politics 2012: in the future, when asked the cause of my alcoholism, i will simply answer, “Newton Leroy Gingrich”

making updates that prominently feature political topics is a tough one for me, for several reasons. as an introduction of sorts, let’s quickly break them down: one, i don’t like to talk politics on a “website” devoted to “humor” because it’s a divisive topic, and thus something that runs counter to humor; two, i have a deep fear that my three-person audience doesn’t agree with my politics (which i suppose is what i get for promoting the legalization of heroin and/or blowing up the moon); and three, politics makes me SO. VERY. ANGRY… which is in itself a dilemma.

see, i only write two kinds of updates that approach entertainment: the ones where i am just being completely random, or the ones where i am FURIOUS. i can often get J.Miles to vouch for the latter. the thing is, though, that i don’t necessarily LIKE being so angry and then saying to myself, “okay, time for jokes.” but… for the good of the internet… let’s give it a shot.

Newt Gingrich
Newt Gingrich: the patron saint of people i wish were trapped in a pit of angry snakes

2012 Politics Episode I: Newt Fucking Gingrich

so let’s start with Newt Gingrich. THIS FUCKING GUY. if there’s one thing i have learned from this year’s Republican primary, it’s that New Gingrich is a terrible, terrible person. now, the thing is, i often used to take the position that he was similar to Richard Nixon: smart, but INCREDIBLY unlikeable, and i think you could point to the Republican’s congressional success in the 1990s to support this claim. but after all this recent stuff… well, i will phrase it this way: i have taken to telling my grandfather that if this election was a choice between Gingrich and Michelle Bachmann, i would have to vote for Bachmann. if that’s not a clear point, know that i am notorious in his household for bashing Michelle Bachmann.

i don’t actually know what i hate most about Gingrich right now. is it the fact that he bashes Romney for flip-flopping on issues while essentially doing the same thing himself? sure. is it the fact that he poses as an upright, moral conservative while wife #2 dishes dirt about Newt’s shady dalliances with wife #3 during their marriage? absolutely. let me be honest: there are times when i feel i am the only man anywhere to the right of center who possesses the ability to keep it in his pants when confronted by pretty girls who are not my wife/girlfriend/”special lady” … a mathematical figure made all the more absurd when you consider that, all things considered, women COMPLETELY REJECT MY MANY CHARMS. personally, i think Bill Hicks said it best when he wrote that song about how chicks dig jerks.

BUT I DIGRESS. no, what actually makes me burn with the fury of one thousand rampaging elephants is the whole “grandiose” thing, to borrow Santorum’s word, which i will do because Santorum is, believe it or not, what the British would call “spot on” as regards this issue. “grandiose,” of course, being some halfway-French term for “characterized by affectation of grandeur or splendor or by absurd exaggeration”; Wikipedia helpfully adds that it’s “is chiefly associated with narcissistic personality disorder, but also commonly features in manic or hypomanic episodes of bipolar disorder.”

it is the WORST thing about Gingrich: the constant over-hyping of himself as a once-in-a-lifetime historical figure. it’s one thing to have a high opinion of yourself; frankly, i imagine most of these politicians do, because you simply HAVE to have a lot of confidence in yourself to make all this work. as an opposite example, i personally have accomplished next to nothing in my life because i consider myself to be completely worthless… but then again, i never find myself acting like a raging prick on nationally-televised debates, so i guess i have my strong moments.

anyway, anyway, let me close the rant out in this SLIGHTLY redundant fashion (and by slightly, i mean “totally stealing a joke i made earlier today”): so i was reading this Romney-For-President internet site thanks to a random link to the excellently-titled “I Think Grandiose Thoughts” page of burning on Newt Gingrich, and on this page i discovered an AWESOME list of people that Newt Gingrich has compared himself to, which includes:

–Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher (“I am much like Reagan and Margaret Thatcher”; obvious choices for a Republican, but clearly figures who outstrip him in achievement and, dare i say it, likeability);

–Abraham Lincoln (“I begin as Lincoln did”; can’t hurt to compare yourself to American’s greatest president, i guess);

–Woodrow Wilson (“I am the most seriously professorial politician since Woodrow Wilson”; granted, he WAS book-smart, but what a really weird choice for a GOP figure to claim to parallel! plus, Wilson was a fucking scumbag);

–Henry Clay (“I was not a presider, I was the leader … I think Henry Clay’s probably the only other speaker to have been a national leader and a speaker of the House simultaneously”; the arrogance of this statement is hidden by the fact that Americans don’t remember Henry Clay at all anymore);

–Charles De Gaulle (when discussing his departure from Congress, “I believe in the sense that, you know, De Gaulle had to go to Colombey-les-Deux-Églises for 11 years”; not only is this another bizarre pick for a GOP guy –remember that Gingrich’s camp has bashed Romney for speaking French during this primary– but it smacks of a desperate desire to sound really, really smart on Gingrich’s behalf);

–William Wallace (“Remember Braveheart? These people want somebody who plants a flag in the ground, gives a speech and yells “Charge!” That is, someone like him.”; i have to say again that thanks to some personal history of mine, it’s HILARIOUS to me whenever someone compares themselves and/or their life to William Wallace, but unfortunately, this is one of those not-on-the-internet inside jokes);

–Pericles (a source describes Gingrich as “‘an unstable personality’ who talks about four or five great people in history, including Pericles and himself; personally, though, i think this is less conceit and, again, more desperate desire to sound really, really smart on Gingrich’s behalf);

–the Duke Of Wellington (Gingrich likens an appropriations triumph “to the way the British expeditionary force maneuvered against the French during the Peninsular War”; i personally call this notion solid support for Ron Paul’s declaration that Gingrich is a chickenhawk);

–a Viking (Gingrich “terms himself a ‘Viking'”; this one is too fucking hilarious to mock);

–Thomas Edison (Gingrich describes GOPAC, which he led at the time, as the Bell Labs of politics, and added “the first thing you need at Bell Labs is a Thomas Edison”; i can actually see a parallel here, in that Edison was known to be an incredibly unlikeable, unpleasant person, but then again, he was also smart and accomplished some things);

–Vince Lombardi (Gingrich compares Republican achievements to the Green Bay Packers under Lombardi at a time when he’s mysteriously the Speaker of the House; i myself view him as more of a Rich Kotite figure);

–the Wright Brothers (Gingrich asks an audience “to embark with me on a voyage of invention and discovery … to be as bold and as brave as the Wright brothers”; this one is just fucking WEIRD);

–Moses (although, in fairness to Gingrich, this is given as “at one point, he likened himself, lightheartedly, to Moses. he’d help them cross the Red Sea once again, Gingrich vowed, but only if they promised, this time, to stay on the other side”; i’d like to believe this truly was a joke).

seriously, though, fuck this Newton Leroy Gingrich character.

Jennifer Granholm
Jennifer Granholm: seen here relating to me through… uh… her wearing glasses? POLITICIANS ARE JUST LIKE JANKLOW!

2012 Politics Episode II: this time i watched Bill Maher for some reason

and to be honest, i don’t know why i did this. i HATE Bill Maher. first, he commits the greatest sin of any comedian: he’s not actually funny. sure, he’s incredibly smug and he’s convinced he’s the smartest man in any room –so while he also hates Gingrich, it seems they have something in common– but he’s not funny. and that’s a deal-breaker: i don’t care what a comedian’s politics are, but he’s got to be FUNNY. take Bill Hicks: he was probably, all things consider, about where Maher is, or maybe to the left of him (or maybe libertarian or something, what the fuck do i know)… but he’s also HILARIOUS. celebrity politics remain worth overlooking as long as they’re producing SOMETHING to take my mind off this miserable fucking existence, man.

plus, as a pro-gun guy, i have seen Bill Maher gleefully try to stack his panel against stances he doesn’t like (say, pro-gun stances), and i have to say this: if your argument possesses that much merit, show me that it does, don’t have some vapid actresses there to bob their heads to co-sign you while you fucking preen and reek of smugness, okay? USE YOUR FUCKING WORDS TO CONVINCE ME.

but i digress. so i happened to watch this episode of Maher’s current show, whatever it’s called, because i SUPPOSE i make poor life decisions, and as part of his panel, he had on former governor of Michigan Jennifer Granholm, who at some point began to discuss the topic of Mitt Romney’s lack of blinding success in this primary. to her, a key point was that Mitt Romney being a turbo-rich guy who’d changed many of his positions made him someone that the average guy just can’t relate to. it’s a good point and i completely understand what she means. but there’s something that doesn’t seem right about this, i thought…

…and then, later, when i was outside roaming around in the snow, the thought was fully formed: why is the person who tells me the man worth tens of millions can’t relate to the common man always someone who’s worth mere millions… and who ALSO can’t relate to the common man? or, to put this a more vulgar way, why is it always one rich fucking asshole telling me that another rich fucking asshole doesn’t understand me at all, but THEY SERIOUSLY GET WHAT MY LIFE IS ABOUT?

three quick points for the illustrious Granholm, and anyone else who fits this bill:

–one, i don’t know Granholm’s finances, so i don’t know that she’s actually worth millions. but you know, with politics being what they are, i assume ANYONE who was governor for eight years is either a) worth millions, b) will be worth millions once they start fucking lobbying or c) both a and b. that said, i’m a man about things, so i’m willing to admit i’m wrong if someone will show me that a lawyer who graduated from Harvard, was a US attorney, was governor for two terms, and hangs out with millionaire Bill Maher is NOT a millionaire.

–two, seriously, rich people, stop pretending you “get it.” i’m middle-class, so i don’t waste time pretending to “get” what it’s like to be lower-class/poor/whatever, because i DON’T. oh, sure, i am completely filled with empathy for my fellow man, because if there’s one thing i DO know, it’s that life is short, life is shit, and then you die, and this concept applies to all of us who aren’t raking in that television comedian cash. but i don’t sit here and go, “well, you see, Granholm doesn’t get what it’s like to be in poverty, whereas i do, because i have SLIGHTLY LESS MONEY THAN SHE DOES.”

–three, i do admit this: hanging out with Bill Maher when he likes your politics is bound to make you look smart and magnanimous in comparison, because he is a jerk.

Jon Huntsman: excited to meet your random goat? hell yes! and it can even bite him, and he won’t mind! man, i miss this guy already

2012 Politics Episode III: a requiem for Jon Huntsman

okay, let’s bring it down to the sad part of this update: and now, janklow with an open letter to Jon Huntsman. well, why did you do it? are you some sort of jerk or something? do you not understand what you’ve left me with in the Republican primary?

seriously, though, as someone who’s not voting for any man who signed off on the concept of banning assault weapons and semi-automatic handguns (i’m looking at you, Obama), let’s consider the Republican primary options remaining in 2011-2012:

–a bloated bag of hateful wind who claims to be the only conservative in the race;
–a crazy person from Texas who’s far too libertarian to be elected president, and thus wastes my vote;
–some dude from Louisiana that NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF, EVER (even if he was also on that same episode of Bill Maher’s show);
–an incredibly expensive-looking robot that seems to constantly change its political positions as it TOTALLY RELATES TO ME, FLESHBAG;
–an ultra-conservative who… well, Google is telling me something about “frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”

and that’s considering we’ve ALREADY eliminated a crazy person from Texas who’s NOT Ron Paul, a frightening woman who does not need facts because random fictional women tell her things, and that guy that fucked every woman in Georgia. ALL OF THEM.

mostly, though, what i’m sad about is that you totally seemed like a nice, regular guy, Jon Huntsman, even if you DO speak Chinese and worship some weird pseudo-Christian god that South Park ABSOLUTELY SAVAGED with their awesome comedy. and while i know you too are turbo-rich and cannot understand me or my life at all … i also never heard you say you could, and that was nice. maybe you DID say it out of earshot, but fuck it, i know, all the politicians have to say it. i guess i just have to come to terms with that like i’ve come to terms with every other sad thing in life.

still, i’ll miss you. come back and visit me in 2016 when my options are that above list minus whoever lost to Obama in 2012.

Huntsman... spider
another thing i will miss: a Google search for “Huntsman” results in many AWESOME SPIDER PHOTOS

2012 Politics Episode IV: closing thoughts

finally, you know what else is fucking lame? having 2011 have contained anything to do with a 2012 presidential election. we’ve still got TEN MONTHS TO GO. at this rate, we’re spending half a president’s term running for the next term. jesus fucking christ, America, get it together, please.

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