originally, i thought i had a three-week streak of RANTS RANTS RANTS going, but then i remembered that i shoehorned that listicle in there… and then i remembered that a three-week streak of RANTS RANTS RANTS probably actually plays to what the illustrious Smiles would refer to as “my strengths,” which, aside from customizing Clark Wallabees and long-dicking wildflowers and breaking their ovaries, happens to be flipping out with rage and hoping it works its way into a joke or two. so let’s try that out…
that is correct: i too have no idea why they’re wrapping a sexual predator in a religious tome
so i turn on my internet news and catch the headline of “bishop Eddie Long crowned ‘king’,” with this being the same Eddie Long you might remember from running a possibly shady mega-church (as in, i think all mega-churches are shady) and being accused of coercing a string of young men into sexual relationships, and i say to myself, “what can this possibly be about?” then i found this article ripping the event, so let’s get right into it:
“A ceremony held Sunday at New Birth Missionary Baptist Church, in which Bishop Eddie Long was wrapped in a sacred Torah scroll and carried upon a throne, has the Internet abuzz and Jewish religious leaders offended and questioning its appropriateness.”
yes, i would have to say, even knowing nothing else about this, that this ceremony is absolutely offensive and inappropriate… and i am not even factoring in the part where he convinced a bunch of teenage boys to let him violate them sexually before he was wrapped in a sacred Jewish text and named a king? wait, was he named a king? because i didn’t see-
“”He’s a king. God has blessed him,” said Rabbi Ralph Messer before covering Long in a scroll “[that] may still have the dust of Auschwitz and Birkenau.” Messer referred to the Nazi extermination camps in Poland where millions of Jews were murdered during the Holocaust. A Torah’s use in a ceremony ordaining Long as “a king” is offensive to many Jews, said Bill Nigut, Southeast Regional Director of the Anti-Defamation League.”
ah, okay, there we go. and we already have questions!
01. why is a rabbi naming a Christian a king as opposed to, say, someone Jewish? could it possibly be because this Ralph Messer is actually one of those not-exactly-Jewish “Jews For Jesus” kind of guys? because it doesn’t make this any less INSANE, but it does make a little more sense;
02. what’s the deal with the reference to the Holocaust? has Long been oppressed in a fashion equivalent to those Jews? i suspect we will revisit this;
03. what’s actually more offensive: the use of the Torah in a ceremony ordaining Long as “a king” or the Holocaust reference? the answer is actually “this whole damn mess.”
“The ceremony at Long’s Lithonia church, viewed more than 139,000 times on YouTube, “in no way represents any Jewish ritual that I’m familiar with,” Nigut said. “We do not proclaim individuals to be kings.””
i don’t mean to laugh at Nigut’s suffering, but i have to be honest: the BEST thing about any story like this is the part where the serious guy (Nigut) is being forced to field serious questions about some insane bullshit (whatever Messer and Long cooked up) like an adult. you can tell they’re straining against the desire to flip out completely and trash things (say, Long’s mega-church) with a cricket bat until they feel better.
“Messer said his parchment, a handwritten copy of the holiest book within Judaism, was 312 years old. His mention of Auschwitz-Birkenau implied the scroll was one of those recovered from the death camps when they were liberated by the Allies toward the end of World War II. It’s impossible to authenticate Messer’s claim without examining the texts up close, said Rabbi Joshua Heller of Congregation B’nai Torah in Sandy Springs. While rare, Torahs can be easily purchased, even on eBay, he said. “There are a fair number of Torah scrolls that survived the war,” said Heller, adding roughly 1,500 were rescued from Czechoslovakia alone.”
note: if thousands of objects exist, those objects are not “rare.” now, a Torah that survived World War II might be rare, but Torahs alone, and especially those found for sale on eBay, are PROBABLY not. and as for the notion of this particular Torah having survived the war? well, let me turn back to that original headline:
“Norry … also doubts that the Torah that Long was wrapped in is actually 312 years old, and had somehow escaped detection in a concentration camp. “The Torah is the size of a person. It’s not like you can hide one,” he said.”
because as we all know, it’s not like the Nazis took wiping out Jewish things SERIOUSLY or anything like that. but i am pretty sure that Messer probably verified the Torah’s history, right?
“Messer’s son, Minister Russell Messer of Simchat Torah Beit Midrash in Parker, Colo., said his father purchased the parchment and relied on the word of its seller regarding its provenance. “It came through that generation of Europe,” the younger Messer said.”
oh, it came through that generation of Europe? never mind, that sounds totally legitimate!
“More disturbing was the use of this particular Torah in an inappropriate setting, experts on religion say. “The connection of the Torah scroll to the Holocaust and then to Eddie Long is incomprehensible to me,â€ said David P. Gushee, a professor of Christian ethics at Mercer University. Gushee is a scholar of the Holocaust and has visited Auschwitz several times. “What was the point? Was it to signal that Eddie Long was suffering persecution like the Jews at Auschwitz?” Gushee asked.”
well, Gushee, i think i already made this point, but yes, exactly. what was this supposed to mean? because i happen to know people have already fawned over Long for years without it being a requirement that he be compared to millions of murdered Jews. that just seems a little tacky, you know?
“When asked for comment about the event, New Birth emailed a statement Thursday in which Ralph Messer said critics misunderstood his intent. “My message was about restoring a man and to encourage his walk in the Lord,” Messer said. “It was not to make Bishop Eddie L. Long a king.””
“…which is why i wrapped him in a Torah and declared him to be a king!”
“Ralph Messer, according to a biography on his organization’s website, is “pioneering a work to bring the ‘Good News’ of Yeshua (Jesus Christ) in the Torah to the ends of the Earth.” He is active in the Messianic Judaism movement, which fuses evangelical Christian beliefs with elements of Jewish tradition.”
or in other words, Messer is not Jewish. he’s at best one of those “Jews For Jesus” type of guys, which you might recall as “a conservative, Christian evangelical organization that focuses on the conversion of Jews to Christianity” containing members that “consider themselves to be Jews.” now, this may seem like a grey area to some, so i am going to go ahead and make a ruling: THEY’RE NOT JEWS. and Messer is not so much a rabbi capable of crowning a child molester a king as much as he is a crazy asshole. and if you had any doubt about this…
“Messer’s biography says he has ties with prominent evangelicals including the Rev. Kenneth Copeland of Lubbock, Texas, and Paula White, pastor of a charismatic mega-church based in Florida. It says he has made frequent appearances on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.”
which raises the further question of “has Messer wrapped Kenneth Copeland in a fake Jewish artifact and declared him to be an emperor or queen or anything yet, or is he waiting for Copeland to be caught fucking a dog on a pile of embezzled cash before he does that ceremony?”
“In his statement Thursday, Ralph Messer said Sunday’s presentation “was simply a way of bringing honor to a man who had given his life to the Lord and had given so much to his church, the Atlanta metro area and throughout the world.” “Lifting him on the chair was to acknowledge and honor him,” he said, adding it is consistent with rituals performed at Jewish weddings and Bar mitzvahs.”
now, look, i am not either a) Jewish or b) an expert on Judaism, but i am pretty sure that no one is wrapped with a Torah from the Holocaust and loudly declared to be a king during either Jewish weddings or Bar mitzvahs. also, is Messer admitting that he saw someone hoisted in a chair on a movie that depicted a Jewish wedding one time and decided he could just do the same thing to random guys, call them kings and have people say, “well, it must be on the level, because i once saw some Jewish guy get lifted up while seated in a chair once?” because that is the impression i am getting.
“One worshipper present at the service said it was “so much more than the video.” “If you actually attended the service you would know that Bishop Long was not ordained or considered a king in the worldly sense,” said New Birth member De’Yolanda Lowery. “I do know that Bishop Long is truly a man of God.””
please, please, PLEASE let this have been “so much more than the video.” unfortunately, she means it was meaningful or serious or something, which it obviously was not, so this only proves that New Birth member De’Yolanda Lowery –who most assuredly has no bias here– is absolutely not to be trusted to weigh in on this topic.
The bishop may have taken comfort in Messer’s message. “You can’t attack [Long],” Messer said Sunday. “He’s sealed. Wherever he turns, the power of God is there. … It’s not him, it’s the king in him.”
Messer then added, “My message was not to make Bishop Eddie L. Long a king, despite the part there where i said he was a king impervious to attack thanks to the power of God.”
“Jamal-Dominique Hopkins, associate professor of Biblical studies at Interdenominational Theological Center, said that on viewing the video, “My first impression was, ‘Who is this individual who has the authority to make Bishop Long a king?'”
a solid first impression, and much less profane than mine. and i was at work at the time of my first impression! damn this internet!
your local McDonald’s drive-through: TAKE THIS SHIT SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE
okay, to start, let’s just say this: i think the whole Tasering thing is a slight bit overdone in modern America and not “funny” in and of itself, and yes, we have talked about cops responding to fast food situations a couple of times in the past. that said…
“Deputies used a Taser on a woman who wouldn’t surrender to them after she cut into a McDonald’s drive-through line and then refused to move her car without being served, according to the Cumberland County Sheriff’s Office.”
…i totally support this. you mean someone has taken the raging asshole manuever of “cutting into traffic at the last second and probably from the shoulder just because they are the most important person of all” and applied it TO A FUCKING DRIVE-THROUGH LANE? Taser the shit out of them, officers. Taser them right back to the Stone Age.
“Evangeline Marrero Lucca, 37, of the 100 block of Snow Hill Church Road, pulled up to the window of the McDonald’s on Legion Road, near Black and Decker Road, on Friday afternoon and held up the line for about 20 minutes before deputies arrived, said Debbie Tanna, a Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman.”
twenty minutes? well, this basically tells us two things:
01. all those theories that gun-loving Southern states with fair amounts of guns and concealed-carrying citizens would be swimming with random rage-induced murders CANNOT be true, because this is a situation that screams out for “totally justified murder.” would i acquit someone who shot this woman because he was forced to wait twenty minutes to pick up the chicken nuggets he legally ordered? absolutely.
02. my personal theory of “just park, walk your lazy ass in to the counter and order there” would have paid MASSIVE dividends in this circumstance … unless the counter personnel stopped working because there was twenty solid minutes of pure insanity going on in the drive-through lane. to which i would point out that while yes, this IS distracting AND hilarious, it would still be even better if we were all eating a burger at the time.
“Staff at the restaurant reported that Lucca drove her Ford Taurus to the pickup window, bypassing the order screen and payment window, and tried to order her food there, she said. “She did not want to wait in line,” Tanna said. “They told her she had to go around and wait like everybody else did and place her order that way, that they weren’t set up at that window to take her order or take her money. … She wasn’t having any of that.””
do i understand that you might pull up to a drive-through, see a long line and think, “wow, it’s going to be a while before i cram my bloated snackhole with Big Macs,” and then get frustrated? sure. but this is the point i try to make using an incredible amount of loud profanity inside my car when you assholes are driving like… well… assholes: we’re living in a society, people! ma’am, your service will still suck because of all the time they spend explaining to you why you suck at life. and you’re making everyone else who’s been waiting in line have a dinner that’s taking EVEN LONGER to happen.
ah, Americans, and you wonder why i tease you guys so much.
“The woman refused to move her vehicle and became confrontational with the employees, she said. “When we arrived, she really got mad,” Tanna said.”
HOW DARE YOU IDIOTS TELL ME THAT I CANNOT HAVE MY FOOD IMMEDIATELY! and it’s bad enough that you freely engage in the selfish part of this… but really, Lucca, you’re going to get furious when you’re called on your bullshit? yes, i know the drill, you have to grit your teeth and bluster through it when you’re caught out, but personally, i’d probably go for making a blank expression, remarking “yeah, what the fuck was i thinking,” and then getting in line.
…but then again, i don’t cut in line at the McDonald’s drive-through, so it’s very likely that i cannot relate to the kind of mind that does this.
“Customer Anthony Rich said he pulled into the parking lot to order lunch and found a long line of cars at the drive-through. He said he got in line and waited, eventually getting up to the first window, where he commented about the long line. An employee told him the woman was refusing to move, Rich said. The employee told him the woman frequently comes to the restaurant and cuts in line, and that, “We’re not having it anymore, so we called the cops,” Rich said.”
now, i’ve bolded a portion of this, because it explains the exact problem: this McDonald’s set a dangerous precedent of letting assholes be assholes. do i understand how sometimes it’s more expedient to just resolve someone’s shit behavior, keep them moving, and then turn your attention back to the actual people out there? sure. but the second time that happens, you HAVE to put your foot down, or it won’t end until i have to wait twenty minutes for my McRib and some noxious cunt is being Tasered into oblivion.
it’s like training a dog, people: you don’t let that dog run wild when it’s little and tries to, or it will ALWAYS run wild.
“Lisa Powell, who owns the franchise for that McDonald’s location, said in a prepared statement that employees called deputies “after lengthy conversation with the customer” about why her actions were unsafe.”
you know, i understand that McDonald’s has a corporate image they fuss over greatly, so i’m sure Powell was forced to read a prepared statement. but honestly, who’s siding with Lucca on this one? i think a more relaxed statement could have been allowed.
“yeah, we called the cops because there’s a point where someone is so stupid and so inconsiderate that you have to decided between calling the police to resolve the situation quickly and safely, or dragging that person out of her car and bashing her face on the pavement in sort of an homage to Irreversible, albeit with significantly less anal rape.”
and i must admit that, in fairness, McDonald’s would PROBABLY frown on my use of the phrase “anal rape,” even if my argument is 100% rock solid. so again, i get the use of a prepared statement.
“Rich said deputies soon arrived at the scene and ordered Lucca to get out of the car, but she refused. The deputies continued their orders for about 20 minutes, until they finally removed a young girl, he said. “Two or three officers entered the car with her and started trying to forcibly drag her out of the car, and that’s when you could hear the clicking sound of the Taser one time,” Rich said. “They pulled on her a couple of times, and then they Tased (stunned) her again, and when they Tased (stunned) her the second time, she just flopped out of the car like a fish.””
01. twenty MORE minutes? these officers are lucky they only had to Taser ONE person;
02. Lucca is a young girl? please, she’s 37. that’s no young girl, and there’s no reason to flatter someone who’s composed of so much terribleness with descriptions like “young girl.” even if this “Anthony Rich” character is incredibly old (like, say, 47), he should know the difference between “young girl” and “broken-down trash that’s almost 40”;
03. Rich gets a pass, though, for his use of the phrase “just flopped out of the car like a fish.”
and now a tangent: why do people use boring and probably real names in these circumstances? you aren’t going to be famous because the FayObserver quoted you once in that story about the asshole at the McDonald’s. this is your chance to use a hilarious and/or awesome alias! please know that your hero janklow would be identified by the paper as “Furious Styles” or “Copper Sturgeon” or “Cutter Matlock” or “Thor Digtown,” any of which would be awesome AND hilarious.
“Lucca was charged with second-degree trespassing. Social workers took custody of her 3-year-old child who was in the car, Tanna said.”
well, OF COURSE someone had their 3-year-old in the car when they were acting like an asshole and forcing the police to Taser them. hell, this Lucca “girl” was probably about to drive home with the bag full of McDonald’s and let her 3-year-old watch her snort heroin off some random dude’s penis while simultaneously being on the receiving end of a prophylactic-free all-anal gang-bang.
“Tanna said deputies are not allowed to use Tasers on a person who simply refuses to comply with orders without danger involved, but in this case Lucca was engaging in “threatening behavior.” “Our top priority was making sure people weren’t hurt because we didn’t know if she was going to drive the car off and run over somebody,” Tanna said. “Then there was the baby in the car we were concerned about.””
again, this is one of those situations where it’s clear why my job is not “public relations for a police department:
news guys: “so was the use of Tasers really necessary in this situation?”
sergeant janklow: “absolutely. hell, they had to talk me out of dragging this ignorant bitch out of her car and summarily executing her with my sidearm.”
news guys: “becauser Tasers- wait, what?”
sergeant janklow: “did you guys hear the first part of this story? where she CUT INTO A DRIVE-THROUGH? hell, i was off-duty at the time when i heard this come over the radio. that’s why i’m wearing pajama pants here, guys.”
but hey, that’s not the line of work i went into and it is what it is. still, on this occasion, i must salute these hardworking officers. godspeed, gentlemen, godspeed. however, the unfortunate fact is this: while it would probably be a GREAT idea on some level to have the police handing out beat-downs to nip this kind of behavior in the bud on a regular basis, you just know it’ll quickly morph into some kind of ‘morality police’ that goes around wailing on women for wearing hot pants and daring to drive cars in public… and we can’t have THAT.
alright, one last quick one before we get out of here:
now THAT is what i call “expert testimony”
this is one of those stories that i want to share, but don’t think i need to add a lot to; let me preface it with the following description: there was a report that once upon a time (say, 1995 or so), former New Mexico state senator Duncan Scott introduced a legislative amendment providing that:
“When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant’s competency hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars and lightning bolts. Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding a defendant’s competency, the bailiff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gongâ€¦”
i, for one, support this amendment to such an extent that i’m working on a crude time machine that will allow me to travel back to 1995 and MAKE THIS AMENDMENT HAPPEN. (i’ll also give myself some advice on stock purchases and watching out for women who might happen to be evil fucking whores, but that’s neither here nor there.) also, this just proves my point: if you politicians aren’t going to take your jobs seriously, then could you at least be funny about it?
“The amendment â€” intended satirically, one should hasten to add â€” “passed with a unanimous Senate vote” but was removed from its bill before consideration by the state house and never became law.”
01. that this was intended “satirically,” instead of “100% legit”;
02. that this didn’t become law. WHAT A TEASE.
okay, that’ll do it for this week. i might have a joke or two next time. we’ll see.