recently, our hero janklow was attempting to drive to work in the morning when- well, honestly, i could probably start a LOT of “open letters to” rant-style posts with “something that made janklow LOSE HIS GODDAMN MIND while driving” events, because if there’s one thing in this world not named “David Miscavige” that makes me completely loose it, it’s Maryland drivers: the Worst Human Beings Ever, excepting of course, myself, and all those whom i hold dear in this world, unless i have specifically told you that you, yes, YOU, are one of those shitty Maryland drivers. chances are most of you Marylanders have heard this by now.
ANYWAY, recently, our hero janklow was attempting to drive to work in the morning when he realized a very sad fact about this modern world we live in, a fact that a) deeply upset and saddened me on some fundamental level, and even worse, b) slowed my drive to work, a sin that is truly unpardonable.
and now, janklow with an open letter to the parents driving their children to the school bus.
fuck you, minivans, fuck you
well, why do you do it? are you all some sort of jerks or something? obviously you’re not the kind of jerks who hate your children and split your time either beating them with random objects from your home or outright neglecting them, but you’re the kind of jerks that are turning them into terrible, terrible human beings by spoiling them unnecessarily in the most ridiculous of ways. wait, what the hell am i talking about? well, let me elaborate!
so when janklow drives to work, he takes some roads that, while a little longer and more winding, generally work out well due to a lack of traffic and the related bane, traffic lights. people keep telling me that no matter what i think, my route is longer AND slower, and in response, i can only say that i wish all those people would consider that… well… SHUT UP, that’s what! anyway, this route features a large amount of suburban-to-rural homes, so while it’s good much of the time, when you hit that magic “here come the school buses” hour, you’re bound to suffer from the ill effects. this, however, is okay: it’s the way school buses, and we all have to accept that.
however, while waiting behind a bus this morning, i had the experience of watching every single parent drive their child to the road where the bus picks them up. say what? okay, maybe when you’re in a neighborhood where you’re set some distance from the end of the road AND you’re paranoid about your child’s safety, i can sort of see the point, although when i was a child, all those kids dealt with just walking themselves to the bus stop, and i don’t think any of them were worse for it.
…but then there are the parents who hop into their massive SUV (or maybe minivan, but i mostly see SUVs doing this, and really, they’re more offensively gas-guzzling, so picturing a Suburban will help you get more riled up here) and drive their children 50 feet down their driveway to deliver them to the school bus… and there are a lot of them. so many, in fact, that on a ten-minute drive, i might see 8 parents do this… out of a total of 10 kids getting picked up (the other two having marginally more excessive driveways). to this i must ask: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
first, there’s the basic “why don’t you let your goddamn children get some very easy, very basic exercise,” which frankly, if we’re talking about concern for the safety of the children, would ALSO benefit the parents. now, i’ve considered the possibility that these parents are more concerned with their laziness than their child’s exercise, but a strictly LAZY parent would just stay in their damn house and let their wiener kids walk themselves to the bus, so there must be a mixture of “shameful laziness” and “concern, i guess” involved here.
second, i understand you want to spoil your kids –i mean, think of poor Johnny, forced to walk FIFTY FEET to the PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS in SEVENTY-FIVE DEGREE WEATHER where there was a BIRD somewhat NEARBY– but there’s a difference between not denying them reasonable things (like “food” and “air,” i guess) and spoiling them in that way where they end up thinking they’re the be-all and end-all of the universe and, even more importantly, grow up to bother me when i’m out in public, which is something i try to keep to a minimum, since the public is absolutely jam-packed with your goddamn annoying kids, people.
third, i know a lot of us were raised on panicking about STRANGER DANGER abducting your children, and it’s really, really hard to get people in their thirties and forties to let go of that regarding their kids… but again, there’s no reason not to just walk about there with them or god forbid, keep an eye on them FROM your house that’s a whopping 13 feet away from the bus stop.
also, ironic note: one of these fathers today zoomed out of his driveway in his minivan, WILDLY INTO TRAFFIC (which included myself), and began honking like a madman until the bus stopped and he could let his kid run from his van to the bus (which was MAYBE ten feet past his house and which was assuredly making more stops down the line). now, i know this wasn’t about safety as much as “damn it, i don’t want to have to drive my stupid wiener kid to school myself,” but i still find it ironic that a parent who’s maybe the only non-overprotective one in the bunch (on the grounds that he wasn’t sitting there with his kid in the minivan at the end of his 20-foot drive) almost got his kid killed in a car accident.
okay, i feel better now. i’ll get over it, i guess. still, make your damn kids exercise.
at least i’ll be able to make myself feel better with this:
ooo… papercraft Travis Bickle is SO JEALOUS. also, an interesting study has developed from the purchase of this fine S&W product: women (with one exception) all think this hand-cannon is “excessive,” whereas men all want to shoot it, like, right now, preferably into something that will explode in a way that’s really, really cool. in summation, i think women (with one exception) have problems.