“i just wanted someone to make my wife do what i wanted her to do”

i could blame this update’s delay on actually having it mostly done and then dragging my heels when it came to putting the final touches on it; i could also blame this update’s delay on tossing one third of it at the next-to-last minute and using a replacement topic to complete it. the latter sounds more like i’m devoted to making every effort to bringing YOU the best comedy i can, so we’ll go with that one.

and now, the update!

Doyle Hardwick
yet another American incarcerated because of the demonic influence of Facebook. WHEN WILL WE LEARN

Pasco man in jail for calling 911 because wife wouldn’t leave him alone

so i have tried to make this point many, many times, but people still don’t seem to be listening, so it shouldn’t be any kind of surprise that people are getting themselves arrested for the improper use of 911, although THIS story may be our most ridiculous example to date.

“Doyle Hardwick found himself back at the Land O’Lakes jail this month, this time for 60 days, all because he wanted to check his Facebook page in peace.”

…and i am immediately blown away by this story. for one thing, this is not the typical reason for which a man gets sent to jail, so i KNOW something ridiculous is coming. for another, while i am aware thanks to the internet that there is a real Land O’Lakes, complete with a jail, in Florida, the name still makes me think there’s some ridiculous butter-themed jail out there somewhere. finally, Doyle Hardwick sounds like a fictional name, doesn’t it? but let us not digress!

“The trouble began brewing the evening of Sept. 24, as Hardwick plied his wife with beer, hoping she would go to bed. She drank. And drank. But didn’t feel like going to sleep. So he called 911. Caller (CLR) “says him and his wife are sitting next to each other,” the 911 transcript reads. “CLR is upset because she won’t go to bed. Now they are bickering about who has been drinking. CLR has had 4 beers. Wife has had 8 beers. … CLR is upset because she wouldn’t let him look at Facebook peacefully.””

now, if you’re plying your wife with beer, i didn’t think the motivation was supposed to be “in order to look at Facebook peacefully.” then again, i also didn’t think that Facebook was something for people to get locked up over, although i suppose i should have realized otherwise after i heard about people getting murdered over people getting unfriended on Facebook. but here’s the real factoid that seems to be missing her: no one ever calmed down and went to bed because someone else kept giving them more and more beers. it does not happen.

“His wife, Julie Hardwick, 54, waited for the deputy outside the mobile home at 27022 Dayflower Blvd. in the Angus Valley area of Wesley Chapel. “Come in,” she said to the deputy, a Pasco County Sheriff’s Office report states. “He’s in here.” Doyle Hardwick, 57, was still on the phone with 911 when the deputy walked in. The house was in order and the Hardwicks were calm. Both smelled of alcohol, the report says.”

as always, when 911 is being called for some ridiculous reason, someone involved ALWAYS smells of alcohol.

“Doyle Hardwick said he “called 911 because he was upset about his wife sitting next to him and not going to sleep after he gave her beers to go to sleep,” the deputy wrote. “His wife was supposed to go to sleep after he gave her the beers because that was their agreement. He wanted me to make his wife not sit next to him and go to bed like she was supposed to.” “I just wanted someone to make my wife do what I wanted her to do,” Hardwick told the deputy.”

this is presumably where the deputy arrested Hardwick for one count of being a goddamn idiot, and possibly his wife for one count of accessory to being an idiot. THIS IS NOT WHAT 911 AND/OR THE POLICE ARE FOR. although i suppose if this was some kind of contractual agreement (beers for sleep), then there might be a civil case for Hardwick to look into. perhaps the people that should be bothered are the lawyers, not the police or 911; i recommend the drunken idiots of America look into this as soon as possible.

“Julie Hardwick told the deputy “her husband asked her to not sit next to him and she told him she didn’t feel like sitting anywhere else,” the report states. “Her husband told her if she didn’t quit sitting next to him and go to bed, he was going to call 911 and the police were going to make her. She told her husband not to call 911 or the police and he did.””

sometimes i do this thing where i post what i would say in the face of this kind of foolishness, but in this case, i probably would have just shot these fucking morons. i commend this deputy for his patience, because if listening to two idiots argue is bad, and listening to two drunks argue is bad, as for two drunken idiots arguing? it doesn’t get much worse.

“Hardwick was arrested that night on a charge of misuse of 911.”

HELL YEAH. but i ask myself, is there any way that Hardwick could make that WORSE for himself? i think you see where my crude foreshadowing is headed:

“He pleaded no contest in February and was sentenced to 60 days in jail. He turned himself in to the jail on the appointed date, March 1, although he showed up intoxicated, which was against the terms of his sentencing guidelines, jail records show.”

i’m actually pretty confident that turning yourself into jail WHILE INTOXICATED is against a lot more than just sentencing guidelines, but i love that someone took the time to clarify that aspect of it. and that’s not all:

“This was not his first act of misuse of 911. He pleaded no contest in 2010 to the same charge and was sentenced to 10 days in jail, court records show. That time, he repeatedly called 911 demanding to speak to someone in code enforcement “regarding neighbors defecating into old vehicle fuel tanks for the past three weeks,” a report states. He also asked the responding deputy for a ride to his daughter’s house.”

so he’s actually done this before AND been arrested for it AND spent time in jail for it … and the previous time was for the even more ridiculous combination of “please address my neighbors who are shitting into old gas tanks” AND asking the responding officer for a ride? i’ve changed my mind: Doyle Hardwick is not a goddamn idiot, he’s a goddamn comedy genius. my apologies, good sir.

Botox = exercise

more young woman try to beat wrinkles with preventive Botox, thermage treatments

first off, they used the word “woman” instead of “women” in the title, not i. second, let me immediately file this under “yet another reason why i am totally disappointed in Americans.” it’s not a short list.

“In a society that has become obsessed with youth, there is a growing trend of young women, many still in their 20s, taking dramatic and expensive measures to stop the signs of aging before they happen with non-surgical treatments. Preventive Botox injections and costly thermage, a hot radio frequency treatment that tightens and lifts skin that is all the rage among celebrities, are the latest cosmetic procedures used to stop crows feet in their tracks.”

so the first thing i don’t understand is why young women “still in their 20s” are obsessed with looking young: they ARE young. i mean, if you think you look ugly, okay, that’s different; if you want to look YOUNGER (although i don’t know how much younger than your 20s women really want to look), i suppose that’s a little different … but simply wanting to look young? you’ve accomplished it by BEING young. also, why do i always suspect that when something is “all the rage among celebrities,” it’s actually not, and is simply being pitched as such by unscrupulous plastic surgeons and the like? because we all know it’s not like there’s a swarm of female celebrities out there freely admitting “yeah, i’ve had preemptive Botox done to my face.”

“Starting early is one of the top tips Dr. Debra Jaliman, a dermatologist on New York City’s tony Fifth Avenue, offers in her new book, “Skin Rules.” She often tells her young patients, if they ask, that the science is clear: Early engagement can stop the clock. “If you know you’re somebody who’s going in the direction of cosmetics and you know that you’re going to care about lines, then I say it’s better to do it earlier than to wait and do it once these lines have etched into the skin,” Jaliman said. “So if you’re in your 20s and you start to see lines coming, then why not do it early and prevent it? And to me it’s just like exercise.””

TO ME IT’S JUST LIKE EXERCISE. except for the part where it’s not exercise at all? and the part where it’s a sad commentary on our culture where someone who is theoretically a doctor is telling people that paying for a minor medical procedure is just like getting exercise? however, the actual saddest part of all this is a doctor using the phrase “somebody going in the direction of cosmetics,” because i know NO IDEA what that’s really supposed to mean. is it someone who cares deeply about lines that they don’t yet have and intends to use makeup to address it?

“However, Jaliman also offers less costly, basic advice for any young woman who is looking to fend off the signs of aging. At the top of the list is getting enough sleep and eating right.”

somehow i suspect that “getting enough sleep and eating right” doesn’t get as hard a sell as the Botox, especially from someone who is pitching Botox treatments to stop lines THAT DO NOT YET EXIST as it being just like exercise.

“”I can’t tell you all the people who come to me to correct problems they wouldn’t have had if they followed those simple rules,” Jaliman said. “They would save thousands of dollars if they did those simple things.” Most importantly, she says, young women should stay away from prolonged sun exposure and tanning beds. “We know sun exposure is cumulative,” Jaliman said. “Even five minutes a day is enough to give you cancer, but it’s also enough to break down the collagen.””

yes, but again, Jaliman, there is still a difference between a woman who’s overindulged in tanning beds or never got enough sleep and has developed some issue –lines in their skin, i suppose– and a woman who’s in her 20s, has NO lines, and is asking you to stop said non-existent lines with Botox. the former has at least something concrete to worry over.

“Thermage treatments jolt collagen under the skin into overdrive, causing the body to produce more, and firm up saggy areas. Patients get the nip-and-tucked look without the surgery, but it comes with a hefty price tag. “It definitely tightens your skin. There’s no downtime,” Jaliman said. “But it is expensive. To do a whole face could be $3,500. So it’s an expensive investment, so it’s not for everybody. But I think it’s a good investment.””

“i mean, it’s thousands of dollars that you might be spending to stop lines that don’t exist … but i think it’s a good investment.”

“Jane Curasco, one of Jaliman’s patients, is a new mother and aspiring actress, with no overt need for any boosting or filling. She said she decided to make a substantial investment in stopping the aging clock at age 31. While her friends have tried lasers and microdermobrasion, Curasco said she was the only one to invest in thermage.”

one, i suspect THIS is the type of celebrity we’re talking about. two, i don’t think the issue with becoming an actress is that you look 31; it might be more related to something like “an inability to act.” three, it’s not a “substantial investment” unless you can tell me exactly what you’re getting of all this. in fact, it might be instructive to look at her remarks:

“I went on an audition recently and I was supposed to portray a young mother, which I am actually, but every young mother that went in looked 19 so I looked way older than the other people portraying what I actually am,” Curasco said.”

Curasco, you’re not a young mother, you’re 31. young mothers ARE in their 20s or younger; that’s basically what the term means, so what we’re really complaining about her is that you believe that, at age 31, you’re a young mother when no one else does (this is also why you keep repeating “what i actually am”). but let’s move past that and address the logic: if you want to get a role that requires someone to look 19, what exactly does making a “substantial investment” in stopping the aging process at 31 actually accomplish? you’ll still fail to be acknowledged as a young mother.

“The dermatologist said thermage is so popular in her office that she has seen a new trend of patients who request it as a full body treatment, which costs a whopping $25,000. But if thermage is out of reach price-wise, patients can turn to preventive Botox.”

or they could eat well and get some sleep so that they won’t have to pay $25000 to keep their feet looking young with full-body thermage. ultimately, though, this problem will only be solved when we find a way to use Botox to make stupid women act less stupid.

now, this last one isn’t so funny, but since it involves bears and something ridiculous…

this creepy bear
and when i said “bears,” i meant “this incredibly creepy staring bear”

hibernating bears’ wounds heal without scars

okay, no scarring? well, that’s not such a big deal…

“Medical researchers and zoologists worked together to find that the bears’ wounds healed with almost no scarring, and were infection-free.”

okay, and infection-free? that’s pretty solid, as well as (presumably) mysterious and inexplicable. so what was the thing about hibernating, again?

“This study was part of a project by scientists from the universities of Minnesota, Wyoming and the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources, who have tracked 1,000 black bears, in order to monitor their health and behaviour, for 25 years. Whilst tracking the bears – using radio collars – the researchers noticed some early evidence of their surprising healing abilities. They wrote in their paper: “We identified a few animals each year with injuries resulting from gunshots or arrows from hunters; bite marks from other bears or predators. These wounds were considered to have been incurred some time before the bears denned, and were often infected or inflamed… in early winter. Yet typically, when we revisited bears in their dens a few months later, most wounds had completely resolved whether or not we [cleaned them], sutured the areas or administered antibiotics.””

so let me understand this: bears get shot or bite by some predator, then the bear takes an admittedly lengthy nap … and the bear recovers completely, with no ill effects? this makes me a little uneasy, especially when you consider that bears are constantly sleeping in coolers and other shenanigans.

“To test the bear’s healing abilities experimentally, the team carefully tracked the healing of small cuts on the skin of 14 of their radio-collared bears in northern Minnesota.”

ah, this sounds like a good idea: you’ve discovered these massive predatory mammals have extraordinary healing powers, so you figure “let’s further annoy them by fussing over their injuries!” luckily, every movie ever involving scientists leads me to understand that there’s no way scientists will fuck something like this up, so i am not that concerned.

“Between November (when the bears first settled down in their dens) and March (about a month before they emerged) the wounds healed with “minimal evidence of scarring”. Added to this, there were no signs of infection, the layers of damaged skin regrew and many of the bears even grew hair from newly formed follicles at the site of their injuries. One of the researchers, Prof David Garshelis from the University of Minnesota, told BBC Nature: “It seems so surprising to us that their wounds would heal so well and so completely when they’re hibernating and their metabolism is slowed down. But, he added, the animals had many other “remarkable adaptations to hibernation”.”

you know who’s not surprised? the guy who knows that bears are awesome AND doesn’t try to mess with their wounds. that guy is me.

…and that will (belatedly) do it. let’s try to keep things going at a good pace next time.

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