“the thought of this Octomom masturbation fiasco is making me vomit out every organ i can in the hope of reaching the sweet embrace of death”

this is the part where i realize that my update is way, way overdue and rush to post it up. the worst part, actually, is when i know i’ve compiled some material for the update, and i have everything in a partial state of completion… and then just take forever to do it. this is probably mostly disappointing to myself (since it’s not like anyone’s pitched any “where the hell is the update” feedback at me in some time), but what are you going to do? clearly the introduction phase to these things have become some random, lazy, stream-of-consciousness rambling. anyway, this week, our theme shall be “weird sex-related crimes.” do pretend to care!

1993 BMW motorcycle
1993 BMW motorcycles: apparently, this was a good year for motorcycles that cause incredibly, never-ending erections

man sues BMW, alleging motorcycle seat gave him two-year erection

the sad fact is that before i got into the ridiculousness of the story, my initial reaction was “is this really something BMW should be sued for, or is the truly deserving defendant the subcontractor that manufactured the seat specifically?” but let’s move past my incredibly BORING reaction for a moment.

“Commercials for erectile dysfunction medications like Cialis end with a warning that individuals should contact their doctor if they have an erection that lasts for more than four hours. After 20 months, Henry Wolf decided to contact a lawyer instead, claiming that the seat on his BMW motorcycle gave him an erection lasting nearly two years.”

the problem with this saucy intro, beyond the fact that i fervently believe this “Eric Pfeiffer” has taken some payment from Cialis to start his piece this way, is that my immediate question is “so did this guy go to the doctor or not?” because whatever the cause of his erection problem, it’s not like the way this will get debated is him whipping it out on the stand in court and saying, “do whatever you like to it, it won’t go away.” you’d HAVE to have some kind of medical professional, even if it’s some shady back-alley doctor with a questionable certification, wouldn’t you? granted, this is California, and television tells me they have all sorts of Wacky Courtroom Drama out there… but still!

“The San Francisco Chronicle reports that Wolf filed a lawsuit against BMW North American and Corbin-Pacific claiming that the “ridged seat” on his 1993 motorcycle left him with mental and emotional anguish after allegedly causing an extreme case of priapism, also known as a long-lasting erection.”

i also get the impression that Pfeiffer wrote the phrase “long-lasting erection” dozens of times throughout this article before some depressed-looking, chain-smoking editor glared at him and remarked, “invest some of your time in learning what the word priapism means. also, the less you use the phrase ‘long-lasting erection,’ the better.

“Wolf “has been experiencing continuing problems since his motorcycle ride,” attorney Vernon Bradley of Sausalito wrote in the lawsuit, which was filed in California Superior Court in San Francisco last Thursday. “He is now unable to engage in sexual activity, which is causing him substantial emotional and mental anguish.””

now, i’m no medical expert, but while i can totally see how a 20-month-long erection would certainly cause “continuing problems,” wouldn’t an inability to engage in sexual activity NOT be one of them? and even if it was, presumably because his 20-month-long erection is incredibly sore… does this mean he was out there cruising around on his erection-causing motorcycle banging loose biker-loving women for 19+ months UNTIL it became a problem and THEN decided to sue BMW? because this seems like an ineffective was to address the situation.

“Bradley said the alleged case of priapism began after Wolf took a four-hour ride on his motorcycle. As those erectile dysfunction commercials so regularly note-“

Pfeiffer, you are what Tom Nuttall would call “a bought-out son of a bitch.” STOP IT.

“-priapism can technically be onset after just four hours and is generally considered an emergency medical condition. The condition is named after the Greek fertility god Priapus, who is commonly depicted as having an unusually large erection.”

see, again, the lack of immediate medical treatment is confusing, because you’d have to figure that one, the average guy doesn’t normally have such long-lasting erections that he wouldn’t notice one that was exceeding four hours, and two, even if Wolf WAS prone to erections that just would not quit, wouldn’t there be SOME point prior to 20 months where you’d think, “boy, i really DO need to consult a medical professional about this erection lasting more than four hours.”

“According to USA Today, Wolf is seeking monetary damages for lost wages, medical expenses, emotional distress and “general damage.””

USA Today has let me down on this front, because i really want to know what some of this means. medical expenses? despite the lack of a doctor being mentioned, that seems pretty clear. emotional distress? i always find this idea a little bogus, but okay. lost wages? let’s just take it as a given that he couldn’t work because his MASSIVE THREE-INCH ERECTION was distracting all the ladies at the office, although some clarity would be nice. but general damages? what else could he need to be compensated for that we haven’t covered?

“The All About Bikes blog notes that there have been several instances alleging erectile dysfunction as a result of narrow motorcycle seats but that this appears to be the first case where a medical condition with the exact opposite effect has been alleged. Florida radio station WWJ Newsradio 950 spoke with Michigan Institute of Urology’s Dr. Michael Luts who said there is “no medical data” to support Wolf’s claim, again citing the evidence that riding a motorcycle for an extended period of time typically works against the body’s ability to achieve sexual arousal. “It’s been long-known that compression of the neurovascular supply to the penis—if it’s compressed for a period of time, whether it be on a bicycle seat or some other device—it can actually cause prolonged numbness of the genitalia,” Lutz told the station.”

you didn’t need to speak to a doctor from MICHIGAN for someone to point out that there’s no medical data to support this; we covered that at the part where it’s apparently not a pressing thing to address or to mention your supposed doctor regarding (although definitely pressing enough to sue for that cash). but we could have asked the doctor this? motorcycle-seat pressure causing prolonged genital numbness has been “long-known?” what exactly are you dudes studying up there in Michigan?

blind, 1916
a bleak photograph made even bleaker by the fact that the subject is not fully aware a skinny 45-year-old man is exposing his sub-par genitals to her

man exposes himself at Association for the Blind

yeah, that’s definitely a headline. to cut right to the chase:

“A man exposed himself to a woman inside the Bucks County Association for the Blind. Newtown Township police said the incident occurred about 2 p.m. Friday inside the bookstore at the offices at 400 Freedom Drive. The woman told police the suspect is a skinny, black male, between 35 and 45 years old, about 5 feet 10 inches tall and was wearing a black track suit. Officers checked the area along with Newtown Borough police and could not find the suspect.”

now, this isn’t a very long article, but i have found it raised some key questions:

01. was this man AWARE that it was the Association for the Blind that he was exposing himself in? because this either means that a) there’s something about exposing himself with the prospect of people NOT BEING AWARE of it (except, perhaps, for their detection of his heavy breathing and giggling at the like) that really works for this guy; b) that he was so desperate to expose himself to SOMEONE that when his original plans fell through (like the ladies’ yoga class ended early, or there was a random police officer near the Orange Julius stand with the cute server that this guy was really going to show something to) that he HAD to expose himself to someone in the first place he could; or c) this guy’s just fucking stupid. i ALWAYS vote for stupid in these scenarios.

02. how did someone in the Association for the Blind describe what the subject looked like? because i am starting to get the impression that SOMEONE is getting over on us, the average taxpayer, with a fictional disability.

now, speaking of situations that involve appalling, grotesque approximations of sexual reproduction…

that octomom
i sort of consider her visage to be the opposite of pornography, but hey, what do i know?

‘Octomom’ files for bankruptcy; Nadya Suleman turns to adult film industry

yes, she’s disgusting and giving her the slightest amount of attention isn’t doing anything but encouraging an attention whore, but we’re trying for a “weird sex-related crime” theme here, and since i consider her mere existence a crime… anyway, a minor quibble to start: what’s the point of using the nickname AND the actual name in the overly-long title there?

“Octomom” Nadya Suleman filed for bankruptcy Monday, saying in a court filing that she has as much as $1 million in debt. “I have had to make some very difficult decisions this year, and filing Chapter 7 was one of them,” Suleman said.”

so for one thing, i’m disappointed it took this long to make such difficult decisions, considering her apparent to crank out as many unsupported children as possible for another, does it seem to anyone else like our society’s failure to seize her children and sterilize her has simply allowed her to run up that $1 million in debt? really, who keeps loaning her money? personally, i’m choosing to believe that she’s the cause of our recent recession.

“The La Habra mother of 14 reports up to $50,000 in assets in federal court filings, which means she owes more than 20 times her net worth. Suleman is filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy, which means a court-appointed trustee would liquidate her assets to pay off creditors before she is discharged from most of her debts. Among others, Suleman owes money to her father, the city’s water department, DirecTV and Whittier Christian School, where at least some of her children are students.”

well, at least her debts are for necessities like water and… DirecTV. look, i like my DirecTV and all, but when you’ve got 14 children, $1 million in debt and no job, it MIGHT be time to cut out the premium package, to say the least. somehow, though, i doubt she even has much in the way of assets for the trustee to liquidate (there’s no home-ownership, for example)… so what’s the point?

“Suleman also owes more than $30,000 in rent payments on her four-bedroom house. The home’s owner, Amer Haddadin, says his own credit has suffered as he allowed the home to go into foreclosure proceedings by not making the mortgage payments. A foreclosure auction that was scheduled for Monday has been postponed for a week. Suleman was in financial dire straits before the January 2009 birth of her octuplets brought her notoriety.”

so while i am sure Haddadin is thinking “i don’t really want to put 14 children out on the street,” i’m just going to say this: when someone’s $30000 behind on the rent, they’re not about to suddenly make it right before it destroys your credit, and that’s why we call our local sheriff to gentle escort that said someone out of the house with her soiled collection of household goods.

oh, and we learn (or reconfirm, anyway) that in 2009, prior to the eight births, she already was in dire financial straits and had six children, making it clear what a great decision it was for her to bloat her womb to an insane side to pump out more children. seriously, my presidential campaign will feature two planks in the platform: “guns guns guns” and “packing your body full of in vitro fertility treatments when you owe big money and have more than five children will result in you going directly to jail.”

but anyway, this is where we’re going with all this:

“In 2009, Suleman declined a million-dollar offer to appear in pornography — but now she’s changed her mind. TMZ reported that Suleman signed up to make a solo masturbation video for an adult entertainment company. Suleman reportedly “doesn’t consider a masturbation video porn, because it’s a solo mission.” She has vowed in the past never to get into pornography, but she has made $10,000 for posing topless.”

so basically:
–she made a big fuss over never doing pornography, but has posed semi-naked and now is about to make out-and-out pornography;
–she’s choosing to do this now AFTER racking up an insane amount of debt and running at least one other person’s credit in the process (i say at least one because somehow i suspect family members have long since ruined their credit for her benefit);
–she doesn’t actually seem smart enough to understand what the word “pornography” means.

Octomom, look, the thing to do was make some $1000000 porn video back in 2009 and tell everyone you were only doing it to feed your children. that would have been something approaching an adult decision to do whatever you needed to do to support all your unnecessary kids. but now you’ve got this weird “i guess i have to do porn” thing going on that’s evoking a combination of “well, it’s sad this is her solely remaining career option” and “the thought of this Octomom masturbation fiasco is making me vomit out every organ i can in the hope of reaching the sweet embrace of death.”

so there you have it: after the things we’ve covered this week, death cannot possibly be the worst possible outcome for us all. we could end up with a 20-month erection watching Octomom porn surrounded by blind people. make sure you give thanks for avoiding all that.

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