spring 2012 disgust with politics, part II: in which i accidentally just talked about the same thing i talked about six months ago, kind of

so here we go with part two of “janklow being COMPLETELY fed up with politics in May.” here’s the weird part: i came up with the topics for this update based just on “things i saw on the news that enraged me”… only to realize that my 12.20.2011 update essentially covered the EXACT SAME PEOPLE (except for the Amuish guys, who i don’t have anything new to say regarding at this time). either this means i don’t really have anything approaching fresh, funny material (guilty as charged) or there’s something fundamentally wrong with our society, given how it allows these guys to run completely wild to such an extent that i have to keep getting worked up over them.

maybe it’s both?

Mayor Bloomberg and ALL OF HIS GARBAGE
whenever i see him, i am reminded that Bloomberg does have a face that seems to demand punches. he’s still no Sean Penn, however

NYC Mayor Bloomberg seeks ban on super-size soft drinks

at this point, i am starting to suspect that Bloomberg has some kind of weird sexual fetish where he can only achieve a release by pulling some kind of major asshole move, because every other day when i read the news, he’s doing something that screams “massive douchebag,” such as any number of his anti-gun things, or that time he got the law changed to get himself ANOTHER term as mayor of NYC and then followed it up by declaring, essentially, that the law could be changed back when he was done being mayor, because no one ELSE would ever need that kind of leeway. he’s gotten so good at this that if i didn’t want him to die painfully in a fire, i’d have to begrudgingly respect it… although, to be honest, i kind of want him to die in a fire.

so it’s a new day and Bloomberg is once again “doing his asshole thing”:

“New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg intends to restrict sales of sugary soft drinks to no more than 16 ounces a cup in city restaurants, movie theaters, stadiums and arenas, administration officials said. The Health Department plans to propose the ban as an amendment to the Health Code at a June 12 meeting of the Board of Health, according to Samantha Levine, a mayoral spokeswoman.”

isn’t it enough already? look, someone who’s from New York needs to tell me what the hell this guy has ever done to make them like him enough to keep voting him into office, because i SINCERELY do not understand it. from the jump, this seems like a half-assed nanny state manuever, but, okay, let’s see if the article can make some kind of case for it.

“The move to ban super-sized sugared soft drinks, first reported in the New York Times yesterday, is the latest of several anti-obesity and nutrition initiatives undertaken by the administration. It is among strategies to combat what the administration has described as an epidemic of obesity and related illnesses such as heart disease and diabetes. “People will come to see this very much in the interest of public health,” Deputy Mayor Howard Wolfson said today at a press conference. “This is going to start a nationwide movement toward this, a nationwide trend. I think it will prove to be very popular.””

so it turns out that New York has a very stupid Deputy Mayor. look, even if i grant that there’s some kind of health issue being served here –and at this point, that’s a VERY big if– why would you think a law that restricts what people ARE VOLUNTARILY DOING OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL would immediately become very popular? and look, don’t get fooled by the fact that we’ve all come to turns with smoking bans and the like: society has been treating smokers like second-class members of society from whom we’ll suck taxes as we sit fit and we’ve all decided to just say “fuck it” and let it happen. it’s always the exception that proves the rule, however.

“The city’s health department has posted anti-sugary drink ads inside subway trains for three years. In 2008, the city required restaurant chains to post calorie-counts on menus. In 2006 and 2007, the Board of Health and City Council banned artery-clogging trans-fats from restaurants and prepared foods. In 2003, Bloomberg blocked the beverages from vending machines in schools and city-owned buildings.”

and this is what it’s really all about. Bloomberg knows better than you what’s best for you: that’s why he’s rich and the mayor and you’re poor and worthless, you stupid prole. but when he used advertisements and mandatory menu information and mild bans, you FOR SOME REASON ignored all the wisdom he was dropping on you… and so now you’ve forced him to do more stupid bullshit for no reason! success, American New Yorkers!

anyway, leave it to the foul merchants of SODA DEATH to bring all the logic into this:

“The people of New York City are much smarter than the New York City Health Department believes,” Kirsten Witt Webb, a Coca-Cola Co. spokeswoman … “They can make their own choices about the beverages they purchase. We hope New Yorkers loudly voice their disapproval about this arbitrary mandate.” Jeff Dahncke, a spokesman for PepsiCo Inc., referred questions to the New York City Beverage Association.”

well, maybe just Coca-Cola. PepsiCo apparently seems content to eat Bloomberg’s shit and ask for seconds. but okay, let’s say we agree this is an unfair, stupid idea; Bloomberg’s at least taken the time to think up a logically consistent way to enforce this in a city as large as NYC, right?

“The law would allow patrons to buy as many of the smaller drinks as they wanted and get refills. The ban would not apply to convenience stores and groceries, which will blunt any financial toll on soft drink makers, according to Thomas Mullarkey, an analyst for Morningstar Inc. in Chicago. “The proposal probably won’t have too big an impact on the likes of Coke and Pepsi,” Mullarkey said in a telephone interview. “Most of their volume sales goes through convenience and grocery stores.” He rates both companies as three stars out of five, meaning they are fairly valued.”

…oh. so let me see if i understand this: if i want to purchase a 16oz soda, Bloomberg will look scornfully down on me and allow it, but if i want to purchase a 20oz soda, he’ll flip out and try to throw me off his plane like he’s Harrison Ford in that movie where Harrison Ford was simply OUTRAGED by all the international terrorism taking place on his airliner? also, i can buy the 20oz sodas in tons of places in the city anyway? what the hell?

honestly, i don’t know if it’s good that Bloomberg comes up with these illogical garbage laws, as they seem to be at best stupid nonsense that will not REALLY stop anyone from doing the things they want to do, or bad, because the man’s a billionaire and the mayor of NYC, both of which being things that i would THINK you could not achieve without some minor command of logic.

“Coca-Cola has added smaller packages, including 12-ounce and 16-ounce bottles, that will make it easier to respond to proposals such as New York’s, said Caroline Levy, a New York- based analyst for Credit Agricole Securities USA Inc. While PepsiCo has been slower to respond, it’s catching up, she said. The risk is low that other cities will follow with similar bans, said Levy, adding, “People will see it as an infringement on their personal liberties.””

you know what’s REALLY sad here, aside from the fact that this article insists on only talking to people who constantly discuss the value of these cola companies’ stock? that the implication is “well, people in cities that aren’t New York give a shit about their civil liberties, so they’ll want no part of this, but in New York, they’ll just shut up and take it.” there’s some kind of Bill Hicks-style remark about New Yorkers being told they can have only 16oz of soda, but all of Bloomberg’s demonic corporate phallus they can swallow to be made here.

but ultimately, this is what Bloomberg does: wake up, climb out of the giant pile of money he sleeps in, and ask himself how he can fuck with people that day. we should not be surprised. and speaking of New Yorkers who hold reprehensible positions…

Donald Fucking Trump
unrelated note: is it just me, or does Trump look like he smells bad? this is not even a shot at the guy, it’s just the impression i get

Donald Trump rages in CNN meltdown over Obama ‘birther’ issue

yes, it’s my other friend from New York, Donald Trump. you may remember the major differences between him and Bloomberg: Bloomberg actually has hair, Bloomberg actually is a billionaire, Bloomberg actually runs for office. they’re both awful people who say and do stupid things; in this case, Trump is pretty much saying the same damn things:

“Donald Trump is seething over the President Obama “birther” issue — and the latest target of his wrath is CNN. In an interview Tuesday, the real estate magnate and “Celebrity Apprentice” overseer got into a war of words with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, castigating the network for what he dubbed “inaccurate” reporting and ridiculing its low ratings. At one point, Blitzer said that Trump was beginning to sound ridiculous. “I think you sound ridiculous,” Trump shot back via telephone.”

okay, kids, let me settle this: you BOTH sound ridiculous. Trump because he’s, well, Donald Trump, a fake billionaire who won’t shut the fuck up about this goddamn birther issue. i actually think he’s a Democrat plant, since the only things he talks about make Republicans look bad (the discredited birther garbage; the whole “tell others to tell China to fuck off while having Trump-brand stuff made there”; the list goes on), although there’s the point where Republicans kind of deserve it by taking this idiot seriously. Blitzer because … well, how does the saying go? “a wise man told me don’t argue with fools, ’cause people from a distance can’t tell who is who?” it’s Donald Trump, Blitzer: you shouldn’t have to point out to us that he’s ridiculous. it’s immediately apparent to all of us currently able to dress ourselves in the morning.

“Trump is keeping the issue alive even as he brandishes his support for the presumed Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. “A lot of people do not believe that birth certificate,” Trump told Blitzer.”

unmentioned in this piece is that Trump steadfastly refuses to a) make any kind of substantive remarks about what his “investigators” found in Hawaii, while continuing to imply they discovered THE SECRETS OF OBAMA, as if the key to proving Obama wasn’t born in America is like a golden idol Trump had to wrest away from some kind of dart-shooting death trap; and b) name ANYONE who doesn’t believe that birth certificate. in fact, if i can recall what he says, it goes:


well, you’re right, you don’t HAVE to name names. you don’t HAVE to wear what Jon Stewart would call “antique doll hair” on your head and pretend it’s your actual hair. you don’t HAVE to do a lot of things. but if you want people to give you the SLIGHTEST amount of credit regarding your birth certificate claims? yes, you have to name some fucking names.

“Trump said that if CNN would report the issue accurately, the network would draw “better ratings than you’re getting, which are pretty small.” Last week, CNN sank to its lowest prime-time audience levels in more than 20 years.”

but let’s ignore the fact that whatever claims Trump is making about “reporting the issue accurately” –he of the evidence and support that he refuses to provide– and focus on this: the fact is, i don’t feel at all bad for Blitzer and/or CNN because they, like all the news channels, keep letting this idiot ramble on television in an attempt to get ratings because he makes people like me FLIP THE FUCK OUT COMPLETELY.

here’s the bottom line: anyone who really seeks to broadcast real news needs to stop putting this guy on the air. i don’t care if you’re a Republican trying to throw your base some red meat or a Democrat who wants to show off the stupidest Republican he could find or a broadcaster who either sympathizes with one of those sides or, more cynically, just wants to throw Trump’s stupid blather on the air to grab for ratings: if you purport to engage in legitimate, intelligent political discourse, STOP PUTTING DONALD TRUMP AND WHATEVER THAT ALIEN BEING CLINGING TO HIS SCALP IS ON THE GODDAMN AIRWAVES RIGHT NOW. otherwise, i shall presume you are yet another vapid cunt like Trump himself. he at least KNOWS he’s playing you all for suckers.

okay, that’ll do it for this week. i’m going to go throw up now.

Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *