people have still not learned about to operate 911, which i guess i should have expected

is it incredibly obvious when i’m cranking these article-based updates out quickly to make up for the fact that the better-crafted updates seem to be taking FOREVER? because, uh, well, if it’s not, i guess i sort of gave away what’s going on, didn’t i? and, let’s be honest, this joke about poor craftsmanship and hasty updates ISN’T EVEN ORIGINAL AT THIS POINT. it’s all around depressing… so here are some jokes? maybe?

um little um turkey
you can also choose to be offended by his constant use of the word “um,” if that’s your thing

man calls 911 over sandwich order

you know, we’ve talked about this. and talked about this, and talked about this, and talked about this. and yet, dear American friends, you still don’t seem to have realized something: calling 911 is NOT the way you resolve your petty bullshit. it’s just not. i know you’re upset, i know you’re confused as to what you can do with ALL YOUR RAGE … but the correct answer is not “calling 911.” to the article!

A Connecticut man knows how he likes his sandwich, and so does the 911 dispatcher who took his call on Wednesday afternoon complaining about how it was made. “I specifically asked for little turkey, and little ham, a lot of cheese and a lot of mayonnaise and they are giving me a hard time. I wonder if you can stop by and just…” he said when he called 911 from Greatful Deli in East Hartford on Wednesday afternoon.”

i would like to believe that when this “Connecticut man” trailed off, it was because part of his brain realized, “hey, i probably SHOULDN’T be calling 911 about some random bullshit regarding poorly-constructed sandwiches,” but that would take me into the dangerous realm of “thinking well of the average American.” in truth, he probably trailed off because he was deep into a fantasy involving a team of policemen smashing into the Greatful Deli with one of those should-be-used-by-the-military-but-now-the-police-have-them-for-some-reason armored trucks and beating the owner and employees until their batons are slick with blood and- well, i’ll let YOU decide how this sick, sick man’s somewhat sexualized revenge fantasy ends.

“But, here are the highlights: The dispatcher remains calm and manages to calm Rother McLennon down, all why trying to make him realize that a sandwich, no matter how much it differs from what he asked for, is no reason to call 911.
“You’re calling 911 because you don’t like way that they’re making your sandwich?” the dispatcher asks.
“Exactly,” he said.”

a noble effort, dispatcher! but one that was sure to fail (and to confirm the worst about that mysterious trailing-off earlier), as evidenced by the fact that he seems to have had no qualms about proudly claiming “exactly” in the fact of the question.

“With that settled, the dispatcher offers some advice: “So, then, don’t buy it,” she said.”

EXACTLY

“But McLennon, who seems to be a regular at the deli, tells her he’s not just calling about this sandwich. He also fears that they won’t make his sandwich to his specific request in the future. “I mean, I just want to solve this the right way,” he said. “Her sister made it, but she left. They are playing games with me, so I was just wondering if you could come by,” he said. “I just want it resolved and I want to be able to come back here and get the regular sandwich that I ask for.””

okay, there are issues developed here that are outraging me:
01. you’re a REGULAR at the deli you’re calling 911 regarding? was there no middle step between “constantly purchase sandwiches” and “immediately report these sandwich craftsmen to the authorities?”
02. when you say you’re concerned that they won’t make your specific request in the future… does this mean you intend to return to the establishment you called 911 on? because i will confirm this: if there’s a surefire way to convince a deli NOT to make your requests correctly in the future, it’s to try and call the police regarding how they make sandwiches.

“The call ends with more advice to the caller. “In the future, just don’t buy the sandwich,” 911 tells him. “I’ll look at it before I buy it,” he said. Tila Azinheira, who owns the deli, said the man placed a phone order for 14 sandwiches and they made them the way he asked. Then, he did not want to pay for them. Azinheira said the deli told the man they could not take the sandwiches back because they were special orders, then he used the deli’s phone to call 911.”

USED THE DELI’S PHONE TO CALL 911? did he yell, “GIVE ME MY SANDWICHES OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE” and point angrily at a phone in the corner, and then feel compelled to call the police when the deli didn’t back down for some mysterious reason like “because they’re adults that know you don’t call 911 over sandwich construction,” or was this one of those things where he had to ASK to use their phone and they let him, and then he called the police on it? THIS IS INFORMATION I NEED, NBC CONNECTICUT.

“McLennon called the deli on Thursday to apologize and tell them that he would be coming back in the future for more sandwiches, the deli owner said.”

…because there certainly won’t be any semen or saliva or anything else tasty in those sandwiches now!

“No information was immediately available on the man’s age or his hometown. Police have not filed charges.”

let me just say this: the longer these 911 abusers go without LEAST getting publicly mocked in a courtroom, the longer people will think it’s okay to use 911 in this way. IT IS NOT OKAY, AMERICA.

um little um turkey
ELMO ALSO BELIEVES PENGUINS HAVE AFFECTED HIS EMPLOYMENT AND CONSPIRE WITH JEWS!

“anti-Semitic Elmo” handcuffed, removed by ambulance from New York’s Central Park

okay, to start, there’s actually no need to throw the quotes around “anti-Semetic Elmo” there, because that’s ABSOLUTELY a correct depiction of events. yes, i understand that he’s not an OFFICIAL Elmo, but i also believe that everyone else would realize that as well. but to the article!

“A man who haunts Central Park dressed as Elmo, the lovable Sesame Street character, was handcuffed by New York City cops yesterday and whisked away in an ambulance after he launched into one of his trademark anti-Semitic rants.”

so i understand that even in the case of a crazy Elmo who hates Jews, there are still serious First Amendment issues that must be respected, and i am not saying otherwise, but as someone in this story is clearly mentally disturbed (hint: it’s the guy dressed as Elmo who’s been ranting about Jews in the middle of a park in order to become a walking stereotype of every crazy guy in a television show or movie ever), i have to ask why he hasn’t been carted off by ambulance before now. but now he has!

“The unidentified man, who police say was not arrested, was removed from the vicinity of the Central Park Zoo, where he has alternately posed for photos with park visitors, screamed curses, and launched into diatribes about assorted Jewish conspiracies.”

one, is it hilarious or depressing that this guy poses for pictures with the park visitors? either he’s been doing this so much that he’s known to be a park fixture and people are actively going out of their way to see him and get pictures, which would qualify as depressing, or random visitors to the zoo think he’s just another NYC fixture and figure they might as well get pictures, which is also a little depressing, but also a little funny, because, you know, CONFUSED MIDWESTERNERS HA HA HA.

“For instance, last week the man was filmed loudly complaining that he was not making money because “the Jewish cops” were harassing him. He also suggested that parkgoers [sic] read “The International Jew,” a notorious series of anti-Semitic pamphlets distributed about 90 years ago by the auto magnate Henry Ford.”

well, don’t you think that Jewish cops will harass you if you spend your time standing in the park screaming about Jewish conspiracies? i mean, it’s not like you’re going to make yourself seem like an innocent victim in all this. also, the lack of explanation regarding the Elmo costume leads me to believe that, well, you’re even MORE fucking crazy than the average crazy asshole who spends his free time ranting about Jews.

“”If you start your own business in this city, Jews will harass you,” the man announced. As her friend videotaped enraged Elmo, a young woman remarked, “That is the scariest Elmo I’ve ever seen in my life. Oh my God.””

which raises the real question: this woman has seen OTHER Elmos that could be described as scary, and this guy has topped him? because i’ll tell you this: i have not seen this guy, but if i HAD, he would have been the ONLY scary Elmo i have ever seen. the rest of them all want hugs! and for you to learn about things! and they all love you! okay, phrased like that, i admit it sounds a little scary.

“After having his Elmo head removed, the costumed, middle-aged man was placed into an ambulance and apparently brought to New York-Presbyterian Hospital for observation.”

…because ripping the head off Crazy Ranting Elmo is SURE to make the whole thing less scary for the children.

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