this week, we will apparently be making fun of Florida. sorry about that, Florida

sometimes it seems like we have waves of ridiculousness that make a particular state look bad; typically, this state has been Kentucky, but it seems the recent zombie attack in Florida has tipped the balance of “ridiculousness to be mocked on the internet” over to Florida for the time being. so with that being said, i would be remiss if i didn’t make with the insults ASAP.

Robert Casey
Casey relaxed expression is that of a man who will not be judged for what you may or may not have found concealed in his rectum

police: naked man caught masturbating while driving (Fort Pierce, FL)

the real failing with this headline is that it does not indicate what’s so over-the-top about this story; while sometimes it’s nice to have a surprise, the catch is that many a reader might think, “oh, just another story about a masturbating driver” and move on, never knowing exactly what a secret gem of local news they missed out on.

“A man was naked and masturbating while driving in St. Lucie County on Monday, according to a police report obtained by WPBF 25 News. Robert Casey, who just turned 49 on Sunday-“

so is it possible this was some part of a belated birthday celebration gone horribly wrong? obviously, that doesn’t make this acceptable driving practice, but still, if there’s ever a time to get a pass on behind-the-wheel masturbation (and nudity), it might just be your 49th birthday.

“-was driving his Jeep Cherokee in Fort Pierce when a tow truck driver pulled up alongside him, a report from the Fort Pierce Police Department said. The tow truck driver told investigators he saw a naked man masturbating while driving the Cherokee. “The male’s hands were in his groin area moving around,” the police report said.”

now, when i first read this, i thought, “oh, some defense attorney is just going to say that there was a bee sting there or something.” but upon closer inspection of the police report, it turns out the witness PRECEDED the “groin area moving around” remark by stating that it “appeared that the white male was beating off as he was driving in traffic.” apparently we can’t use the phrase “beating off” in polite company even when we’re describing a crime? what a prudish society we live in.

“When Casey was eventually pulled over along the side of Interstate 95, it took him a moment to come to a stop because, according to the arresting officer’s notes in the report, he was still trying to get dressed. When the officer asked him why he was driving naked, “Casey stated that he has problems with this and he is getting therapy,” the report said, adding that the man couldn’t explain why he was naked.”

and here i thought “has problems with this and is getting therapy” WAS an explanation for why he was driving around naked beating off.

“The officer then patted Casey down and found a toy pistol tied to his leg, part of which was hidden in Casey’s behind. Another portion of the contraption was tied around his genitals, the report said.”

…and THERE is the twist that the headline leaves out: naked and masturbating IN TRAFFIC while driving… with a toy pistol tied to his leg and/or in his ass. AND THE USE OF THE WORD “CONTRAPTION” TO DESCRIBE THIS. but this does lead to another question: what exactly was Casey referring to when he stated that he had problems “with this”: the public masturbating and/or nudity? the poor driving decisions? the use of the toy pistol? this is why it’s such a shame our hard-hitting journalistic profession has taken such hits in recent years: no one is asking the questions that need to be asked!

seriously, at LEAST an explanation of what the hell the “contraption” was would have been nice. i have seen some terrible, terrible things in my day and i still can’t make any sense out of it.

“Casey was booked into the St. Lucie County Jail on a charge of lewd and lascivious behavior.”

mainly because you can’t be charged with “making me touch that toy pistol after what you did with it.” however, where is the reckless driving charge?

Mark Christopher Miller ... and his 4-FOOT sword
let me sadly admit that i have some experience with random sword attacks, although i wish it was not so

sword, sandwich used in attack in women, deputies say (Winter Haven, FL)

at least this story SHOULD feature less masturbation?

“A Winter Haven man remained in jail Sunday after he was accused of attacking three women with a 4-foot sword and a peanut-butter sandwich, according to the Polk County Sheriff’s Office.”

one thing i have never understood is why stories involving sword attacks (not that there are THAT many stories about sword attacks, i suppose) always want to focus on how long the sword is. would the attack have been less severe if the sword was only 3 feet long? is the author of this news piece unable to describe a sword beyond to state its length? am i the only one who cares about this?

“Mark Christopher Miller, 50, used the sword to threaten two women, one of them pregnant, and then smeared another with the sandwich before the deputies hauled him away, according to his arrest report.”

well, if incidentally smearing someone with a sandwich constitutes ATTACKING them with it, then you can color me disappointed with the attack this story’s headline promised me. COLOR ME INDIGO FOR INCREDIBLE DISAPPOINTMENT. because i have to be honest, it just seems like the sandwich was just kind of there.

“As the deputies drove him to jail, Miller ripped a piece of padding from the inside of the patrol car with his teeth, the report says.”

well, look, once you’ve been arrested for the sword attack, you might as well do whatever OTHER crazy nonsense you’ve always wanted to do so that you can lump it all together into one big exhaustion/drug addiction/alcoholism excuse. you’re probably only going to get so many of those in life, so you cannot waste them.

“The fracas began when Miller heard a disturbance outside his mobile home at 2500 U.S. 92 W. No. 18A. He exited, sword in hand, and “poked” it at the 6-month pregnant woman’s stomach, the report says. She managed to grab the blade and stop him from stabbing her.”

this, of course, adds credence to my theory that the sandwich was incidentally there: he heard a fracas outside his mobile home (because of COURSE this thing happened near some mobile homes) in the middle of his dinner, which probably involved a sandwich, and then responded by grabbing his 4-FOOT sword and heading out in search of justice. one doesn’t just DROP a partially-eaten sandwich in the quest for justice, though, as you never know when you might want to grab a bite.

here’s the REAL question: why was a 6-MONTH pregnant woman involved in a “fracas” outside this guy’s mobile home? seriously, even if he’s a complete sword-wielding nut-job, shouldn’t a pregnant woman not be fracassing it up out there?

and now, for the most ridiculous thing i can think of finding in Florida that’s not related to Scientology:

Donald Trump
stand down, Chris Brown and Sean Penn: Donald Trump demands you recognize he has America’s most punchable face


Trump to receive local GOP award ahead of party convention (Sarasota, FL)

look, GOP, i thought we had an agreement: i would watch you cozy up to this garbage human being Trump during the primaries and you guys would cast him aside once it was time to get serious. and now this! frankly, this is just another reason why i think there ought to be a limit on when the whole election process starts, because it already seems like i have endured several years of people taking Donald Trump seriously. especially when i have weighed in on this several times.

and yet…

“Business mogul Donald Trump will be recognized as the 2012 Statesman of the Year by the Sarasota, Florida, Republican Party the day before the Republican National Convention opens in Tampa next month.”

all i have to say is this: what exactly has Donald Trump done to be recognized as a statesman of the year? seriously, all jokes and rants aside, what exactly has Trump done? continue to be a hypocrite on free trade? bitch about Obama continually? because with all due respect (as in no respect is due to Donald Trump), the man is a fake billionaire who has never held public office (and never will) and who will never have any serious political job.

“Tickets for the August 26 dinner go as high as $1,000 per person, which include a private meet-and-greet with Trump, according to an invitation flyer for the event.”

also, he is not worth paying $1000 to greet, even privately. but wait, i think they’re going to tell me his statesman’s credentials!

“Trump has endorsed the presidential run of presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney, though Trump’s repeated questioning of President Barack Obama’s birthplace and birth certificate have overshadowed events where they have appeared together.”

okay, so he’s endorsed the Republican nominee, something thousands of ACTUAL Republicans have done, and he’s engaged in the whole “birther” controversy, something no serious political figure or human being has done. so far, this is only making it clear he has absolutely no standing to be called a statesman. well, that and that he’s a fucking scumbag.

“Trump initially flirted with his own run for the presidency, but dropped out of the field in the spring.”

let me repeat myself: he has never held public office and never will. this was not flirting with a run for the presidency, which he could never seriously have run for anyway, given his need to conceal his LACK of being a billionaire; this was a cynical ploy to take advantage of the GOP to get a ratings boost for his television show and to keep his name out there. one must always remember that Trump is not a businessman who sells products or runs businesses; he sells his name and/or fame for money. the end.

“He has appeared this year at state-level Republican Party events, such as a fundraiser for the North Carolina GOP last month, where he stood by his so-called “birther” comments and said waging war with Iran may be “good politics” for the incumbent.”

so again, he’s done nothing more than scores of other ACTUAL politicians, he’s made stupid birther remarks, and i guess you add he’s belittled the concept of war with Iran. still waiting for those credentials!

“Rep. Vern Buchanan, who is the subject of four federal and Congressional investigations into his business practices, has donated at least $15,000 in conjunction with the event, according to the August invitation. Buchanan is the head of fundraising for the National Republican Congressional Committee, which works to elect Republicans to Congress.”

well, this is clearly about Buchanan, not Trump, but it’s not making Trump look like one hell of a statesman.

GOP… come on, now, get it together and get rid of this Trump character. now he’s soiled the good image of the Republican primaries and the good name of Sarasota, FL. pretty soon he’ll damage something that matters!

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