recently, our hero janklow was at one of the local fueling stations here in semi-rural Maryland (admittedly, this introduction does not speak of the most exciting lifestyle being possessed by yours truly) when i witnessed a rather large man who was fervently singing the praises of his mode of transport to several people, most of which appeared not to know who the hell this guy was, outside of the gas station. this is weird, but not SAD, i suppose… until you realize that said mode of transport was a bright blue scooter (brand not recalled because, let’s face it, who gives a damn about scooters). now, look, it’s a free country and you drive what you like, but i am still going to call it ridiculous.
and now, janklow with an open letter to the morbidly obese gentleman i witnessed extolling the virtues of his scooter to random people at a gas station.
fuck you, scooters, fuck you
well, why did you do it? are you some sort of jerk or something? do you not realize how ridiculous you look or sound? i know there’s something to be said for not getting wrapped up in the views and opinions of others, but i think we’re going well beyond the acceptable standard for that when we start to co-sign nonsense like “living the kind of lifestyle that involves a grown man motoring around on a bright blue scooter!”
look, let me tell you some things i understand about scooters:
01. they get phenomenal gas mileage. yes, random scooter guy, i heard you making this point, and i know it’s correct. in fact, i used to work with ANOTHER guy who rode a scooter to work and spent a lot of time defending this decision to those of us who would taunt and boo him until our throats were sore. his major (and possibly only) point was that he got some unrealistic amount of miles per gallon from that scooter; i don’t remember what it was, but let’s say he claimed it was hundreds of miles per gallon. my counterpoint is very simple: great, but this doesn’t change any of the NEGATIVE stuff i’m about to say about scooters. and it’s not like your only choices in life are “awful, awful scooter” or “giant, gas-guzzling pick-up truck.”
so sir, while i admit that scooter must get phenomenal gas mileage, it’s still a scooter and the combination of you and it look completely ridiculous.
02. they lack the aspects of a car that protect you from the weather and/or other drivers. remember that co-worker i mentioned? he would drive to work ON THE GODDAMN BELTWAY on this scooter. forget how you look or the lack of comfort (i can’t imagine a scooter is as comfortable to drive long distances as a car is), what about the harsh elements and/or psychos driving into you with their motor vehicles? my economy-class car might not provide me THAT much protection… but it’s still going to handle a collision with another car better than a scooter will. and yeah, guys manage to drive motorcycles in the cold and the rain and so on, but i think we all know they have to acknowledge and accept those things. that’s why, for example, they dress the way they do, although even that results in people being mocked furiously for their over-the-top “motorcycle outfits.”
so sir, given the lack of protection that scooter will give your bloated physique, i cannot fathom what would occur were you to ride it, say, on the beltway in rush hour in a storm … except that i actually can, and i picture it prominently featuring the recovery of your ill-used corpse.
03. you look RIDICULOUS on a scooter. everyone does, that’s part of what you embrace when you decide to become a scooter guy. that said –and this is not to rag excessively on the plus-sized members of the American tribe– there’s still a difference between a regular guy on a scooter and a guy who weighs 300+ pounds on a scooter. let us not pretend we don’t know what i am talking about.
04. there’s no reason to be so goddamn EXCITED about your scooter. you know what kind of things are suitable for making you run around and accost random dudes at a gas station for the purpose of demanding they listen to you? having a child, i guess, and maybe winning the lottery, although the latter might just get you kidnapped. THAT IS THE LIST. when i get a new gun, i’m turbo-excited about it, but i don’t run around demanding people who i have never met listen to my heated extolling of how wonderful those guns are. although i suppose that would make you sound a little crazier than ranting about your scooter.
so in closing, sir, i hate your scooter SO MUCH. and speaking of things i am not supposed to rave at random gas station customers about…
things got very Soviet-style-but-not-quite-Soviet around here this time of year with this adorable little Tantal (kind of like an AK-74, but more Polish) and a companion in the Yugoslavian M57 (kind of like a Tokarev, but with better magazine and safety features). now, if only the support for AK-74 clones was as robust as the support for AK-47 clones. oh well…