a lot of times, when there’s a news story about some dude going COMPLETELY insane, it’s some regular dude (often from Kentucky or Florida) and we’re able to have a “there but for the grace of god go i” moment that makes us realize we should be drinking less and/or keeping better oversight over our use of 911. 911 IS NOT A TOY, AMERICA. i think it goes without saying that the average celebrity can probably leverage their wealth and fame into dodging such situations, which makes their meltdowns all the more ridiculous (and satisfying, since, you know, fuck THEM for having all that success).
…which brings us to Randy Travis, who has apparently decided to go entirely out of his damn mind this year. okay, perhaps this has been building up for some time (Randy Travis and i are not exactly at the BFF level that would allow me to confirm this), but either way, hilarity for all those not directly involved in the situation has ensued.
and here you thought it was just rap music that had an at-times self-destructive obsession with “keeping it real”
“This has been one tough year for country singer Randy Travis. The singer is currently involved in a vicious divorce with his ex-wife, he has one arrest under is belt for public intoxication and he’s now adding another arrest, this time for DWI. Travis was arrested Tuesday night outside Tioga, Texas, for driving while intoxicated, a misdemeanor, and retaliation and obstruction, a felony.”
now obviously one’s personal life is never an excuse for crimes like DWIs, given their ability to affect the innocent (in so much as all people are innocent, let’s not get into a whole Maynard James Keenan digression about how everyone deserves to be driven over by Randy Travis), but i suppose that at least he has the explanation of “vicious divorce” to attempt to excuse his apparent decision to go into drunk-and-insane mode for the year 2012. that said, it sounds like the year has been even MORE difficult for those who patronize establishments that sell liquor on days when Randy Travis is there.
“State troopers responded to a call at 11:18 p.m. reporting a man lying on the road outside of the town of Tioga. Travis had been involved in a single-car accident, police said. They discovered Travis at the scene with a “strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath and several signs of intoxication” and arrested him for DWI, according to the Grayson County Sheriff’s Office.”
and i am already disappointed in the reporting on this case (or the police report): why was Travis lying on the road? actually, strike that. note that someone called in a report of “a man lying on the road,” not a report of a single-car accident or ANY kind of car accident. this tells amateur detective janklow that either a) there was something especially notable about the way Travis was lying on the road (although i guess you’d pretty much say that about ANY random dude you spot lying on the road, as typically men don’t lie there for relaxation), or b) Travis had traveled some distance away from his car before lying in the road. the latter’s not THAT crazy if you think about it (i can supply an anecdote of a man running several miles after surviving a plane crash), but come on, clarify this for me!
yes, i acknowledge the witness who called it in might have seen Travis but, for some reason, NOT seen the evidence of the car crash. but i only thought of that after i burst into that heated paragraph!
“On the way to the station, Travis allegedly threatened to shoot and kill the troopers, which resulted in an additional charge of retaliation and obstruction.”
the lack of clarification on this is also frustrating. on the one hand, a drunk guy is prone to just yell some nonsense, but you’d think professional trained troopers would learn to just overlook that. “well, yeah, Mr. Travis said he was going to shoot and kill us, but then he also felt remorseful and stated he’d use his Jesus powers to bring us back to life and give us free dinosaurs.” so assuming that he was 100% Serious Business when it came to the death threat, what prompted it? the troopers getting him in guaranteed legal trouble? the trooper disturbing his middle-of-the-road rest period?
“Travis was brought to the station naked, though it’s unclear whether Travis was discovered naked or somehow disrobed later, Sgt. Ricky Wheeler of the Grayson County Sheriff’s Office told ABC News.”
while i know that he was probably just drunk and crazy to the extent that getting 100% naked seemed like a GREAT idea at the time, and that a less-likely but still solid possibility is that he was disrobing to evade capture and just took it too far (no comment on why this occurs to me), secretly, i hope this is how the cops got their revenge on him for the death threat.
Randy Travis: “YOU FUCKING PIGS I WAS TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP HERE BECAUSE I’M FUCKING TIRED I’LL FUCKING SHOOT YOU AND FUCKING KILL YOU”
trooper #01: “yeah, okay, that’s a bit much. time for a certain fairly-successful country music singer to get a baton shampoo.”
trooper #02: “wait… forget the beating. what if we strip him naked and book him that way, so that every story in the national media reports that he was taken into custody naked because he was crazy drunk and regular insane?”
trooper #01: “that’s hilarious, i’m in.”
Randy Travis: “…is it too late for me to apologize or offer you officers sex to forget the whole thing”
“Travis’ mug shot shows him with a black eye and cuts on his face. Wheeler said police didn’t know if the bruises were the result of the car accident or if he was like that before. “That’s just the way he was brought into our jail,” Wheeler said.
but then, this is Texas, so i’m guessing they just whipped his ass the second he started threatening them.
“The singer was arrested early last February in Sanger, Texas after a police officer discovered him drunk in his car with an open bottle of wine. He later blamed the incident on too much post-Super Bowl celebrating.”
i don’t understand this one either. were you at a party for the Super Bowl, started celebrating the Giants’ victory (note that i refuse to believe Travis is a Giants fan), got drunk and left in your car with a bottle of wine? hell, who’s drinking WINE to commemorate the Super Bowl?
okay, so that’s two arrests for Travis, who then IMMEDIATELY followed this latest one up with more insanity:
confusing fact: news stories for both of these events all claim this mugshot is specific to the event they talk about. but can this be true? do the cops ALWAYS photograph him like this?
“Country gospel singer Randy Travis has been hospitalized following a drunken fight in a church parking lot. This makes the third such incident Travis has been in since February, and raises questions of whether the legend needs professional help.”
let me be the one to answer this singular question: yes, fuck yes, get this man into rehab ASAP. but you know, i kind of like the fact that he hasn’t gotten professional help. usually when celebrities melt down, they get rushed into rehab and have the aftermath of their misdeeds carefully mismanaged… but then, this may be affected by the fact that the vicious divorce we mentioned involves an ex-wife who was ALSO his manager for about three decades.
“The Plano Police Department in Texas confirmed that Travis was taken into custody early this morning after receiving a tip about a fight in a church parking lot. According to Travis’ lawyer, a fight broke out between Travis’ fiancée and her estranged husband. Travis got involved in the dispute and violence ensued. Police charged Travis with simple assault, and officials have stated that he was the aggressor in the situation.”
first off, this “estranged husband” sounds classy as hell if he’s getting into a fight with his ex-wife/current-but-soon-to-be-ex-wife/whatever. i mean, okay, i don’t know what this “fight” consists of, but unless it’s her trying to slap and punch him while he blocks the punches and asks her to calm down, he’s officially getting sarcastically rated as one high-class dude. second, of all the places to fight, a church parking lot? some reverend can’t at least poke his head out the door and tell them to take that shit somewhere more appropriate?
third, it is weird to me that Travis can get involved in an ongoing fight and be labeled “the aggressor,” which makes me think this should have been labeled less a fight and more a “verbal conflict.”
“He was taken to the hospital for injuries sustained in the fight, and if his mug shot is any indication, Travis may have lost the battle.”
unless we’re talking about a guy who was recently in a single-car accident NAKED and shit-talked some Texas cops in the aftermath of said accident, in which case, who the hell knows WHAT the mugshot is telling us.
“This is the third incident in which Travis has been publicly intoxicated. In February, he was taken into custody after authorities found him disoriented and drunk, sitting in a church parking lot. Travis was charged with public intoxication after an open bottle was found in his vehicle. Then, earlier this month, Travis was arrested for Driving While Intoxicated (DWI). Police found him, completely nude, at the scene of a single-car accident. He also smelled of alcohol and made verbal threats against an arresting officer.”
let me just say it: he is officially a mess.
“It’s probably no coincidence that Travis has been arrested at churches. He is originally a country singer who crossed over into the gospel genre. Travis has starred in several Christian-themed films and TV shows such as “Touched by an Angel.””
wait, what? that doesn’t make any sense! just because you’ve made gospel music (and i totally don’t remember him crossing over into the gospel genre, although Wikipedia tells me that he crossed over from 1999 to the present, which i guess makes me something less than Randy Travis’ greatest fan) doesn’t mean you hang out and brawl outside of churches. in fact, shouldn’t your love of Jesus Christ as expressed through music indicate you’re someone LESS likely to brawl in ANY parking lot, let alone that of a church? i suppose there’s some jokes to be made here about the certain hypocrisy of those engaged in Christian-themed capitalist endeavors, but somehow i don’t think this article was reaching for that level of nuance.
also, excellent working in of “Touched By An Angel.” i still cannot believe that it ran for nine years OR that anyone would think of it first when thinking of Randy Travis, since it’s been off the air now about as long as it ran.
so that’s our week of mocking Randy Travis. i do hope he gets help… but if he’s not going to, i can’t wait to see how he tops these arrests.