this week, we make light of Randy Travis and his hilarious human failings, which involve alcohol

a lot of times, when there’s a news story about some dude going COMPLETELY insane, it’s some regular dude (often from Kentucky or Florida) and we’re able to have a “there but for the grace of god go i” moment that makes us realize we should be drinking less and/or keeping better oversight over our use of 911. 911 IS NOT A TOY, AMERICA. i think it goes without saying that the average celebrity can probably leverage their wealth and fame into dodging such situations, which makes their meltdowns all the more ridiculous (and satisfying, since, you know, fuck THEM for having all that success).

…which brings us to Randy Travis, who has apparently decided to go entirely out of his damn mind this year. okay, perhaps this has been building up for some time (Randy Travis and i are not exactly at the BFF level that would allow me to confirm this), but either way, hilarity for all those not directly involved in the situation has ensued.

sad, sad Randy Travis
and here you thought it was just rap music that had an at-times self-destructive obsession with “keeping it real”

Randy Travis naked during DWI arrest

“This has been one tough year for country singer Randy Travis. The singer is currently involved in a vicious divorce with his ex-wife, he has one arrest under is belt for public intoxication and he’s now adding another arrest, this time for DWI. Travis was arrested Tuesday night outside Tioga, Texas, for driving while intoxicated, a misdemeanor, and retaliation and obstruction, a felony.”

now obviously one’s personal life is never an excuse for crimes like DWIs, given their ability to affect the innocent (in so much as all people are innocent, let’s not get into a whole Maynard James Keenan digression about how everyone deserves to be driven over by Randy Travis), but i suppose that at least he has the explanation of “vicious divorce” to attempt to excuse his apparent decision to go into drunk-and-insane mode for the year 2012. that said, it sounds like the year has been even MORE difficult for those who patronize establishments that sell liquor on days when Randy Travis is there.

“State troopers responded to a call at 11:18 p.m. reporting a man lying on the road outside of the town of Tioga. Travis had been involved in a single-car accident, police said. They discovered Travis at the scene with a “strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on his breath and several signs of intoxication” and arrested him for DWI, according to the Grayson County Sheriff’s Office.”

and i am already disappointed in the reporting on this case (or the police report): why was Travis lying on the road? actually, strike that. note that someone called in a report of “a man lying on the road,” not a report of a single-car accident or ANY kind of car accident. this tells amateur detective janklow that either a) there was something especially notable about the way Travis was lying on the road (although i guess you’d pretty much say that about ANY random dude you spot lying on the road, as typically men don’t lie there for relaxation), or b) Travis had traveled some distance away from his car before lying in the road. the latter’s not THAT crazy if you think about it (i can supply an anecdote of a man running several miles after surviving a plane crash), but come on, clarify this for me!

yes, i acknowledge the witness who called it in might have seen Travis but, for some reason, NOT seen the evidence of the car crash. but i only thought of that after i burst into that heated paragraph!

“On the way to the station, Travis allegedly threatened to shoot and kill the troopers, which resulted in an additional charge of retaliation and obstruction.”

the lack of clarification on this is also frustrating. on the one hand, a drunk guy is prone to just yell some nonsense, but you’d think professional trained troopers would learn to just overlook that. “well, yeah, Mr. Travis said he was going to shoot and kill us, but then he also felt remorseful and stated he’d use his Jesus powers to bring us back to life and give us free dinosaurs.” so assuming that he was 100% Serious Business when it came to the death threat, what prompted it? the troopers getting him in guaranteed legal trouble? the trooper disturbing his middle-of-the-road rest period?

“Travis was brought to the station naked, though it’s unclear whether Travis was discovered naked or somehow disrobed later, Sgt. Ricky Wheeler of the Grayson County Sheriff’s Office told ABC News.”

while i know that he was probably just drunk and crazy to the extent that getting 100% naked seemed like a GREAT idea at the time, and that a less-likely but still solid possibility is that he was disrobing to evade capture and just took it too far (no comment on why this occurs to me), secretly, i hope this is how the cops got their revenge on him for the death threat.

Randy Travis: “YOU FUCKING PIGS I WAS TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP HERE BECAUSE I’M FUCKING TIRED I’LL FUCKING SHOOT YOU AND FUCKING KILL YOU”
trooper #01: “yeah, okay, that’s a bit much. time for a certain fairly-successful country music singer to get a baton shampoo.”
trooper #02: “wait… forget the beating. what if we strip him naked and book him that way, so that every story in the national media reports that he was taken into custody naked because he was crazy drunk and regular insane?”
trooper #01: “that’s hilarious, i’m in.”
Randy Travis: “…is it too late for me to apologize or offer you officers sex to forget the whole thing”

“Travis’ mug shot shows him with a black eye and cuts on his face. Wheeler said police didn’t know if the bruises were the result of the car accident or if he was like that before. “That’s just the way he was brought into our jail,” Wheeler said.

but then, this is Texas, so i’m guessing they just whipped his ass the second he started threatening them.

“The singer was arrested early last February in Sanger, Texas after a police officer discovered him drunk in his car with an open bottle of wine. He later blamed the incident on too much post-Super Bowl celebrating.”

i don’t understand this one either. were you at a party for the Super Bowl, started celebrating the Giants’ victory (note that i refuse to believe Travis is a Giants fan), got drunk and left in your car with a bottle of wine? hell, who’s drinking WINE to commemorate the Super Bowl?

okay, so that’s two arrests for Travis, who then IMMEDIATELY followed this latest one up with more insanity:

sad, sad Randy Travis
confusing fact: news stories for both of these events all claim this mugshot is specific to the event they talk about. but can this be true? do the cops ALWAYS photograph him like this?

Randy Travis in drunken fight at church

“Country gospel singer Randy Travis has been hospitalized following a drunken fight in a church parking lot. This makes the third such incident Travis has been in since February, and raises questions of whether the legend needs professional help.”

let me be the one to answer this singular question: yes, fuck yes, get this man into rehab ASAP. but you know, i kind of like the fact that he hasn’t gotten professional help. usually when celebrities melt down, they get rushed into rehab and have the aftermath of their misdeeds carefully mismanaged… but then, this may be affected by the fact that the vicious divorce we mentioned involves an ex-wife who was ALSO his manager for about three decades.

“The Plano Police Department in Texas confirmed that Travis was taken into custody early this morning after receiving a tip about a fight in a church parking lot. According to Travis’ lawyer, a fight broke out between Travis’ fiancée and her estranged husband. Travis got involved in the dispute and violence ensued. Police charged Travis with simple assault, and officials have stated that he was the aggressor in the situation.”

first off, this “estranged husband” sounds classy as hell if he’s getting into a fight with his ex-wife/current-but-soon-to-be-ex-wife/whatever. i mean, okay, i don’t know what this “fight” consists of, but unless it’s her trying to slap and punch him while he blocks the punches and asks her to calm down, he’s officially getting sarcastically rated as one high-class dude. second, of all the places to fight, a church parking lot? some reverend can’t at least poke his head out the door and tell them to take that shit somewhere more appropriate?

third, it is weird to me that Travis can get involved in an ongoing fight and be labeled “the aggressor,” which makes me think this should have been labeled less a fight and more a “verbal conflict.”

“He was taken to the hospital for injuries sustained in the fight, and if his mug shot is any indication, Travis may have lost the battle.”

unless we’re talking about a guy who was recently in a single-car accident NAKED and shit-talked some Texas cops in the aftermath of said accident, in which case, who the hell knows WHAT the mugshot is telling us.

“This is the third incident in which Travis has been publicly intoxicated. In February, he was taken into custody after authorities found him disoriented and drunk, sitting in a church parking lot. Travis was charged with public intoxication after an open bottle was found in his vehicle. Then, earlier this month, Travis was arrested for Driving While Intoxicated (DWI). Police found him, completely nude, at the scene of a single-car accident. He also smelled of alcohol and made verbal threats against an arresting officer.”

let me just say it: he is officially a mess.

“It’s probably no coincidence that Travis has been arrested at churches. He is originally a country singer who crossed over into the gospel genre. Travis has starred in several Christian-themed films and TV shows such as “Touched by an Angel.””

wait, what? that doesn’t make any sense! just because you’ve made gospel music (and i totally don’t remember him crossing over into the gospel genre, although Wikipedia tells me that he crossed over from 1999 to the present, which i guess makes me something less than Randy Travis’ greatest fan) doesn’t mean you hang out and brawl outside of churches. in fact, shouldn’t your love of Jesus Christ as expressed through music indicate you’re someone LESS likely to brawl in ANY parking lot, let alone that of a church? i suppose there’s some jokes to be made here about the certain hypocrisy of those engaged in Christian-themed capitalist endeavors, but somehow i don’t think this article was reaching for that level of nuance.

also, excellent working in of “Touched By An Angel.” i still cannot believe that it ran for nine years OR that anyone would think of it first when thinking of Randy Travis, since it’s been off the air now about as long as it ran.

so that’s our week of mocking Randy Travis. i do hope he gets help… but if he’s not going to, i can’t wait to see how he tops these arrests.

in which i steal Bruce McCullough’s idea and relate it to this guy with the saddest pair of sweatpants in America

recently, because i live the kind of turbo-cool lifestyle i need to post about on the internet the MOMENT it happens, i did this thing where i saw something colorful happen (a ridiculous individual who was INCREDIBLY excited about his awkward scooter), posted mockingly about it on the internet (go go social networking, the gift that keeps on giving, if by giving you mean “this shit has never done anything of consequence for us), and THEN proceeded to do the “Bruce McCullough’s idea” thing with the event. it was sort of a cross between an actual update and something i spent 13 seconds crafting on Facebook to get some cheap laughs (and it at least got a couple), and frankly, while i am not that proud of it … eh, it’s an update. i think it worked out okay.

…and so i’ve decided to do the exact same thing: sad observation followed by salty internet observation followed by the “Bruce McCullough’s idea” thing. it can only get old if someone reads it and decides to tell me it’s gotten old. and this will never happen!

and now, janklow with an open letter to the sweatpants-wearing gentleman i witnessed making fun of an outfit worn by a random woman he worked with.

someone's sweatpants, i guess
fuck you, sweatpants, fuck you

well, why did you do it? are you some sort of jerk or something? do you not comprehend the contradiction between looking like a ridiculous mess and calling someone else out for dressing like a ridiculous mess? did you think your awful attempt at comedy was worth making such a contradiction come to pass in a world where we ought to place some value on logic and reason?

so basically, if i can lay out the background for this rant, what happened was that our hero overheard a large man in an office setting begin to make fun of the outfit being worn by a female co-worker of his. in my humble opinion, this situation raises a series of problems.

I. the issue of being so fucking loud
granted, i have been identified as “too sensitive” on occasion by an old lady who is usually very nice and kind, but who is clearly wrong and maybe a jerk on this point where i am being called too sensitive, because to hell with THAT. however, either way, i view it like this: even IF i am too sensitive, there’s a point where i think one should note their behavior is inappropriate in an office. this joke-making man, however, believes that every conversation he has should take place at a maximum volume, including the one where he’s making fun of how a woman is dressed.

now, let’s say this was all 100% joke: don’t you think it sounds different to walk up to a lady’s work area and, at a volume correct for one-on-one conversations, playfully tease her about her apparel choices, as opposed to screaming about them so loudly that someone like, say, your narrator can hear the whole exchange fifty feet away even though he has NOTHING to do with this matter? because the former implies a friendly relationship, whereas the latter is basically you being a giant bully… and this is presuming you’re actually just a loud-as-hell friend and not a jerk. and then…

II. the issue of looking and dressing like a disgrace
leaving aside the issue of volume, if one is going to start mocking a woman’s outfit out of nowhere (let us note that this classy gent approached the woman and launched immediately into his joke-making), i would hope that person would at LEAST not be a disgrace of a man whose idea of a classy outfit is a tastefully-soiled t-shirt tucked into a pair of sweatpants that can be charitably described as “inadvertently skin-tight” or perhaps “threatening to dissolve completely,” both of which seem to be the result of one’s body being composed of what appears to be some kind of Lovecraftian horror, or maybe a whole lot of sausage. or maybe a whole lot of horrifying Lovecraftian sausage? (the latter part of this paragraph is verbatim what i used before because, hey, should you tamper with perfection?)

now, to be fair, you can dress like a bum or Chechen warlord (guilty on both counts, i think) and still recognize that someone else is dressed poorly, just like you can be in terrible shape and note that someone else is as well. but typically, the 600-pound man realizes he’s not in a position to walk up to a 500-pound man and start ripping on him for being chubby. so when your clothes look like they’re being tortured for their past sins (to whatever extent someone’s clothes can have sins, i guess), you should MAYBE resist the urge to bash clothes being worn by someone else for being ill-fitting. didn’t you notice that situation in the mirror that morning?

III. the issue of randomly mocking the way ladies dress at all
in short, it’s pretty much lame to be doing this, no matter what. okay, okay, there are always going to be woman who are dressing in ways they absolutely should NOT be, and it’s pretty likely that i will violate my “LEAVE THOSE WOMEN ALONE” policy by mocking the hell out of those women. so perhaps the lesson is more along the lines of “if you’re going to do this, actually be funny.” because honestly, the greatest crime committed by those making lame jokes is that of not being funny.

if everyone was really looking forward to a severe breakdown of a Rosie O’Donnell blog post, dreams are about to come true

one of these days, i’m going to do an “updates i am most proud of” listicle in order to crank out an update without having to do NEW work: it’s going to be a cheap clip show of a move, but it’ll also probably be dominated by the really random updates that have come out of nowhere: as a teaser, i would probably throw Frank Vincent: possibly a vampire?, here’s a gem, here’s a dragon, now the dragon’s dead, now your iron deficiency’s cured, OKAY, and kanye west’s best production, volume two: now with 100% more over-the-top emotion on the list, for various reasons, all of them crazy.

and that brings us to today’s update: the one about the time where i read a Rosie O’Donnell blog post (for some reason) about her helping an enormous woman and then having a heart attack (you may be finding large portions of this unsurprising) and then just started riffing and be-bopping and scatting (not to mention losing it) all over it. let us begin!

Rosie O'Donnell
is this Rosie O’Donnell, celebrity comedienne, or “an enormous woman struggling to get out of her car?” YOU DECIDE

Rosie O’Donnell unsurprisingly suffers a heart attack

now, let me be fair: i don’t mean that in the most mean-spirited way possible, even though, to be perfectly frank, when i think back upon all the kindness that i have attempted, i recall always being punished for them. anyway, anyway, let’s focus: what i’m saying is that if Rosie O’Donnell WAS going to die and/or suffer an ailment, doesn’t “heart attack” seem pretty likely? there you. now., the thing is, to get into this, we have to suffer through the ABSURD way she writes on her blog. and really, who writes on a fucking blog anymore? compose yourself dear readers/reader/absent space representative only of my enduring disappointment in humanity, here we go:

“my heart attack
August 20, 2012

its a semi-sunny monday
the light bouncing off the flat hudson
mish is sitting next to me
i am happy to be alive”

COMPOSE YOURSELVES! WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS IF EVERYONE WILL FUCKING FOCUS AND NO ONE PANICS.
(also, if it makes this work better, picture me as General Woundwort screaming to come back, you fools, dogs aren’t dangerous, come back and fight!)

“last week i had a heart attack
here is what happened
on tuesday morning
while walking in a parking lot in nyack”

so far there’s absolutely nothing surprising about this, but let’s be honest, i’ve driving this “Rosie O’Donnell is heavy and thus prone to be victimized by a heart attack” thing into the ground already, and we’ve barely gotten started. CONTINUING.

“i heard a loud commanding voice
“can u help me”
more of a demand than request
a challenge – a plea”

we’re all over the map on this one, Rosie. i SUPPOSE we’re trying to convey the mixture of the ‘demand’ and the ‘plea’ at the same time, and in absolute fairness, “can you help me” reads as thoroughly plaintive, but could obviously sound a little different. but look, i can only work with what she gives me and i find it ridiculous to try and smash together that plea with that description. i just won’t do it!

“i turned and saw an enormous woman
struggling to get out of her car”

i am absolutely TORN here between a) pointing out the unmitigated gall of Rosie O’Donnell to call any other woman enormous, b) acknowledging that given Rosie’s size, this may be a fair description of a truly titan-sized woman struggling to get out of a car, and c) making the easy joke about this part of the story being a misunderstanding where Rosie caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror of some sort. the last is the most childish, and so it’s what i would normally prefer.

in fact, we could use it to go into a whole fictionalized scenario where Rosie sees this “enormous woman” is ALSO eating a giant ham sandwich, and even though she herself is eating her own giant ham sandwich, she insists on attempting to also have the giant ham sandwich belonging to the “enormous woman,” causing both sandwiches to be lost forever in the water somehow. and see, even though i was being very childish, we have all learned a valuable lesson not borrowed from Aesop at all!

“she was stuck”

this… this is a thing that happens to enormous people and it’s always shamefully funny. and that’s a sincere acknowledgment that i will ALWAYS feel guilty about laughing at an enormous person stuck somewhere (say, in their car) and i will still always fail to not laugh about it. to quote Malice back when he was Malice and not this current No Malice situation, that’s how i, janklow, know that i ain’t shit. i’ve never sold drugs in Virginia, so i have to find my own situations to apply his lyrics to, you see.

“”can u help me? she asked again
as i walked toward her
“oh u r rosie odonnell”
yes i am”

i suppose one of the nice things about being as distinctive a celebrity as Rosie O’Donnell is that you never, NEVER get mistaken for another celebrity and have that awkward moment where you’re trying to explain who you actually are: you’re a little offended that you’ve been mistaken for someone else, possibly more so if that celebrity is worse at what they do than you are; you don’t want to come off as egotistical by pointing out and inadvertently praising your own work, yet have no better way to clarify your identity; and you’re forced to explain something to someone whose existence is SO close to meaningless and thus waste your precious time. it’s just a mess all around!

…and to be frank, that’s not heavy sarcasm, i am actually arguing that the average dude’s life is essentially meaningless compared to even low-grade flash-in-the-pan C-list celebrities. let me use myself as an example: i’ve certainly done little things that were good or meaningful or constructive in my small scale way, or at least, i’d like to think i have. and soon, i will die and no one will give a shit about me or anything i have ever done. EVER. meanwhile, Rebecca Black will always have a slight footnote somewhere for all that “Friday.” i’m not bitter; this is how it goes.

“the ghost of christmas future
me – if i did not wake
there r no accidents i thought
as i braced myself and lifted her”

i just have no idea what’s supposed to be going on here up until the part about her bracing herself and SUPPOSEDLY lifting this enormous woman. maybe it’s late and i’m tired; maybe i’m being deliberately obtuse: either way, i don’t understand this nonsense at all.

“it was not easy
but together we did it
she was up and on her way
with gratitude”

oh, so we go from Rosie lifting this enormous woman to teamwork? i sense some flaws in this narrative. picture my reaction to this remark in the following manner: it’s Sopranos season two, episode thirteen, “Funhouse.” we’re on the ‘new boat,” in this scenario, i’m Tony and Rosie is Big Pussy (this where i digress and scream “DON’T LAUGH” in your face in the manner of Jack Nicholson in the Departed; we’re not really going for that joke); Rosie’s “lifting this enormous woman” story is Big Pussy’s “giving this hot Puerto Rican girl cunnilingus” story. we all laugh along, supposed good times… and then i turn cold. “this enormous woman, Rosie … did she even fucking exist?”

ah… such an unnecessary level of unoriginal imagery!

“a few hours later my body hurt
i had an ache in my chest
both my arms were sore
everything felt bruised”

to be honest, i bet i would feel that way myself if i helped an enormous woman get unstuck from a car, and i’m not even a 50-year-old comedienne in poor physical shape. so nothing about this really seems odd, you know?

“muscular – i thought
strained or pulled tissue
i went about my day
the pain persisted”

…and Rosie agrees with me! WE BRIEFLY ACHIEVE MOTHERFUCKING SYNCHRONICITY. wait, no we don’t, that’s a completely unrelated philosophical concept! but doesn’t it sound like it’s the right term? would anyone know it wasn’t if i hadn’t pointed this out? well, okay, for that to happen, someone would have to be reading this, which seems unlikely, i admit. let’s just keep it moving.

“i became nauseous
my skin was clammy
i was very very hot
i threw up”

cheap joke alert: this is, word for word, a description of how i felt when i was picturing a sweaty Rosie O’Donnell struggling mightily with unsticking an enormous woman from her car. okay, not really, but i just have a need to get every piece of low-hanging comedy fruit today.

“maybe this is a heart attack
i googled womens heart attack symptoms
i had many of them
but really? – i thought – naaaa”

see, and here’s the thing: most anyone can have a heart attack, even if you’re young, even if you’re in shape. but if you’re fifty and overweight? and financially secure enough and with flexible enough time that a trip to the doctor, even if it results in somewhat expensive testing, wouldn’t really be an imposition? come the fuck on, Rosie, this was just ridiculous.

“i took some bayer aspirin
thank god
saved by a tv commercial
literally”

i know what she means when she says “literally,” i really, really do: that the ONLY reason she took the aspirin was that she’d seen the ad, and she wouldn’t have taken the aspirin if it wasn’t for the ad, so the ad saved her. i get it! but the aspirin is what literally saved you, Rosie, THE BAYER ASPIRIN! even if it makes me an asshole to argue this point –and we can just go ahead and assume that it does, because there is absolutely no reason not to do so– i don’t fucking care. i don’t care! what’s the percentage in not being an asshole about this? can’t you let me go to hell the way i want to?

“i did not call 911
50% of women having heart attacks never call 911
200,000 women die of heart attacks
every year in the US”

well, those statistics are certainly something… but then people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Rosie. 14% of all people know that.

“by some miracle i was not one of them
the next day i went to a cardiologist
the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital
where a stent was put in
my LAD was 99% blocked
they call this type of heart attack
the Widow maker
i am lucky to be here”

…which further proves my point about this whole “Rosie O’Donnell pops into the doctor’s office not being a big fucking deal for her” thing that i was talking about earlier, especially since she gives us no indication as to WHY she suddenly decided to go to said doctor.

“know the symptoms ladies
listen to the voice inside
the one we all so easily ignore
CALL 911
save urself”

honestly, i think this ham-fisted closing kind of kills the serious, sincere vibe we had going on. that said, i think i’ve decided to try and turn “know the symptoms, ladies” into my new catchphrase somehow. i mean, i have no idea how i’m going to do this, but let’s see if we can make it happen, okay? okay. and that will do it for this week.

massive bear-style footprints: not enough proof that bears did something here. better look for excrement to inspect!

despite the fact that it’s well-known i love to obsess about bears around here, it’s been a minute since we actually had an honest-to-god BEAR STORY getting mocked. for some time now we’ve been coasting on the fumes of our once-great bear-themed exploits, and frankly, that’s a little sad. so this week, i’ve decided to cull some bear-related events from the news media to discuss. and by “decided to,” i clearly mean, “i noticed these random events happened recently, so now here we are.”

criminal bear wants all the chocolates
admittedly not the BEST picture, but what we have here appears to be a black bear breaking into… uh… Mars, maybe

Bear With Sweet Tooth Breaks Into Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory In Estes Park

let me just start this off by pointing out that i don’t think this bear committed this crime because it had a “sweet tooth.” it stole candy because it’s a damn bear and bears do what they want. wait… i guess the “sweet tooth” part has to do with the bear not breaking into a steak store and eating steaks? well, okay, let’s see what’s up with the actual article:

“Everyone knows that bears like to raid campers’ picnic baskets when they get hungry, but who knew they also occasionally get a hankering for delicious chocolates? That’s just what one young black bear was craving in Estes Park last week.”

again, EVERYONE should know this. you know how park rangers are always telling you to safeguard anything edible and even your tasty-smelling trash? this has something to do with the fact that bears (and other animals, fine) will eat pretty much ANYTHING that smells appealing that they have access to. plus, let’s be honest: the adjective makes this pose the odd question of “who knew bears hankered for something delicious?” as if they just eat tree bark and stones the rest of the time.

“Jo Adams, a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory owner in Estes Park, came into work one morning to find some chocolates out of place, a candy tin on the floor and a bit of dirt on top of her checkout counter and thought that perhaps a squirrel had broken into the shop overnight, according to Estes Park News.”

now, okay, i agree that squirrels are crazy as hell and will take advantage of any kindness you show them. but breaking into a shop? this seems like it MIGHT be beyond the powers of a mere random squirrel.

“But when Adams called her son Eric to come in and help clean up the shop before she opened, they couldn’t find any critters so Adams, who recently installed security cameras, took a look at the video. What she found was definitely not a squirrel, instead she watched a “shadowy” black bear wandering around the chocolate shop having the time of his life.”

is it weird that they looked for “critters” that might have still been hiding in the shop before, you know, viewing the security cameras? because i think it’s weird. maybe they live in a really nice area (i am not that familiar with Estes Park), but the first thing i would have asked myself when i found my candy store soiled was “did a stupid kid maybe sneak in here? i’d better watch that security video.”

“In the surveillance video above, the bear is seen opening the store’s front door with claws, propping it open, meandering into the store and taking a look around at all the sweets he could eat. The sweet-toothed bear would grab a mouthful of candy and walk it outside where he’d eat it up only to come back in for more and more helpings. 7News reports that the bear made seven trips outside to eat the chocolatey delights during his twenty minute raid.”

i don’t know what’s better about this: the way this bear is initially looking around this shop with restrained glee, similar to a dog that KNOWS he’s not supposed to have these tasty pork chops you left where he can get to them but OH MAN PORK CHOPS, or the fact that this bear ate smallish amounts of candy, left, and then returned to eat more like an overweight woman torn between her acknowledgement that she shouldn’t eat such a large amount of candy but OH MAN CHOCOLATE.

“According to Estes Park News, the bear’s favorite treats were chocolate covered Rice Krispie Treats, peanut butter cups, the store’s special “Balls of Joy,” English Toffee and — wait for it — giant chocolate covered cookies called “Cookie Bears.” Naturally.”

i appreciate the bear’s sense of either irony or devotion to the overall bear concept, but i am a little disturbed by any food product named “Balls of Joy.”

“The shop did open back up after several hours of cleaning and disinfecting the shop, ABC15 reports. Surprisingly, Adams business has boomed since the bear break-in, according to 7News. A number of customers come in just to order what the bear devoured.”

“The lock on the store’s front door was reportedly faulty which allowed the hungry bear to slip his paw inside, 9News reports. However, the locks were replaced the next day and muddy footprints were found outside the shop indicating that the bear may have come back for seconds.”

see, i get what they’re trying to say, but it seems to me that in the face of any sizable bear trying to pry his way into your candy shop, ALL locks not backed up by a dude with a rifle (or whatever Russian dude managed to kill a bear with a .25 ACP gun according to this very random article i read about bear incidents in Russia) might prove to be faulty.

alcoholic bear wants all the beers
moral of the story: just leave your beer out where bears can access it without having to smash everything up

bears in beer-fuelled Norway cabin break in

“A family of bears is suspected of having broken into a cabin in northern Norway and polished off over a hundred cans of beer. “They had a hell of a party in there,” cabin owner Even Borthen Nilsen told NRK. “The cabin has the stench of a right old piss up, trash, and bears.””

which does pose the question of which is the most objectionable smell: urine, trash or bears? while i have not smelled a LOT of bears, i have to suspect that if your cabin was filled with spilled beer and spoiled trash, both of which had been sitting out for a while, the first thing you would smell would not be “those ridiculous bears.” but then again, like i said, i have not smelled a lot of bears, and maybe Norwegian bears smell INCREDIBLY objectionable?

“The bear, and three cubs, are reported to have forced their way into the cabin by ripping a wall off. “The entire cabin was destroyed,” Nilsen told the local Finnmarken.”

despite the hyperbole inherent in the remark “the entire cabin was destroyed,” let me just say this: now THAT is how you break and enter a building in search of the delicious treats those filthy human insist on keeping away from you, American bears who are apparently forced to resort to prying open faulty locks. did you forget the power that comes with being bears? you tear open walls and drink all the beer you want!

“Nilsen told of how his mother and grandmother were the first to discover the carnage left by the beer-thirsty bears, when they arrived at the cabin in Jarfjord in Finnmarken only to find the place turned over. “The beds and all kitchen appliances, stove, oven and cupboards and shelves were all smashed to pieces,” he said.”

okay… so maybe now i understand what he means when he says the entire cabin was destroyed. my apologies, Norwegian man who is presumably real, even if he lives in a place with a name like Jarfjord, which will always sound like the name of some magical elf village. still, the CABIN is standing, right? it’s not COMPLETELY destroyed, right? just all the stuff inside it? okay, now i am undermining my totally sincere apology, so i’d better just keep it moving.

“And furthermore the bears had finished off all the food and drink in the house – including all the marshmallows, chocolate spread, honey and over 100 cans of beer.”

i know they said “including,” but is all these Norwegians keep in their cabins marshmallows, chocolate spread, honey and beer? because i am totally fine with this, i just want to make sure that’s accurate before i start thinking of Norway as a magical land of adventure filled with bears and cabins, where everyone eats like they’re eight years old.

“Nilsen explained that excrement on the outside of the cabin left him in no doubt that it was a family of bears which had taken over his cabin for night of feasting and drunken revelry. “You can see footprints on the windows,” he said.”

okay, so can you tell because of the excrement or the MASSIVE BEAR-STYLE FOOTPRINTS? because i’m picturing a Norwegian carefully examining random excrement piles in the yard next to a bear-smashed cabin before declaring, “this doesn’t look like a human did it” … even though i am not really sure what else tears off a wall, eats a giant pile of honey and beers, and rolls out. seems like bears is the only reasonable answer, with a tiny exception being left for any magical Norwegian yetis that i have yet to hear tell of.

…and that’s basically all the bear-related news i could drum up for now. i’m sorry if that makes for an unsatisfyingly short update this week, but, eh, so it goes.

some men are lathered in Crisco and carrying shorts filled with methamphetamine, others just make fun of it on the internet

ah, another overdue update, another batch of news stories that involve people making poor life decisions. that’s such a succinct and beautiful introduction that i don’t think my rambling can help it at all. to the stories!

Lowell Turpin
all the below being said, i do think ‘Lowell Turpin’ is a cool ‘Southern guy’ name

jealous Tennessee man allegedly smacks around his girlfriend

to be fair, this article ACTUALLY has a title with a length worthy of a Fiona Apple album: “jealous Tennessee man allegedly smacks around his girlfriend because she had a pic of another guy on her Facebook page – but it was Mitt Romney.” frankly, while i understand wanting to capture the meat of the article in the title, this seems excessive. wouldn’t “Tennessee man mistakes Mitt Romney for girlfriend’s lover, smacks her” have sufficed? although i suppose the part about “mistakes Mitt Romney for girlfriend’s lover” DOES make it seem like there’s a Mitt Romney lookalike (or perhaps Romney himself) roaming the hills of Tennessee, banging random dudes’ girlfriends, which is probably untrue, at least regarding Romney himself. PROBABLY. anyway, there’s a story:

“Mitt Romney should campaign more in Tennessee: a jealous resident of the Volunteer State confronted his girlfriend over a picture of a man on her Facebook page — and had no idea it was the GOP presidential candidate.”

now, i respect the effort at starting off this serious story about domestic abuse with lighthearted comedy, but let’s be honest: Mitt Romney could be campaigning in Tennessee every day of every week and it’s still unlikely that this gigantic piece of white trash (gigantic in both the literal AND figurative sense, to be clear) would pay enough attention to national politics to know who he was. plus, the story doesn’t cover it, but i ALWAYS assume the guys going ridiculously berserk in the South are filled with alcohol.

“Lowell Turpin, 40, was arrested on suspicion of domestic assault last week following a violent confrontation with his live-in girlfriend over what he thought was a pic of a romantic rival on her Facebook page, police said. The apparently news-blind boyfriend from Clinton, Tenn., “angrily demanded to know who the male was” — totally unaware that the man with the graying hair was the Republican presidential nominee, an incident report from the Anderson County Sheriff’s Department noted.”

now to be fair, perhaps he ISN’T news-blind but still happens to view the silver fox known as Mitt Romney as a romantic rival? maybe his girlfriend will see Romney, and start volunteering with Romney’s local campaign, and then the next thing you know, she’s being whisked away by all that rich Mormon money to live a life of sin (or at least sin compared to god-fearing American non-Mormon Christian living) alongside Romney? this theory is of course immediately undermined by the part where he demands to know who the guy is, but still.

“Still suspicious after his girlfriend denied an affair, Turpin accused the woman of “attempting to communicate with friends through her Facebook account.” He ripped the laptop out of her hands, smashed it against a wall and smacked her in the face with a closed fist, police said. The victim suffered an injured wrist and busted lower lip, police said.”

apparently this guy should also be charged with “not really understanding what Facebook is or how it works.”

“”The report says nothing about the suspect being a Democrat,” Chief Deputy Mark Lucas told the Daily News. “”I think this was just because he was male.””

now THAT is how you make a lighthearted comedic remark in the face of serious story about domestic abuse. frankly, the fact that this guy had no idea who Romney is might be proving to be the LEAST excellent explanation for this story.

“Turpin, who is 5’8” and 320 pounds-“

okay, maybe not GIGANTIC, but still white trash.

“-was booked into Anderson County Jail in lieu of $1,000 bond, jail records show. The woman said Turpin had struck her “multiple times over several years,” according to the report. Police said Turpin had no prior arrests for domestic violence.”

and now it’s just 99.9% depressing (not 100%, because i can’t forget the good times we had with this story before this information was developed). ladies, look, if you don’t feel comfortable reporting a guy who’s struck you “multiple times over several years,” could you at LEAST just fucking shoot them and keep it moving? thanks in advance.

Pastor Richard Robinson
i don’t know if i approve of this “crazy hippie” look in my local preachers, but i guess it helps explain why he didn’t shoot these home invaders

warrant: neighbors invade home with guns, knives

“A local pastor said he talked two home invaders into surrendering their weapons and waiting for police while he prayed in a hallway. What made the incident even more alarming was that the invaders were Pastor Richard Robinson’s neighbors and former church members. Donna Jean Walls, 49, and Phillip Dwayne Walls, 50, of 5116 Southbrook Drive, Kings Mountain, are accused of arming themselves with handguns and knives and barging into the home of their neighbors, Richard and Debra Robinson, around 6:30 p.m. Monday.”

it DOES make me wonder how you expect to get away with robbing someone when they’re both your neighbor AND your former pastor. although i figure that 49-50 is a little old to be getting into the criminal game of “poorly-planned robberies designed to acquire small amounts of cash for the purposes of DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS,” so maybe it’s fair to say they’re embracing the learning curve right now.

“Phillip and Donna Jean Walls have a history of synthetic drug use, according to Sgt. Talmadge McInnis with Gaston County Police Department. Other officers also have had previous calls about the couple. “They were aware of these people using bath salts,” he said, adding that the Walls’ address was beginning to be one recognized by police.”

oh, a history of “synthetic drug use” (i figure they mean “bath salts” as opposed to what we consider “real drugs,” but it’s not like bath salts are more “synthetic” than, say, methamphetamine) to the extent that the local police are aware of your drug use and beginning to recognize your address. well, i guess this isn’t so much a beginner-at-crimes problem as it is a idiots-on-drugs problem.

“Here’s how the Robinsons describe the situation that unfolded in their home on Monday: Debra Robinson said her son-in-law talked on the phone with Phillip Walls, who repeated her husband’s name over and over. Soon after, the Robinsons received a call from their son-in-law cautioning them that something wasn’t right. Debra Robinson said it crossed her mind the Walls could be coming near but they didn’t know for sure. Minutes later, Richard Robinson said he opened the front door to look out, and the Wallses barged in with handguns and knives.”

so i have to ask, in the hopes that this gets clarified SOMEWHERE down the line: why exactly was the victims’ son-in-law talking on the phone to these crazy bath-salt-filled perpetrators MINUTES before the crime?

“Phillip Walls was armed with a silver Taurus .44-caliber revolver and a green military bag with several more firearms and a knife, according to arrest warrants. Donna Jean Walls was reportedly armed with a Springfield Armory 9 mm pistol. Debra Robinson said Donna Jean Walls waved the handgun around in the air vigorously. Phillip Walls is also accused of holding the firearm in the air, according to arrest warrants.”

because clearly you’ll need a knife when you have a bag filled with firearms! that said, i guess i don’t know what the theory of the crime was to be, but i DO know this: crazy people always seem to feel a need to bring every gun ever to their crimes, no matter how unnecessary those guns are. we need some scientists to look into this. also, “also accused of holding the firearm in the air?” what the fuck kind of charge is this? and which firearm? time to step your writing game up, Gaston Gazette.

“Richard Robinson said the Wallses were hallucinating, under the impression that someone was under their home trying to kill them. Debra Robinson said the couple was prepared to gun down anyone who walked through the front door of her own home after they barged in. When they reportedly barged into the home, the Wallses were also toting a duffel bag with jewelry, guns and wigs inside, Debra Robinson said.”

okay, the wigs-related part of this is still pretty insane either way. but despite the fact that the Wallses TECHNICALLY meet the standard for “home invaders,” is that the best way to identify them when they’re hallucinating crazy people fearing for their OWN safety, they let your wife just run off and they don’t rob or assault you? i feel completely fooled by this story at this point.

“Before the alleged home invasion, Donna Jean Walls discharged a gun approximately seven times, according to a warrant affidavit. Debra Robinson said the random firing of the gun unfolded outside as Robinson chased dogs around in the road and through a neighbor’s yard. Sgt. McInnis said she rolled around in a yard with the gun and dogs; the shots weren’t really aimed at or intended for anything. “Trying to make sense of what they’re doing is virtually impossible,” he said.”

looks like we’re 2-for-2 for “excellent Southern cop remarks” in this update.

“[The Wallses] were each charged with going armed to the terror of the people and breaking and entering. Donna Jean Walls faces an additional charge of discharging a firearm within 500 feet of a residence that is not her property, a Gaston County ordinance, according to arrest warrants.”

“going armed to the terror of the people?” what the hell kind of offense is this? seriously, these charges shouldn’t be so hard to comprehend, or else they shouldn’t be so incredibly specific. i don’t know if that’s a North Carolina thing or what, but either way, i find it unacceptable and i call upon the voters and/or legislature down there to rectify this IMMEDIATELY.

Chad William Forber
i like that even after his apprehension, he still appears to be giving the police photographer a come-hither look
RI police arrest man found naked and covered in Crisco

“Rock Island police arrested a man found naked and covered in cooking spray early Monday in the downtown area.”

is the most surprising start of this story -which cuts right to the chase admirably- a) that it involves a man found naked and covered in cooking spray or b) that this is happening in Rhode Island, and not a random Southern state? because i actually think it’s option b, although i say this admitting that i get a LOT of mileage out of ripping on whatever Southern state is fully embracing the crazy this week. Rhode Island? aside from that whole Curt Schilling video game company debacle, there really isn’t anything funny about Rhode Island at all.

“Officers responded to the call of a naked man at 3:27 a.m. in the 2200 block of 3rd Avenue, where they found him carrying a pair of shorts. Rock Island Deputy Chief of Police Jeff VenHuizen said the man, Chad William Forber, 41, of Blue Grass, told officers he had taken off his shorts because they were too big and would not stay on.”

which i SUPPOSE raises the question of why one only realizes that your shorts are too large AFTER you’ve arrived in the downtown area. not to mention, of course, the question of where your shoes and shirt are, because while shorts are important, it’s not like you’re going to get service without either of those, right?

“”He said he had been dropped off somewhere on 11th Street and that he had walked to the area where he was apprehended,” VenHuizen said. “He had lathered himself up in Crisco. He was covered in grease, and was holding the can under his arm. He said he was looking for a place to party.””

honestly, at least he’s got an explanation for it, and it’s not one of those cases where the police have found him wandering the streets covering in whatever random kitchen-themed lubricant he had that day, taken him into custody, and found his explanation to be, “i have no idea what i was doing out here. and what do you mean, lathered myself in Crisco?” i tend to prefer my CRAZY people to have motivations they can explain.

“When officers searched the man’s shorts, they seized a quantity of drugs they suspected were methamphetamine.”

well, there’s also that. never mind the talk about looking for a party.

“Rock Island County prosecutors have charged Forber with possession of less than five grams of methamphetamine, a Class 3 Felony under Illinois law that carries a prison sentence of two to five years. Forber also is charged with resisting a peace officer and possession of drug paraphernalia, both Class A misdemeanors that carry a jail sentence of up to one year. A charge of lewd exposure was dismissed.”

okay, Serious Conclusion: resisting a peace officer? based on what this article claims, this naked greased-up dude was compliant (if high as hell and naked as hell), so where the hell did that come from? MYSTERIOUS.