the update in which Dayton Callie beating a man senseless in a Western television program best expresses my feelings of sadness and rage

actually, let me start this a different way:

so my mother is one of these middle-aged ladies who’s getting more into football as she gets older; i’m not EXACTLY sure how this happens, but it happened to my grandmother, so maybe there’s some genetic thing at work there. anyway, there’s always something here or there that she doesn’t quite grasp because this fandom is more recent; this week, as she’s a Washington fan who just watched some Falcons attempt to crush RG3’s skull like an egg and then seem PLEASED about it afterwards, she wanted me to explain if they REALLY wanted to hurt RG3 and if they REALLY meant it when they implied they wanted to. the answer, of course, is a bit of a grey area as i see it, but it did make me realize one thing: i fucking hate Tony Siragusa.

if there is any justice in the universe, he’ll get that finger caught in a garbage disposal

now, this is PROBABLY pretty predictable: i’m a Raiders fan, Tony Siragusa is a terrible human being that knocked Rich Gannon out of the AFC Championship game and thus out of the playoffs/Super Bowl contention during that last magical phase (so many years gone at this point) when the Raiders had a REALLY GOOD TEAM. during that time, however, we got fucked by Bill Callahan being a terrible human being who i would fight on sight, we got fucked by the Tuck Rule, and we got fucked by Tony Siragusa. don’t get me wrong, i don’t want to be one of those fans who’s crying about a good time in our history, as that can be oh so insufferable, but let me just say, if you couldn’t tell, that all of those things make me flip the hell out. especially Tony Siragusa.

so what brought this up again? well, perhaps this Deadspin piece, pleasing titled “Tony Siragusa Says He Never Wanted To Hurt Anyone. Tony Siragusa Is A Liar.” i don’t want to be redundant, because the article makes all the points i would like to (and probably better, go read it), but let me just reiterate the main points:

01. Tony Siragusa was on Howard Stern, promoting his new book
presumably written by someone else, of course, because between his television act of being a stereotypically crude man and what i believe to be his ACTUAL persona of “raging idiot who is exactly like his television persona, only not as bright,” there’s basically no way he wrote the book himself. but hell, what athlete actually does, am i right?

02. Tony Siragusa claimed “”You don’t mess with guys’ livelihoods,” he said. “You don’t go out and say, ‘Listen, we’re going to try to hurt this guy.’ Like, you know. You don’t play the game of football to try and hurt somebody.””
which, let’s be honest, sounds like a contradiction based on the way he played AND the way he acted after incidents like the one where he, say, hit Rich Gannon cheaply and injured him, and then got pissed off when people criticized him for it. now, okay, i grant you that men can change their minds once they stop playing and gain a little perspective. but usually what happens is they realize how shitty their actions were and express it in a way where they recognize what they did WAS wrong, and that they think differently now. claiming you’ve always been about the clean, injury-free play is something else entirely.

also, please note also that his inability to express even strategic false remorse (something like “you hate to see a guy injured like that”) after a circumstance like that injury makes it clear that he’s a raging idiot AND a shitty human being.

yeah, this image really makes me want to cry

03. we watch the video of Rich Gannon getting injured by Tony Siragusa
i could not find a great video of this to link, so again, the Deadspin article has the video embedded, i recommend you check it out.

04. Howard Stern presses Siragusa on this issue, Siragusa contradicts himself shamelessly

“When you go in and take out a quarterback, you’re doing everything you can to slam that motherfucker as hard as you can,” Stern said.
“Oh, yeah, absolute—I mean, you want to go,” Siragusa said. “Do you want to hurt him? Noo.
“Like when I hit Rich Gannon in the AFC championship game against the Raiders, and I, you know, and, I, you know, whatever, hurt his shoulder, dislocated, whatever, whatever it was.”
…”You weren’t happy about it,” Stern said.
“I wasn’t, like, trying to hurt the guy,” Siragusa said. “Yeah, did I want him to know that I was there? Yeah. Did I want to get him out of the game? Yeah. Did I want to hurt him? No.”

so let me see if i understand this: Siragusa DID want Gannon to “know he was there,” something that has to translate to “i wanted to hit Gannon hard and painfully,” because it’s not like you could miss that 342-pound turd on the Ravens defensive line, and Siragusa DID want to “get [Gannon] out of the game,” something that can only be accomplished by a) making him play so badly that he got pulled (unlikely, as Gannon was the fucking man during this era) or b) injuring him, probably with some kind of cheap shot (likely, as this is exactly what happened) … but Siragusa did NOT want to hurt him?

to quote Chris Rock, please cut the fucking shit, okay?

05. Scocca reminds us of Siragusa’s comments at the time
–on media row, pre-Super Bowl: “It’s not like I was trying to hurt him, but I was definitely trying to go after him,” which is simply more of the same bullshit where he’s trying to have it both ways, and which makes me think that if he was at least HONEST about it, it would, sadly, be an improvement;
–during the same media session, regarding his $10000 fine for that hit: “All year long they train us to go in there and hit people, beat people. Half the T-shirts you see say, ‘Sack Master’ or ‘Quarterback Killer,’ but all of a sudden you hit the quarterback and knock him out of the game, they want to fine you,” which is NOT a remorseful or adult statement, but which IS a guy who go himself a Super Bowl ring, and a bonus that surely exceeded $10000, by illegally injuring another player before being a fucking liar about the whole thing.

am i over it? not at all. fuck Tony Siragusa, fuck Tony Siragusa, fuck Tony Siragusa. i’m sure he was an asshole as a kid, an asshole as a college player, an asshole as a professional player, and an asshole now. some people you can simply TELL are that way, and making them giant and pampered star athletes has never, ever done anything positive about that. to put it another way, i am good at first impressions, and Tony Siragusa is a cunt. fuck it, i’ll just use this as an analogy:

in which Francis Wolcott is Tony Siragusa. if you’re not familiar with Deadwood, okay, i admit you’re lacking some context, but that really just means you should watch more Deadwood. and that i am not over that game at all.

next week: maybe less rage? eh, that seems unlikely.

NERDCATION 2012: the correct term is not “nerdfest,” please try and resist jamming “-fest” into the mix

no update for the week of the 21st? no update for the week of the 21st? can i give a good reason for this? well…

so myself and my trusty Irish sidekick are large fans of video gaming that involves side-by-side co-op, something that seems to have been going the way of the dodo in this modern world where all the kids have turbo-high-speed internets that allow co-op to be played in multiple houses. as for us, we don’t believe in that shit. and so when Borderlands 2 comes out, we’ll be spending about four days leveling up my “magic chick” and her robot assistant.

is this possibly just a straight-up excuse so that i won’t have to attempt to write an update? i guess we’ll never know! but we might have one for next week, we’ll see.

(repeatedly fires pistol into donkey rapist’s face)

it seems the new trend here at house of hate are shorter posts that allow you to quickly move on to actual important activities during your day. actually, in fairness, i don’t know that the posts ARE shorter, only that they feel that way to me, the person carefully handcrafting them for you, loyal reader. IT IS ALL FOR YOU. and with that being said, now let’s talk about a story where a miniature donkey is sexually violated for the purposes of comedy.

Carlos Romero
somehow i suspect you’re not supposed to be this pleased about being arrested for fucking a miniature donkey

Florida farmhand busted for lewd donkey show

ah, back to the Smoking Gun again this week for some ridiculousness. and really, there’s no way to dance around THAT kind of headline, so here we go:

“A Florida farmhand arrested for having sexual contact with a miniature donkey explained to cops that the Sunshine State was “backwards” since its residents “frown on zoophilia,” according to a police report.”

i must admit, this is a different stance to take. usually, these guys get busted and go right to blaming their sex-meets-animals adventures on drugs and alcohol, or else resort to the “i don’t know what i’m doing, i’m confused, i have problems, etc, etc.” neither of those is really going to work on whoever has busted you fucking a horse, but i understand the position; it’s just not going to work. on the other hand, this aggressive position of “no, YOU’RE the fucked-up ones for frowning on my donkey rape” might leave authority figures confused long enough for you to escape! at least, i THINK that’s the reason why you admit to fucking a donkey when you’re caught fucking a donkey.

and also, it’s a little sad that this is a MINIATURE donkey. it’s like, dude, if you’re going to rape a donkey, don’t pick on a mini-donkey, try and assault one that can maybe defend itself? that’s just the considerate thing to do.

“Carlos Romero, 31, was collared yesterday and charged with misdemeanor sexual activity with an animal. Investigators report that a witness last month spotted Romero, pictured in the mug shot at right, “up against the rear of the donkey” apparently having sex with the animal. Romero–who was shirtless and had his pants down–pulled away from the donkey when he spotted the witness, who had been delivering a horse to the barn he rents.”

now, i know the whole “apparently having sex” is one of those figures of speech you’re using because the guy hasn’t yet been convicted of fucking the donkey –even if he DOES seem very open and proud of his zoophilia– but come on, someone give me ONE other explanation for a guy being “up against the rear” of the donkey, shirtless, pants around his ankles, and leaping away in a guilty fashion when spotted. ANY OTHER EXPLANATION WILL BE ACCEPTED.

“When interviewed Friday by cops, Romero made a series of shocking admissions. He began by saying that he “uses his fingers and saliva to clean the donkey’s clitoris and check for wood shavings and debris,” adding that he “gets aroused” by seeing an animal in heat.”

you know, when they said a series of shocking admissions, i thought that was just talk… but no, no, that absolutely qualifies. it’s also an interesting distinction:

Carlos Romero: “you see, officer, i wasn’t having sex with this donkey. i was just examining and cleaning its genitals while aroused!”
police officer: (repeatedly fires pistol into Romero’s face)

and honestly, how DID this guy survive to be apprehended in Florida? i don’t want to come off as some kind of trigger-happy psychopath, but if i was to surprise a guy fucking a donkey, i think i’m shooting him in self-defense and asking questions later. i mean, if he’s fucking a donkey, who KNOWS what he’ll do when he realizes he’s been caught in the act?

“Romero reported that he “stands behind the donkey, scratches her withers and masturbates.” He revealed that he “likes the way the fur feels on his testicles,” and that his penis “may have come in contact with the donkey’s vagina by accident and his semen may have splattered inside the donkey by accident.””

so he wasn’t fucking the donkey, he was masturbating while resting his genitals on the donkey and MAYBE accidentally fucked the donkey. honestly, i think that if you find yourself at that level of clarification, you might as well just resort to the “okay, i fucked a donkey, i was drunk and have medical problems” position.

“After recalling that he masturbated with the donkey “5 or 6 times,” Romero “stated Florida is a backwards state and people frown on zoophilia here.””

WHY WOULD YOU CARE ABOUT FLORIDA’S STANCE ON ZOOPHILIA IF YOU’RE NOT FUCKING THE DONKEY? WHY? and really, i have heard people call Florida backwards on many occasions, but that has never been the reason why. never.

“Romero is being held in the Marion County jail in lieu of $2000 bond.”

i’m also guessing he’s not being 100% honest with his fellow jail residents about the reason for his incarceration.

now, i don’t want to say i am accusing this next guy of trying to fuck a tiger, but…

tigers’ den jumper wanted ‘to be one’ with beast, police say

…but, yeah, i am accusing this next guy of wanting to fuck a tiger. is that unfair? let’s examine the evidence:

“A 25-year-old man was charged with trespassing for jumping out of a monorail car into the Bronx Zoo’s tiger den because he wanted “to be one” with the animal, police said Saturday.”

alright, so i think “being one with a tiger” basically gives us three likely options:
01. this is a suicide attempt … and perhaps, a suicide attempt meant to be an homage to the RZA’s verse on 1-800-SUICIDE?
02. this is some incredibly dangerous and weird granola-munching hippie spirituality bullshit;
03. this guy (David Villalobos) really wants to fuck a tiger.

“David Villalobos, who is hospitalized in stable condition, said “his leap was definitely not a suicide attempt, but a desire to be one with the tiger,” according to Paul Browne, the NYPD’s chief spokesman.”

well, so much for option #01 (and sorry, RZA; if it makes you feel better, i think that verse is really cool). doesn’t prove that it’s tiger-fucking over hippie religion for a fact, but i suspect they’d just have outed him if it was the latter.

“Villalobos was riding on the zoo’s Wild Asia monorail around 3 p.m. Friday when he jumped out of the rail car, “clearing the exhibit’s perimeter fence” and landing in the den, according to Bronx Zoo Director Jim Breheny. Villalobos suffered a broken right shoulder, broken rib, collapsed lung, broken ankle, broken pelvis and puncture wounds, according to police spokesman Brian Sessa.”

i do have to say that i respect the amount of effort that he put into this, because most of these guys just try to scale the fence in a half-assed fashion until security drags them off as they yell and cry. also, i would say that laundry list of injuries tells us why you always put safety first when you’re riding in a rail car … as well as why you don’t try to fuck a tiger, beyond the default reason of “uh, because it’s turbo-gross?!”

“He later claimed to have pet one of the tigers before it backed off, Sessa added.”

which sounds a lot more like “sex criminal” than “nature-based religion,” although i admit i am approaching this news story with a combination of “disgusted with all people” and “trying to get some jokes going on here,” and not so much with “respect for alternative religions.”

“The spokesman said Villalobos was charged with trespassing and criminal trespassing. An arraignment has not yet been set.”

honestly, if he didn’t injure the animal(s) in any way and suffered a tiger attack, if i’m the judge, i’m thinking this might be a situation where i call it even. i mean, a miniature donkey can’t really defend itself or get revenge for being forcibly sodomized, but a tiger, on the other hand, can PROBABLY keep the average sex fiend from raping it.

“Zoo officials said rescuers used a fire extinguisher to separate the man and the animal. Heeding instructions, Villalobos rolled “under a hot wire to safety,” and the tiger backed off, Breheny said. The zoo uses so-called hot wires — or electrically charged cables — as training tools to keep animals away from such areas as plant beds. If the animal comes into contact with the wire, it feels a small electric shock.”

oh, he fled for his life when told to? well, there goes option #02, for a religious hippie would have accepted death at the hands (or paws, i guess) of a tiger as the natural conclusion to his spiritual journey. clearly Villalobos is a –no, wait, this is not confirmed– is an ALLEGED ALLEGED ALLEGED would-be tiger-fucker.

“”I think it’s safe to say that if the tiger really wanted to do harm to this individual he certainly had the time to do it,” Breheny said. “This is just an extraordinary occurrence that happened because … somebody was deliberately trying to endanger themselves.””

Breheny, the NYPD already told me that Villalobos wasn’t interested in suicide, and your pause is telling. clearly he admitted some sordid (and probably HILARIOUS) remarks you don’t want associated with your G-rated zoo?

honestly, i think we’d better call it there, because we’ve already gone from miniature donkey rape to attempted tiger sex assault. the thought of what the next random news article might tell us fills me with dread.

and now, house of hate takes a brief look at some poor life decisions

once again i find myself not having fired out some 95% finished updates that were sitting there, waiting for the final polishing before their ultimate publication, while i was doing something else, to say nothing of those stray articles that are just WAITING to be partnered up with one or two others and be formed into a real update (or, given the way it works around here sometimes, a “real update” might be more appropriate). to be perfectly honest, this IS going to result in the mockery of some dated articles, but perhaps we can get some comedy out of them anyway.

sad, sad Orleans County cruisers
this might be another week where “keeping it real” has gone entirely wrong

Vermont farmer in tractor crushes seven police cars

so, the poor life decision here? escalating this from his prior arrest (a “minor drug charge”) to whatever the hell the police slam you with after you do this:

“A farmer in the US state of Vermont who was facing a minor drugs charge is now in more serious trouble after driving a tractor over seven police cars.”

so, yeah, he PROBABLY would have been better suited to just fight the drug charge WITHOUT adding a tractor attack to the situation, unless this is one of those cultural disconnects where the guys behind the BBC only THINK it was a minor drug charge. and, let’s be honest, it’s not like you can expect all those involved in the drug trade to make the most rational decision every time. however, the truly ridiculous aspects of this story only reveal themselves as you embrace the dry recounting of the facts:

“Roger Pion crushed the county sheriff’s cruisers on Thursday before making his getaway on the farm vehicle. The 34-year-old was stopped by police in Newport city, northern Vermont, not far from the crime scene.”

…and that’s why we don’t make a getaway from the police on a FARM VEHICLE. you mean the slow-moving piece of farm equipment with the giant neon triangle on the back was only able to get a couple of miles away at its top speed of zero miles an hour before the police caught up to it? you don’t say! you city-dwellers may not be as well-versed as interacting with random tractors on the road as those in my neck of the woods, but trust me when i say this: they’re not fast, they’re not maneuverable, and they are large and blatant. however, on the other hand, some things went right for Pion during his crime spree:

“Sheriff’s deputies were unaware of the destruction in their department car park until a resident called 911.”

unaware? where are these cars kept that there isn’t a single police officer (or deputy, i guess) who’s at LEAST nearby enough to notice a massive piece of farm equipment smashing all the cars? and it gets even worse:

“Orleans County Sheriff Kirk Martin said they were initially unable to give chase as their cars had been wrecked.”

now, it’s not like i don’t find the irony of the police not being able to pursue farm equipment because it’s achieved the strategic masterstroke of crushing all their cars, but really, there was NO ONE in Orleans County on duty to the extent that they could be radioed to respond to this? because i think all the master criminals have now learned it takes the mere destruction of seven cars to leave this county helpless. this might also qualify as a poor life decision.

also, i now presume that Pion was apprehended by a team of deputies who just run really, really fast, or at least faster than the speed of a car-crushing farm machine.

“No-one was injured in the incident.”

“…except for Pion, who was inadvertently batoned dozens of times in the face while resisting arrest as he was removed from his farm equipment.”

“Mr Pion was detained last month accused of resisting arrest and marijuana possession, said police. He was in custody on Thursday evening, facing a number of additional charges.”

yeah, see, even the British are correct to call those minor offenses. did i sort of assume a farmer was wanted for some kind of marijuana growing or distribution? a little bit, and maybe that’s even true. but unless i find out otherwise, i think this qualifies for a very poor life decision.

Gretchen Lynn Kinnear
there’s an observation to be made here about how young, attractive women never find themselves in this type of situation, but honestly, it just seems mean to make it. and yet here we are

cops: mom gave beer to son, 4, at Irish pub

i know a lot of parents let their children drink while at home under their oversight, and that seems ALMOST okay, even if i think some recent studies implied that drunken kids learn their behavior, shockingly, from drunken and permissive parents. but when the police are involved because of how you let your child drink? a poor life decision has clearly been made at some point. the article:

“A South Carolina woman is facing child negligence charges after she was allegedly spotted giving her four-year-old son “shots” of beer at a bar Saturday night, police report.”

well, for one thing, i don’t think we need the quotes around “shots,” as that’s accepted terminology. second, as always, why aren’t you drinking at home? granted, you’re a 44-year-old woman with a 4-year-old son (which means there’s bound to be a rough ride for that child either way), so perhaps you’re out looking for someone to function as a father for this child (no father figure for the child figures prominently in this story), but do you know where you don’t get “allegedly spotted” giving your child beer? AT HOME, where the beer is likely cheaper anyway.

“Gretchen Lynn Kinnear, 44, was busted following the incident at McHale’s Irish Pub in Fort Mill, a town 18 miles south of Charlotte, North Carolina.”

slight nitpick: granted, in this part of the article, “Irish Pub” is clearly part of the business’ name. but the headline makes it sound more like “hey, it’s an Irish establishment, and you know they let their kids drink when they’re four, and god only knows what else, the savages!” poor form, Smoking Gun, poor form.

“According to a York County Sheriff’s Office report, bar patron Matthew Wray told deputies that he saw Kinnear give her child “about three ‘shots’ of beer.” This occurred, Wray added, after he “had the manager and the waitress ask her to stop” providing the boy with alcohol.”

wait, a waitress AND a manager had to have a patron ask them to tell this lady to stop giving her child beer? this establishment might deserve whatever we say about it. no, no, i know that they’re probably too busy to have even noticed what this Kinnear lady was up to, which leads me to point out the poor life decision of choosing to continue to slip your child beer after patrons and employees alike have noticed your poor behavior. you almost got away with it, Kinnear! finish up your drinking at home!

“When questioned by investigators, Kinnear copped to sharing “blonde beer” samples that were provided to her in shot glasses. She admitted doing this “at least twice while inside the bar,” deputies reported.”

okay, now i don’t want to be seen as condoning this kind of illegal and, even worse, shamefully idiotic behavior, but let me offer some advice: when the police confront you in this kind of situation, SHUT THE FUCK UP. you’re probably already getting rightful slammed for any number of crimes related to child neglect, but it does not help you at all to admit to what you’re being accused of doing. then again, someone who’s at a bar handing her child beer after beer is probably not the type to see the wisdom in this kind of discretion. it is what it is.

“Describing the beverage his mother gave him as “tea,” the boy told deputies that the drink “tasted funny and made him laugh a lot.” The child “also said that the ‘tea’ that his mom gives him makes him dizzy. The boy also revealed that his mother gave him similar “tea” at home. Asked about this, Kinnear acknowledged that “about once or twice a week she drinks wine at her home” and allows her son “to have some.”

which, quite frankly, should prove that she knows better regarding both the financial and legal benefits of doing your drinking with your incredibly underage child AT HOME. and thus, all my remaining sympathy for this woman and her presumably sad life expires at this point.

“Kinnear added that she “doesn’t do it to get him drunk or keep him quiet.” But the sheriff’s report does not detail why she provides the boy with alcohol.”

and THIS admission is even worse than the previous one, because damnit, it’s a greater offense than Kinnear putting her liberty at risk voluntarily: it’s presenting me with a total tease. if it’s not to get him drunk… and it’s not to get him sedated… what could the reason for giving him all this win possibly be? IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL.

“Child welfare workers took custody of the boy at McHale’s and subsequently placed him in the care of a couple who babysits the child, deputies reported.”

which i HOPE means they handed him over to the people who seem to give the most of a damn about him, because otherwise this sounds like the authorities are themselves making a poor life decision by handling the aftermath of this event in the most half-assed way possible.

so while i don’t think this was the most high-powered update to date, let’s hope it was adequate because, hey, we’ve got to keep this thing moving SOMEHOW. maybe it’ll be better next week? someday? IT IS A MYSTERY.