somehow, this is all going to turn into me angrily demanding that you acknowledge the sport of fencing

since the election is coming up, i am trying my best to not post raging, bitter election-related posts, and in this case, it’s going to involve me posting about trivial politics-related concepts so that i don’t have to take all this seriously. it’s better than the alternative in which i discuss how all politicians lie and accomplish nothing, and nothing about my vote will matter at all this year? anyway, let’s get right to it:

something about how my taste in sports relates to my politics?

What Your Favorite Sports Say About Your Politics

yes, we’re doing an update partially based on one of these graphs again: this time, instead of your beer selection making political observations, it’s your choice of sports (which, i suppose, demands you pick a major sport to run with, as i know there are lots of dudes out there who watch multiple sports). so here are my THIRTEEN SAUCY OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THIS CHART:

01. alright, WNBA, way to be an incredible outlier! i suppose this should have been predictable (as the WNBA is typically seen as a sport rejected by men, despite the sound fundamentals of the ladies involved in its boring, boring play), but does this mean there are legions of angry extreme liberals, albeit liberals who are not incredibly inclined towards voting, bitterly watching the WNBA as some kind of protest statement? because if so, i don’t think it’s working, guys.

02. i like how “European soccer” is slightly more liberal than “Major League Soccer” … and also the fact that we’re ranking these as separate sports. i mean, i grant you that they ARE different, league-wise, which makes this nit-picking at its finest, but are there THAT many soccer fans that we need to fuss over this distinction? and do people ever support one and not the other? a Manchester United fan might balk at the MLS being “actual professional-grade soccer,” but are there a lot of MLS fans who wouldn’t just say “soccer” as the answer to their favorite sport? i suppose the survey-taker deems this to be an insufficient answer: “I DEMAND YOU DECLARE YOUR SOCCER ALLEGIANCE TO EITHER EUROPE OR GOD’S AMERICA THIS INSTANT!”

03. i wish the MLS would do advertisements calling the MLS “professional-grade soccer,” like the MLS was the GMC Sierra of soccer. seriously, sometimes i get sad when i think THE INTERNET has stolen my clever ideas (i am still looking at you years after the fact, Dunkin Donuts), but in this case, i will make an exception because i want it to happen SO BADLY. doesn’t this make sense, considering how Americans seem to resist soccer on the grounds that it’s so wussy and European? “fuck your pussy-boy Euro-soccer, i got my PROFESSIONAL-GRADE AMERICAN 9/11 USA #1 NEVER FORGET Major League Soccer to watch!”

04. i admit to being a little more surprised as to where professional wrestling and MMA fall (although not surprised about where the turnout part does, as these sports to have some massive douchebag fans who probably don’t have a lot of time to vote because their schedules are full of trying to fit into their skin-tight skull-covered Affliction t-shirts), if only because they seem naturally geared towards the conservatives, what with their lust for innocent blood and all. the only possible explanations i can think of involve things like “i guess these sports have lots of younger fans who are more willing to embrace what some men describe as “gay skinhead fighting”” and “all these awesome Brazilians who love MMA must also be voting Democrat.”

05. the UFC must LOVE the branding-related fact that all of the chart-related MMA is summed up as “ultimate fighting (UFC).” meanwhile, there is some turbo-liberal Bellator fan who votes all the time out there who is INFURIATED by this reckless chart that fails to recognize the excellence of his high-quality, tournament-loving B-league.

06. also, there’s professional wrestling on this chart… and “ultimate fighting” on this chart… but no boxing? that has got to be depressing for all three of the remaining boxing fans in America. although, in fairness, i cannot think of a single person i know who WOULD declare boxing to be their favorite sport… and i know people who love tennis! TENNIS!

07. also, seriously, professional wrestling is not a sport and does not belong on this chart. if you answered “professional wrestling (WWE)” when someone asked you what your preferred sport was, they should have said “no, i asked what SPORT you preferred.” and they should probably ask it slowly, since you clearly failed to understand a simple question the first time. and to be clear, professional wrestling fans, this is not like when someone decides “oh, NASCAR isn’t a sport” or “oh, golf isn’t a sport.” professional wrestling is ABSOLUTELY not a real sport.

08. that said, man, am i glad that all you people who answer “professional wrestling is my favorite sport” aren’t voting ever.

09. monster trucks lean left? you rednecks are REALLY surprising me here… although, again, who the fuck declares “monster trucks” to be their favorite sport? “yeah, Billy Bob likes the football and Billy Ray loves baseball, but as for me, when it comes to sports, i love watching a giant truck drive on cars, yup!” wait… monster trucks are ALSO not a sport. this poll-taker (or poll-takers) was accepting some SINCERELY bullshit answers, and yet was so strict about how you’re allowed to answer “soccer.” weird.

10. also, horse racing leans left? you would think that since it’s the sport of rich, rich kings, it wouldn’t… although i suppose there’s something to be said about how much ladies love horses here, i guess, because the news stories tell me polls tell me they’re all voting for Obama SO HARD. also, the average degenerate gambler probably relies heavily on the social welfare programs the politicians of the left support.

11. who’s out there supporting random “high school sports” over ANY other sports that’s not a sex pervert? like, okay, say you love football: some like the professional game, where football is played at its highest level; some like the college game, where they can hold lame ideas about the integrity of the game and other nonsense like that. but if you like football and yet answer “OMG HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS” to the question of “what is your favorite sport,” it seems pretty clear to me that your ACTUAL favorite sport is “whatever keeps the teenage boys in those tight, revealing uniforms.”

12. am i at all surprised that men’s golf is a turbo-Republican sport? nope. am i surprised that the sport that indicates the highest voter turnout is women’s golf? yes, although this is mainly because i am stunned to see women’s golf on this chart at all.

13. finally, WHERE THE HELL IS FENCING ON THIS CHART? wait, i guess it falls under the Olympics? okay, then, but i still feel that we fans of fencing have been neglected. let’s be clear about this:

professional wrestling = not a sport

THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL SPORT

fencing = sport

THIS IS, IN FACT, AN ACTUAL SPORT

monster trucks = not a sport

THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL SPORT

fencing = sport

THIS IS AN ACTUAL SPORT, GODDAMNIT

okay, i think you all get the point. next week, we’ll be much closer to the actual election and thus that much closer to me no longer losing my mind.

Frosted Flakes: they’re GRRREAT … at causing crazy monkey attacks, apparently

this week at house of hate, we explore some important questions in life: what makes the animals we lovingly raise and care for turn against us, their owners and care-givers? and, perhaps more importantly, what makes a man want to fuck a couch? okay, i grant you that some questions are MORE important than others, but to be perfectly honest, i think the one about couch-fucking makes for a more interesting answer.

on with the articles!

the deadly, elusive FARM PIG
…and that’s why you lure them into trucks and turn them into delicious sausages before anyone gets hurt

farmer eaten by his own hogs

“Authorities in Oregon are investigating how a hog farmer was eaten by his animals.”

see, the “how” seems pretty clear: he fell into the pen and then the hogs ate him. pretty cut-and-dry stuff, if you ask me. isn’t the issue the “why?” or, i suppose, the “how did he end up in the goddamn pen to begin with?”

“The remains of Terry Vance Garner, 70, were found in his hog enclosure Wednesday, according to local news reports Monday. The farmer had gone to feed the hogs, some weighing as much as 700 pounds, about 7:30 a.m., according to a report from CNN affiliate KMTR. After Garner was not seen for several hours, a family member went to check on him and found his dentures in the hog pen. Other remains were found, but the hogs had eaten most of the farmer, according to the report.”

see, now i am not a police officer, but this is where i get a LITTLE suspicious: he supposedly went missing and no one could find him, and then when someone went looking for him, they happened to find his dentures in the hog pen? why, it’s almost like he could have been killed and/or disappeared without ever going into the hog pen at all. but then again, i am by nature a suspicious person.

“The sheriff’s department is looking into the death. “Due to the unusual circumstances, the Sheriff’s Office is investigating to determine if foul play may have resulted in the death of Mr. Garner,” Coos County District Attorney Paul Frasier told CNN affiliate KVAL.”

well, i for one am glad to know that the sheriff’s department has decided that “man supposedly eaten by his own pigs” is an incident worthy of investigation.

“For all we know, it was a horrific accident, but it’s so doggone weird that we have to look at all possibilities,” the Eugene Register-Guard quoted Frasier as saying.”

okay, you guys won me back with the use of the phrase “so doggone weird!” carry on!

“Garner could have suffered a heart attack and fallen in the pen, or the hogs could have knocked him off his feet and then eaten him, Frasier told the newspaper.”

or, you know, someone could have thrown him in there! or accidentally knocked him in there! and you know, if the documentary Hannibal is any indication, you have to do a LITTLE work to get pigs to eat people. unless…

“The farmer’s brother, Michael Garner, told the Register-Guard that one of the sows had bitten the farmer last year after he accidentally stepped on a piglet. “He said he was going to kill it, but when I asked him about it later, he said he had changed his mind,” Garner said.”

ah, okay, there’s the motivation: a farmer once stepped on a piglet, but let it live, and then, years later, that very same piglet eats the farmer? you know what i would do if i was the sheriff? arrest the hell out of Michael Garner! if not for killing his brother, then for telling me this “he was eaten by a pig that swore an oath of vengeance against him” story.

“Garner told the Register-Guard his brother was a Vietnam veteran who suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. The farm was “a life-saver,” he said. “Those animals were his life,” Garner told the Register-Guard.”

there’s a joke here about how a farm on which pigs supposedly ate a man doesn’t really suit the label of “a life-saver,” but you know me, i don’t really go in for that kind of low-hanging fruit.

something something illegal monkeys?
seen here: more law-abiding macaque monkeys, all of which are probably not packed to the gills with Frosted Flakes

illegal monkey living on Frosted Flakes bites woman

“A Javan macaque monkey being kept as a pet and living on a diet that included Frosted Flakes and juice has been quarantined after it bit a Paso Robles woman multiple times on the hand and arm.”

to be honest, i have never understood the desire to have a monkey as a pet: some pets are a little gross, but endearing; some pets provide useful functions, whether emotional or more job-based. these pets all make sense. but when was the last time you EVER heard someone who owned a monkey talking about the strong points of a monkey as a pet? they throw shit, they get into everything and break things, and try as i might, i cannot think of a serious use for a monkey in your household. even Mojo was overwhelmed! they’re meant to be funny props in movies and television shows, people, not members of your household!

“The monkey, which authorities said was being kept illegally as a pet, attacked the woman Aug. 29, inflicting several severe bites to her arm and fingers.”

…which is what happens when you feed a wild animal Frosted Flakes AND fail to give it the job that allows its life to have greater meaning than simply “picking fleas off yourself and plotting violent monkey REVENGE.”

“The hospital where the woman was treated reported the incident to San Luis Obispo County Division of Animal Services on Sept. 5, Animal Services Manager Eric Anderson said. “This kind of animal is never meant to be kept domestically. It is illegal,” Anderson said. “It lived on a diet including Frosted Flakes and juice. We strongly discourage the keeping of any such animal.””

see, i’m getting mixed signals here: is it discouraged and not meant to be kept domestically in the same way a lion is not a domestic pet (unless you’re in Ohio, i guess)? or is it ILLEGAL? because the latter would mean you could spare us all the talk about how you discourage people from purchasing primates and jamming them full of sugary breakfast cereal.

“He added: “And that is entirely the wrong kind of diet.””

obviously! although in fairness, i know i personally wouldn’t be able to resist making this kind of remark. “i mean, look, if you’re going to be an idiot and keep an illegal monkey, you should PROBABLY not stuff them full of candy in cereal form. it tends to make the little fuckers go crazy.”

“The monkey is now quarantined for 60 days at Zoo to You, a conservation group that handles rescued animals. Anderson said the California Department of Fish and Game is investigation and has the power to seek charges against the monkey’s owner for unlawful possession of a restricted species. The macaque delivers a dog-like bite and can do severe damage, he said.”

this all being said, there DOES seem to be a little species-related bias going on here: if someone’s dog bit them because it wasn’t a fan of snack food decorated with a cartoon tiger, it’d probably be in the pound waiting for a lethal dose of whatever chemical your local pound uses to kill dogs, not resting comfortably with “a conservation group that handles rescued animals.” so why does an insane monkey with a “dog-like bite” get such a pass? sounds like ANIMAL RACISM.

yellow love seat, pre-abandonment
it seems that to some men, THIS is the epitome of sexiness

man busted for curbside sex with old couch

ah, once again we turn to the Smoking Gun for a crazy-ass sex crime story:

“A Wisconsin man has been accused of having sex with an abandoned couch, police report. The human-furniture coupling was interrupted earlier this month when an off-duty cop out jogging late one night spotted Gerard Streator, 46, trysting with the yellow couch, which had been left at a Waukesha curb.”

one, that’s a lovely use of the word “trysting.” the thing about possessing an English degree is that you can truly appreciate this kind of thing. “human-furniture coupling” is also pretty inspired, but i give it a little less credit. two, you know i have to ask this: why not just fuck a couch you own? is this similar to the concept of hiring a prostitute (in this case, an abandoned yellow couch) to do the things your wife (in this case, whatever couches you own) simply will not do?

“As detailed in a misdemeanor criminal complaint charging Streator with lewd and lascivious behavior, Officer Ryan Edwards reported seeing “a subject leaning over the couch facing down and it looked like he was having sexual relations with someone on the couch.” The cop noted that he “could see the male’s hips thrusting up and down on the couch.””

well… okay… let’s try and think of a non-couch-fucking scenario that could have been going on here? practicing for when he hired a prostitute later? having wild, passionate sex with a GHOST PROSTITUTE?! you know, they say there are ghost prostitutes all over these alleys, you know.

“As he approached the couch, Edwards yelled, “What are you doing?” Streator, investigators allege, responded by jumping up and running away. As Streator fled, Edwards reported, he “could see that the defendant’s penis was erect. Edwards concluded that Streator “had been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.”

and i absolutely love the way this is so technically broken down: “when he fled the scene of what i believe to be a couch-fucking, i noticed his penis was erect, so i made the reasoned assumption that he had been fucking the couch in order to achieve sexual release.” well, OBVIOUSLY. why else would someone be fucking a couch if it wasn’t to attempt to sexually gratify yourself?

“It is unclear whether the reference to two cushions meant that the couch was, in fact, a love seat.”

well-played, writer of this article, whose name escapes my brief search for it, well-played.

“Edwards chased Streator to his apartment building, but the suspect “quickly pulled the door closed behind him.” He was arrested the following day at the hotel where he works.”

wait, what? they waited to arrest him the next day? they couldn’t, you know, KNOCK ON THE FUCKING DOOR and arrest him right then and there for couch-fucking? okay, i guess it’s not the kind of crime you kick in the door for, but still.

so i saw this ad for Alex Cross and then i TOTALLY FREAKED OUT for logical reasons

so it’s not that i am prone to hyperbole or anything –perish the thought– but i guess i should admit there are a lot of times i see something and think to myself, “well, this is simply going to be the worst thing ever.” however, as the Irishman can attest, it doesn’t ALWAYS result in me immediately informing people of how awful that something is; sometimes i manage to keep it to myself. but not this time! not in the face of this television advertisement for Alex Cross!

what the fuck did i just see? the internet needs to know my opinions immediately!

first off, i guess i didn’t realize they were making any more of these movies. i recall the first time we started doing this “putting Alex Cross in the movies for some reason” thing, when it was Morgan Freeman, who made the role work in a solid, not great, film (1997’s Kiss The Girls) and a much less solid film (2001’s Along Came A Spider). the former was your trial run, and it worked well and made a bunch of money and Morgan Freeman turned some ridiculous pulp fiction writer’s dream cop into an actual character; the latter i recall still making plenty of money, but i think we can all agree it sucked despite the inclusion of Morgan Freeman and the man born to play villains, Michael Wincott. the explanation, i suppose, is that after 11 years people have forgotten how bad Along Came A Spider was.

second… Tyler Perry? granted, i understand that when you’re a ridiculous comedic actor, at some point you’ll feel compelled to show “what you can do” and make a serious film. however, most comedic actors should not do this, and Tyler Perry, to leave aside the quality of his work, is BEYOND successful at what he does. you have nothing to prove to anyone, Mr. Perry. please don’t do this again.

anyway, let’s go back to this trailer for some specific comments:

ALEX CROSS TALKS DRAMATICALLY

00:03: so is this Tyler Perry’s “Alex Cross voice?” because i do not approve. in fact, let me say this: people often bash Christian Bale’s Batman voice and Tom Hardy’s Bane voice, but i think the former is defensible from a disguise point of view (come on, people) and the latter is defensible because, what the fuck, guys, it’s AWESOME. this Alex Cross voice, however, sounds like someone is doing his best to sound like A Serious Adult after making all those Madea movies. of course, if this is just how he sounds, i am way off base here… but then i’ll stick to just hating Tyler Perry’s voice. seems fair.

ALEX CROSS FREAKS OUT INTO A RUN

00:010: alright, so the villain has randomly threatened Tyler Perry’s Alex Cross wife, so he FREAKS OUT into the single lamest run i have ever seen in a movie. i THOUGHT Alex Cross was supposed to be this deep-thinking, calm and composed cerebral cop, so that’s the first problem i have with his “OMG RUN LIKE A MANIAC THROUGH THIS RESTAURANT EVEN THOUGH THE THREAT IS VAGUE” reaction. but beyond that, just look how fucking stupid Perry looks. it’s pathetic. i guess he’s worried, but consider that the reason why people lapped up Taken is that Liam Neeson has no time to look concerned because he’s too busy looking like MURDER.

ALEX CROSS MAKES THIS SPEECH ... DRAMATICALLY

00:14: now, i am not going to read any James Patterson books, so i will just say this: the whole line of “I will meet his soul at the gates of hell before I’ll let him take a person that I love” sounds BEYOND lame, whether or not it’s being declared in Perry’s “Alex Cross voice.” i don’t know if it’s a quote from the book (hopefully i will never know the answer to this question) or something cheesy that’s been cobbled together for the film, but it fucking sucks. that said, if this movie is going to furiously suck –and i have every reason to believe that it will– then i guess we should embrace the terrible, terrible dialogue. and ponder this: if it’s in the ads, it’s supposed to be the AWESOME BAD-ASS LINE from the film. how much lower can we go?

ALEX CROSS SHOOTS THIS GUN ... DRAMATICALLY

00:19: is this an action move? is Tyler Perry just falling down awkwardly because his physique was not designed to shoot shotguns at creepy versions of Matthew Fox? and hang on: is Alex Cross supposed to do action stuff? i don’t recall him doing action stuff in the first few movies (although it has probably been a little while since i have seen them), so what gives? but let’s assume this is an action scene because Tyler Perry has been running a LOT so far in this trailer: THIS LOOKS AWFUL. i cannot watch it much longer, and yet i cannot look away.

ALEX CROSS SUCCESSFULLY RUINS THE VILLAIN'S DEEP MOMENT

00:24: okay, i have very mixed feelings about this hero-villain exchange:

villainous version of Matthew Fox: “when setting off on the path of revenge, dig two graves”
Alex Cross version of Mabel “Madea” Simmons: (in Alex Cross voice) “as long as you’re in one of them.”

on the one hand, once again, this is some lame dialogue that i cannot exactly place the blame for; please see the 00:14 section. on the other hand, if the villain was to drop this cheesy line on you, the hero, i think the only appropriate thing to do is deflate his ego by coming back at him with some shitty line like “AS LONG AS YOU’RE IN ONE OF THEM.”

unrelated note: i hope Matthew Fox has killed Alex Cross’ wife early in this movie, because that level of trauma is the only thing that would justify Alex Cross transmogrifying into Tyler Perry and acting like a fucking idiot. SPOILER ALERT: i have no idea, but some brief internet research leads me to believe that this did actually happen. EXCELLENT.

STUPID FUCKING EXPLOSION

00:25: i don’t have much to say here other than that this shot looks stupid as hell. moving on!

ALEX CROSS WALKS OUT THE DOOR ... SASSILY

00:28: …and let me close it out by saying that i don’t think Morgan Freeman would have brought such a sassy walk to the role. there’s a time and a place for everything, Tyler Perry, to include sassy walks, but this is not the time!

anyway, i’m also upset to learn that Idris Elba was the original choice for this role before the downgrade to Tyler Perry happened, but in fairness, i don’t think the problem is Tyler Perry. i think the problem is that i don’t want to live in a world spent 45 MILLION DOLLARS making this garbage happen. sadness accrues!

things i am not making fun of at all: parkour dog, dinosaur batman, and the politics of your beer selection. unless you chose Heineken!

to be perfectly honest, i feel bad about throwing out ANOTHER content-free placeholder post when i did the same thing two weeks ago; you can attribute this to me just refusing to get pending updates completed (possibly until they’re WAY past their expiration date), you can attribute this to whatever personal failings of mine you’d like (there are many), you can attribute this to… well, whatever. in any case, let us use this time to post a few things that i can’t make fun of so much as just sit back in awe of.

TreT the Super Dog may have a stupid name (apparently he is also known as “Parkour Dog from Ukraine, which actually sounds bett), but i can say this: if this dog was running for president, i would vote for him. actually, scratch that: i would vote for this dog for any possible political office he could hold, given that he’s from the Ukraine, and this not eligible to be president, but still much more excellent than any politicians i know. and honestly, that’s not meant to be a cynical reflection of my lack of faith in our modern politicians; it’s more a reflection about how fucking awesome this dog is.

if i ran a television network, i would give him a show entitled Parkour Dogus Has Moves. we’re working with some very high-level puns here.

something about how my taste in beer relates to my politics?

What Your Beer Says About Your Politics

so i’m not making fun of this because, you know, science was at work, i guess, but i don’t know that i agree with it. specific complaints?

01. my personal taste leans Guinness, but as far as i can tell, i am not Democrat-leaning and prone to high voter turnout. although i DO have to admit that, despite my incredibly pessimism commentaries on the uselessness of voting and all that, i still DO vote all the damn time. so maybe i am just resisting what the Guinness says about me, beyond that i think Guinness is a tasty beer?

02. according to this chart, the Irishman, who i am assigning a choice of Yuengling to, would be even more Republican than i am Democrat (note: i am not a Democrat and he is not a Republican) and more prone to voting than i. i think he thinks Ron Paul is cool, but somehow i doubt he’s carrying the flag for the GOP simply because he thinks America’s oldest brewery is cool. then again, it’s not like i KNOW how he votes, right?

03. next time i see someone drinking a Heineken, i am going to point at them and declare “YOU FUCKING COMMUNIST.”

like i said, DINOSAUR BATMAN

DINOSAUR BATMAN

so this is over a year old, but it’s not something you make fun of (OBVIOUSLY), so let’s look back at 2011 and think about how cool this Dinosaur Batman is! the page informs us that “keep in mind that the movie is shooting under the code name Magnus Rex, and the T-Rex appears to be a gag set up by students at the nearby Art Institute of Pittsburgh”; i love to mock the Art Institutes, but this is still pretty excellent.

so okay, there you go. this was ALMOST like a real update! we’ll eventually get this website on track