since the election is coming up, i am trying my best to not post raging, bitter election-related posts, and in this case, it’s going to involve me posting about trivial politics-related concepts so that i don’t have to take all this seriously. it’s better than the alternative in which i discuss how all politicians lie and accomplish nothing, and nothing about my vote will matter at all this year? anyway, let’s get right to it:
yes, we’re doing an update partially based on one of these graphs again: this time, instead of your beer selection making political observations, it’s your choice of sports (which, i suppose, demands you pick a major sport to run with, as i know there are lots of dudes out there who watch multiple sports). so here are my THIRTEEN SAUCY OBSERVATIONS ABOUT THIS CHART:
01. alright, WNBA, way to be an incredible outlier! i suppose this should have been predictable (as the WNBA is typically seen as a sport rejected by men, despite the sound fundamentals of the ladies involved in its boring, boring play), but does this mean there are legions of angry extreme liberals, albeit liberals who are not incredibly inclined towards voting, bitterly watching the WNBA as some kind of protest statement? because if so, i don’t think it’s working, guys.
02. i like how “European soccer” is slightly more liberal than “Major League Soccer” … and also the fact that we’re ranking these as separate sports. i mean, i grant you that they ARE different, league-wise, which makes this nit-picking at its finest, but are there THAT many soccer fans that we need to fuss over this distinction? and do people ever support one and not the other? a Manchester United fan might balk at the MLS being “actual professional-grade soccer,” but are there a lot of MLS fans who wouldn’t just say “soccer” as the answer to their favorite sport? i suppose the survey-taker deems this to be an insufficient answer: “I DEMAND YOU DECLARE YOUR SOCCER ALLEGIANCE TO EITHER EUROPE OR GOD’S AMERICA THIS INSTANT!”
03. i wish the MLS would do advertisements calling the MLS “professional-grade soccer,” like the MLS was the GMC Sierra of soccer. seriously, sometimes i get sad when i think THE INTERNET has stolen my clever ideas (i am still looking at you years after the fact, Dunkin Donuts), but in this case, i will make an exception because i want it to happen SO BADLY. doesn’t this make sense, considering how Americans seem to resist soccer on the grounds that it’s so wussy and European? “fuck your pussy-boy Euro-soccer, i got my PROFESSIONAL-GRADE AMERICAN 9/11 USA #1 NEVER FORGET Major League Soccer to watch!”
04. i admit to being a little more surprised as to where professional wrestling and MMA fall (although not surprised about where the turnout part does, as these sports to have some massive douchebag fans who probably don’t have a lot of time to vote because their schedules are full of trying to fit into their skin-tight skull-covered Affliction t-shirts), if only because they seem naturally geared towards the conservatives, what with their lust for innocent blood and all. the only possible explanations i can think of involve things like “i guess these sports have lots of younger fans who are more willing to embrace what some men describe as “gay skinhead fighting”” and “all these awesome Brazilians who love MMA must also be voting Democrat.”
05. the UFC must LOVE the branding-related fact that all of the chart-related MMA is summed up as “ultimate fighting (UFC).” meanwhile, there is some turbo-liberal Bellator fan who votes all the time out there who is INFURIATED by this reckless chart that fails to recognize the excellence of his high-quality, tournament-loving B-league.
06. also, there’s professional wrestling on this chart… and “ultimate fighting” on this chart… but no boxing? that has got to be depressing for all three of the remaining boxing fans in America. although, in fairness, i cannot think of a single person i know who WOULD declare boxing to be their favorite sport… and i know people who love tennis! TENNIS!
07. also, seriously, professional wrestling is not a sport and does not belong on this chart. if you answered “professional wrestling (WWE)” when someone asked you what your preferred sport was, they should have said “no, i asked what SPORT you preferred.” and they should probably ask it slowly, since you clearly failed to understand a simple question the first time. and to be clear, professional wrestling fans, this is not like when someone decides “oh, NASCAR isn’t a sport” or “oh, golf isn’t a sport.” professional wrestling is ABSOLUTELY not a real sport.
08. that said, man, am i glad that all you people who answer “professional wrestling is my favorite sport” aren’t voting ever.
09. monster trucks lean left? you rednecks are REALLY surprising me here… although, again, who the fuck declares “monster trucks” to be their favorite sport? “yeah, Billy Bob likes the football and Billy Ray loves baseball, but as for me, when it comes to sports, i love watching a giant truck drive on cars, yup!” wait… monster trucks are ALSO not a sport. this poll-taker (or poll-takers) was accepting some SINCERELY bullshit answers, and yet was so strict about how you’re allowed to answer “soccer.” weird.
10. also, horse racing leans left? you would think that since it’s the sport of rich, rich kings, it wouldn’t… although i suppose there’s something to be said about how much ladies love horses here, i guess, because the news stories tell me polls tell me they’re all voting for Obama SO HARD. also, the average degenerate gambler probably relies heavily on the social welfare programs the politicians of the left support.
11. who’s out there supporting random “high school sports” over ANY other sports that’s not a sex pervert? like, okay, say you love football: some like the professional game, where football is played at its highest level; some like the college game, where they can hold lame ideas about the integrity of the game and other nonsense like that. but if you like football and yet answer “OMG HIGH SCHOOL SPORTS” to the question of “what is your favorite sport,” it seems pretty clear to me that your ACTUAL favorite sport is “whatever keeps the teenage boys in those tight, revealing uniforms.”
12. am i at all surprised that men’s golf is a turbo-Republican sport? nope. am i surprised that the sport that indicates the highest voter turnout is women’s golf? yes, although this is mainly because i am stunned to see women’s golf on this chart at all.
13. finally, WHERE THE HELL IS FENCING ON THIS CHART? wait, i guess it falls under the Olympics? okay, then, but i still feel that we fans of fencing have been neglected. let’s be clear about this:
THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL SPORT
THIS IS, IN FACT, AN ACTUAL SPORT
THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL SPORT
THIS IS AN ACTUAL SPORT, GODDAMNIT
okay, i think you all get the point. next week, we’ll be much closer to the actual election and thus that much closer to me no longer losing my mind.