so it’s not that i am prone to hyperbole or anything –perish the thought– but i guess i should admit there are a lot of times i see something and think to myself, “well, this is simply going to be the worst thing ever.” however, as the Irishman can attest, it doesn’t ALWAYS result in me immediately informing people of how awful that something is; sometimes i manage to keep it to myself. but not this time! not in the face of this television advertisement for Alex Cross!
what the fuck did i just see? the internet needs to know my opinions immediately!
first off, i guess i didn’t realize they were making any more of these movies. i recall the first time we started doing this “putting Alex Cross in the movies for some reason” thing, when it was Morgan Freeman, who made the role work in a solid, not great, film (1997’s Kiss The Girls) and a much less solid film (2001’s Along Came A Spider). the former was your trial run, and it worked well and made a bunch of money and Morgan Freeman turned some ridiculous pulp fiction writer’s dream cop into an actual character; the latter i recall still making plenty of money, but i think we can all agree it sucked despite the inclusion of Morgan Freeman and the man born to play villains, Michael Wincott. the explanation, i suppose, is that after 11 years people have forgotten how bad Along Came A Spider was.
second… Tyler Perry? granted, i understand that when you’re a ridiculous comedic actor, at some point you’ll feel compelled to show “what you can do” and make a serious film. however, most comedic actors should not do this, and Tyler Perry, to leave aside the quality of his work, is BEYOND successful at what he does. you have nothing to prove to anyone, Mr. Perry. please don’t do this again.
anyway, let’s go back to this trailer for some specific comments:
00:03: so is this Tyler Perry’s “Alex Cross voice?” because i do not approve. in fact, let me say this: people often bash Christian Bale’s Batman voice and Tom Hardy’s Bane voice, but i think the former is defensible from a disguise point of view (come on, people) and the latter is defensible because, what the fuck, guys, it’s AWESOME. this Alex Cross voice, however, sounds like someone is doing his best to sound like A Serious Adult after making all those Madea movies. of course, if this is just how he sounds, i am way off base here… but then i’ll stick to just hating Tyler Perry’s voice. seems fair.
00:010: alright, so the villain has randomly threatened Tyler Perry’s Alex Cross wife, so he FREAKS OUT into the single lamest run i have ever seen in a movie. i THOUGHT Alex Cross was supposed to be this deep-thinking, calm and composed cerebral cop, so that’s the first problem i have with his “OMG RUN LIKE A MANIAC THROUGH THIS RESTAURANT EVEN THOUGH THE THREAT IS VAGUE” reaction. but beyond that, just look how fucking stupid Perry looks. it’s pathetic. i guess he’s worried, but consider that the reason why people lapped up Taken is that Liam Neeson has no time to look concerned because he’s too busy looking like MURDER.
00:14: now, i am not going to read any James Patterson books, so i will just say this: the whole line of “I will meet his soul at the gates of hell before I’ll let him take a person that I love” sounds BEYOND lame, whether or not it’s being declared in Perry’s “Alex Cross voice.” i don’t know if it’s a quote from the book (hopefully i will never know the answer to this question) or something cheesy that’s been cobbled together for the film, but it fucking sucks. that said, if this movie is going to furiously suck –and i have every reason to believe that it will– then i guess we should embrace the terrible, terrible dialogue. and ponder this: if it’s in the ads, it’s supposed to be the AWESOME BAD-ASS LINE from the film. how much lower can we go?
00:19: is this an action move? is Tyler Perry just falling down awkwardly because his physique was not designed to shoot shotguns at creepy versions of Matthew Fox? and hang on: is Alex Cross supposed to do action stuff? i don’t recall him doing action stuff in the first few movies (although it has probably been a little while since i have seen them), so what gives? but let’s assume this is an action scene because Tyler Perry has been running a LOT so far in this trailer: THIS LOOKS AWFUL. i cannot watch it much longer, and yet i cannot look away.
00:24: okay, i have very mixed feelings about this hero-villain exchange:
villainous version of Matthew Fox: “when setting off on the path of revenge, dig two graves”
Alex Cross version of Mabel “Madea” Simmons: (in Alex Cross voice) “as long as you’re in one of them.”
on the one hand, once again, this is some lame dialogue that i cannot exactly place the blame for; please see the 00:14 section. on the other hand, if the villain was to drop this cheesy line on you, the hero, i think the only appropriate thing to do is deflate his ego by coming back at him with some shitty line like “AS LONG AS YOU’RE IN ONE OF THEM.”
unrelated note: i hope Matthew Fox has killed Alex Cross’ wife early in this movie, because that level of trauma is the only thing that would justify Alex Cross transmogrifying into Tyler Perry and acting like a fucking idiot. SPOILER ALERT: i have no idea, but some brief internet research leads me to believe that this did actually happen. EXCELLENT.
00:25: i don’t have much to say here other than that this shot looks stupid as hell. moving on!
00:28: …and let me close it out by saying that i don’t think Morgan Freeman would have brought such a sassy walk to the role. there’s a time and a place for everything, Tyler Perry, to include sassy walks, but this is not the time!
anyway, i’m also upset to learn that Idris Elba was the original choice for this role before the downgrade to Tyler Perry happened, but in fairness, i don’t think the problem is Tyler Perry. i think the problem is that i don’t want to live in a world spent 45 MILLION DOLLARS making this garbage happen. sadness accrues!