this week at house of hate, we explore some important questions in life: what makes the animals we lovingly raise and care for turn against us, their owners and care-givers? and, perhaps more importantly, what makes a man want to fuck a couch? okay, i grant you that some questions are MORE important than others, but to be perfectly honest, i think the one about couch-fucking makes for a more interesting answer.
on with the articles!
…and that’s why you lure them into trucks and turn them into delicious sausages before anyone gets hurt
“Authorities in Oregon are investigating how a hog farmer was eaten by his animals.”
see, the “how” seems pretty clear: he fell into the pen and then the hogs ate him. pretty cut-and-dry stuff, if you ask me. isn’t the issue the “why?” or, i suppose, the “how did he end up in the goddamn pen to begin with?”
“The remains of Terry Vance Garner, 70, were found in his hog enclosure Wednesday, according to local news reports Monday. The farmer had gone to feed the hogs, some weighing as much as 700 pounds, about 7:30 a.m., according to a report from CNN affiliate KMTR. After Garner was not seen for several hours, a family member went to check on him and found his dentures in the hog pen. Other remains were found, but the hogs had eaten most of the farmer, according to the report.”
see, now i am not a police officer, but this is where i get a LITTLE suspicious: he supposedly went missing and no one could find him, and then when someone went looking for him, they happened to find his dentures in the hog pen? why, it’s almost like he could have been killed and/or disappeared without ever going into the hog pen at all. but then again, i am by nature a suspicious person.
“The sheriff’s department is looking into the death. “Due to the unusual circumstances, the Sheriff’s Office is investigating to determine if foul play may have resulted in the death of Mr. Garner,” Coos County District Attorney Paul Frasier told CNN affiliate KVAL.”
well, i for one am glad to know that the sheriff’s department has decided that “man supposedly eaten by his own pigs” is an incident worthy of investigation.
“For all we know, it was a horrific accident, but it’s so doggone weird that we have to look at all possibilities,” the Eugene Register-Guard quoted Frasier as saying.”
okay, you guys won me back with the use of the phrase “so doggone weird!” carry on!
“Garner could have suffered a heart attack and fallen in the pen, or the hogs could have knocked him off his feet and then eaten him, Frasier told the newspaper.”
or, you know, someone could have thrown him in there! or accidentally knocked him in there! and you know, if the documentary Hannibal is any indication, you have to do a LITTLE work to get pigs to eat people. unless…
“The farmer’s brother, Michael Garner, told the Register-Guard that one of the sows had bitten the farmer last year after he accidentally stepped on a piglet. “He said he was going to kill it, but when I asked him about it later, he said he had changed his mind,” Garner said.”
ah, okay, there’s the motivation: a farmer once stepped on a piglet, but let it live, and then, years later, that very same piglet eats the farmer? you know what i would do if i was the sheriff? arrest the hell out of Michael Garner! if not for killing his brother, then for telling me this “he was eaten by a pig that swore an oath of vengeance against him” story.
“Garner told the Register-Guard his brother was a Vietnam veteran who suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. The farm was “a life-saver,” he said. “Those animals were his life,” Garner told the Register-Guard.”
there’s a joke here about how a farm on which pigs supposedly ate a man doesn’t really suit the label of “a life-saver,” but you know me, i don’t really go in for that kind of low-hanging fruit.
seen here: more law-abiding macaque monkeys, all of which are probably not packed to the gills with Frosted Flakes
“A Javan macaque monkey being kept as a pet and living on a diet that included Frosted Flakes and juice has been quarantined after it bit a Paso Robles woman multiple times on the hand and arm.”
to be honest, i have never understood the desire to have a monkey as a pet: some pets are a little gross, but endearing; some pets provide useful functions, whether emotional or more job-based. these pets all make sense. but when was the last time you EVER heard someone who owned a monkey talking about the strong points of a monkey as a pet? they throw shit, they get into everything and break things, and try as i might, i cannot think of a serious use for a monkey in your household. even Mojo was overwhelmed! they’re meant to be funny props in movies and television shows, people, not members of your household!
“The monkey, which authorities said was being kept illegally as a pet, attacked the woman Aug. 29, inflicting several severe bites to her arm and fingers.”
…which is what happens when you feed a wild animal Frosted Flakes AND fail to give it the job that allows its life to have greater meaning than simply “picking fleas off yourself and plotting violent monkey REVENGE.”
“The hospital where the woman was treated reported the incident to San Luis Obispo County Division of Animal Services on Sept. 5, Animal Services Manager Eric Anderson said. “This kind of animal is never meant to be kept domestically. It is illegal,” Anderson said. “It lived on a diet including Frosted Flakes and juice. We strongly discourage the keeping of any such animal.””
see, i’m getting mixed signals here: is it discouraged and not meant to be kept domestically in the same way a lion is not a domestic pet (unless you’re in Ohio, i guess)? or is it ILLEGAL? because the latter would mean you could spare us all the talk about how you discourage people from purchasing primates and jamming them full of sugary breakfast cereal.
“He added: “And that is entirely the wrong kind of diet.””
obviously! although in fairness, i know i personally wouldn’t be able to resist making this kind of remark. “i mean, look, if you’re going to be an idiot and keep an illegal monkey, you should PROBABLY not stuff them full of candy in cereal form. it tends to make the little fuckers go crazy.”
“The monkey is now quarantined for 60 days at Zoo to You, a conservation group that handles rescued animals. Anderson said the California Department of Fish and Game is investigation and has the power to seek charges against the monkey’s owner for unlawful possession of a restricted species. The macaque delivers a dog-like bite and can do severe damage, he said.”
this all being said, there DOES seem to be a little species-related bias going on here: if someone’s dog bit them because it wasn’t a fan of snack food decorated with a cartoon tiger, it’d probably be in the pound waiting for a lethal dose of whatever chemical your local pound uses to kill dogs, not resting comfortably with “a conservation group that handles rescued animals.” so why does an insane monkey with a “dog-like bite” get such a pass? sounds like ANIMAL RACISM.
it seems that to some men, THIS is the epitome of sexiness
ah, once again we turn to the Smoking Gun for a crazy-ass sex crime story:
“A Wisconsin man has been accused of having sex with an abandoned couch, police report. The human-furniture coupling was interrupted earlier this month when an off-duty cop out jogging late one night spotted Gerard Streator, 46, trysting with the yellow couch, which had been left at a Waukesha curb.”
one, that’s a lovely use of the word “trysting.” the thing about possessing an English degree is that you can truly appreciate this kind of thing. “human-furniture coupling” is also pretty inspired, but i give it a little less credit. two, you know i have to ask this: why not just fuck a couch you own? is this similar to the concept of hiring a prostitute (in this case, an abandoned yellow couch) to do the things your wife (in this case, whatever couches you own) simply will not do?
“As detailed in a misdemeanor criminal complaint charging Streator with lewd and lascivious behavior, Officer Ryan Edwards reported seeing “a subject leaning over the couch facing down and it looked like he was having sexual relations with someone on the couch.” The cop noted that he “could see the male’s hips thrusting up and down on the couch.””
well… okay… let’s try and think of a non-couch-fucking scenario that could have been going on here? practicing for when he hired a prostitute later? having wild, passionate sex with a GHOST PROSTITUTE?! you know, they say there are ghost prostitutes all over these alleys, you know.
“As he approached the couch, Edwards yelled, “What are you doing?” Streator, investigators allege, responded by jumping up and running away. As Streator fled, Edwards reported, he “could see that the defendant’s penis was erect. Edwards concluded that Streator “had been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.”
and i absolutely love the way this is so technically broken down: “when he fled the scene of what i believe to be a couch-fucking, i noticed his penis was erect, so i made the reasoned assumption that he had been fucking the couch in order to achieve sexual release.” well, OBVIOUSLY. why else would someone be fucking a couch if it wasn’t to attempt to sexually gratify yourself?
“It is unclear whether the reference to two cushions meant that the couch was, in fact, a love seat.”
well-played, writer of this article, whose name escapes my brief search for it, well-played.
“Edwards chased Streator to his apartment building, but the suspect “quickly pulled the door closed behind him.” He was arrested the following day at the hotel where he works.”
wait, what? they waited to arrest him the next day? they couldn’t, you know, KNOCK ON THE FUCKING DOOR and arrest him right then and there for couch-fucking? okay, i guess it’s not the kind of crime you kick in the door for, but still.