“or, in short, this is the universe saying to you, ‘FUCK YOU, BUDDY, FUCK YOU.'”

…and we’re back to the usual routine of “posting commentary on random news articles,” because i suspect we all get a little sad if i neglect doing this usual kid of update for long. worry no more!

James R. Irvine
James R. Irvine: not the classiest of pit bull owners, but on the plus side, at least he didn’t beat his dog into biting the kid

Palm Coast man accused of leaving pit bull to baby-sit infant

i have to be frank: this story was brought to my attention by my grandmother, who sometimes reports CRAZY versions of actual events to me, but in this case, she was entirely accurate:

“A Palm Coast man is accused of leaving a pit bull to baby-sit for a 10-month-old while he went to a local bar, according to a Flagler County sheriff’s report. James R. Irvine, 41, was arrested and charged with child neglect at 12:30 a.m. Saturday after the child’s mother reported that he left the infant alone while she was at work, the report states.”

this is where the Irishman would like me to mention that the pit bull terrier was once known as a “nanny dog,” loved and trusted to watch one’s young children, so THAT part of the story might be totally above-board. luckily for us, however, i doubt that the classy James Irvine is going to restrict his behavior to “leaving my 10-month-old child in the care of my cool dog.” there’s also a concern that the kind of idiot who leaves a child alone with a dog is not the kind of guy who does a great job training his dog, but we’ll leave that matter aside for right now.

“The mother, who is not named in the report, told deputies she left Irvine in charge of her son when she left for work on Nov. 30. She called several times before 11 p.m. with no answer, and the last time Irvine picked up the phone he told her “I’m watching the game” and hung up on her, according to the report.”

like i said, CLASSY. but this does make me wonder WHY this guy left his child home with the dog if he was at home watching the game. i mean, if you’re home watching the game, isn’t that the best possible time to be assigned to watch your child? you two can bond over the (presumably football) game together! unless you’re not so much watching the game as tragically drunk or something…

“The woman arrived home and found Irvine trying to get in the garage door, the report states. He eventually told her he had been “having a few drinks.””

ah. well, i suppose the vast majority of these stories can be explained with “so it turns out this gentleman was incredibly drunk,” so i probably a) shouldn’t be surprised by this development and b) should MAYBE get some new material for these updates, or at least some material with slight variations going on.

“Irvine told her he had not “left the baby alone,” according to the report, because the “pit bull was watching the baby.” The baby was in his bedroom with the door shut, the report states. “The dog was sitting outside the room, and the baby was crying,” a deputy reported. The mother checked on the baby, who was “wet and clearly hadn’t been changed in a while,” according to the report. Other conditions in the house, like cats shut in a room and cat food put up on the counter, were as though everyone would be “out for long periods of time.””

so i DO love the rules-lawyering “TECHNICALLY THE BABY WAS NOT ALONE” excuse; also, i suspect the baby was crying because he knew there was a cool dog right outside the room that he just could not get out there to play with! granted, i know the baby was wet and that MIGHT have had something to do with it, but as i recall it, the only times i cried as a child were the times i was banned from playing with a cool dog.

“Irvine refused to open the door, but told deputies “he had been on the couch all day and night watching TV,” according to the reports. Deputies then went to McCharacter’s on Palm Coast Parkway and spoke to a bartender who said she was familiar with Irvine and had waited on him about 9:30 p.m. She said that he was supposed to return to pay his tab, the report states.”

what i LOVE about these half-assed claims of innocence is that there is ALWAYS someone ready to bust them. first off, telling the police they can’t come in, but words words words is absolutely code for “you can’t come in because it will facilitate you busting the LIES LIES LIES i am about to tell you regarding my care of children.” second, that bartender who can absolutely identify you is NOT going to lie for you unless there’s some wonderful reason to do so, and there never is. third, “supposed to return to pay his tab?” James Irvine, you are a fucking moron begging for legal consequences.

fourth, the bar’s named McCharacter’s? i cannot tell if this is lame or awesome.

“She gave deputies a tab for $23.50 for a total of six beers, according to the report, and positively identified Irvine. Irvine was booked into the Flagler County Inmate Facility and later released on $1,500 bail.”

see, and again, WHY can’t these guys just stay home and save some money on the $24 worth of shitty beer they drank? go out, grab a six-pack and go home and watch the game and the kid at the same time. DONE AND DONE. but then it’s not like i’ve been in a position where some lady is asking me to watch our child. this is a decision i may never have to make.

Lynette Lee
this is clearly not the facial expression of a woman who is easy to satisfy, although one suspects she doesn’t have all the options she thinks she does

woman files false rape claim because she ‘didn’t enjoy it’

“A Clarksville woman has been charged after coming clean to police and admitting she lied about being raped.”

now, lying about rape is a really unfortunate action, and i’m not sure there’s a good reason to do such a thing. let’s examine what hers is:

“Police said Lynette Lee admitted to a Clarksville detective last week the rape claim she had made earlier in the month was false. She said she had only made the claim because she did not enjoy the date.”

well, that’s certainly something. but it does make me wonder if this is more “we went on a date and i felt the man was insufficiently romantic” or “we went on a date and there was sexual intercourse that i did not enjoy,” the former being more of a “i felt i was burned in this social exchange” and the latter more of a “i am going to need a man to eat some pussy occasionally.” i do not know which of these would actually be worse!

“On November 23, Lee had told police that after meeting up with a man she met online at Meetme.com, she and the man had gone back to a hotel together. According to a report, Lee said once at the hotel the man removed her clothes and, despite her protests, had sex with her. The suspect in the case was called in by Clarksville police and told officers he and Lee had been out on a date and engaged in consensual sex.”

and i really do feel bad for this guy. he probably doesn’t have a lot going for him, hence the reason he’s meeting up with a woman i will uncharitably call “not much of a looker” for some presumably awkward motel sex. i don’t say this to mock the man, i say this because he probably ALREADY didn’t feel great about himself. and then the lady goes and claims you RAPED her? jesus fucking christ.

“During a second interview with police on November 27, Lee told the detective she wanted to drop the entire case because it was a lie. Police said Lee told them she had lied about the incident “because she did not enjoy it and it was bad.””

…and then it comes out that the reason you were accused of (and thus almost charged with) rape was that you were BAD AT SEX. this is the universe saying to you, “hey, not only are we going to make it so that you’re forced to settle for only the chubbiest of ladies to chase, but we’re going to make them get so enraged at your clumsiest of attempts to sexually satisfy them that they attempt to have you charged with sexual assault.” or, in short, this is the universe saying to you, “FUCK YOU, BUDDY, FUCK YOU.”

and on that note, i am sad and thus done for the week. not much of an update but… it is what it is.

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