busted by a back tattoo of your own last name? finally, proof that the universe DOES contain justice

so, okay, not to be yet another person bagging on Florida because it is an easy source of truly RIDICULOUS material from which to draw comedy, but let’s face it, it’s been a little while since we made fun of news events that hail from the glorious Sunshine State, and when you really need something to turn to in order to make the updates happen… well, i think you see where i am going with this. enough of the forced opening! to the update!

Gregory Matthew Bruni
this is truly the face of inexplicable naked roof-based crime

Florida homeowners terrorized as naked man climbs onto their roof and acts ‘crazy’

so i like that in a title where a man is described as terrorizing people from their own roof WHILE NAKED, they STILL feel the need to put crazy in quotes as if the matter was really up for some debate. granted, i know there are certain conventions that need to be observed (such as when these reporters start throwing “allegedly” into everything), but you cannot tell me we HAD to have these quotes. i refuse to hear it! anyway, there’s also an article here:

“He was the ultimate unwelcome house guest.”

so here’s the thing: he certainly sounds like it. he probably is. but isn’t this kind of definitive label just going to encourage the next naked maniac in Florida to take it to a whole new objectionable level? because if so, i think the newspapers need to figure out if they’re going to be held at least partially liable for this kind of reckless talk.

“A traveling carnival worker gave a Florida couple the fright of their lives as he climbed onto the roof of their home, tried to swipe their TV, defecated and then masturbated before he was nabbed — and all while he was nude. The naked nutjob, Gregory Matthew Bruni, has been in the hospital since Monday night’s outlandish escapade, which could have ended up far worse, authorities said.”

and he’s a traveling carnival worker? THE PERFECT STORM OF CRAZY NAKED DUDE. but yes, authorities, everything in life could ALWAYS end up far worse, so when it doesn’t and things are just 113% bizarre, well, can’t you just let us enjoy it without trying to one-up everything emotionally? ah, authorities, you’re such a buzz-kill.

“The terror began just before 7 p.m., when Tony and LaDonna Land heard noise like thunder coming from the roof of their North Fort Myers home, according to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office arrest report. When Tony Land went outside to investigate, 21-year-old Bruni jumped from the roof above the garage and pounced on him, knocking him over.”

all the above being said, i DO think the phrase “the terror” might be a little bit much. that said, personally when i hear “noise like thunder,” it’s crows fucking around on my roof something like 100% of the time, and rushing outside to investigate (and yell, “break it up, assholes”) always seems to resolve it. although it’s probably less likely in my personal circumstances to have it turn out to be a crazy naked dude since, among other things, i don’t live in Florida. thank god for that!

“Bruni then bolted inside the home and tried to pull down the family’s 72-inch TV from its stand inside the living room, breaking the screen in the process. “Get the gun!” Tony Land yelled to his wife, according to the report. “Mrs. Land in fear for herself and her husband’s safety fired three rounds from her … .38 caliber revolver at Bruni, who was acting crazy in the living room,” the report said.”

because of COURSE you need a 72-inch television when you’re naked and probably high! that said, this illustrates some points about firearm ownership; namely, the good reason for people to home carry AND the fact that you cannot expect someone to snipe a naked crazy person like this was the movies. it doesn’t work that way! although i did read another version of this article which described it as Mrs. Land firing three “warning shots,” which seems to miss the point. doesn’t one of those serve as the warning? aren’t the other two less “warning shots” and more “indication that you’re not really going through with this armed self-defense thing shots?”

“Bruni allegedly pounded on the ceiling and walls before falling to the ground.”

and there’s the “allegedly!” success!

“Then, he began to masturbate — but apparently wasn’t satisfied. According to police, he ran into a bedroom belonging to the couple’s son, jumped onto the bed and began rubbing clothing on his face. (The son wasn’t accounted for in the report.)”

i can’t quite tell if the “apparently wasn’t satisfied” part is supposed to be a joke: it would be a solid one, but doesn’t that seem a LITTLE lowbrow for a newspaper article, even on the internet? anyway, i assume the son “wasn’t accounted for” because he simply wasn’t there? although i hope they gave him a heads-up about this event before he found out that all his clothes were rubbed on a naked, masturbating carnival worker by reading about it in the paper. that… might be a little harsh.

“LaDonna Land ran to call police while her husband grabbed his shotgun from the master bedroom. He ordered Bruni to stay down until deputies arrived. “I don’t know who the hell he is — he’s naked and he’s running in my damn house!” LaDonna Land said in a 911 call obtained by local media. “Lay down, mother f—er, lay down!” Tony Land can be heard screaming in the background.”

you know how people joke about cops swapping utterly awesome, utterly ridiculous 911 calls? if this isn’t one of them, it proves that legend to be completely false. anyway, i like the fact that after the series of .38-caliber warning shots proved entirely ineffective, Mr. Land upgraded to the shotgun, though again, i think we’re definitely at the point where if you’re not willing to just gun down the naked maniac, you’d better just run out into the yard and cower there in fear until the police arrive.

“Once deputies arrived, they said, Bruni was incoherent and flailing on the ground. At one point, he spilled water from a wet/dry vacuum, sucked it up with his mouth and then spit it out, the report said.”

USED water from a wet/dry vacuum? this is truly the drug-induced low point of this sordid tale.

“He also had to be Tased so that he wouldn’t run off. In a final, foul discovery, deputies said Bruni had defecated near the front door and the hallway when he first broke in.”

granted, finding out that a crazy person has shit all over your house IS a foul discovery. but at the same time, i have to respect the way Bruni has managed to continually up the ante: first a naked, crazy roof attack, THEN property theft, THEN masturbation, THEN drinking from a wet/dry vacuum, and finally, shitting all over the place. WHAT WILL HE DO NEXT and all that; it’s exciting! but still foul and requiring some emergency cleaning.

“Given his out-of-control behavior, he was taken to Lee Medical Hospital and has yet to be booked in the local jail, sheriff’s Lt. Larry King told the Daily News on Thursday.”

also, i should point this out: somehow, no one shot that guy. think about it: we’re in Florida, the homeowners produced not one, but TWO guns in trying to resolve the situation, and ultimately, the police were called. and yet somehow, the crazy ceiling-punching shit machine was not lawfully gunned down. and you know, despite the fact that i imagine this took an admirable level of restraint, i am actually somehow disappointed in Florida as a result.

“The Lands said they didn’t recognize Bruni, who was identified by a back tattoo of his last name. He lives in Venice, about 60 miles north of the Lands’ home. He was charged with two counts of criminal mischief and one count of battery, occupied burglary and obstructing/resisting an officer.”

wait, what was that again? “identified by a back tattoo of his last name.” seriously, THAT is the best part of this article. done in by the douchebag move of tattooing your own name on yourself! dear lord: please let it have been a humiliating tramp stamp tattoo as well. thy will be done.

“Amazingly, Bruni wasn’t initially found to be under the influence of a controlled substance, King said, although that status could change.”

this i assume is based on the concept that he was detained without being breathalyzed or otherwise tested for alcohol/drugs. but if he’s ultimately NOT found to have been under the influence of a controlled substance, then i think we need to get some aspect of his genetic makeup declared to be one.

all the above being said, it’s not like Florida is the only location in America filled with crazy people…

Gregory Matthew Bruni
this is truly the face of methamphetamine abuse. and thus, also the face of whatever crimes occur as a result, which apparently include “fucking a dog”

police: woman, pit bull had sex in yard

“A woman was arrested Tuesday on a charge of gross lewdness with a pit bull in her yard. Kara Vandereyk, 23, was booked after Las Vegas police officers, about 11 a.m., saw a woman having sex with a dog in the yard of a home in the 300 block of N. 16th St., near Bonanza Road and Bruce Street.”

so the thing is, whenever someone gets busted for having sex with an animal, it’s both really gross, for obvious reasons, and really sad, because you have to ask yourself WHY this person was fucking an animal. are they crazy? are they so lonely it all started to make sense somehow? is this one of those sad movie-plot scenarios where the person in question needs money SO BADLY for their drug habit that they agree to make a movie where they fuck a pit bull for a few dollars? sadly, though, the answer will never be made clear in one of these articles.

“Vandereyk was naked and on the ground when officers arrived, according to the arrest report. When Vandereyk noticed the officers, she said, “Hi,” and began touching the dog in a sexual way, the report said.”

yeah, that’s … subtle. so either we’re talking about someone with a severe drug problem or someone who doesn’t think that fucking a dog is illegal… which, according to the internet, is technically true in Nevada. thank you again, internet, for making me hate my fellow man today.

“Police said she appeared to be on drugs or mentally ill-“

some things go without saying when you bust someone FUCKING A DOG.

“-and she told the officers she has bipolar disorder. She didn’t know her name, the year or the name of the president, the report said.”

you know, this woman probably IS bipolar AND on drugs. but here’s the thing: if she’d answered with her name, the year and named the president, would you say, “alright, you’re cleared to fuck a dog out in your yard?” because i think i don’t think knowing who Barack Obama is gets you clearance to bang animals where the kids next door can see.

“The officers gave Vandereyk a blanket to cover her body and a neighbor later gave her clothing. She was taken to the Clark County jail.”

and somehow, THIS is the most inexplicable thing to me. could they not find clothing for her in her own house? they were RIGHT THERE.

“Animal control officers took the dog.”

the dog, of course, is truly the victim in all this.

and that… that’ll do it for this week. i’m going to go throw up until i cry now. not because of the mental image of dog-fucking, but because of the whole “back tattoo of your own last name” thing. still not over that.

as my life could have gone better if not for that grade i deserved, i am going to need your plan for compensating me financially

one of these days, we’re going to get to the point where finally getting around to hammering out several updates in a couple of days results in some kind of positive, successful feeling, but in order for that to happen, i think we have to do something along the lines of “not being so far behind on all these updates.” as always, we return to the (supposedly) fertile well of “news stories i read involving ridiculous shit.” here we go!

Megan Thode
well, my, don’t YOU look pleasant, Ms. Thode

Lehigh University student sues over grade, seeks $1.3 million

i know that i have spent a lot of time on the internet bashing people who seem to have unrealistic expectations about what life and/or society owe them, but i think what i need to figure out is what age range i am bashing. that said, this subject is 27, so she safety falls into the category of “kids who are younger than your hero janklow, and thus exposed to all that ‘the most important thing in life is self-esteem’ talk.” and she’s a prize:

“Megan Thode isn’t the first Lehigh University student who was unhappy with the grade she received in a course. But she may be the first to sue to get it changed. The C+ that Thode was given scuttled her dream of becoming a licensed professional counselor and was part of an effort to force her out of the graduate degree program she was pursuing, said her lawyer, Richard J. Orloski, whose lawsuit seeks $1.3 million in damages. Orloski said his client is the victim of breach of contract and sexual discrimination, and a civil trial began Monday before Northampton County Judge Emil Giordano over the claims. They’re nonsense, said Neil Hamburg, an attorney for Lehigh University.”

i’m sure we’ll break this down further, but i am immediately confused about:
–how one single PASSING grade kills your dream of working as “licensed professional counselor”;
–who actually dreams of being a “licensed professional counselor”;
–how the latter (part of an effort to force her out of the graduate degree program) is being sued over NOW (as opposed to when this happened) if she wasn’t, you know, forced out of the program.

also, i immediately agree with Neil Hamburg despite having not gotten into any of the specifics of this case. we continue!

“”I think if your honor changed the grade, you’d be the first court in the history of jurisprudence to change an academic grade,” Hamburg told Giordano. “I’ve practiced law for longer than I’d like to [admit],” Giordano said, “and I’ve never seen something like this.” But after a day of testimony, a settlement could be in the works, after Giordano called the lawyers into his chambers late Monday and they emerged to hold private discussions with their clients. They are slated to return to court Tuesday with the trial, if it continues, expected to stretch through the week.”

boy, i hope this case doesn’t end before we get some sassy commentary out of this judge. but i also don’t approve of the tone: a settlement in the works doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with this precious “day of testimony” if it’s being done purely as a move to save costs and times. let’s not rush to get on the Megan Thode bandwagon, people!

“Thode, the daughter of Lehigh finance professor Stephen Thode, was attending the Bethlehem school tuition-free in 2009 when she received the poor mark in her fieldwork class. But instead of working to address her failings, she “lawyered up” and demanded a better grade, Hamburg said. “She has to get through the program. She has to meet the academic standards,” Hamburg said. Thode, 27, of Nazareth, was enrolled in the College of Education in her second and final year of a master’s in counseling and human services. She needed a B to take the next course of her field work requirement.”

so, if i understand this correctly, her father WORKS for Lehigh (this cannot be good for his work relationship), she attended this school free of charge, and she sued to get a better grade? ugh. i always remember back to a professor i had who once told me of students of a student of his (wow, this is very complicated) who would angrily demand to have higher grades than they had received because they NEEDED them, no other reasons provided. i have to figure it was only a matter of time before that generation of self-entitled students started suing their instructors.

“Orloski said she would have received that grade but for the zero in classroom participation that she was awarded by her teacher, Amanda Carr. Orloski charged that Carr and Nicholas Ladany — the then-director of the degree program — conspired to hold Thode back because they were unhappy that she’d complained after she and three other students were forced to find a supplemental internship partway through the semester. Orloski also alleged that Carr was biased against Thode because Thode advocated for gay and lesbian rights — a claim Lehigh’s attorneys dismissed as baseless since Carr has a close family member who is a lesbian, and has counseled gay and lesbian people.”

and frankly, i’m distressed (to some extent) that Lehigh’s attorneys even have to argue that hard: Thode alleges a conspiracy that i doubt she can substantiate in ANY way (and i wonder what those other students would say) and then throws in the gay/lesbian thing, which seems like an incredible stretch and i can only assume came up on the grounds of “attempting to prove Carr is such a horrible person that no one could reasonably find for her in a court case without being the person that FOUND IN FAVOR OF HATING ALL THE GAYS.” i suppose it’s more realistic than saying “judge, read my papers and tell the school i deserve a better grade,” but still.

“Hamburg and Michael Sacks, another Lehigh lawyer, said that while Thode may have looked like a good student on paper, she was not ready to move on. They said Thode showed unprofessional behavior that included swearing in class and, on one occasion, having an outburst in which she began crying. After getting the C+, Thode unsuccessfully filed internal grievances over the grade, showed up for meetings with her father, and insisted that Carr give her a written apology and a “plan for compensating me financially,” Sacks said.”

…and i think this is where anyone who wanted to be as fair as possible to Thode checks out. ultimately, even if your professors are dicks, they’re deciding if you’re ready to move on or not. if they don’t, i suppose filing internal grievances IS the thing to do… but then having meetings where you bring your father, who cannot be there for any other reason than to provide peer/professional pressure? demanding not a correction, but a written apology? and financial compensation? get the fuck out of here with that talk.

and there’s another aspect to this “financial compensation” thing…

“With Thode on the witness stand Monday, Sacks underscored that Lehigh paid Thode’s freight — not just as a graduate student, but as an undergraduate at York College of Pennsylvania — because her father is a professor. Sacks also said the university set her up with jobs over the course of her attendance. “Even after you sued Lehigh, you were getting free tuition and working for Lehigh?” Sacks asked. “Yes,” Thode acknowledged.”

so again, she had paid nothing for her undergraduate education AND her graduate education. i understand that these are really perks for her father (as in, it’s got to be part of his compensation package that his child gets free education), but it also means that there’s zero financial loss to Thode over not getting the grades she wants. or is there?!

“Thode ended up graduating from Lehigh with a master’s degree in human development — which is also offered through the College of Education — and now works as a drug-and-alcohol counselor. The $1.3 million she is seeking represents the difference in her earning power over her career if she was instead a state-certified counselor, according to Orloski.”

…no. because she continued to attend and graduate from a school that i would think you would leave if it was so awful and unfair. and, oh, she wants the compensation because she could have earned more. or rather, because she’s 27 and recently graduated and thus cannot have earned so much money in her career that $1.3 million would be the difference between current earnings to date and POSSIBLE current earnings to date, she’s arguing this is FUTURE, UNEARNED money that her one C+ has fucked her out of. doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense to me, but then i am a guy without a graduate degree yelling about shit on the internet. my opinion may not carry that much weight.

“”She’s literally lost a career,” said Orloski, who told Giordano he has not researched whether other courts have ordered someone’s grade increased.”

no, LITERALLY losing a career would be working as this state-certified counselor –i remain very unclear as to why she can NEVER become a state-certified counselor, but whatever– and then having your job taken away. this is FIGURATIVELY losing a career that you never had for nebulous reasons you cannot really explain. but i do have some good news:

“The latest person to sue a university over a “bad” grade has failed to make her case. As the Allentown, Pa., Morning Call reports, “a Northampton County judge on Thursday rejected the claims of a Lehigh University graduate suing over her C+ grade, a verdict that upheld the school’s insistence that she earned the mark she got.””

the only part about that that makes me sad is the “latest person” part. THIS DAMN COUNTRY!

so let’s take this into more positive territory:

Great Horned Owl
unlike a honey badger, this great horned owl CLEARLY gives a fuck

owl freed from inside SUV

in the past, i think i wrote an update about two kids hitting a coyote going 75 miles per hour, driving eight more hours, and then finding the coyote alive and trapped inside their car. in a classic house of hate turn of events, we have a similar (some might call it “redundant”) series of events:

“An owl has been freed after it was found trapped behind the grille of a sport utility vehicle. When Sonji Coney Williams looked into the grille of her SUV, she noticed huge yellow eyes staring back at her. “I was about to faint,” said Williams. She found an owl stuck inside. On Thursday, she was heading south on the Florida Turnpike. “I was driving about 60 miles per hour, and he never moved, and so I said, ‘Oh, my God, I hit a bird,’ and I felt so bad, but it was very dark,” she said.”

small point: how do “i felt so bad” and “it was very dark” counter each other? is she saying she feels bad because she wouldn’t have hit the bird if it was more light out? because speaking as someone who has also hit a bird (not an owl, though, because i value my life), you don’t tend to hit them because it’s dark, you hit them because you cannot avoid the way they shoot out in front of your car. and if it’s about feeling bad… well, wouldn’t you feel bad regardless of the time of day because you’d killed the bird?

“Williams had no idea the bird she thought she hit was an owl. “I’ve never experienced anything like this before in my life,” said Williams.”

this… this is a little dramatic. i mean, okay, hitting an OWL is a little more exceptional than the average “killed an animal with my car” story, but really, “i’ve never experienced anything like this before in my life?” okay, one time i hit a bat with my car and initially thought it was a bird i’d killed, but it turned out the bat was alive. i took it home and fed it some chicken and it was fine the next day. now, alright, that’s kind of a weird story and it’s the only time i had to nurse a bat back to health, but i don’t think i would declare “i’ve never experienced anything like this before in my life!” although maybe that is just a matter of personal preference?

“The owl strike occurred not too far from Yeehaw Junction in Central Florida. It was not until Friday afternoon, while she was running errands, when Williams noticed the owl was stuck behind the grille of her SUV. “There was a family that pulled in front of my parking space and flagged me down and said, ‘Don’t move, don’t move, you have something in the grille of your car,’ and they said, ‘It’s an owl,'” she said.”

i am noting that the ability to call this accident an “owl strike” makes it sound INCREDIBLY more bad-ass.

“Williams immediately called Florida Fish and Wildlife. An officer showed up, popped the hood of her vehicle open and freed the owl.”

YOUR GOVERNMENT AT WORK, PEOPLE. i mean it, the guy showed up promptly and did his job. sorry if it sounded sarcastic.

“The owl is a Great Horned Owl, which are common in Central Florida. The officer said the owl appears to be in good shape and suffered no injuries.”

and goddamnit, how are these animals getting so NOT injured when cars crash into them? i mean, okay, i grant that owls have some high-level weird powers due to their feathers and wings and all that, but i was not aware that these powers extended to “immunity from car crashes.” if so, we’re going to need to get some of these automotive companies to start investigating them in the way scientists are always obsessing over the possible powers of spider silk.

Chris Brown: taking the crown from Sean Penn for most punchable face in America in 2013

as always, when confronted with the severe lack of an update, the best solution may be to resort to ripping on the news. i have often gone this route in the past, and i suppose we won’t be making any severe changes in 2013, although i guess we COULD always resort to “a series of legitimately-created updates containing actual original material.” that might, however, be a violation of some kind of house of hate mission statement. i’ll make it a point to look into that; in the meantime, here we go:

Chris Brown, still being a terrible person
like a fine wine, Chris Brown’s face-punchability only gets better with age

Chris Brown likely faked community service, D.A. says

on the one hand, you’d think a guy like Chris Brown, with the legions of “haters” and the massive public profile/legal issues, would exhibit better sense when it came to matters like “actually performing his community service.” on the other hand, you’d have to remember how this “most punchable face” candidate seems to angrily and aggressive just not give a shit when it comes to looking like a decent human being. so i’m disappointed and disgusted and all that, but not SURPRISED. granted, i’m not necessary surprised by anything in America in 2013, but sometimes it’s nice to sit back and realize just how unsurprising you find reprehensible things.

“Singer Chris Brown likely faked his community service hours and has given no “credible, competent or verifiable” evidence that he has completed any of his court-ordered community labor, Los Angeles County Dist. Atty. Jackie Lacey said Tuesday. Prosecutors noted “significant discrepancies” and are asking that a judge order Brown to fulfill his obligation in Los Angeles County in connection to terms of his 2009 sentence for assaulting his girlfriend, singer Rihanna. In a 19-page motion filed by Deputy Dist. Atty. Mary Murray, the judge was asked to decline to accept Brown’s community service due to “at best sloppy documentation and at worst fraudulent reporting. The district attorney did not ask a judge to find Brown in violation of his probation. If he does not fulfill the obligation, he could be sent to jail.”

we’ll come back to that “significant discrepancies” thing in a little bit, but again, we’re talking about not getting your act together after around THREE YEARS when you got off lightly for beating the shit out of your world-famous girlfriend. and wait, what’s that about why they want him to fulfill his obligation in the place where he lives and committed the crime?

“In August 2009, Brown pleaded no contest to a felony battery charge in connection to an altercation with Rihanna a day before the Grammy Awards. He was sentenced to a year-long domestic violence class, five years probation and ordered to serve more than 180 days of labor-oriented community service. Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg allowed Brown to perform his community service in Virginia, where he maintains a residence.”

ah, yes, despite the fact that he committed this crime in LA, we’ll let him fulfill it “where he maintains a residence,” which is also where he’s from and undoubtedly has many friends/family/paid sycophants who can help him work all this out. oh, and which is a service i doubt would be offered to people not as famous as Chris Brown. but, okay, it was at least a reasonable theory until this current point when it turns out that everything was fraudulent, right?

“Last fall, Brown tested positive for marijuana use while in Virginia. Schnegg revealed the test result during a September hearing, but took no action. She noted that he still had to perform 120 hours of his community service. His attorney, Mark Geragos, said at the time that Brown had finished all 1,400 hours. Brown was in the news again recently when he allegedly assaulted singer Frank Ocean during a skirmish over a parking spot. Prosecutors did not file charges against Brown because Ocean did not want to pursue the case.”

and yes, you can apparently fail your mandatory drug tests and assault people and it’s not really a big deal either. it must be nice! but let’s not dwell on how Chris Brown somehow still gets some severe benefits in this country (the answer to that mystery is “the almighty dollar”). let’s instead look at the community service.

Chris Brown, STILL being a terrible person
i honestly cannot figure out why he would have this look of concern; society has given him no reason to date to sport one

so Brown had a lot of it to fulfill (1400 hours) and yet doesn’t seem to have been able to handle that. we had a local politician around here try to play the same games (shout out to Tiffany Alston), so it’s not really something unique to Brown, but what MIGHT be is looking at how egregious some of his discrepancies seem to have been. LA County seems to break it down into several areas of contention: accounting of hours is inconsistent, unsubstantiated and unverifiable; neither the Virginia Probation Department or the Richmond Police Department supervised it; the claimed “labor” was not “community” labor or performed in his county of residence; and that Brown could not have performed the labor because he wasn’t physically present.

i will let others pick out some of the choice discrepancies:

“On October 23, 2010, Chris Brown picked up trash for eight hours in Richmond Virginia while in Washington, D.C.
On March 15, 2012, Chris Brown picked up trash for eight hours while on a private jet headed to Cancun.
On December 12, 2011, at 6:44 a.m., Homeland Security records show that Chris Brown’s passport was cleared at Dulles Airport outside D.C. (He had just flown in from Dubai.) Beginning at 9 a.m., Chris Brown picked up trash for eight hours in the same one block area in Richmond.

Richmond is approximately 120 miles from Dulles airport. It would be unreasonable to believe that after a 12-13 hour flight, the Defendant rushed through Customs and the Washington D.C. early morning rush hour traffic, traveled directly to Richmond in just over two hours, and then worked eight straight hours picking up trash in a one block area.”

and frankly, stuff like this is inexcusable both in terms of “why the fuck couldn’t you do your goddamn community service” AND “what kind of idiots do you have working for you that are supposed to be falsifying this stuff for you?” granted, the true problem is going to be something along the lines of “actively not giving a shit about the community service makes for a schedule that leaves no room to fit fake community service into,” and that’s always going to be rough to work around. but he can’t stay at home and smoke weed and bang the ex-slash-current girlfriend that he beat up to allow for that time? come on, Chris Brown. i guess when your public image can’t be damaged further, it doesn’t matter about repairing it through community service.

“On November 8, 2011, the Richmond police department reported that Brown had completed “103 days of community labor” — the equivalent of 824 hours. On February 8, 2012, the Richmond police department reported that Brown had “completed 701 hours of community labor thus far,” indicating that, in the three intervening months, Chris Brown had invented a time machine, traveled back to 2011, and un-picked up trash for 123 hours. Although the corrections office of the Richmond, VA police department accepted supervision of Chris Brown, “no one from that Department ever approved, scheduled, supervised, monitored, or verified any of the community labor reported to this Court.” In other words, every once in a while, Chris Brown would inform the police that he had performed some community service, and the police would write that down.”

far be it from me to bash my neighbors to the south, but i guess it’s fair to say there aren’t a lot of math whizzes working for the Richmond police department. i also don’t know if all this had anything to do with why the former head of the Richmond police department (Bryan Norwood) suddenly resigned, but who knows?

“According to the police documentation, Chris Brown completed more than 500 hours of community service at the Tappahannock Children’s Center (where his mother used to serve as director), located an hour outside of Brown’s Richmond “community.” Brown’s set-up at the children’s center can best described as “Shoemaker and the Elves”-esque: all his work stripping, cleaning, and waxing the floors was allegedly performed after hours, under the supervision of his mother, who would let him in with her old set of keys. Ida Minter, the Center’s new director, told investigators that every once in a while she would arrive at work to discover the floors had been magically cleaned, stripped, and waxed by a terrifying, angry elf. On these occasions, she would cancel the regularly scheduled floor maintenance, but pay the maintenance man anyway.”

this is ridiculous because of his mother’s connection (granted, it’s not impossible you’d do community service in a way that relates to your mother’s former employment, but it IS suspicious) and because of the concept of Chris “Fucking” Brown showing up at midnight to wax floors: even if it didn’t seem to be designed to let Brown fake it, or just not do it at all, even if he WAS doing it, who would approve of those hours when there’s supposed to be a pretense of monitoring the community service? however, despite all of our INTERNET OUTRAGE, it did inadvertently lead to the best factually observation of this entire depressing litany of shamelessness:

“The maintenance man told investigators that the floors had never been cleaned by anyone other than him, and that he never accepted payment for work he didn’t perform. He says that the director never canceled regularly scheduled floor maintenance.
Then this:
Shortly after speaking with the Investigators, [the maintenance man] was contacted by Ms. Minter. Ms. Minter attempted to tell him how to answer questions the Investigators may have about the Defendant’s work at the center. He told Ms. Minter he would not lie to anyone about anything.”

that maintenance man, in addition to being a surprise source of comedy gold, is my fucking hero. but we ultimately return to the math problems:

“In a letter dated September 14, 2012, Chief Bryan Norwood of the Richmond police signed a letter stating that, as of August 24, Chris Brown had completed 202 days (1616 hours) of labor. Brown’s official spreadsheets claim only 162 days (1402 hours) of labor.
Even if it were reliable, the spreadsheet does not satisfy the Court ordered 180 days, or 1440 hours, of community labor.”

ah, there’s that Bryan Norwood signing off on things again! but that’s the best part: “even if it were reliable.” again, i know i sound like a broken record, but i cannot understand why someone with Brown’s resources and visibility wouldn’t just get this stuff done. then again, i also don’t know why someone would beat the shit out of their girlfriend in their car prior to an award show, so maybe i just don’t live the kind of lifestyle that would make this all make sense?

thus ends Chris Brown Chat for the week. next week? maybe some different outrage.

in which i steal Bruce McCullough’s idea and relate it to people who just don’t know how to act with their trucks and their conversations

so, time to do this thing again: the good old house of hate “open letter to (insert group here).” now, i admit i am, as always, way behind on my updates. the “dates” these things get published are almost 100% fiction at this point. but to be clear, don’t think i am running with this because i am trying to catch up: these things happened, your hero (that would still be janklow at this point) got TOTALLY OUTRAGED, and thus the internet must be informed. so, without any further delay or unnecessary introduction, we should get right to it, no?

and now, janklow with an open letter to the people who have been seriously out of line regarding the use of their trucks and how they chat recently.

giant trucks, parking like jerks
fuck you, people who drive and park poorly with their trucks, fuck you

well, why did you do it? are you some sort of jerk or something? do you not understand how to park your cars like reasonable people? do you not understand how to drive them like responsible adults? and do you not understand where and how to have a chat about long-winded, emotional matters? do you not know that we’re living in a society? and that we’re supposed to act in a civilized way?

so let’s talk about a couple of things:

what the fuck are you people doing with your trucks

now, i know we’ve all been in that situation where you’re trying to park and you see some guy’s EXCESSIVE pick-up taking up two or three spaces and you think, “man, who the hell does this guy think he is?” while this is incredibly rude, and while i will never truly understand why someone wants to park in a public place with a massive truck, on some level i can understand that MAYBE you have this truck for legitimately reasons and MAYBE you can’t afford multiple cars and MAYBE this means you have to take that giant truck when you want to go out to dinner or to the movies or whatever else you’re doing. FINE. i will come to terms with this. but i have two remaining issues:

one, there’s an intersection where i work that’s on the way out, which means it sees a fair amount of cross traffic; if nothing else, this means one would like to be able to see both ways to avoid getting mashed in my tiny little compact car. and yet, at least two of the guys who work in the building near this intersection have been parking alongside this intersection in a way that obstructs one’s view because they drive MASSIVE GODDAMN TRUCKS. now, i don’t know why they park on the road as opposed to in their parking area; this concept alone does not sadden me. but there’s plenty of roadside parking near this facility that’s not RIGHT NEXT TO THE INTERSECTION. this is just unacceptable.

two, one day after i drive home after another day of dodging those trucks, i pull up at a local intersection that’s notorious for the number of accidents that occur there (per capita, at least). it’s one where there’s a turn lane on the right hand side that’s meant for people to turn without stopping for the majority of traffic, but which, as we all know, is primarily used by people who want to zoom ahead of their fellow man. this particular day, though, it’s not the average car or SUV, but rather a MASSIVE GODDAMN TRUCK … that’s hauling a fucking giant trailer. A TRAILER. do i need to break down how absolutely inconsiderate this is to everyone who’s trying to drive like normal? fuck that guy.

how the fuck you people are having your conversations these days

so i’m stopping to fill my car with gasoline (and presumably asking myself how i shall be getting INCREDIBLY OUTRAGED today), and upon walking into the station, i realize that i find myself running the gauntlet of four or five men who have stationed themselves on both sides of the entrance, and are having some kind of emotional meeting. while i would like to say that i respect their ill-advised decision to have an emotional meeting in a gas station, i would really prefer if people could do so in a manner that doesn’t force me (or anyone else) to run through the midst of a crowd of middle-aged men talking breathlessly. i honestly don’t think that is THAT much to ask. but maybe that’s just me?

now i do understand that sometimes you have a spontaneous meeting in public that evolves into an impromptu conversation that takes a surprising amount of time, but typically, considerate people nudge that conversation out of the way of everyone else. further (and as i said on the internet prior to this), if they were having some kind of conversation about Serious Business (for example, discussing which of their team of Bad Enough Dudes was going to rescue the president), i’d be fine with it, but this looked like it was going to break out into uncontrollable sobbing within the next ten minutes.

WHEW. i feel better. also, things that have nothing to do with this…

Savage 110

like i always say, it’s not a Super Bowl party until someone sells you a rifle. i suppose, what with all the recent legislation, that i should just embrace the scoped, deer rifle thing all the fudds have going on. so here we go! this will, of course, last until i get something cooler.