Chris Brown: taking the crown from Sean Penn for most punchable face in America in 2013

as always, when confronted with the severe lack of an update, the best solution may be to resort to ripping on the news. i have often gone this route in the past, and i suppose we won’t be making any severe changes in 2013, although i guess we COULD always resort to “a series of legitimately-created updates containing actual original material.” that might, however, be a violation of some kind of house of hate mission statement. i’ll make it a point to look into that; in the meantime, here we go:

Chris Brown, still being a terrible person
like a fine wine, Chris Brown’s face-punchability only gets better with age

Chris Brown likely faked community service, D.A. says

on the one hand, you’d think a guy like Chris Brown, with the legions of “haters” and the massive public profile/legal issues, would exhibit better sense when it came to matters like “actually performing his community service.” on the other hand, you’d have to remember how this “most punchable face” candidate seems to angrily and aggressive just not give a shit when it comes to looking like a decent human being. so i’m disappointed and disgusted and all that, but not SURPRISED. granted, i’m not necessary surprised by anything in America in 2013, but sometimes it’s nice to sit back and realize just how unsurprising you find reprehensible things.

“Singer Chris Brown likely faked his community service hours and has given no “credible, competent or verifiable” evidence that he has completed any of his court-ordered community labor, Los Angeles County Dist. Atty. Jackie Lacey said Tuesday. Prosecutors noted “significant discrepancies” and are asking that a judge order Brown to fulfill his obligation in Los Angeles County in connection to terms of his 2009 sentence for assaulting his girlfriend, singer Rihanna. In a 19-page motion filed by Deputy Dist. Atty. Mary Murray, the judge was asked to decline to accept Brown’s community service due to “at best sloppy documentation and at worst fraudulent reporting. The district attorney did not ask a judge to find Brown in violation of his probation. If he does not fulfill the obligation, he could be sent to jail.”

we’ll come back to that “significant discrepancies” thing in a little bit, but again, we’re talking about not getting your act together after around THREE YEARS when you got off lightly for beating the shit out of your world-famous girlfriend. and wait, what’s that about why they want him to fulfill his obligation in the place where he lives and committed the crime?

“In August 2009, Brown pleaded no contest to a felony battery charge in connection to an altercation with Rihanna a day before the Grammy Awards. He was sentenced to a year-long domestic violence class, five years probation and ordered to serve more than 180 days of labor-oriented community service. Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg allowed Brown to perform his community service in Virginia, where he maintains a residence.”

ah, yes, despite the fact that he committed this crime in LA, we’ll let him fulfill it “where he maintains a residence,” which is also where he’s from and undoubtedly has many friends/family/paid sycophants who can help him work all this out. oh, and which is a service i doubt would be offered to people not as famous as Chris Brown. but, okay, it was at least a reasonable theory until this current point when it turns out that everything was fraudulent, right?

“Last fall, Brown tested positive for marijuana use while in Virginia. Schnegg revealed the test result during a September hearing, but took no action. She noted that he still had to perform 120 hours of his community service. His attorney, Mark Geragos, said at the time that Brown had finished all 1,400 hours. Brown was in the news again recently when he allegedly assaulted singer Frank Ocean during a skirmish over a parking spot. Prosecutors did not file charges against Brown because Ocean did not want to pursue the case.”

and yes, you can apparently fail your mandatory drug tests and assault people and it’s not really a big deal either. it must be nice! but let’s not dwell on how Chris Brown somehow still gets some severe benefits in this country (the answer to that mystery is “the almighty dollar”). let’s instead look at the community service.

Chris Brown, STILL being a terrible person
i honestly cannot figure out why he would have this look of concern; society has given him no reason to date to sport one

so Brown had a lot of it to fulfill (1400 hours) and yet doesn’t seem to have been able to handle that. we had a local politician around here try to play the same games (shout out to Tiffany Alston), so it’s not really something unique to Brown, but what MIGHT be is looking at how egregious some of his discrepancies seem to have been. LA County seems to break it down into several areas of contention: accounting of hours is inconsistent, unsubstantiated and unverifiable; neither the Virginia Probation Department or the Richmond Police Department supervised it; the claimed “labor” was not “community” labor or performed in his county of residence; and that Brown could not have performed the labor because he wasn’t physically present.

i will let others pick out some of the choice discrepancies:

“On October 23, 2010, Chris Brown picked up trash for eight hours in Richmond Virginia while in Washington, D.C.
On March 15, 2012, Chris Brown picked up trash for eight hours while on a private jet headed to Cancun.
On December 12, 2011, at 6:44 a.m., Homeland Security records show that Chris Brown’s passport was cleared at Dulles Airport outside D.C. (He had just flown in from Dubai.) Beginning at 9 a.m., Chris Brown picked up trash for eight hours in the same one block area in Richmond.

Richmond is approximately 120 miles from Dulles airport. It would be unreasonable to believe that after a 12-13 hour flight, the Defendant rushed through Customs and the Washington D.C. early morning rush hour traffic, traveled directly to Richmond in just over two hours, and then worked eight straight hours picking up trash in a one block area.”

and frankly, stuff like this is inexcusable both in terms of “why the fuck couldn’t you do your goddamn community service” AND “what kind of idiots do you have working for you that are supposed to be falsifying this stuff for you?” granted, the true problem is going to be something along the lines of “actively not giving a shit about the community service makes for a schedule that leaves no room to fit fake community service into,” and that’s always going to be rough to work around. but he can’t stay at home and smoke weed and bang the ex-slash-current girlfriend that he beat up to allow for that time? come on, Chris Brown. i guess when your public image can’t be damaged further, it doesn’t matter about repairing it through community service.

“On November 8, 2011, the Richmond police department reported that Brown had completed “103 days of community labor” — the equivalent of 824 hours. On February 8, 2012, the Richmond police department reported that Brown had “completed 701 hours of community labor thus far,” indicating that, in the three intervening months, Chris Brown had invented a time machine, traveled back to 2011, and un-picked up trash for 123 hours. Although the corrections office of the Richmond, VA police department accepted supervision of Chris Brown, “no one from that Department ever approved, scheduled, supervised, monitored, or verified any of the community labor reported to this Court.” In other words, every once in a while, Chris Brown would inform the police that he had performed some community service, and the police would write that down.”

far be it from me to bash my neighbors to the south, but i guess it’s fair to say there aren’t a lot of math whizzes working for the Richmond police department. i also don’t know if all this had anything to do with why the former head of the Richmond police department (Bryan Norwood) suddenly resigned, but who knows?

“According to the police documentation, Chris Brown completed more than 500 hours of community service at the Tappahannock Children’s Center (where his mother used to serve as director), located an hour outside of Brown’s Richmond “community.” Brown’s set-up at the children’s center can best described as “Shoemaker and the Elves”-esque: all his work stripping, cleaning, and waxing the floors was allegedly performed after hours, under the supervision of his mother, who would let him in with her old set of keys. Ida Minter, the Center’s new director, told investigators that every once in a while she would arrive at work to discover the floors had been magically cleaned, stripped, and waxed by a terrifying, angry elf. On these occasions, she would cancel the regularly scheduled floor maintenance, but pay the maintenance man anyway.”

this is ridiculous because of his mother’s connection (granted, it’s not impossible you’d do community service in a way that relates to your mother’s former employment, but it IS suspicious) and because of the concept of Chris “Fucking” Brown showing up at midnight to wax floors: even if it didn’t seem to be designed to let Brown fake it, or just not do it at all, even if he WAS doing it, who would approve of those hours when there’s supposed to be a pretense of monitoring the community service? however, despite all of our INTERNET OUTRAGE, it did inadvertently lead to the best factually observation of this entire depressing litany of shamelessness:

“The maintenance man told investigators that the floors had never been cleaned by anyone other than him, and that he never accepted payment for work he didn’t perform. He says that the director never canceled regularly scheduled floor maintenance.
Then this:
Shortly after speaking with the Investigators, [the maintenance man] was contacted by Ms. Minter. Ms. Minter attempted to tell him how to answer questions the Investigators may have about the Defendant’s work at the center. He told Ms. Minter he would not lie to anyone about anything.”

that maintenance man, in addition to being a surprise source of comedy gold, is my fucking hero. but we ultimately return to the math problems:

“In a letter dated September 14, 2012, Chief Bryan Norwood of the Richmond police signed a letter stating that, as of August 24, Chris Brown had completed 202 days (1616 hours) of labor. Brown’s official spreadsheets claim only 162 days (1402 hours) of labor.
Even if it were reliable, the spreadsheet does not satisfy the Court ordered 180 days, or 1440 hours, of community labor.”

ah, there’s that Bryan Norwood signing off on things again! but that’s the best part: “even if it were reliable.” again, i know i sound like a broken record, but i cannot understand why someone with Brown’s resources and visibility wouldn’t just get this stuff done. then again, i also don’t know why someone would beat the shit out of their girlfriend in their car prior to an award show, so maybe i just don’t live the kind of lifestyle that would make this all make sense?

thus ends Chris Brown Chat for the week. next week? maybe some different outrage.

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