busted by a back tattoo of your own last name? finally, proof that the universe DOES contain justice

so, okay, not to be yet another person bagging on Florida because it is an easy source of truly RIDICULOUS material from which to draw comedy, but let’s face it, it’s been a little while since we made fun of news events that hail from the glorious Sunshine State, and when you really need something to turn to in order to make the updates happen… well, i think you see where i am going with this. enough of the forced opening! to the update!

Gregory Matthew Bruni
this is truly the face of inexplicable naked roof-based crime

Florida homeowners terrorized as naked man climbs onto their roof and acts ‘crazy’

so i like that in a title where a man is described as terrorizing people from their own roof WHILE NAKED, they STILL feel the need to put crazy in quotes as if the matter was really up for some debate. granted, i know there are certain conventions that need to be observed (such as when these reporters start throwing “allegedly” into everything), but you cannot tell me we HAD to have these quotes. i refuse to hear it! anyway, there’s also an article here:

“He was the ultimate unwelcome house guest.”

so here’s the thing: he certainly sounds like it. he probably is. but isn’t this kind of definitive label just going to encourage the next naked maniac in Florida to take it to a whole new objectionable level? because if so, i think the newspapers need to figure out if they’re going to be held at least partially liable for this kind of reckless talk.

“A traveling carnival worker gave a Florida couple the fright of their lives as he climbed onto the roof of their home, tried to swipe their TV, defecated and then masturbated before he was nabbed — and all while he was nude. The naked nutjob, Gregory Matthew Bruni, has been in the hospital since Monday night’s outlandish escapade, which could have ended up far worse, authorities said.”

and he’s a traveling carnival worker? THE PERFECT STORM OF CRAZY NAKED DUDE. but yes, authorities, everything in life could ALWAYS end up far worse, so when it doesn’t and things are just 113% bizarre, well, can’t you just let us enjoy it without trying to one-up everything emotionally? ah, authorities, you’re such a buzz-kill.

“The terror began just before 7 p.m., when Tony and LaDonna Land heard noise like thunder coming from the roof of their North Fort Myers home, according to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office arrest report. When Tony Land went outside to investigate, 21-year-old Bruni jumped from the roof above the garage and pounced on him, knocking him over.”

all the above being said, i DO think the phrase “the terror” might be a little bit much. that said, personally when i hear “noise like thunder,” it’s crows fucking around on my roof something like 100% of the time, and rushing outside to investigate (and yell, “break it up, assholes”) always seems to resolve it. although it’s probably less likely in my personal circumstances to have it turn out to be a crazy naked dude since, among other things, i don’t live in Florida. thank god for that!

“Bruni then bolted inside the home and tried to pull down the family’s 72-inch TV from its stand inside the living room, breaking the screen in the process. “Get the gun!” Tony Land yelled to his wife, according to the report. “Mrs. Land in fear for herself and her husband’s safety fired three rounds from her … .38 caliber revolver at Bruni, who was acting crazy in the living room,” the report said.”

because of COURSE you need a 72-inch television when you’re naked and probably high! that said, this illustrates some points about firearm ownership; namely, the good reason for people to home carry AND the fact that you cannot expect someone to snipe a naked crazy person like this was the movies. it doesn’t work that way! although i did read another version of this article which described it as Mrs. Land firing three “warning shots,” which seems to miss the point. doesn’t one of those serve as the warning? aren’t the other two less “warning shots” and more “indication that you’re not really going through with this armed self-defense thing shots?”

“Bruni allegedly pounded on the ceiling and walls before falling to the ground.”

and there’s the “allegedly!” success!

“Then, he began to masturbate — but apparently wasn’t satisfied. According to police, he ran into a bedroom belonging to the couple’s son, jumped onto the bed and began rubbing clothing on his face. (The son wasn’t accounted for in the report.)”

i can’t quite tell if the “apparently wasn’t satisfied” part is supposed to be a joke: it would be a solid one, but doesn’t that seem a LITTLE lowbrow for a newspaper article, even on the internet? anyway, i assume the son “wasn’t accounted for” because he simply wasn’t there? although i hope they gave him a heads-up about this event before he found out that all his clothes were rubbed on a naked, masturbating carnival worker by reading about it in the paper. that… might be a little harsh.

“LaDonna Land ran to call police while her husband grabbed his shotgun from the master bedroom. He ordered Bruni to stay down until deputies arrived. “I don’t know who the hell he is — he’s naked and he’s running in my damn house!” LaDonna Land said in a 911 call obtained by local media. “Lay down, mother f—er, lay down!” Tony Land can be heard screaming in the background.”

you know how people joke about cops swapping utterly awesome, utterly ridiculous 911 calls? if this isn’t one of them, it proves that legend to be completely false. anyway, i like the fact that after the series of .38-caliber warning shots proved entirely ineffective, Mr. Land upgraded to the shotgun, though again, i think we’re definitely at the point where if you’re not willing to just gun down the naked maniac, you’d better just run out into the yard and cower there in fear until the police arrive.

“Once deputies arrived, they said, Bruni was incoherent and flailing on the ground. At one point, he spilled water from a wet/dry vacuum, sucked it up with his mouth and then spit it out, the report said.”

USED water from a wet/dry vacuum? this is truly the drug-induced low point of this sordid tale.

“He also had to be Tased so that he wouldn’t run off. In a final, foul discovery, deputies said Bruni had defecated near the front door and the hallway when he first broke in.”

granted, finding out that a crazy person has shit all over your house IS a foul discovery. but at the same time, i have to respect the way Bruni has managed to continually up the ante: first a naked, crazy roof attack, THEN property theft, THEN masturbation, THEN drinking from a wet/dry vacuum, and finally, shitting all over the place. WHAT WILL HE DO NEXT and all that; it’s exciting! but still foul and requiring some emergency cleaning.

“Given his out-of-control behavior, he was taken to Lee Medical Hospital and has yet to be booked in the local jail, sheriff’s Lt. Larry King told the Daily News on Thursday.”

also, i should point this out: somehow, no one shot that guy. think about it: we’re in Florida, the homeowners produced not one, but TWO guns in trying to resolve the situation, and ultimately, the police were called. and yet somehow, the crazy ceiling-punching shit machine was not lawfully gunned down. and you know, despite the fact that i imagine this took an admirable level of restraint, i am actually somehow disappointed in Florida as a result.

“The Lands said they didn’t recognize Bruni, who was identified by a back tattoo of his last name. He lives in Venice, about 60 miles north of the Lands’ home. He was charged with two counts of criminal mischief and one count of battery, occupied burglary and obstructing/resisting an officer.”

wait, what was that again? “identified by a back tattoo of his last name.” seriously, THAT is the best part of this article. done in by the douchebag move of tattooing your own name on yourself! dear lord: please let it have been a humiliating tramp stamp tattoo as well. thy will be done.

“Amazingly, Bruni wasn’t initially found to be under the influence of a controlled substance, King said, although that status could change.”

this i assume is based on the concept that he was detained without being breathalyzed or otherwise tested for alcohol/drugs. but if he’s ultimately NOT found to have been under the influence of a controlled substance, then i think we need to get some aspect of his genetic makeup declared to be one.

all the above being said, it’s not like Florida is the only location in America filled with crazy people…

Gregory Matthew Bruni
this is truly the face of methamphetamine abuse. and thus, also the face of whatever crimes occur as a result, which apparently include “fucking a dog”

police: woman, pit bull had sex in yard

“A woman was arrested Tuesday on a charge of gross lewdness with a pit bull in her yard. Kara Vandereyk, 23, was booked after Las Vegas police officers, about 11 a.m., saw a woman having sex with a dog in the yard of a home in the 300 block of N. 16th St., near Bonanza Road and Bruce Street.”

so the thing is, whenever someone gets busted for having sex with an animal, it’s both really gross, for obvious reasons, and really sad, because you have to ask yourself WHY this person was fucking an animal. are they crazy? are they so lonely it all started to make sense somehow? is this one of those sad movie-plot scenarios where the person in question needs money SO BADLY for their drug habit that they agree to make a movie where they fuck a pit bull for a few dollars? sadly, though, the answer will never be made clear in one of these articles.

“Vandereyk was naked and on the ground when officers arrived, according to the arrest report. When Vandereyk noticed the officers, she said, “Hi,” and began touching the dog in a sexual way, the report said.”

yeah, that’s … subtle. so either we’re talking about someone with a severe drug problem or someone who doesn’t think that fucking a dog is illegal… which, according to the internet, is technically true in Nevada. thank you again, internet, for making me hate my fellow man today.

“Police said she appeared to be on drugs or mentally ill-“

some things go without saying when you bust someone FUCKING A DOG.

“-and she told the officers she has bipolar disorder. She didn’t know her name, the year or the name of the president, the report said.”

you know, this woman probably IS bipolar AND on drugs. but here’s the thing: if she’d answered with her name, the year and named the president, would you say, “alright, you’re cleared to fuck a dog out in your yard?” because i think i don’t think knowing who Barack Obama is gets you clearance to bang animals where the kids next door can see.

“The officers gave Vandereyk a blanket to cover her body and a neighbor later gave her clothing. She was taken to the Clark County jail.”

and somehow, THIS is the most inexplicable thing to me. could they not find clothing for her in her own house? they were RIGHT THERE.

“Animal control officers took the dog.”

the dog, of course, is truly the victim in all this.

and that… that’ll do it for this week. i’m going to go throw up until i cry now. not because of the mental image of dog-fucking, but because of the whole “back tattoo of your own last name” thing. still not over that.

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