making a horseman baby: never a really good idea under any circumstance

once again, we return to the well of “news articles regarding people making very poor life decisions for whatever reason(s)”; only time will tell if this gambit will be as successful as it always is. alone, since “as it always is” is sort of more about filling space than accomplishing some great feat(s) of comedy, i think we’ll be okay.

Andrew Mendoza
unfortunately, there were not a lot of great photos out there of this horse rapist; no one is entirely sure as to why that is

A Suspect Should Never Waive His Rights And Tell The Cops, “I Was Trying To Make The Horse Have A Baby.”

part of the problem with this title is that it gives away the absolute best part of this tale, but on the other hand, given the events in question, i suppose there isn’t much you can do to dance around them.

“When it comes to post-arrest statements, the admissions made by a Texas man busted for having sex with a horse are a good reminder why suspects should take advantage of their right to remain silent.”

a fair point… but if we’re going to ask suspects to make good life decisions, we should really probably start by reminding them to not fuck other people’s horses. if you can accomplish that, there might be no need for them to remember to remain silent. i mean, as long as we’re talking about wishes that are unlikely to come true and all.

“In a statement given to a sergeant with the Wharton County Sheriff’s Office, Andrew Mendoza, 29, waived his assorted rights and told of a late night encounter with a brown horse. Mendoza, who had been waiting to hear from his girlfriend, noted that, “I told myself that if she didn’t call me I was going to go next door and mess with the neighbor’s horse.”

now, in fairness to Mendoza’s girlfriend, you have to assume there’s no way she’d expect that to have been a factual statement, right? i mean, if your boyfriend tells you that if you don’t call him, he’ll go fuck a horse, it’s just outrageous talk meant to provoke a reaction, right? right? then again, if you’re dating the kind of guy who DOES follow through on horse-fucking threats, you yourself cannot be much of a winner, i guess.

“Which is what occurred, Mendoza, seen at right, told Sergeant Raymond Jansky. “I was trying to make the horse have a baby,” Mendoza explained. “I was thinking it would have a horseman baby.” He added, “I ain’t going to lie, I blew a nut in the horse. I then got off the bucket and put my clothes back on and left. I promise that I have not been back over to the horse since that time.””

frankly… i wish he would have lied. but really, i’m not sure if the biggest problem is his desire to fuck horses (possibly for revenge, possibly to make a horseman baby), his inability to understand how reproduction works (both in terms of gestation periods AND the inability to reproduce with a horse, to say nothing of confirming it was actually a female horse), or whatever drug problem he has that made any aspect of this horse fucking seem like a good idea at the time. actually, that’s not true. i know full well that his desire to fuck horse is the biggest problem.

“The horse lover, whose rap sheet included a wide variety of felony and misdemeanor collars, later pleaded guilty to public lewdness and criminal trespass and was sentenced to four months in jail.”

…which seems like a very light sentence for sexual assault, but then i remember that horses are terrible, and no one should feel badly about things that happen to them.

“Mendoza’s criminal career subsequently ended when he hanged himself in a county jail, where he was being held on indecency with a child and trespassing charges.”

and well, that’s one hell of a way to end this tale. considering the late addition of “indecency with a child” to the mix, i cannot say that i actually feel that bad for the man. it is what it is. but, let’s not get too down about it: it’s still funny that he got arrested for fucking a horse. that will always be kind of funny.

and now, let me go WAY back in time for this one…

Charles the Monarch
i mean, i GUESS it looks like a lion? from a distance? if you close your eyes and imagine a lion?

panicked onlookers dial 911 after mistaking dog for ‘baby lion’

…because i really, really wanted to use this article to highlight just how incredibly disappointing i find all Americans to be at the time i read it, but then i totally forgot about it for months. but we won’t let that stop us!

“A coiffed pooch mistaken for a lion’s cub is causing quite an uproar in Virginia. Charles the dog was frolicking down the streets in Norfolk, minding his own business, when panicked passers-by started calling 911.”

i mean, okay, i guess if you really think you’re seeing a lion cub on the loose, you call the police. i’m not sure who else there is to call to get someone to address the situation. but do you not put any critical thinking into the situation to deduce if it actually IS a lion cub? or just go right into freaking out mode? because it seems like we’re about to fully embrace the latter:

“With a dyed tail and a fluffy coat groomed to resemble a lion’s mane, the pup’s appearance was a little unusual. “I’d like to report a lion sighting,” a man said in the 911 call. “Say that again?” a dispatcher responded.”

have these people never seen a dog OR a lion before? because they don’t look that similar. that said, even if you can make that mistake legitimately, do you look around to see what’s going on? shouldn’t people be freaking out or reacting in SOME notable fashion if there’s a lion cub on the loose? or, conversely, if it’s a dog, would you note expect to notice an owner? then again, maybe everyone else IS freaking out:

“A few minutes later, another call came in. “I just saw an animal that looked like a small lion,” a man said. “Had the mane and everything … I don’t know if it got away from the zoo, or what.” And the flurry continued, including a resident who told the dispatcher that the “baby lion” is the size of a Labrador retriever.”

of course, the fact that this animal was the size (and shape) of a dog did not give anyone a hint. but at least we have to be fair and acknowledge that freaking out about this supposed “lion cub” wasn’t limited to one person.

“As soon as the calls trickled in, the Norfolk Police Department contacted the local zoo to ensure its two lions were caged and accounted for. “We all looked at each other like, ‘Could it be?'” Greg Bockheim, the Virginia Zoo executive director, told CNN affiliate WAVY. Zoo workers scuttled to the lions’ cages, he said, but the big cats were fast asleep.”

and frankly, i cannot imagine how the zoo took this: you have no evidence that a lion cub has escaped, but the police are calling you to report one anyone? if it’s me, i think i’m hanging up the phone on the caller right away. “oh, yeah, sure, officer, a lion cub might have escaped from my zoo? FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE! (hangs up phone dramatically) not again!” but then, this might be a part of why i don’t work for a zoo.

“Police moved on to more pressing matters when they realized this wasn’t a runaway baby Simba from “The Lion King.” Nor was it on the lam from the zoo. It was a Labrador-poodle mix — full name Charles the Monarch — strolling down the streets after a recent visit to the groomers. His owner, Daniel Painter, told the affiliate that the dog’s shave represents the lion mascot at the Old Dominion University.”

ah, so it’s just someone we should arrest for animal abuse. case closed! that said, i WILL give the guy credit for this: instead of being the kind of crazy person who goes out and buys a lion (which never ends well), he just got his pet’s hair clipped to replicate it. so that’s progress, i suppose. although we still have the same problem of people in Virginia (which i thought was a fairly masculine state) losing their minds. eh, what can you do?

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