ah, there’s nothing like a genital-kicking spree to start off spring

to be up front about it, 50% of this week’s “making fun of the news” update comes from the iPhone of the Irishman, and for this assistance, i am most grateful, if for no other reason than “saves me the trouble of trying to make this weekly thing happen many weeks after the fact.” now, if i could only get him to provide 100% of the material… and to do all the work… anyway, anyway, there’s an update or something going on, maybe we should get on with it?

some old guy, who probably has sore knees
found this searching for “why do my knees hurt”; seems like someone who can understand this query

Why Do My Knees Hurt?

“”Bend the knee,” a triumphant Queen Cersei tells Eddard Stark after outfoxing the nettlesome Northerner in “Game of Thrones.” When the noble Lord Stark declines, at great risk to his health, it is usually chalked up to an excess of probity. But what if he doesn’t bend the knee because he can’t bend the knee? The guy is no spring chicken. Maybe, faced with the choice of forcing his achy knee to bend one more time or losing his head swiftly and cleanly, he figures, “Enough already.””

first off, what them hell kind of opening is this? granted, i should perhaps cut people a little slack for thrashing their way awkwardly through the process of opening their articles, because lord knows i struggle with them, but generally i don’t just start talking about the television program i recently watched and then pretend it relates to the topic somehow. second… this is not a recently development on Game of Thrones. so could we at LEAST focus on where the show is currently if we’re going to talk about it for no reason?

“Some of us baby boomers would understand. As people age, it is often the knee that puts them on notice that their body is not always going to cooperate with whatever they have in mind. It may be stiffness. It may be weakness. It may be pain. But whether you’re just getting out of bed or walking onto the court, you know something has changed.”

BREAKING NEWS: when you get older, your body gets weaker with age! i am so glad the New York Times could step up to the plate and deliver me these shocking truths. so basically, we’re going to get another Richard Cohen “why don’t the young girls want to sex up my ancient body” article, aren’t we?

“To a generation used to coming into the office on Mondays and swapping war stories about youthful-sounding injuries like shin splints and rotator cuff tears, the diagnosis may be unwelcome: arthritis. Osteoarthritis, to be exact, which is the most common form of arthritis in the knee. The condition occurs as the cartilage that coats the bones at the joints and eases their passage, known as articular cartilage, wears away with use. Part of the problem is that with age, the chemistry of the cartilage changes so that it retains less water, making it more susceptible to stress, doctors say. Being overweight can make it worse.”

i mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s very damaging to your self-image to suddenly suffer from the injuries that afflicted your parents while you were still young and vital… but that is the way it works! and further, i ultimately suspect that if we did not have so much wrapped up in our self-image, we wouldn’t feel so badly about things like “getting old.” once again, baby boomers, this is all your fault for the heavy drumbeat of “self-esteem is the most important thing” that you’ve been foisting on my generation for years now.

“It is not terribly surprising that when orthopedists open their doors, they see more and more baby boomers in their waiting rooms. After all, there are so many of them. But there is evidence that boomers may be seeking knee treatment in disproportionate numbers.”

i mean, okay, on some level it is because there are so many of them, but it is ALSO because they’re starting to reach old age in larger and larger numbers. i mean, are we going to run with a series of reasons that are basically claiming, “well, we’re not OLD, we just have other problems?”

“Some have suggested that this may be because members of the first generation to grow up exercising have put a lot of wear and tear on their bodies. But that is not clear.”

because, you know, the generation that came up through the Great Depression and/or WORLD WAR II didn’t have any reason to have a lot of wear and tear on their bodies. or the generations that lived further and further in the past when life was, theoretically, not as relaxed and cushy as it has been for the baby boomers. at this point, i would like to suggest that when the author uses the phrase “not clear,” they mean “completely bullshit.”

“If trends continue, many boomers will, in fact, have the surgery. But some doctors caution that it does not help everyone. And since the replacement knees have a limited lifespan, it is not clear how someone who has the surgery in his mid-40s will do later in life.”

frankly, i think when we start talking about “mid-40s,” we’re overlooking the fact that the vast majority of baby boomers are well beyond that age. but again, here’s the thing: don’t you expect your knees to be a little more sore in your mid-40s than they were when you were young? because in your mid-40s, you’re not young anymore. seems to me like demanding replacement knees RIGHT NOW because you’ve suffered a drop in performance is a bit much.

“So doctors encourage patients with knee problems to try other approaches first. The orthopedics academy offers a number of recommendations. These include weight loss, exercises to increase range of motion and flexibility and devices that offer support to the knee. Dietary supplements like glucosamine and chondroitin may relieve pain for some, it says, though there is no proof that the supplements actually slow degeneration.”

look, let me tell you something: if you’re older and you’re bitching about your knees and you haven’t yet considered WEIGHT LOSS, i don’t know what else to say, other than “anyone who demands replacement knees without considering the loss of some extra pounds probably needs less knee surgery and more euthanasia.” i admit this is not the most charitable response, but still, it is what it is.

“Doctors also advise patients to switch to exercises easier on the knee, like swimming and running on treadmills instead of on pavement. But they, too, can take a toll. So Dr. Azar often has to use a word that boomers don’t like to hear: moderation.”

or just go smoke some marijuana, boomers, and let the pain from your knees drift away. ugh. look, i am sorry that you’re all old; i myself am only getting older and more decrepit, so i understand how FRUSTRATING that is. but it is what it is. come to terms with it. it should not be a mystery why your knees hurt more when you get older.

some old guy, who probably has sore knees
found this searching for “why do my knees hurt”; seems like someone who can understand this query

Florida woman arrested after genital kicking spree

wait, this is once again a crazy story from Florida? THANK YOU, DEITY OR DEITIES, FOR FLORIDA, THE COMEDY GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.

“When the Manatee County Sheriff’s office got the call that a woman was standing on a street in broad daylight kicking strangers in the genitals, reports the Miami Herald, they sent an undoubtedly unlucky deputy to investigate.”

first off, whatever the reason she’s kicking these people in the genitals, it’s MUCH better when it’s not explained at all. it’s an unexplained crotch-destroying mystery! also, this declaration of how “undoubtedly unlucky” this deputy supposedly is –because i have to assume a deputy in Florida doesn’t have just one difficult call to respond to in his whole career– makes me believe that his genitals were punted into the stratosphere. i am sure that i will only be disappointed when the truth comes out…

“When the deputy found a woman who matched the description of wearing red pants and braids, he called for her to come towards him. Instead the woman, now identified as Katina Jane Collins, ran for it. As the deputy gave chase, Collins allegedly stopped in her tracks and punched the officer in the face, knocking his sunglasses off. The deputy was able to get Collins on the ground and in handcuffs, despite her alleged attempts to scratch the deputy while he handcuffed her, the report said.”

that’s a pretty solid move: bait the deputy into a chase and then use his momentum to punch him in the face? well-played. that said, all that happened to him was a face-punching and some attempted scratching? this is already disappointing, Florida!

“What led Collins to be standing in the “street kicking people in genitals and running around kicking a man,” according to an arrest affidavit from the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office, is unclear. Collins, a 38-year-old resident of Sarasota, Florida, was fresh off of another charge for battery of a police officer. It’s unclear if the incidents are related.”

it’s unclear? well, where are the detectives in Florida and what are they doing to investigate this? what’s taking precedence, boring old murders? because i know that Dexter stuff is not real and is thus unlikely to be eating up their time. that said, despite the damage it would mean to people’s genitals, i really, really hope her other incident of battering a police officer was caused by the exact same events.

also, i have to say, this woman appears to have a few more miles on her than 38. life in the madhouse of Florida must be rough.

“According to the Florida Sun-Sentinel, Collins has been charged with battery of an officer and is being held at the Manatee County jail on a $1,500 bond. There is no word on the number of individuals who fell victim to genital kicking spree before police intervened.”

again with things being unclear! you’d think, though, that with a deputy responding to this crime, there would be at least one or two people who would have been around to note, “yeah, she kicked ME in the genitals, and at least a couple of other guys as well!” then again, it’s Florida, so maybe this kind of thing happens all the time and it’s no big deal?

okay, i think that’ll do it. until next time (or whenever the Irishman gives us new material).

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