ah… when in doubt, go back to the standard of ripping on the sad and sordid events in the lives of those around us. it’s certain a lot more time-efficient than when we’re trying to develop “legitimate updates” or things like that; you know, the stuff that FEELS more satisfying, but seldom gets better results. although i have to admit that we got active props for a legitimate update in the semi-recent past, so maybe i am totally off-base on that last claim. anyway, anyway, here we go with the awful news:
i would like to quote Biohazard here to say “these eyes have seen inhuman things,” but that might add too much levity to the life of this dogfucker
so, beyond the fact that i find the whole “guy decided to have sex with a pit bull” thing wrong, there’s definitely a higher level of problem at work here. again, yes, to be redundant, that in and of itself is a pretty high level of “you’ve really made some mistakes in your life,” but let’s move past that and get into ripping on this specific situation:
“A 50-year-old man who had been on a tour at the city pound was charged with having sex with a pit bull, prosecutors said in court today. Gerardo Perez, of the 2500 block of West 38th Street, was charged with having sexual conduct with an animal, a felony, and burglary, according to police.”
slight tangent: why does it matter that this Gerardo Perez character is 50 years old? okay, i would guess that this is just an attempt to describe the gentleman further, but it still seems a little weird to me, as if it’s going to make a huge difference regarding his crime (whether in the sense of “why did this happen” or “how can we penalize this dogfucker” or whatever else) what his specific age is. eh, whatever, let’s focus on the actual story again:
“Perez was arrested after he and a group took a tour of the Chicago Animal Care and Control Facility at 2741 S. Western Ave. on May 29, prosecutors said. After the man broke off from the tour group, an employee of the facility spotted him going into a restricted area, prosecutors said. After the employee told the man to leave the restricted area, the man left but returned a short time later.”
now, at THIS point, if you didn’t know what this guy Perez was getting charged with, you’d probably think (or at least HOPE) that it was going to prove to be something like “the world’s most obvious attempt to steal cat tranquilizers to get high” or something along those lines. although i suppose it’s a sad commentary on modern society when the thought of some poor man stealing animal medication to get high is the GOOD scenario.
“When the employee returned, he found the man inside the restricted area again and inside a cage with a white and grey pit bull, prosecutors said. The employee found the man on his hands and knees on the side of the dog, and it appeared the man had just had sexual contact with the animal, prosecutors said. The man made “inculpatory statements regarding sexual conduct with the dog” to several employees of the facility, police said.”
but no, he didn’t want to get high, he wanted to fuck a dog. and for some reason, he wanted to go about his animal sex crime in the MOST complicated way possible: secure a tour of an animal care facility, sneak away from this tour and find a dog, and then fuck this dog INSIDE the goddamn animal care facility. you know, where he’s surrounded by personnel who could presumably catch him in the act and get him arrested. i guess this is the animal rapist equivalent of fucking in public to make it more exciting?
also… i have to wonder why the writer of the average story in the Chicago Tribune is dropping “inculpatory” into his article (although i SUPPOSE we could accuse this random unnamed police spokesman of it) instead of, say, running with something like “incriminating.” is “inculpatory” really the 100% best word for this situation? that can be our debate for today.
“After the man gave his license to a security guard at the facility, the police arrested him at his home on Friday, police said. The burglary charge involved his being in the restricted area of the facility, according to court officials. His bail was set at $80,000.”
and you know what has to suck? getting caught FUCKING A DOG, then being allowed to go home after providing your identification and waiting there to get slammed with the charges for it. like, seriously, just immediately put the dogfucker in jail and get it over with, you know? anything else is just cruel. although possibly not as cruel as the rape inflicted on a dog, so maybe it all averages out to a wash.
Rodger William Kelly: saving women’s lives through rape since 20- WAIT, YOU CAN’T SAVE LIVES THAT WAY
well… there isn’t much else to say about that title, so perhaps we should just dive into it.
“A suspected Utah rapist claims he only had sex with his unconscious neighbor to try to keep her warm.”
so i suppose if you’re busted for raping someone, there’s a limited number of explanations you can give for it… although usually i would think it would be more along the lines of “the sexual was consensual and now she is lying after the fact,” as this veers into the realm of possibility. rape to save someone’s life, on the other hand, i admit i have a harder time believing.
“Rodger William Kelly allegedly told cops he was “trying to save her life” as he inserted his penis into the knocked-out 29-year-old.”
also, i don’t want to be seen as making light of a rape victim, but GODDAMNIT is this a hilarious way to phrase the situation.
“The 50-year-old said he found the woman passed out May 19 on her porch on returning to his St. George home. He reportedly carried her into his apartment, laid her on his bed, hugged her and then had sex with her to “warm her up.” Paramedics were called to find Kelly giving his alleged victim CPR.”
truthfully, the part that makes this REALLY weird –i mean, beyond the part where Kelly attempted to save someone’s life through the liberal use of his penis– is that paramedics arrived (and, to be fair, it’s completely unclear who called them and why) to find Kelly trying to give her CPR, something traditional done strictly for life-saving reasons. so the question is, did Kelly legitimately find her passed out, get concerned, and then run through his methodology of hugs, then sex, then CPR in a sincere attempt to save this woman’s life?
“On waking up, she suspected she’d been raped and called cops. They found bruises on her pelvis and upper thighs.”
“…in addition to the fact that she was in a strange man’s house where he was giving her CPR.”
“But a rape kit was reportedly inconclusive because her genital area had been cleaned up as she was passed out, The Salt Lake Tribune reports. Court documents stated: “He said he did place it [his penis] inside of her to try and get her temperature up.””
also, considering that this woman was unconscious and the rape kit was inconclusive, should we be giving this man any credit for owning up to his sex crime? because i really don’t think we should, but this is such a WEIRD case, you know? it has completely disrupted my thought process. and frankly, if Kelly was right all along and he DID save this woman’s life, is it right that he be jailed for his medical aid?
“Kelly was arrested Monday and charged with one count of first-degree felony rape.”
yeah, it’s right.
also, i think we had this happen…
in keeping with the current MD insanity, this fine little stripped lower (to be treated as a regulated firearm even though, clearly, it is powerless on its own) took not the expected 7-day waiting period… nor the 9 weeks, 2 days total of the prior transaction… but an all-around excellent ELEVEN WEEKS. frankly, this is getting a little ridiculous, especially considering the whole “i guess this legally qualifies as a firearm despite the fact that by itself, it can’t do much” thing. still… it’s home and that’s excellent. hooray!