between dog pounds and passed-out women, there’s nothing that won’t get sexually assaulted by America’s men

ah… when in doubt, go back to the standard of ripping on the sad and sordid events in the lives of those around us. it’s certain a lot more time-efficient than when we’re trying to develop “legitimate updates” or things like that; you know, the stuff that FEELS more satisfying, but seldom gets better results. although i have to admit that we got active props for a legitimate update in the semi-recent past, so maybe i am totally off-base on that last claim. anyway, anyway, here we go with the awful news:

Gerardo Perez
i would like to quote Biohazard here to say “these eyes have seen inhuman things,” but that might add too much levity to the life of this dogfucker

man charged with having sex with pit bull at city pound

so, beyond the fact that i find the whole “guy decided to have sex with a pit bull” thing wrong, there’s definitely a higher level of problem at work here. again, yes, to be redundant, that in and of itself is a pretty high level of “you’ve really made some mistakes in your life,” but let’s move past that and get into ripping on this specific situation:

“A 50-year-old man who had been on a tour at the city pound was charged with having sex with a pit bull, prosecutors said in court today. Gerardo Perez, of the 2500 block of West 38th Street, was charged with having sexual conduct with an animal, a felony, and burglary, according to police.”

slight tangent: why does it matter that this Gerardo Perez character is 50 years old? okay, i would guess that this is just an attempt to describe the gentleman further, but it still seems a little weird to me, as if it’s going to make a huge difference regarding his crime (whether in the sense of “why did this happen” or “how can we penalize this dogfucker” or whatever else) what his specific age is. eh, whatever, let’s focus on the actual story again:

“Perez was arrested after he and a group took a tour of the Chicago Animal Care and Control Facility at 2741 S. Western Ave. on May 29, prosecutors said. After the man broke off from the tour group, an employee of the facility spotted him going into a restricted area, prosecutors said. After the employee told the man to leave the restricted area, the man left but returned a short time later.”

now, at THIS point, if you didn’t know what this guy Perez was getting charged with, you’d probably think (or at least HOPE) that it was going to prove to be something like “the world’s most obvious attempt to steal cat tranquilizers to get high” or something along those lines. although i suppose it’s a sad commentary on modern society when the thought of some poor man stealing animal medication to get high is the GOOD scenario.

“When the employee returned, he found the man inside the restricted area again and inside a cage with a white and grey pit bull, prosecutors said. The employee found the man on his hands and knees on the side of the dog, and it appeared the man had just had sexual contact with the animal, prosecutors said. The man made “inculpatory statements regarding sexual conduct with the dog” to several employees of the facility, police said.”

but no, he didn’t want to get high, he wanted to fuck a dog. and for some reason, he wanted to go about his animal sex crime in the MOST complicated way possible: secure a tour of an animal care facility, sneak away from this tour and find a dog, and then fuck this dog INSIDE the goddamn animal care facility. you know, where he’s surrounded by personnel who could presumably catch him in the act and get him arrested. i guess this is the animal rapist equivalent of fucking in public to make it more exciting?

also… i have to wonder why the writer of the average story in the Chicago Tribune is dropping “inculpatory” into his article (although i SUPPOSE we could accuse this random unnamed police spokesman of it) instead of, say, running with something like “incriminating.” is “inculpatory” really the 100% best word for this situation? that can be our debate for today.

“After the man gave his license to a security guard at the facility, the police arrested him at his home on Friday, police said. The burglary charge involved his being in the restricted area of the facility, according to court officials. His bail was set at $80,000.”

and you know what has to suck? getting caught FUCKING A DOG, then being allowed to go home after providing your identification and waiting there to get slammed with the charges for it. like, seriously, just immediately put the dogfucker in jail and get it over with, you know? anything else is just cruel. although possibly not as cruel as the rape inflicted on a dog, so maybe it all averages out to a wash.

Rodger William Kelly
Rodger William Kelly: saving women’s lives through rape since 20- WAIT, YOU CAN’T SAVE LIVES THAT WAY

man, 50, allegedly raped his unconscious neighbor to keep her warm

well… there isn’t much else to say about that title, so perhaps we should just dive into it.

“A suspected Utah rapist claims he only had sex with his unconscious neighbor to try to keep her warm.”

so i suppose if you’re busted for raping someone, there’s a limited number of explanations you can give for it… although usually i would think it would be more along the lines of “the sexual was consensual and now she is lying after the fact,” as this veers into the realm of possibility. rape to save someone’s life, on the other hand, i admit i have a harder time believing.

“Rodger William Kelly allegedly told cops he was “trying to save her life” as he inserted his penis into the knocked-out 29-year-old.”

also, i don’t want to be seen as making light of a rape victim, but GODDAMNIT is this a hilarious way to phrase the situation.

“The 50-year-old said he found the woman passed out May 19 on her porch on returning to his St. George home. He reportedly carried her into his apartment, laid her on his bed, hugged her and then had sex with her to “warm her up.” Paramedics were called to find Kelly giving his alleged victim CPR.”

truthfully, the part that makes this REALLY weird –i mean, beyond the part where Kelly attempted to save someone’s life through the liberal use of his penis– is that paramedics arrived (and, to be fair, it’s completely unclear who called them and why) to find Kelly trying to give her CPR, something traditional done strictly for life-saving reasons. so the question is, did Kelly legitimately find her passed out, get concerned, and then run through his methodology of hugs, then sex, then CPR in a sincere attempt to save this woman’s life?

“On waking up, she suspected she’d been raped and called cops. They found bruises on her pelvis and upper thighs.”

“…in addition to the fact that she was in a strange man’s house where he was giving her CPR.”

“But a rape kit was reportedly inconclusive because her genital area had been cleaned up as she was passed out, The Salt Lake Tribune reports. Court documents stated: “He said he did place it [his penis] inside of her to try and get her temperature up.””

also, considering that this woman was unconscious and the rape kit was inconclusive, should we be giving this man any credit for owning up to his sex crime? because i really don’t think we should, but this is such a WEIRD case, you know? it has completely disrupted my thought process. and frankly, if Kelly was right all along and he DID save this woman’s life, is it right that he be jailed for his medical aid?

“Kelly was arrested Monday and charged with one count of first-degree felony rape.”

yeah, it’s right.

also, i think we had this happen…

stripped RRA lower

in keeping with the current MD insanity, this fine little stripped lower (to be treated as a regulated firearm even though, clearly, it is powerless on its own) took not the expected 7-day waiting period… nor the 9 weeks, 2 days total of the prior transaction… but an all-around excellent ELEVEN WEEKS. frankly, this is getting a little ridiculous, especially considering the whole “i guess this legally qualifies as a firearm despite the fact that by itself, it can’t do much” thing. still… it’s home and that’s excellent. hooray!

apparently, we’re proving the “taking a knife to a gunfight” maxim wrong in 2013

in order to save a little time so that i can MAYBE get around to finishing up a pending post (this is what happens when you consciously put more effort into the internet than you probably should), it might be time to go back to our standard modus operandi: finding random things on the internet and ripping on them furiously! or, in some case, just being completely befuddled; it might not seem like much of a possibility given the ridiculousness of the internet, but it DOES occasionally happen. case in point:

Fresno, CA
Fresno: home of the samurai-sword-caused bodybag

Fresno homeowner kills robbery suspect with samurai sword

what this article lacks in length it makes up for with its “HOLY SHIT” factor. let’s not waste any additional time!

“Authorities say a central California homeowner killed a robbery suspect with a samurai sword during a home invasion.”

now, this in and of itself does not present that ridiculous of a scenario; i can even think of a case here in scenic Maryland where an intruder was killed with a samurai sword (or, i guess, “samurai sword,” since i imagine not a lot of swords out there can legitimately claim that title WITHOUT adding quotes): Hopkins Student With Samurai Sword Kills Theft Suspect. but to be 100% fair, in THAT scenario, the homeowner heard a noise, got his sword (this is already ridiculous), crept toward the noise, and almost cut the hand off a man who lunged at him. this case… was a little different.

“The Fresno County Sheriff’s Office says two suspects armed with a handgun and an axe invaded a house in Firebaugh near Fresno in the middle of the night Saturday intending to rob the home.”

so it’s not like he heard a noise and leaped from his La-Z-Boy recliner while drawing his samurai sword fluidly, thus leaving him immediately at the ready to defend his domicile; THIS gentleman was confronted by a handgun (which generally tends to one-up a sword) and was, we’ll presume, taken unawares when the home invasion went down, although i suppose it’s fair to say we don’t really know the exact circumstances.

“The suspects, 34-year-old Aaron Baeza and 30-year-old Christopher Rupe, tied up the homeowner and his girlfriend and demanded money. They later freed the man to allow him to look for the cash.”

now, far be it from me to criticize the thinking of two intellectual home invaders here, but this is my question: if you’ve got the homeowner and his girlfriend tied up AND you’re armed… why are you freeing anyone to look for cash? couldn’t you demand he tell you where the cash is, go look for it, and then either claim your ill-gotten gains or demand the gentleman you’re robbing clarify where the cash actually is? because it seems like releasing him to “go look for it” is asking for some kind of surprise twist to occur during the whole robbery.

that said, they ARE packing at least one gun and they MIGHT have already searched for cash (and been disappointing), and most importantly, i am not sure they could have predicted the next twist:

“The homeowner then stabbed and killed Baeza with his samurai sword.”

so basically, when released to go look for cash, the homeowner returned to the men who were holding his girlfriend tied up and who had a handgun (and an axe) and ATTACKED THEM WITH A SAMURAI SWORD? this is where i make a reference to Bill Hicks’ bit about the cops that beat Rodney King and how their testimony indicated they had exceptional large balls that were difficult to transport. i mean, i don’t consider myself a coward, exactly, and maybe this guy LOVES his girlfriend… but i suspect i would be sorely tempted to bail out of a window to get the police if my only other options were “return with cash” or “burst into the room and go on a SAMURAI RAMPAGE.”

something tells me SOMEONE might have watched Pulp Fiction too many times. or any number of samurai movies, i guess.

this also raises another question: what kind of “samurai sword” was produced? because all jokes aside, this term gets applied to all kinds of stuff, from finely-crafted Japanese swords an actual samurai might have handed down over the years to cheap pot-metal wall hangers. and while i can’t really even see rushing at a handgun with the former, i really, REALLY wouldn’t trust the latter in a life-or-death si

“Rupe escaped, remains at large, and is considered armed and dangerous. Investigators say he may be traveling with an unidentified Caucasian woman in a dark green Ford F-150 pickup, with a California license plate of 6T04402.”

i am not even going to call Rupe a coward because if the guy i was robbing burst back into the room and slayed my crime partner with a samurai sword, i too would likely declare that it was, in fact, time to hit the old dusty trail. but i think we’ve established that not many of us are men on the level of this unidentified Fresno homeowner. who even is?

FarmersOnly.com
wait, why do the father and daughter from the American Gothic painting need a dating site to meet?

FarmersOnly.com: City folks just don’t get it! (TM)

so i don’t mean to pile on this dating website on any kind of “haha, look at those lonely people” concept; that would just be petty and mean and i’d like to think that i am the better person in this regard. however, i was attempting to watch what i shall refer to as “gay skinhead fighting” (terminology thanks to the hooligans of a particular internet forum) when an ad for this website came on, and to be honest, whenever i see it, i find it hilariously ridiculous:

maybe this is one of those weird things where occasionally you see what looks like a low-budget ad for a local business pop up on your cable channel… except that, supposedly, this FarmersOnly thing is a legitimate business. i tried to find some proof of it on the internet, but Time was the best that i could do:

“Finding love can be tough for farmers, who often live miles from neighbors and have limited options for entertainment. But one rural entrepreneur, Jerry Miller, saw a business opportunity in the dearth of dating. Aiming to help kindred souls find each other (and make some money), Miller launched FarmersOnly.com in 2005.

Since then, it has grown to host hundreds of thousands of members, Business Insider reports. Miller says one reason his site has been so successful is because farmers can relate to one another in a way that they can’t with “city folks.” Miller says those who live in rural communities share a certain mentality foreign to urbanites, who tend to be materialistic and caught up “in the corporate rat race.””

i mean, i can understand the concept here –living miles from neighbors, having limited entertainment options, still needing to find love– but ultimately i find it VERY hard to believe that:
–this site hosts “hundreds of thousands of members” (although i guess some of them might not be farmers);
–this site qualifies as “so successful” (i have no metrics one way or another, but JUST LOOK AT THAT ADVERTISEMENT);
–farmers are not “materialistic.” i mean, yeah, they have tossed aside the corporate rat race to… grow sorghum, i guess, but does that make them automatically not materialistic? isn’t farming a business?

the moral of the story, though, is that if you don’t make laughable awkward ads, i won’t really be able to mock your well-meaning business on the internet. and on that note… until next time.

janklow stars in… Florida, which we’re currently calling “the Gunshine State”

so recently, our hero janklow headed out of state to the land of Florida (or, as we are calling it this week, the Gunshine State, a moniker that i cannot take credit for) and as always, i try to come up with some observations for the purposes of joke-making. it’s actually been quite some time since i busted out a travelogue update on this site (a short search indicates that it was apparently janklow stars in … Ohio: where everyone is way too nice, which we published on 11.02.2007, which just makes me say, “wow, i guess i DON’T ever go anywhere”), so i figured it might be a great time to have another one happen thanks to Florida. here we go!

moving walkway
IT IS NOT A GODDAMN RIDE, PEOPLE

chapter I: flying out of scenic Maryland

so perhaps the fact that i have spent a lot of time in airports makes me susceptible to being outraged by the things that people do in them, but i have to come back to something that i have not bitched about in some time: people’s inability to correctly use moving walkways. look, guys, they’re not rides, they’re meant to help you travel through the airport FASTER. and sometimes people are very impressed with seemingly mundane things –see also the number of people who seem to travel to Maryland and then return with massive amounts of scrapple, which i SUPPOSE isn’t freely available everywhere, but which i thought we all recognized was “spiced trash meat”– but a moving walkway, being such a ubiquitous part of airports, shouldn’t be one of them.

further… it seems like everyone hanging out on moving walkways without moving is doing their best to be as annoying about it as possible: they don’t leave for anyone to walk PAST them, they take one step onto the walkway and IMMEDIATELY stand still, regardless of whoever’s right behind them, and so on. and you know, there has simply GOT to be social commentary to make about the poor physical condition of the average American and how it relates to peoples’ refusals to walk on moving walkways and escalators and all that.

also, when did neck tattoos get so popular? i don’t want to bash everyone that has one since some of these people seem like decent-enough folk, but i have long operated under the assumption that tattoos above the shoulder were indicating that you wanted out of society and/or into the judicial system to some extent. still, it seems like whether or not you make the worst assumptions about people, they shouldn’t be so popular.

yeah, i know, i haven’t even escaped the state at this point in the narrative and i am already LOSING MY DAMN MIND. attribute it to the fact that i hate, hate, hate flying and i will try to make some Florida-based remarks.

Maryland Fried Chicken
“hey, let’s fly from Maryland to Florida and then sample their native cuisine of Maryland Fried Chicken!”

chapter II: surviving Florida, probably in part because it is devoid of alligators

so mostly what i did in Florida was some equally non-exciting stuff (hello, little cousin’s graduation, an event which was bound to make me feel absolutely old as hell, and it did), but i wanted to attempt to make some observations from my travels anyways:

–once there, i and some relatives found a local eatery called “Maryland Fried Chicken,” which, in case you thought this was maybe just a coincidental name based on it being owned by Russell Maryland or something, declares that it makes fried chicken in the traditional Maryland way. now, being a native Marylander, i declare, “obviously we have to eat at this place.” in turn, i then realize something: i don’t even know what traditional Maryland fried chicken is supposed to taste like. Wikipedia tells me that this is a real thing, so i can’t outright declare that this is a clever marketing scam (as everyone wants to eat chicken from … Maryland), and supposedly the chain was started by a Delaware guy who wanted to appeal to guys from Baltimore and the rest of Maryland moving down to Florida for jobs at the time … so i guess what this REALLY means is that i am so used to just eating a bucket of chicken from KFC that i don’t even know what my native cuisine is supposed to taste like. sad.

…and then i was scalded by an INCREDIBLE hot container of beans exploding onto my legs. when you add this to the fact that i was also burned by an iron being wielded by my grandmother and injured in some kind of inflatable bounce house-type scenario (we’ll come back to this), i have to say, this was a surprisingly rough trip for me.

–at this graduation, the dean (at least, i think it was the dean) seemed to focus his remarks on the recent Boston Marathon bombing and a large pre-paid credit card scam. frankly, it seemed to me like a bit of a downer, what with this being a graduation and all, but i believe an aunt of mine pointed out that this might simply have been an attempt by said dean (if it was the dean) to let the new graduates know that with the current weakness of the economy, they should still be aware that they had options for their futures if they thought outside the box. i immediately had to agree this was the best possible way to take it.

–in the aftermath of graduation, we had a little shindig for my cousin wherein my aunt (because this is the kind of thing she does) got some ridiculous inflatable stuff for a party because there’d be little kids there, including this one that we’ll call an “inflatable sports challenge.” it’s a little hard to describe it: there’s an inflatable column in the middle and two kids are harnessed on either side of it, and they pull against each other as they try to dunk a ball. basically, let’s just look at a picture:

inflatable sports challenge

only the one in question had little raised walls.

now, for kids, this is clearly a sporting challenge, but HYPOTHETICALLY, adults could also use this in a fashion where they’re basically competing to smash each other into the center. not that this is what happened. it’s also possibly that in a competition against one of my female cousins, i won (thus showing off my mad dunking skills)… and was subsequently drug across the thing into the column on the grounds that, on balance, my little female cousin in question is much more of an athlete than i am and could PROBABLY beat me up. and that’s where the abrasive injury i mentioned earlier came from!

–so near where my aunt lives in central Florida, there is a small nature preserve that i wanted to search through for alligators, because i feel no trip to Florida is complete until you’ve seen a gator, and, with any luck, wrestled it into submission. however, the first time i went to this preserve, it was apparently on fire, at which point my family banned me from going to play in said fire (a decision that, given all my small injuries, may have been for the best). the second time, there was no fire, but also absolutely no gators, and i have to say, this was an INCREDIBLE disappointment. especially when you consider that while visiting that aunt, both someone’s stray dachshund AND someone’s stray (and very friendly) cockatiel wandered into her yard to hang out indefinitely… and yet not one gator did. i flew out of that state SO SAD about the gator situation.

–also, that preserve has signs that invite you to eat from plants in the preserve. it was admittedly stated in reference to citrus trees, but i still think it sent a weird message. that said, my immediate reaction was, “you know, there would NEVER be a “just eat stuff you find in here” sign in a nature preserve in Maryland.” you make of THAT what you will.

chapter III: the conclusion

so i survived all that, flew home, and was returned to my shack in the woods thanks to a timely assist from my Irish sidekick. no gators, light injuries, but on the balance, a solid trip. this place really COULD use a couple more travelogues, i suppose, so there it is, although i don’t know what the likelihood of having any additional ones is at this point…

and now, an “out of state” placeholder

looks like our hero (still janklow) is going to be out of commission again due to his decision to travel out of state for a variety of reasons, mainly familial. i admit this means, as i have not actually wrapped up a post between THIS placeholder and the last one, that the site looks like a bit of a ghost town right about how. well… it happens.