and now, a token “retirement party” placeholder

this weekend, i am sad to admit, has been devoted to the celebration of old(er) people i know retiring. specifically, this means things like “janklow must dust off his alcohol awareness training certification and work as a bartender for no money at all because of familial bonds or some shit like that” and “janklow is too old not to be exhausted from these shenanigans in a way that prevents him from working on this website.” i mean… we’re winding this thing down, i think we all know. but whatever, nothing happening here this week.

male genitalia: after these articles, i am convinced they cause nothing but financial hardship and medical shame

let me be honest: so what happened here was that i was (and have been) grinding away on one or two updates that just take time to finish, and that i think will be worth it (in the sense that while no one else actually gives a shit, i feel some sense of accomplishment), i also made some notes on articles i wanted to rip on because, let’s face it, this is what i do. and then i spent a bunch of time fussing over the time-demanding updates and never actually wrapped up the ones that were meant to be quick. so in order to get us a little caught up, let’s skip ahead/back/whatever and knock these cheap jokes out. here we go! no shame at all!

Orlando Shaw
well, with 22 children under his belt, Orlando Shaw must have SOMETHING going for him. not exactly sure what that is, but it must be something

deadbeat dad fathers 22 children by 14 women

“It is one of Metro’s most expensive child support cases and the father in question considers himself to be quite the ladies man. “I was young and ambitious and I love women. You can’t knock no man for loving women,” said Orlando Shaw whose relationships have led to several children.”

oh Orlando Shaw, where to begin, where to begin… well, for starters, i don’t think you’re being knocked for loving women, sir, i THINK you’re being knocked up for impregnating many of them an excessive amount of times. i mean, look, if you accidentally knock up your wife or girlfriend, this is much more understandable and/or socially acceptable. and i think, to be generous, we get the situations where a man gets his wife or girlfriend pregnant RIGHT before they break up and moves on to knock up someone else (we call this the “Tom Brady maneuver,” i think). but 22 children? by 14 women? this is not just about loving women. there’s a Bill Hicks quote about figuring out the “food/water/air deal” brewing here

also… “ambitious?” what does that even mean? what was the ambition?

ALSO… seriously, look, i can knock anyone for anything i don’t agree with. in fact, i choose to knock Shaw for telling me what i cannot knock. jerk!

anyway, let’s focus up, because this is a serious situation that involves children:

“The 33-year-old Shaw admitted to fathering 22 kids by 14 different women. Those mothers -through Child Support Services – took Shaw to court for tens of thousands of dollars in unpaid child support over the years.”

honestly, what i really want to know is at what point does a woman getting involved with this guy not realize what she’s in for and back away, because this can’t be some kind of globe-trotting thing where he’s knocking up 14 women in 14 countries. is lady #11 not saying to herself, “well, he’s already knocked up 10 girls 16 times, so if he knocks me up, it’s not going to end up well for me financially?” ladies, you’re not getting those tens of thousands of dollars. i know you have to sue on principle –really, i do– but don’t hold your collective breath.

“It is estimated the state pays more than $7,000 each month in assistance to help support all of Shaw’s children.”

THIS IS WHY YOU ARE BEING KNOCKED, MR SHAW. fundamentally, no one cares about morality; they care about the almighty dollar. and frankly, it’s a little unfair that the average tax payer is shelling out any money for these kids when they’re probably getting a LOT less female attention than Shaw. i mean, it’s the Right Thing To Do because those poor kids are going to need all the help they can get, but unfair in some weird karmic sense that i haven’t fully puzzled out yet. we’re working on that.

“”How do we apply our child support guidelines to this many children in this many households,” said magistrate Scott Rosenberg. Rosenburg said Shaw would have to take three or four full-time jobs to even come close to paying the child support he owes. Shaw said his prior criminal history makes it hard for him to find a job.”

…and yet it does not make him less attractive to these women? to be honest, i am starting to blame Shaw less and these women more. because the fact of the matter is that dudes like Shaw are always, always going to be out there trying to score, and given Shaw’s background, you’d think the women would have all the justification they need to say, “miss me with that delinquent father shit” … and yet they don’t. i don’t really know who to blame. maybe this is where i throw my hands in the air and yell “AMERICA” in exasperation?

“Shaw said he’s proud of all his children. “I love my kids and I can care less about what anyone thinks about it,” said Shaw. He said by having all these children it helps his Shaw family legacy live on. “I’ll be sure we’ll be here for years and years to come.””

alright, NOW the ambition thing makes sense. although i have to say that if there’s a guy out there who CANNOT afford to feed and clothe his children bragging up his ability to perpetuate his legacy, then this is a guy we need to find a way to sterilize legally.

“Shaw will likely go to trial on the child support case. The magistrate could send him to jail, yet again. He’s been there several times before. The court has also been working to help Shaw get more involved with his children’s lives even if he can’t do so financially.”

first off, i really don’t like the concept of debtors being imprisoned just because they cannot pay their bills… but if anyone deserves it, Shaw does (and apparently i am not the only one who thinks so, because he’s apparently been jailed for this reason before). but second, i actually DON’T think Shaw should be allowed to be more involved in his children’s lives: the city and/or state are paying for the children and the only parents who are really there for them are the mothers (and possibly other relatives). don’t reward this guy further! oh fine, fine, i know, IT’S BETTER FOR THE CHILDREN. damn loopholes!

“Metro handles literally thousands of child support payment cases every year and Shaw’s ranks near the top involving the number of children who are receiving little or no support.”

ranks NEAR the top? NEAR the top? what the fuck is going on in Nashville, Tennessee, guys. seriously, if 22 unsupported children from 14 women is NOT the worst, we might just be better off napalming the whole metro area and starting over.

and speaking of penises leading to complicated situations…

Kwong Wah Hospital
Kwong Wah Hospital: we might not find your ovaries and/or testicles in the first 60 years, but we guarantee to find them before you’re 70!

man, 66, goes to doctor and finds he’s a woman

…yeah, that’s pretty much the definition of a bad day. seriously? seriously:

“A 66-year-old apparently male patient made a stunning discovery when he sought treatment for swelling in his abdomen. The swelling was a cyst on his ovary and he was in fact a woman.”

you know when you’re getting identified as “apparently male,” it’s not going to end well. it’s also pretty bad when the scenario is “hey, i am 66 years old and only just finding out my actual gender NOW for some reason.” i mean, look, medical care is not the same everywhere and at every time, but damn, no one noticed this guy had OVARIES in almost seven decades? i get that they’re tucked away in there, but still.

“The condition was caused by a very rare combination of two genetic disorders. One, Turner syndrome, causes women to lack some female features, including the ability to get pregnant. Sufferers usually look like women, but in this case the patient also had congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH), which boosted the male hormones and made the patient look like a man.”

let’s be honest: this is the kind of thing a very rare combination of genetic disorders does: it sucks, but there’s just nothing to be done about it. i think the REAL concern would be if it was something mundane, like “the condition was caused by the patient eating a lot of fish when they were a small child,” or something like that.

…and now i may have inadvertently given myself a phobia regarding the eating of fish.

“The patient, by definition, is a woman who cannot get pregnant. But she also has CAH, which gave her the appearance of a man,” Chinese University paediatrics professor Ellis Hon Kam-lun said. “It’s an interesting and very rare case of having the two combinations. It probably won’t be seen again in the near future.”

FINGERS FUCKING CROSSED FOR THE SAKE OF US ALL

“The 66-year-old Vietnam-born Chinese man is an orphan. He has a beard, small penis and no testes. Just 1.37 metres tall, he has decided to continue perceiving himself as a male and may receive male hormone treatment, the report said.”

so basically, this just gets worse and worse.

“hey, sir, you’re actually a woman. but not a normal woman, a woman who looks like a man thanks to a combination of incredibly rare genetic disorders. only when we said “looks like a man,” we forgot to mention that this description involves you being short as hell and having a micropenis and no testicles. oh, and also, you’re an orphan because, apparently, god fucking hates you.”

also, was the lack of testicles not a clue that something was going on prior to year 66? because i would have probably gone to the doctor a lot sooner and asked if they could have found my testicles on the grounds that i couldn’t.

“When pressed, he disclosed a long history of urinary leakage and arrest of growth after puberty at the age of 10.”

you know, i know it’s important to investigate this stuff and all, but at this point, let’s just not press this guy about ANYTHING. leave the poor man alone. or whatever we’re calling him/her, because it seems weird to not call him a man, since that’s how he’s lived his life for 66 years, except, you know, he’s not actually a man? i don’t know what to say here.

“Only six cases of a patient with both conditions have been reported in medical literature. This patient was diagnosed later in life than any of the others. Turner’s syndrome has an estimated prevalence of one in 2,500 to 3,000 females. … Private gynaecologist Dr Kun Ka-yan said Turner syndrome was rarer now as most sufferers were identified in prenatal tests. Women would usually choose an abortion as the disease can bring other health problems, including mental disability.”

i will be honest: if this was me, i would probably have preferred to be aborted. because goddamn, this cannot have been a good 66 years. then again, sometimes i wake up exhausted, thinking “boy, life sure would be a lot more restful if my mother had aborted me” as is, so it’s fair to say that i am not likely to have been built for THAT level of a rough level.

…and i think that will do it for this week. next week (or two weeks from now, whatever), we’ll try to have less sadness-caused-by-penises material. cross your fingers!