somehow, this update got VERY genital-themed. accordingly, i regret making it a “new gun” update

alright, in order to compensate for that ridiculous Swayze mess that took up so much time last time, i think we all know what we have to do here: quickly make fun of some things we saw in the news at some point and keep it moving. i mean, i don’t want to be too excited about it, i don’t want to be dismissive… hey, it is what it is. and i am pretty sure we’ve done THIS kind of introduction before. so… here we go!

Christie Dawn Harris
here in Oklahoma, we keep it 100% classy

Christie Dawn Harris, woman arrested with loaded gun in vagina, sentenced to 25 years

so i understand that i am appealing to the lowest common denominator by running with a story like THAT, but there are two things from the title alone that make me LOVE this story:

#01. the way it’s worded, doesn’t it make it seem like the specific reason she got 25 years was that she put a gun in her vagina? as if the state of Oklahoma was saying, “yeah, the meth and illegal gun possession are bad things, but wait, you put the gun IN YOUR VAGINA?! well, miss, you’re never getting out of prison again. THUS SAYETH OKLAHOMA.”

#02. the fact that this phrase –“woman arrested with loaded gun in vagina”– will be how Christie Dawn Harris will be known for the rest of her life, barring, of course, her becoming president or winning the Nobel Peace Prize or something on that level. people that don’t know her and would NEVER know her will know she’s “that woman who was arrested with a loaded gun in her vagina.” people who DO know her for many reasons will probably still think of her as “that woman who was arrested with a loaded gun in her vagina.” and this is funny to me. it sort of reminds me of this long-ago Denis Leary bit that i am 99% sure he didn’t steal from Bill Hicks about people remembered for something absurd (specifically in his case, being killed by a poodle falling from an apartment building onto someone’s head).

“An American woman found to be hiding a loaded gun in her vagina and a bag of crystal meth in her buttocks when she was arrested, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison.”

also, i may have forgotten to mention that this article is from the UK version of the Huffinton Post for some reason. as in, i don’t know why i got it from the Huffington Post and i don’t know why it came from the UK version. see, this is what happens when you don’t get these updates out the door IMMEDIATELY.

“Police detained Christie Dawn Harris, 28, after a sweep of her car yielded crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, a pistol and some ammo. After being taken to the local jail a police sniffer dog indicated she needed to be searched further. After initially refusing – pleading she was on her period – Harris was eventually cavity searched revealing the previously undetected items, the gun’s handle reportedly protruding from between her thighs. The weapon inside her vagina was a .22-caliber revolver loaded with three live rounds and one spent shell.”

okay, questions:

#01. what was the point of not giving up the gun? she’s already busted for gun possession if ANOTHER gun was found in the car. i can’t imagine that a tiny pistol is the handiest weapon to have in prison (although i guess you COULD sell it or use it, so it’s not worthless). i guess it just seems to me that what’s most likely is you get caught with it at some point and eat more charges, and this time, ones that are ever HARDER to dodge.

#02. one spent shell? you mean you’ve got the foresight to keep a handgun in your snatch for emergencies, but NOT to make sure its skimpy 4-shot capacity is fully ready for action? or was it tucked up there AFTER use? because if the latter is true… well, now i REALLY don’t want to get into a fight with this Christie Dawn Harris character.

also, always with the women and using their time of the month as a proverbial get-out-of-jail-free card, am i right?

“Harris pleaded guilty last month to possession of drugs with intent to supply, possession of a gun and bringing contraband into jail. She was also ordered to pay $1,300 in fines, reports The Smoking Gun.”

i’ve never understood the point of fines in situations like this. i mean, okay, i understand the POINT of the fines. but is some meth-smoking woman with a handgun jammed into her twat likely to be the kind of woman who can pay a $1300 fine, especially in light of her recent plea to drug, gun and smuggling charges? i mean, you’re never going to see that money, so the fines just seem MEAN, if you ask me.

“When the news of her original arrest was broadcast WGN-TV anchor Robin Baumgarten wept with laughter (see video below) as she delivered the news, exclaiming “What?!” Her co-anchor Larry Postash added: “The old caboose pistol; everybody has one.””

good work, Robin and Larry, because that is the EXACT proper way to respond to a story like this one. seriously. who the fuck keeps a straight face when talking about a woman with a heater tucked away (well, MOSTLY tucked away) in her most private of areas? exactly.

Snake in toilet illustration
note: the below article LITERALLY captioned this picture with “Snake in toilet illustration”; i find this unspeakably lame

man’s penis bitten by snake while relieving himself in toilet

well, i mean, if this week’s theme is “awkward things happening that involve people’s genitals…”

anyway, so to start, i think this story has throw guys for a loop, because it seems like either you have to go with something lame like “snake bites man’s ‘snake’ on the toilet” (really? man’s “snake?”) or else something that seems redundant like the above “Haifa man’s penis bitten by snake while relieving himself in toilet.” was i supposed to assume he might have been doing something ELSE in the toilet?

“A man was rushed to a hospital after a snake bit his penis while he was relieving himself in a toilet, according to hospital officials in Israel.”

which i suppose DOES raise the question of, hey, how exactly was he relieving himself that he didn’t see the snake AND the snake was close enough to bite his penis? because it certainly sounds like there’s some jokes to be made about men sitting down to urinate…

“The man, 35, of northern Israel was bitten on Friday after the snake suddenly appeared from inside the toilet. The man suffered minor injuries.”

again, a little redundant: isn’t it obvious that the snake “suddenly appeared?” i mean… would this man have started urinating into a toilet and onto a snake if it was just chilling there in blatant view? i will give this guy a little credit and assume otherwise.

“Magen David Adom rescue workers responded to the scene and took the man to Rambam Medical Center in Haifa, where he received medical treatment. An examination revealed that the snake was not poisonous. The man told emergency workers that this all happened after he went to the bathroom to relieve himself and suddenly felt a strong burning sensation in his penis.”

not going to make an STD joke, not going to make an STD joke, not going to make an STD joke…

“One of the paramedics said the man told him that he has seen the snake and the snake was very small. According to the paramedic, despite the location of the injury, the man managed to stay calm and even had a laugh with workers at his own expense.”

so i guess i understand WHY you’d tell him, “relax, man, it was a small snake,” but when the snake’s just taken a bite out of your genitals, i don’t imagine you feel much better knowing it was a SMALL snake. like, if a catfish swims up into your penis and attaches itself with with barbs, you don’t feel better because the doctor goes, “well, i’m going to have to open your penis to remove the fish, but relax, it’s a SMALL catfish with SMALL barbs,” right?

“”This is the first time I’ve seen a snake bite like this,” the paramedic said. “Luckily, all tests seem fine and the man is feeling well,” the paramedic added.”

also, i know paramedics, like cops, have usually seen a lot in their time, but let’s be honest: shouldn’t any time a paramedic sees a man who’s been bitten in the dick by a snake be the first time? don’t the odds pretty much dictate no paramedic will see this injury twice? and also, if that’s NOT true, then remind me to move the fuck away from wherever the paramedics live where they see this kind of thing all the time. goddamn.

also, and let’s all be adults and not draw a connection between genitals and this…

AR-180 meets M76 in

feel free to fire up “My Little ArmaLite” to celebrate the AR-180. or… wait, i don’t have a sassy Finnish song to celebrate the Valmet.

so what’s been happening in the great state of MD is that due to the intense wait times (i think we recall an 11-week wait for a stripped lower), FFLs have started releasing early (as in, before MD returns their “not disapproved” background check) based on criteria determined by the dealer. so it just so happens that i was able to meet two different FFLs demands in the same damn week. and if it makes anyone feel better, that was 100+ days for the AR-180 and maybe 20-30 less for the Valmet. go Maryland! not really sure what’s going on with the Valmet’s stock having that bonus pad, but this is what happens when you’re trying to meet a lot of goals by a deadline.

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