50% making fun of racist drunk, 50% guns guns guns. blame Maryland’s illustrious governor for this

Joe Rickey Hundley
Joe Rickey Hundley: “okay, i admit that i am racist and hate children, but i am not THAT much of a drunk!”

man pleads guilty to slapping toddler on Delta flight

so i was walking into work the other morning and this story came on the television, with the declaration from the man in question (AKA Joe Rickey Hundley, whose name is apparently being styled like that of a serial killer) that alcohol “may have been a factor in his actions.” say what?

“The man accused of slapping a toddler on a Delta Air Lines flight early this year pleaded guilty in federal court Wednesday afternoon. Joe Rickey Hundley agreed to a plea deal with prosecutors in which he could serve up to six months in federal prison, instead of a maximum one-year term he would have faced if he had gone to trial and lost.

Hundley, 61, and his attorney acknowledged that alcohol may have been a factor in his actions on Feb. 8, but both gave more weight to the fact that Hundley’s son was about to die. “I discussed the issues over grief… in AA meetings I’ve been going to since February,” Hundley said when U.S. Magistrate Judge Alan Baverman asked whether he’d been to counseling since the incident.”

MAY have been a factor, mind you; sure, he was accused of slapping a toddler and yelling a related racial slur, but how dare you consider him to be a drunk of any sort? in fact, isn’t the way this is supposed to work that you do something awful and/or racist and then, after the fact, run with the excuse that “oh, yeah, i was totally drunk and thus needed to yell slurs!” at least that’s what i learned from that episode of Law & Order: SVU where Chevy Chase is a horrible version of drunk racist Mel Gibson and i just wish Chevy Chase was dead.

also… how does the fact that your son was/is about to die make you want to yell a slur at a baby? still not getting that one. well, let’s read on:

“Hundley was arrested after allegedly striking a 19-month-old baby during a flight from Minneapolis to Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, prosecutors said. Assistant U.S. Attorney Suzette Smikle said Hundley was seated on the row with Jessica Bennett, whose 19-month-old son stood in the rear of the plane during much of the flight. But as the flight descended into Atlanta that evening, the little boy likely became irritated by the change in altitude and began crying, prosecutors said.

Smikle said Hundley used a racial slur when he addressed Bennett about the crying child. “Ms. Bennett said, ‘What did you say?'” Smikle told the court. “Mr. Hundley leaned over and fell against the face of Ms. Bennett.” Bennett told authorities after the flight that Hundley told her to “shut that (racial slur) baby up,” then slapped the child in the face with an open hand, leaving a scratch beneath the toddler’s eye, according to a federal affidavit. “He appeared to be intoxicated at the time,” Smikle said Wednesday in court.”

now, the most i could see is if Hundley hadn’t really used a slur and Bennett said, “well, if i add that he threw in a racial slur, it’ll make him sound TERRIBLE and help my case.” but we’d still be talking about a drunk guy that slapped a toddler, so frankly, i am quite inclined to believe he did all of the above things… especially since his argument is less “i might get drunk occasionally, but i would never yell a racial slur at a baby” and more “GRIEF MADE ME A RACIST BABY-PUNCHER!” i find the latter to be… less packed with veracity.

“Hundley initially pleaded not guilty, and was due to fight the charge in a trial set to begin Thursday. But his attorney Marcia Shein said he decided on Tuesday to enter a guilty plea. “He couldn’t take it anymore,” Shein said after the plea hearing.

She said he was traveling to Atlanta that February evening after having been awake for 24 hours straight to have his adult son, who was lying brain-dead in a metro hospital, taken off life support. Hundley’s son, Shein said, had intentionally taken an overdose of insulin, and died shortly after that. “He lost a child,” she said of the elder Hundley. “And to hear a child scream … he lost it. He was up for 24 hours determining whether to unplug his son.”

now, i don’t mean to minimize the fact that if your son has to be taken off life support, it’s very traumatic… but let’s be honest here, was this really not something more along the lines of “i was completely stressed out (possibly because of the whole scenario with my son) and the sound of a child crying was TURBO-ANNOYING and thus i reacted out of mindless rage?” obviously you can’t say that and expect a jury to say “SET THIS HERO FREE,” so you have to run with something else… but i’ll tell you, i have seen a lot of people deep in episodes of grief, and none of them have felt compelled to slap a child.

and again… what about grief makes you want to yell racial slurs? oh wait, his lawyer had something to add:

“Shein said her client admits drinking during the flight. “Certainly, he’d had at least one cocktail and he lost his cool,” she said. “He shouldn’t have, obviously, and that’s what he’s paying the price for.””

now, okay, if you mean he’s paying the price “for losing his cool,” fine, we’ll come back to this… but if you mean he’s paying the price for having had “at least one cocktail”… look, let’s be clear about this, he’s paying the price for SLAPPING A TODDLER IN THE FACE. somehow i suspect that if he’d, say, just drunkenly yelled racial slurs in the face of the toddler, he wouldn’t be going to jail for six months.

“An executive for an aviation company in Idaho, Hundley was fired from his job amid the media attention to the allegations. And he hasn’t worked full-time since, he said in court. The plea agreement requires him to seek drug or alcohol treatment and undergo anger-management counseling. “I’ve already enrolled in” an anger management program “and am seeking approval of the government,” Hundley told Baverman in court. “We would ask for probation,” Shein said. “He’s already lost his son and his job.””

again, i understand they’re basically saying “go easy on this asshole because his life has been rough recently”… but come on, while you can argue the job loss thing WAS punishment for this child-slapping, his son dying is not “punishment” he suffered as a result of his actions. in fact, thinking about it, it doesn’t even seem that Hundley is SORRY for slapping this child, just that he feels justified because he was sad at the time.

“Shein said although her client admitted guilt, neither she nor Hundley agreed completely with the allegations. “The racial slur was not the basis for the injury to the child,” she told Baverman.”

nice. this is code for “well, we admit he said the slur, but it should be irrelevant for the purposes of punishing me for this crime.” which, okay, maybe it’s not what he should be SENTENCED for (that would be “slapping a toddler”), but if your concern about the allegations is “well, sure, he was drunk and proceeded to yell a slur and slap a child, but he’s not admitting the slur hurt the child”… i don’t know, i guess a lawyer has to argue these things, but again, i would just have gone with “he was tragically drunk and he’s sorry he’s an asshole.” then again, i am not a lawyer.

also, a little belated, but:

AR-180 meets M76 in

the final (well, if you don’t count lowers for projects) actions before our “lovely” Maryland ban took place: the SIG 551, which i really wish i had the means to construct one of those crazy super-magazines for by clipping four or five 30-round magazines together with their little integral clips (but i won’t, thanks Maryland); and the Steyr AUG, which with that barrel length, i have to admit, is SO GODDAMN TINY. in fact, it’s tiny enough that if it wasn’t banned by name, it would still be too short to pass the “copycat” test. also, please don’t ask me how a “copycat” test is about features and length and not being copies of banned rifles. just… just don’t try to make sense out of it.

of course, if you DO count lowers for projects (and maybe we should, since i listed that last one)…

so damn many Engage Armament E4 lowers

yeah, a couple of things to work out post-10.01. but given the way this year has gone, i think it’s pretty clear these are going to be longer-term projects and not anything that i will be funding the completion of any time soon.

somehow, this update got VERY genital-themed. accordingly, i regret making it a “new gun” update

alright, in order to compensate for that ridiculous Swayze mess that took up so much time last time, i think we all know what we have to do here: quickly make fun of some things we saw in the news at some point and keep it moving. i mean, i don’t want to be too excited about it, i don’t want to be dismissive… hey, it is what it is. and i am pretty sure we’ve done THIS kind of introduction before. so… here we go!

Christie Dawn Harris
here in Oklahoma, we keep it 100% classy

Christie Dawn Harris, woman arrested with loaded gun in vagina, sentenced to 25 years

so i understand that i am appealing to the lowest common denominator by running with a story like THAT, but there are two things from the title alone that make me LOVE this story:

#01. the way it’s worded, doesn’t it make it seem like the specific reason she got 25 years was that she put a gun in her vagina? as if the state of Oklahoma was saying, “yeah, the meth and illegal gun possession are bad things, but wait, you put the gun IN YOUR VAGINA?! well, miss, you’re never getting out of prison again. THUS SAYETH OKLAHOMA.”

#02. the fact that this phrase –“woman arrested with loaded gun in vagina”– will be how Christie Dawn Harris will be known for the rest of her life, barring, of course, her becoming president or winning the Nobel Peace Prize or something on that level. people that don’t know her and would NEVER know her will know she’s “that woman who was arrested with a loaded gun in her vagina.” people who DO know her for many reasons will probably still think of her as “that woman who was arrested with a loaded gun in her vagina.” and this is funny to me. it sort of reminds me of this long-ago Denis Leary bit that i am 99% sure he didn’t steal from Bill Hicks about people remembered for something absurd (specifically in his case, being killed by a poodle falling from an apartment building onto someone’s head).

“An American woman found to be hiding a loaded gun in her vagina and a bag of crystal meth in her buttocks when she was arrested, has been sentenced to 25 years in prison.”

also, i may have forgotten to mention that this article is from the UK version of the Huffinton Post for some reason. as in, i don’t know why i got it from the Huffington Post and i don’t know why it came from the UK version. see, this is what happens when you don’t get these updates out the door IMMEDIATELY.

“Police detained Christie Dawn Harris, 28, after a sweep of her car yielded crystal meth, drug paraphernalia, a pistol and some ammo. After being taken to the local jail a police sniffer dog indicated she needed to be searched further. After initially refusing – pleading she was on her period – Harris was eventually cavity searched revealing the previously undetected items, the gun’s handle reportedly protruding from between her thighs. The weapon inside her vagina was a .22-caliber revolver loaded with three live rounds and one spent shell.”

okay, questions:

#01. what was the point of not giving up the gun? she’s already busted for gun possession if ANOTHER gun was found in the car. i can’t imagine that a tiny pistol is the handiest weapon to have in prison (although i guess you COULD sell it or use it, so it’s not worthless). i guess it just seems to me that what’s most likely is you get caught with it at some point and eat more charges, and this time, ones that are ever HARDER to dodge.

#02. one spent shell? you mean you’ve got the foresight to keep a handgun in your snatch for emergencies, but NOT to make sure its skimpy 4-shot capacity is fully ready for action? or was it tucked up there AFTER use? because if the latter is true… well, now i REALLY don’t want to get into a fight with this Christie Dawn Harris character.

also, always with the women and using their time of the month as a proverbial get-out-of-jail-free card, am i right?

“Harris pleaded guilty last month to possession of drugs with intent to supply, possession of a gun and bringing contraband into jail. She was also ordered to pay $1,300 in fines, reports The Smoking Gun.”

i’ve never understood the point of fines in situations like this. i mean, okay, i understand the POINT of the fines. but is some meth-smoking woman with a handgun jammed into her twat likely to be the kind of woman who can pay a $1300 fine, especially in light of her recent plea to drug, gun and smuggling charges? i mean, you’re never going to see that money, so the fines just seem MEAN, if you ask me.

“When the news of her original arrest was broadcast WGN-TV anchor Robin Baumgarten wept with laughter (see video below) as she delivered the news, exclaiming “What?!” Her co-anchor Larry Postash added: “The old caboose pistol; everybody has one.””

good work, Robin and Larry, because that is the EXACT proper way to respond to a story like this one. seriously. who the fuck keeps a straight face when talking about a woman with a heater tucked away (well, MOSTLY tucked away) in her most private of areas? exactly.

Snake in toilet illustration
note: the below article LITERALLY captioned this picture with “Snake in toilet illustration”; i find this unspeakably lame

man’s penis bitten by snake while relieving himself in toilet

well, i mean, if this week’s theme is “awkward things happening that involve people’s genitals…”

anyway, so to start, i think this story has throw guys for a loop, because it seems like either you have to go with something lame like “snake bites man’s ‘snake’ on the toilet” (really? man’s “snake?”) or else something that seems redundant like the above “Haifa man’s penis bitten by snake while relieving himself in toilet.” was i supposed to assume he might have been doing something ELSE in the toilet?

“A man was rushed to a hospital after a snake bit his penis while he was relieving himself in a toilet, according to hospital officials in Israel.”

which i suppose DOES raise the question of, hey, how exactly was he relieving himself that he didn’t see the snake AND the snake was close enough to bite his penis? because it certainly sounds like there’s some jokes to be made about men sitting down to urinate…

“The man, 35, of northern Israel was bitten on Friday after the snake suddenly appeared from inside the toilet. The man suffered minor injuries.”

again, a little redundant: isn’t it obvious that the snake “suddenly appeared?” i mean… would this man have started urinating into a toilet and onto a snake if it was just chilling there in blatant view? i will give this guy a little credit and assume otherwise.

“Magen David Adom rescue workers responded to the scene and took the man to Rambam Medical Center in Haifa, where he received medical treatment. An examination revealed that the snake was not poisonous. The man told emergency workers that this all happened after he went to the bathroom to relieve himself and suddenly felt a strong burning sensation in his penis.”

not going to make an STD joke, not going to make an STD joke, not going to make an STD joke…

“One of the paramedics said the man told him that he has seen the snake and the snake was very small. According to the paramedic, despite the location of the injury, the man managed to stay calm and even had a laugh with workers at his own expense.”

so i guess i understand WHY you’d tell him, “relax, man, it was a small snake,” but when the snake’s just taken a bite out of your genitals, i don’t imagine you feel much better knowing it was a SMALL snake. like, if a catfish swims up into your penis and attaches itself with with barbs, you don’t feel better because the doctor goes, “well, i’m going to have to open your penis to remove the fish, but relax, it’s a SMALL catfish with SMALL barbs,” right?

“”This is the first time I’ve seen a snake bite like this,” the paramedic said. “Luckily, all tests seem fine and the man is feeling well,” the paramedic added.”

also, i know paramedics, like cops, have usually seen a lot in their time, but let’s be honest: shouldn’t any time a paramedic sees a man who’s been bitten in the dick by a snake be the first time? don’t the odds pretty much dictate no paramedic will see this injury twice? and also, if that’s NOT true, then remind me to move the fuck away from wherever the paramedics live where they see this kind of thing all the time. goddamn.

also, and let’s all be adults and not draw a connection between genitals and this…

AR-180 meets M76 in

feel free to fire up “My Little ArmaLite” to celebrate the AR-180. or… wait, i don’t have a sassy Finnish song to celebrate the Valmet.

so what’s been happening in the great state of MD is that due to the intense wait times (i think we recall an 11-week wait for a stripped lower), FFLs have started releasing early (as in, before MD returns their “not disapproved” background check) based on criteria determined by the dealer. so it just so happens that i was able to meet two different FFLs demands in the same damn week. and if it makes anyone feel better, that was 100+ days for the AR-180 and maybe 20-30 less for the Valmet. go Maryland! not really sure what’s going on with the Valmet’s stock having that bonus pad, but this is what happens when you’re trying to meet a lot of goals by a deadline.

between dog pounds and passed-out women, there’s nothing that won’t get sexually assaulted by America’s men

ah… when in doubt, go back to the standard of ripping on the sad and sordid events in the lives of those around us. it’s certain a lot more time-efficient than when we’re trying to develop “legitimate updates” or things like that; you know, the stuff that FEELS more satisfying, but seldom gets better results. although i have to admit that we got active props for a legitimate update in the semi-recent past, so maybe i am totally off-base on that last claim. anyway, anyway, here we go with the awful news:

Gerardo Perez
i would like to quote Biohazard here to say “these eyes have seen inhuman things,” but that might add too much levity to the life of this dogfucker

man charged with having sex with pit bull at city pound

so, beyond the fact that i find the whole “guy decided to have sex with a pit bull” thing wrong, there’s definitely a higher level of problem at work here. again, yes, to be redundant, that in and of itself is a pretty high level of “you’ve really made some mistakes in your life,” but let’s move past that and get into ripping on this specific situation:

“A 50-year-old man who had been on a tour at the city pound was charged with having sex with a pit bull, prosecutors said in court today. Gerardo Perez, of the 2500 block of West 38th Street, was charged with having sexual conduct with an animal, a felony, and burglary, according to police.”

slight tangent: why does it matter that this Gerardo Perez character is 50 years old? okay, i would guess that this is just an attempt to describe the gentleman further, but it still seems a little weird to me, as if it’s going to make a huge difference regarding his crime (whether in the sense of “why did this happen” or “how can we penalize this dogfucker” or whatever else) what his specific age is. eh, whatever, let’s focus on the actual story again:

“Perez was arrested after he and a group took a tour of the Chicago Animal Care and Control Facility at 2741 S. Western Ave. on May 29, prosecutors said. After the man broke off from the tour group, an employee of the facility spotted him going into a restricted area, prosecutors said. After the employee told the man to leave the restricted area, the man left but returned a short time later.”

now, at THIS point, if you didn’t know what this guy Perez was getting charged with, you’d probably think (or at least HOPE) that it was going to prove to be something like “the world’s most obvious attempt to steal cat tranquilizers to get high” or something along those lines. although i suppose it’s a sad commentary on modern society when the thought of some poor man stealing animal medication to get high is the GOOD scenario.

“When the employee returned, he found the man inside the restricted area again and inside a cage with a white and grey pit bull, prosecutors said. The employee found the man on his hands and knees on the side of the dog, and it appeared the man had just had sexual contact with the animal, prosecutors said. The man made “inculpatory statements regarding sexual conduct with the dog” to several employees of the facility, police said.”

but no, he didn’t want to get high, he wanted to fuck a dog. and for some reason, he wanted to go about his animal sex crime in the MOST complicated way possible: secure a tour of an animal care facility, sneak away from this tour and find a dog, and then fuck this dog INSIDE the goddamn animal care facility. you know, where he’s surrounded by personnel who could presumably catch him in the act and get him arrested. i guess this is the animal rapist equivalent of fucking in public to make it more exciting?

also… i have to wonder why the writer of the average story in the Chicago Tribune is dropping “inculpatory” into his article (although i SUPPOSE we could accuse this random unnamed police spokesman of it) instead of, say, running with something like “incriminating.” is “inculpatory” really the 100% best word for this situation? that can be our debate for today.

“After the man gave his license to a security guard at the facility, the police arrested him at his home on Friday, police said. The burglary charge involved his being in the restricted area of the facility, according to court officials. His bail was set at $80,000.”

and you know what has to suck? getting caught FUCKING A DOG, then being allowed to go home after providing your identification and waiting there to get slammed with the charges for it. like, seriously, just immediately put the dogfucker in jail and get it over with, you know? anything else is just cruel. although possibly not as cruel as the rape inflicted on a dog, so maybe it all averages out to a wash.

Rodger William Kelly
Rodger William Kelly: saving women’s lives through rape since 20- WAIT, YOU CAN’T SAVE LIVES THAT WAY

man, 50, allegedly raped his unconscious neighbor to keep her warm

well… there isn’t much else to say about that title, so perhaps we should just dive into it.

“A suspected Utah rapist claims he only had sex with his unconscious neighbor to try to keep her warm.”

so i suppose if you’re busted for raping someone, there’s a limited number of explanations you can give for it… although usually i would think it would be more along the lines of “the sexual was consensual and now she is lying after the fact,” as this veers into the realm of possibility. rape to save someone’s life, on the other hand, i admit i have a harder time believing.

“Rodger William Kelly allegedly told cops he was “trying to save her life” as he inserted his penis into the knocked-out 29-year-old.”

also, i don’t want to be seen as making light of a rape victim, but GODDAMNIT is this a hilarious way to phrase the situation.

“The 50-year-old said he found the woman passed out May 19 on her porch on returning to his St. George home. He reportedly carried her into his apartment, laid her on his bed, hugged her and then had sex with her to “warm her up.” Paramedics were called to find Kelly giving his alleged victim CPR.”

truthfully, the part that makes this REALLY weird –i mean, beyond the part where Kelly attempted to save someone’s life through the liberal use of his penis– is that paramedics arrived (and, to be fair, it’s completely unclear who called them and why) to find Kelly trying to give her CPR, something traditional done strictly for life-saving reasons. so the question is, did Kelly legitimately find her passed out, get concerned, and then run through his methodology of hugs, then sex, then CPR in a sincere attempt to save this woman’s life?

“On waking up, she suspected she’d been raped and called cops. They found bruises on her pelvis and upper thighs.”

“…in addition to the fact that she was in a strange man’s house where he was giving her CPR.”

“But a rape kit was reportedly inconclusive because her genital area had been cleaned up as she was passed out, The Salt Lake Tribune reports. Court documents stated: “He said he did place it [his penis] inside of her to try and get her temperature up.””

also, considering that this woman was unconscious and the rape kit was inconclusive, should we be giving this man any credit for owning up to his sex crime? because i really don’t think we should, but this is such a WEIRD case, you know? it has completely disrupted my thought process. and frankly, if Kelly was right all along and he DID save this woman’s life, is it right that he be jailed for his medical aid?

“Kelly was arrested Monday and charged with one count of first-degree felony rape.”

yeah, it’s right.

also, i think we had this happen…

stripped RRA lower

in keeping with the current MD insanity, this fine little stripped lower (to be treated as a regulated firearm even though, clearly, it is powerless on its own) took not the expected 7-day waiting period… nor the 9 weeks, 2 days total of the prior transaction… but an all-around excellent ELEVEN WEEKS. frankly, this is getting a little ridiculous, especially considering the whole “i guess this legally qualifies as a firearm despite the fact that by itself, it can’t do much” thing. still… it’s home and that’s excellent. hooray!

“and i don’t need no jokes for this shit…”

yeah, not really an update that’s going to be packed with jokes, i admit. it happens sometimes when you’re hammering this stuff out. so bear with me; i know with all the gun stuff, it’s been a little lean on the humor around here.

so anyways, recently my mother and i were talking about that whole Boston Marathon bombing (so you can see how long it took me to get this update polished off, ha) and her contention was that this wasn’t about religion or politics or the flashy stuff like that, but more simply, about the fact that these Tsarnaev kids couldn’t relate to Americans, American society whatever. this might be partially because of all her employment as a teacher –somehow i figure watching kids succeed or fail at socializing plays a big role in all that– but either way, i think i agree. i made the point over the last couple of weeks in between the gun rants, but if you want my opinion, it’s all part of the same problem: in the aftermath of events like Newtown’s shooting or Boston’s bombing, we immediately starting hearing “BAN CERTAIN GUNS” or “BAN ALL GUNS” or “BAN BLACK POWDER” instead of addressing the underlying problems with the drug war or proper mental health care or, hell, just assimilating the people who feel disenfranchised into society. the latter guys can ALWAYS crash an SUV into a crowd of people even if they can’t get a gun or a bomb, because they have a fundamental problem that no one gives a shit about.

and this is what reminded me of the movie Falling Down.

Falling Down
“the adventures of an ordinary man at war with the everyday world”; frankly, i think this tagline describes an entirely different movie

ah… Falling Down. it’s not a great movie; it might be a fun movie, but not a great one. but this was 1992 (right before our AWB came into effect, oddly enough), and we had a different set of things to be furiously outraged by. immigrant shopkeepers overcharging us! the menace of gang members! pushy panhandlers! disappointing fast food restaurants! it’s one of those films that tries really hard to mean well –they take great pains for the hero, Michael Douglas’ Foster, who shoots it out with minority gang members, to distinguish himself from a Nazi shop owner, and clearly by the end, he realizes his spree is NOT heroic and all– but which probably can only be kind of a fun mess.

anyway, the part of this film that i personally best recall is unrelated to a lot of this: to steal Wikipedia’s description of this, “Foster passes a bank where a black man is protesting being rejected for a loan application. The man exchanges a glance with Foster and says “don’t forget me” as he is escorted away by police.” and that’s about it; Vondie Curtis-Hall is protesting outside a bank in a much more socially-appropriate fashion because the bank’s deemed him “not economically viable,” passersby (and the average viewer who’s wanting to watch Michael Douglas blow up things that make him unhappy) could not care less, and he’s ultimately taken away by the police, during which point he asks Douglas not to forget him.

Not Economically Viable Man
obviously his statement worked, because 21 years later, i STILL have this bit stuck in my head

now, okay, this is a throwaway bit in a film (and thus the kind of thing i LOVE to obsess over) and Curtis-Hall’s character has specific beefs and motivations and all that. i get it. but on some level it comes across to me in a different way: Curtis-Hall’s part of society, he’s worked for years, he’s seeking a loan. this is not the actions of a criminal or malcontent (as far as we know), yet for some reason he finds himself impersonally rejected as “not economically viable.” and what do you do with the resultant anger, something which is not unique to this particular circumstance? you could stand outside the bank and protest, you could blow up a construction site, whatever. but what you REALLY want is for people to just give a shit. to NOTICE you when you’re outside the bank protesting, whether or not they agree with your situation. you know what happens when they don’t? more disaffection with society. tell me where this leads.

and this is what reminded me of the show OZ.

OZ
“a series chronicling the daily activities of an unusual prison facility and its criminal inhabitants”

ah… OZ. maybe not a great show, maybe more of a soap opera for men, provided you like a lot of murder and ass-rape in your soap opera. still, it had a lot of moments beyond merely being an edgy, envelope-pushing drama for HBO to run with back in the day before they really hit it big with that impeccable the Wire/the Sopranos/Deadwood triumvirate (which may still be the best ever trio of actively-running shows on a single network). those of you that DO fondly recall it (presuming that list is not restricted to just me) may specifically recall the little opening/between act/closing monologues from Augustus Hill (played by Harold Perrineau Jr.). he had some good ones –i specifically enjoy the one about Jesus spending time in jail, which is a supremely great close-out to an episode– but all this does make me think of the one from the season two episode, “Great Men.”

Augustus Hill
“Yo, imagine being remembered for a thousand years. The things you did when you was alive reaching across time and touching the lives of people not yet born. That’s a dream. That’s why people write books, start religions, find cures, run for President. But me? I don’t wanna be a great man. I don’t care if I’m remembered for the next thousand years. All I ask is, if we pass on the street, notice me.”

yeah, i can’t remember the number of times i have felt personally slighted by something someone has done, with it not being 100% the act itself, but also the fact that it implies someone could just not be bothered to give the slightest fuck about my existence. and frankly, i feel well-integrated in society, so i can only imagine how much further THAT goes when you’re talking about someone who’s not.

but whatever. maybe we’ll be more upbeat next time around these parts. 2013 is kind of a downer of a year, to be honest.

but on the other hand…

DSA SA58

so, the rundown: Maryland’s passing this new assault weapon ban, so your hero is trying desperate to score a couple of things on that list before time runs out that, otherwise, he’ll be missing out on FOREVER (or until i leave this state, but as Coolio once said, “as much as i hate this motherfucker… i love this motherfucker). anyway, i decided to throw mega-dollars at this domestically-produced FN FAL, which is a DSA SA58, to be specific, and it’s very, very nice; a FAL/SA58/whatever model is just a gun i have spurned before because of price. but not anymore! now to find some additional rifles…

anyway, the process is supposed to take 3 days to run, with a 7-day waiting period being mandatory, but due to all the furious gun-buying going on between the election, the post-Newtown threats of federal bans, and my state stuff, i was told it would take 5 WEEKS… and it took 9 weeks and 2 days total. fuck this state. but, anyway, it’s here! it’s like bringing a newborn baby home! success!

in which i steal Bruce McCullough’s idea and relate it to people who just don’t know how to act with their trucks and their conversations

so, time to do this thing again: the good old house of hate “open letter to (insert group here).” now, i admit i am, as always, way behind on my updates. the “dates” these things get published are almost 100% fiction at this point. but to be clear, don’t think i am running with this because i am trying to catch up: these things happened, your hero (that would still be janklow at this point) got TOTALLY OUTRAGED, and thus the internet must be informed. so, without any further delay or unnecessary introduction, we should get right to it, no?

and now, janklow with an open letter to the people who have been seriously out of line regarding the use of their trucks and how they chat recently.

giant trucks, parking like jerks
fuck you, people who drive and park poorly with their trucks, fuck you

well, why did you do it? are you some sort of jerk or something? do you not understand how to park your cars like reasonable people? do you not understand how to drive them like responsible adults? and do you not understand where and how to have a chat about long-winded, emotional matters? do you not know that we’re living in a society? and that we’re supposed to act in a civilized way?

so let’s talk about a couple of things:

what the fuck are you people doing with your trucks

now, i know we’ve all been in that situation where you’re trying to park and you see some guy’s EXCESSIVE pick-up taking up two or three spaces and you think, “man, who the hell does this guy think he is?” while this is incredibly rude, and while i will never truly understand why someone wants to park in a public place with a massive truck, on some level i can understand that MAYBE you have this truck for legitimately reasons and MAYBE you can’t afford multiple cars and MAYBE this means you have to take that giant truck when you want to go out to dinner or to the movies or whatever else you’re doing. FINE. i will come to terms with this. but i have two remaining issues:

one, there’s an intersection where i work that’s on the way out, which means it sees a fair amount of cross traffic; if nothing else, this means one would like to be able to see both ways to avoid getting mashed in my tiny little compact car. and yet, at least two of the guys who work in the building near this intersection have been parking alongside this intersection in a way that obstructs one’s view because they drive MASSIVE GODDAMN TRUCKS. now, i don’t know why they park on the road as opposed to in their parking area; this concept alone does not sadden me. but there’s plenty of roadside parking near this facility that’s not RIGHT NEXT TO THE INTERSECTION. this is just unacceptable.

two, one day after i drive home after another day of dodging those trucks, i pull up at a local intersection that’s notorious for the number of accidents that occur there (per capita, at least). it’s one where there’s a turn lane on the right hand side that’s meant for people to turn without stopping for the majority of traffic, but which, as we all know, is primarily used by people who want to zoom ahead of their fellow man. this particular day, though, it’s not the average car or SUV, but rather a MASSIVE GODDAMN TRUCK … that’s hauling a fucking giant trailer. A TRAILER. do i need to break down how absolutely inconsiderate this is to everyone who’s trying to drive like normal? fuck that guy.

how the fuck you people are having your conversations these days

so i’m stopping to fill my car with gasoline (and presumably asking myself how i shall be getting INCREDIBLY OUTRAGED today), and upon walking into the station, i realize that i find myself running the gauntlet of four or five men who have stationed themselves on both sides of the entrance, and are having some kind of emotional meeting. while i would like to say that i respect their ill-advised decision to have an emotional meeting in a gas station, i would really prefer if people could do so in a manner that doesn’t force me (or anyone else) to run through the midst of a crowd of middle-aged men talking breathlessly. i honestly don’t think that is THAT much to ask. but maybe that’s just me?

now i do understand that sometimes you have a spontaneous meeting in public that evolves into an impromptu conversation that takes a surprising amount of time, but typically, considerate people nudge that conversation out of the way of everyone else. further (and as i said on the internet prior to this), if they were having some kind of conversation about Serious Business (for example, discussing which of their team of Bad Enough Dudes was going to rescue the president), i’d be fine with it, but this looked like it was going to break out into uncontrollable sobbing within the next ten minutes.

WHEW. i feel better. also, things that have nothing to do with this…

Savage 110

like i always say, it’s not a Super Bowl party until someone sells you a rifle. i suppose, what with all the recent legislation, that i should just embrace the scoped, deer rifle thing all the fudds have going on. so here we go! this will, of course, last until i get something cooler.

in which Richard Cohen makes a thinly-veiled dirge to his increasing inability to sex up young women

so let me just say that as soon as i FINALLY put the finishing touches on the update i am for-real, i-swear wrapping up for 11.16, i’ll put some kind of emergency “HOLY SHIT IT’S FINISHED” link at the top of the page. i mean, it’s not going to be GOOD when all is said and done, but it will at least be finished and i’ll be able to die unhappy. for right now, however, we’ll have to settle for running with a moderately more current update in which we examine the creepy behavior of the Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen. he’s talking about Skyfall… or Daniel Craig… or something vaguely related to it for some reason…

Richard Cohen
Richard Cohen: his creepy face is helping to take this article to a whole new level

James Bond and the new sex appeal

so, to be honest, i really don’t understand this concept based on the title alone, because a) i have always operated under the premise that James Bond was supposed to be a sex symbol and b) on first glance, there’s nothing “new” about the current Bond’s sex appeal: he’s a good-looking secret agent who fucks all the ladies WELL and murders all the evil guys. this is pretty much the formula we’ve been running with since the beginning of James Bond, if i am not mistaken. but, okay, let’s indulge this conceit and climb into the article:

“In the new James Bond movie, “Skyfall,” Daniel Craig takes off his shirt and examines his wounds. There appear to be two of them — small holes on his skin from bullets fired at the beginning of the movie. He touches his wounds and winces. So do I. Bond is in pain from his wounds. I am in pain from all the hours he has spent in the gym.”

so i am GUESSING this is going in the direction of “i find the good looks of Daniel Craig distressing for some reason,” unless i am supposed to believe that Richard Cohen has some kind of weird Gamera-Asagi bond with Daniel Craig that results in him being injured whenever Craig is injured. in fact, that IS what i now choose to believe. throw that more reasonable assumption right out the damn window for this new train of pure ridiculousness!

“This Bond ripples with muscles. Craig is 44, but neither gravity nor age has done its evil work on him. Nothing about him looks natural, relaxed — a man in the prime of his life and enjoying it. Instead, I see a man chasing youth on a treadmill, performing sets and reps, a clean and press, a weighted knee raise, an incline pushup and, finally, something called an incline pec fly (don’t ask). I take these terms from the Daniel Craig Workout, which you can do, too, if your agent and publicist so insist. Otherwise, I recommend a book.”

at this point, i guess i have to go back to my “Richard Cohen’s jealous rage” theory, which DOES make more sense than anything involving Gamera, but there appear to be two major flaws in Cohen’s reasoning already:

01. that’s there’s something WRONG with a 44-year-old man running on a treadmill, lifting weights and doing other exercises to stay in shape. look, 44 years of age is NOT the prime of your life and you CAN enjoy keeping yourself fit. that’s how you fight the gravity and age! i understand if the average guy doesn’t have the means or time for that level of workout, but let’s not act like it’s INCONCEIVABLE;
02. that Daniel Craig’s workout for the movies doesn’t involve steroids in the way that the workout of every single actor who makes action movies where his shirt comes off does.

“”Skyfall” is a lot of fun — don’t get me wrong — but it still says something about our culture that, in the autumn of my years, I do not like.”

you’re right, Cohen, let’s pause to briefly note whether or not the movie we’re talking about is any good. that can’t be of more than minimal importance.

“To appreciate what I mean, contrast this new Bond to Roger O. Thornhill, the charmingly hapless advertising man played by Cary Grant in “North by Northwest.” Like Bond, Thornhill pulls off some amazing physical feats — his mad frantic escape from the crop duster, the traverse of Mount Rushmore — and like Bond he wears an expensive suit.”

this is a WEIRD comparison for a couple of reasons:

01. North By Northwest is a 1959 film, whereas the first real James Bond film came out in 1962. so wouldn’t a more accurate reflection of the difference between culture then and culture now be to, i don’t know, COMPARE JAMES BONDS?
02. James Bond is an action star, first and foremost; i don’t know what exactly you call Thornhill, but i know you don’t call him an action star.

“Unlike Bond, though, when he takes it off we do not see some marbleized man, an ersatz creation of some trainer, but a fit man, effortlessly athletic and just as effortlessly sophisticated. Of course, he knows his martinis, but he also knows how to send out a suit for swift hotel cleaning. He is a man of the world. He is, in short, a man of a certain age — 55 at the time, to be more or less exact.”

and using the COMPLETELY arbitrary age of 55 is important, you see, because Bond has never been 55. when they began to portray Bond, Connery was 32, Lazenby was 30, Moore was 46 (and remember, he was deemed TOO OLD to play Bond when Connery got the job), Dalton 41 or 43 (i don’t know why Wikipedia thinks his age is considered debatable, but here we are) and Brosnan 42. so while they’ve been trending older with Bond (although more to chase long-wanted actors, i suspect).

i also don’t understand the major distinction between “an ersatz creation of some trainer” and “a fit man, effortlessly athletic,” since BOTH of these would seem to be the unreal example of manhood that Cohen is finding unfair, so the only thing i can think of is that he couldn’t really argue Cary Grant wasn’t good-looking and in shape, so he has to pretend that Cary Grant somehow has the looks and physique of an average man.

“In “North by Northwest” and other movies, Grant — for all his good looks — represented the triumph of the sexual meritocracy — a sex appeal won by experience and savoir-faire, not delts and pecs and other such things that any kid can have. He was not alone in this. Gary Cooper in “High Noon” wins Grace Kelly by strength of character, not muscles. He was about 50, and Kelly was a mere 23.”

i suppose if it wasn’t clear by now, Cohen’s major complaint in this piece is that much younger women don’t want to have sex with him, to which i can only say it sounds like much younger women are the wise ones in this whole discussion. he’s right that Gary Cooper was about 51 when he was in High Noon, but somehow i suspect he’s STILL not the spitting image of the average man, as well as having my doubts about Grace Kelly being all over him if there wasn’t a paycheck involved. still, look at this level of delusion that finds someone continuing to argue that CARY FUCKING GRANT was a sexual icon because of his “savoir-faire” and not the dazzling looks. i have never heard my sibling remark on all the “experience” you can see on Cary Grant.

“Maybe the best example of the unmuscled hero is Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca.” Bogart was 15 years older than Ingrid Bergman and it did not matter at all.”

because apparently what Bogart brings to the table is nothing more than “being old” and “having an unimpressive physique?”

“He had the experience, the confidence, the internal strength that can only come with age. As he did with Mary Astor in “The Maltese Falcon”— “I don’t care who loves who, I won’t play the sap for you” — he gives up the love of his life because age and wisdom have given him character. These older men seduce; they are not seduced. They make love. They do not score.”

…jesus christ, Cohen, just buy one of those magazines where the girls ain’t got no clothes on and take care of business, man.

seriously, though, here’s the thing: Cohen is making a long-winded argument that he, not the robust muscles of Daniel Craig, possesses what used to make the loins of young women open freely. except if this is true, shouldn’t he be sexually satisfied and thus NOT writing this bullshit in a major newspaper. and if he’s not –and i presume this is the actual case– then doesn’t that shoot his theory down? is the purpose of Hollywood to make movies that allow 50-plus-year-old men to more easily bang 20-year-olds? what about the ART, man?

“The new Bond is a zeitgeisty sort of character. “There has been a striking change in attitudes toward male body image in the past 30 years,” Harrison Pope, a Harvard psychiatry professor, recently told the New York Times. He said the portrayal of men in what amounts to the Bond image is now “dramatically more prevalent in society than it was a generation ago.””

it is at this point that i will remind everyone that 50 years ago, a 32-year-old man with a trim physique played James Bond.

“That same Times story reported that 40 percent of middle and high school boys work out with the purpose of “increasing muscle mass.” Many of them also use protein supplements.”

but since we’re talking about the change in the onscreen image of men in their 40s and 50s, what the hell does the fact that kids in middle-school want to increase their muscle mass have to do with that?

“This is all very sad news. Every rippling muscle is a book not read, a movie not seen or a conversation not held. That’s why Sean Connery was my kind of Bond. He was 53 when he made his last Bond film, “Never Say Never Again.” Women loved him because he was sophisticated and he could handle a maitre d’ as well as a commie assassin. Western civilization was saved not on account of his pecs but on account of his cleverness and experience.”

of course, as i JUST SAID, he was also 32 when he made his first Bond film and, let’s be honest, he had pecs of note at the time. the “53 when he made his last Bond film” line is a scam, considering that Connery was essentially Bond for nine years –1962-1971, or ages 32-41– and then was lured out of retirement at age 53 to make that one non-Eon film Never Say Never Again at age 53. so you can see how a) ages 32-41 is clearly more indicative of what Connery brought to the table as Bond and b) Cohen’s argument dwells entirely in a realm of bullshit.

at this point, i don’t think he’s every actually watched a Bond movie; instead, i suspect all he does is look at photos of actors with their shirts off and get FURIOUS.

“I know the movie market skews young and kids want action, and I take it as a good thing that Daniel Craig’s Bond is older, world weary, and, in sports lingo, has slowed a step.”

…which is weird because you’ve been arguing that Bond USED to be slowed a step, but now has this crazy unrealistic physique that’s ruined everything you know about life, Cohen. i’ll leave the fact that ACTION MOVIES tend to contain ACTION aside for now- wait, no, i won’t! kids want action in their action movies; the realm of old men who look awful and do nothing is not action movies.

and i won’t dignify the ending of this piece where Cohen compares himself to Bond by comparing their drinks by quoting it. i will not do this. in summation, Cohen, if you want to have sexual intercourse with some much-younger women, stop expecting Hollywood to do the legwork for you. instead, i recommend you use the method older, sadder men have used since the dawn of time: cash money.

and in unrelated news:

Astra Constable

at this point, i don’t think papercraft Travis Bickle is jealous as much as he is pleased to see that i am 50% of the way towards my collection of Taxi Driver guns. which is not creepy at all. not at all.

in which i steal Bruce McCullough’s idea and relate it to this guy with a scooter

recently, our hero janklow was at one of the local fueling stations here in semi-rural Maryland (admittedly, this introduction does not speak of the most exciting lifestyle being possessed by yours truly) when i witnessed a rather large man who was fervently singing the praises of his mode of transport to several people, most of which appeared not to know who the hell this guy was, outside of the gas station. this is weird, but not SAD, i suppose… until you realize that said mode of transport was a bright blue scooter (brand not recalled because, let’s face it, who gives a damn about scooters). now, look, it’s a free country and you drive what you like, but i am still going to call it ridiculous.

and now, janklow with an open letter to the morbidly obese gentleman i witnessed extolling the virtues of his scooter to random people at a gas station.

random blue scooter
fuck you, scooters, fuck you

well, why did you do it? are you some sort of jerk or something? do you not realize how ridiculous you look or sound? i know there’s something to be said for not getting wrapped up in the views and opinions of others, but i think we’re going well beyond the acceptable standard for that when we start to co-sign nonsense like “living the kind of lifestyle that involves a grown man motoring around on a bright blue scooter!”

look, let me tell you some things i understand about scooters:

01. they get phenomenal gas mileage. yes, random scooter guy, i heard you making this point, and i know it’s correct. in fact, i used to work with ANOTHER guy who rode a scooter to work and spent a lot of time defending this decision to those of us who would taunt and boo him until our throats were sore. his major (and possibly only) point was that he got some unrealistic amount of miles per gallon from that scooter; i don’t remember what it was, but let’s say he claimed it was hundreds of miles per gallon. my counterpoint is very simple: great, but this doesn’t change any of the NEGATIVE stuff i’m about to say about scooters. and it’s not like your only choices in life are “awful, awful scooter” or “giant, gas-guzzling pick-up truck.”

so sir, while i admit that scooter must get phenomenal gas mileage, it’s still a scooter and the combination of you and it look completely ridiculous.

02. they lack the aspects of a car that protect you from the weather and/or other drivers. remember that co-worker i mentioned? he would drive to work ON THE GODDAMN BELTWAY on this scooter. forget how you look or the lack of comfort (i can’t imagine a scooter is as comfortable to drive long distances as a car is), what about the harsh elements and/or psychos driving into you with their motor vehicles? my economy-class car might not provide me THAT much protection… but it’s still going to handle a collision with another car better than a scooter will. and yeah, guys manage to drive motorcycles in the cold and the rain and so on, but i think we all know they have to acknowledge and accept those things. that’s why, for example, they dress the way they do, although even that results in people being mocked furiously for their over-the-top “motorcycle outfits.”

so sir, given the lack of protection that scooter will give your bloated physique, i cannot fathom what would occur were you to ride it, say, on the beltway in rush hour in a storm … except that i actually can, and i picture it prominently featuring the recovery of your ill-used corpse.

03. you look RIDICULOUS on a scooter. everyone does, that’s part of what you embrace when you decide to become a scooter guy. that said –and this is not to rag excessively on the plus-sized members of the American tribe– there’s still a difference between a regular guy on a scooter and a guy who weighs 300+ pounds on a scooter. let us not pretend we don’t know what i am talking about.

and finally…

04. there’s no reason to be so goddamn EXCITED about your scooter. you know what kind of things are suitable for making you run around and accost random dudes at a gas station for the purpose of demanding they listen to you? having a child, i guess, and maybe winning the lottery, although the latter might just get you kidnapped. THAT IS THE LIST. when i get a new gun, i’m turbo-excited about it, but i don’t run around demanding people who i have never met listen to my heated extolling of how wonderful those guns are. although i suppose that would make you sound a little crazier than ranting about your scooter.

so in closing, sir, i hate your scooter SO MUCH. and speaking of things i am not supposed to rave at random gas station customers about…

Tantal & M57

things got very Soviet-style-but-not-quite-Soviet around here this time of year with this adorable little Tantal (kind of like an AK-74, but more Polish) and a companion in the Yugoslavian M57 (kind of like a Tokarev, but with better magazine and safety features). now, if only the support for AK-74 clones was as robust as the support for AK-47 clones. oh well…

in which i steal Bruce McCullough’s idea and relate it to damn lazy kids with parents unnecessarily spoiling them

recently, our hero janklow was attempting to drive to work in the morning when- well, honestly, i could probably start a LOT of “open letters to” rant-style posts with “something that made janklow LOSE HIS GODDAMN MIND while driving” events, because if there’s one thing in this world not named “David Miscavige” that makes me completely loose it, it’s Maryland drivers: the Worst Human Beings Ever, excepting of course, myself, and all those whom i hold dear in this world, unless i have specifically told you that you, yes, YOU, are one of those shitty Maryland drivers. chances are most of you Marylanders have heard this by now.

ANYWAY, recently, our hero janklow was attempting to drive to work in the morning when he realized a very sad fact about this modern world we live in, a fact that a) deeply upset and saddened me on some fundamental level, and even worse, b) slowed my drive to work, a sin that is truly unpardonable.

and now, janklow with an open letter to the parents driving their children to the school bus.

the noble American minivan
fuck you, minivans, fuck you

well, why do you do it? are you all some sort of jerks or something? obviously you’re not the kind of jerks who hate your children and split your time either beating them with random objects from your home or outright neglecting them, but you’re the kind of jerks that are turning them into terrible, terrible human beings by spoiling them unnecessarily in the most ridiculous of ways. wait, what the hell am i talking about? well, let me elaborate!

so when janklow drives to work, he takes some roads that, while a little longer and more winding, generally work out well due to a lack of traffic and the related bane, traffic lights. people keep telling me that no matter what i think, my route is longer AND slower, and in response, i can only say that i wish all those people would consider that… well… SHUT UP, that’s what! anyway, this route features a large amount of suburban-to-rural homes, so while it’s good much of the time, when you hit that magic “here come the school buses” hour, you’re bound to suffer from the ill effects. this, however, is okay: it’s the way school buses, and we all have to accept that.

however, while waiting behind a bus this morning, i had the experience of watching every single parent drive their child to the road where the bus picks them up. say what? okay, maybe when you’re in a neighborhood where you’re set some distance from the end of the road AND you’re paranoid about your child’s safety, i can sort of see the point, although when i was a child, all those kids dealt with just walking themselves to the bus stop, and i don’t think any of them were worse for it.

…but then there are the parents who hop into their massive SUV (or maybe minivan, but i mostly see SUVs doing this, and really, they’re more offensively gas-guzzling, so picturing a Suburban will help you get more riled up here) and drive their children 50 feet down their driveway to deliver them to the school bus… and there are a lot of them. so many, in fact, that on a ten-minute drive, i might see 8 parents do this… out of a total of 10 kids getting picked up (the other two having marginally more excessive driveways). to this i must ask: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

first, there’s the basic “why don’t you let your goddamn children get some very easy, very basic exercise,” which frankly, if we’re talking about concern for the safety of the children, would ALSO benefit the parents. now, i’ve considered the possibility that these parents are more concerned with their laziness than their child’s exercise, but a strictly LAZY parent would just stay in their damn house and let their wiener kids walk themselves to the bus, so there must be a mixture of “shameful laziness” and “concern, i guess” involved here.

second, i understand you want to spoil your kids –i mean, think of poor Johnny, forced to walk FIFTY FEET to the PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS in SEVENTY-FIVE DEGREE WEATHER where there was a BIRD somewhat NEARBY– but there’s a difference between not denying them reasonable things (like “food” and “air,” i guess) and spoiling them in that way where they end up thinking they’re the be-all and end-all of the universe and, even more importantly, grow up to bother me when i’m out in public, which is something i try to keep to a minimum, since the public is absolutely jam-packed with your goddamn annoying kids, people.

third, i know a lot of us were raised on panicking about STRANGER DANGER abducting your children, and it’s really, really hard to get people in their thirties and forties to let go of that regarding their kids… but again, there’s no reason not to just walk about there with them or god forbid, keep an eye on them FROM your house that’s a whopping 13 feet away from the bus stop.

also, ironic note: one of these fathers today zoomed out of his driveway in his minivan, WILDLY INTO TRAFFIC (which included myself), and began honking like a madman until the bus stopped and he could let his kid run from his van to the bus (which was MAYBE ten feet past his house and which was assuredly making more stops down the line). now, i know this wasn’t about safety as much as “damn it, i don’t want to have to drive my stupid wiener kid to school myself,” but i still find it ironic that a parent who’s maybe the only non-overprotective one in the bunch (on the grounds that he wasn’t sitting there with his kid in the minivan at the end of his 20-foot drive) almost got his kid killed in a car accident.

okay, i feel better now. i’ll get over it, i guess. still, make your damn kids exercise.

at least i’ll be able to make myself feel better with this:

S&W 29-2

ooo… papercraft Travis Bickle is SO JEALOUS. also, an interesting study has developed from the purchase of this fine S&W product: women (with one exception) all think this hand-cannon is “excessive,” whereas men all want to shoot it, like, right now, preferably into something that will explode in a way that’s really, really cool. in summation, i think women (with one exception) have problems.

in which janklow gets entirely too emotional regarding Hawaii 5-0

you know, after last week’s nonsensical and completely unnecessary rant about a topic that probably only bothers me, i told myself, “self, it’s time to focus up and try to create some more traditional comedy laughs. let’s do our best to make that happen, okay?” and i even meant it!

…but then i saw something that made me about as irrationally angry as the Mummy (1932) does, and that’s when i knew we wouldn’t be leaving the realm of “janklow being too damn mad about nothing of consequence” any time soon. so let’s just get it over with, okay?

Hawaii 5-0
Hawaii 5-0 also features one of America’s most punchable faces in the form of Scott Caan; it may not be his fault, but it certainly doesn’t make the show more appealing to me

janklow is totally enraged by fucking Hawaii 5-0

so once upon a time there was this police procedural (although i don’t think they used that term back then) called Hawaii 5-0 where, according to our good friends at Wikipedia, “the show centers on a fictional state police force led by former U.S. naval officer Steve McGarrett.” the damn thing ran for twelve years, so i guess we can say that a) it must have been really popular for some reason (maybe the whole “book ’em, Danno” thing) and b) it was inevitable in today’s climate of unoriginality that SOMEONE would attempt to remake it.

also, twelve years of dramatic crime… in Hawaii? you kind of assume that cities like New York and Los Angeles and Chicago have lots of dramatic crime and organized crime and, to boil it down, fodder for police procedurals… but Hawaii?

ANYWAY, so they finally remade the show in 2010, only now Wikipedia says it “covers the actions of a small special state task force created by the Governor of Hawaii to investigate serious crimes throughout the Islands, as Hawaii does not have a conventional state police force.” i guess it didn’t do well enough, so they brought in teen heartthrob Terry O’Quinn to spice it up, but it’s still on the air. which brings us to the “irrationally angry” part of this update.

now, i don’t watch Hawaii 5-0. i don’t watch reruns of the original Hawaii 5-0. so i really shouldn’t care what the show does… and then i saw this advertisement:

…and i flipped the fuck out, for a short list of reasons:

01. “Steve went into North Korea, on a personal mission”: for one thing, it’s OBVIOUSLY a personal mission, because there are exactly zero professional reasons for a single member of a Hawaii-based special state task force to be sent to fucking North Korea. but beyond that… who the hell is going to NORTH KOREA on a personal mission? don’t the people watching the program at least say to themselves, “well, this sounds unbelievable.”

02. “…goes terribly wrong”: again, OBVIOUSLY. i admit this is nit-picking because this kind of exposition is the way commercials for television programs work, but i am still annoyed on some level by the network needing to point this out. what would the episode be about if Steve completed his mission and came home without incident?

03. “we’re going to bring Steve home”: okay, maybe i’m just a shitty friend and/or co-worker, but if i knew someone as a professional colleague on a state police force, and i came to work the next day and someone told me, “hey, Steve got captured on a personal mission to North Korea! are you ready to help rescue him?” …well, i would probably just stay at the office and get caught up on my paperwork. this is not a mission for Hawaii cops! even ones that now include me! call the fucking State Department!

04. “…and you won’t believe who comes to the rescue”: and which point the ad tells me that this unbelievable guest star is Jimmy Fucking Buffett, and i completely lose it. Jimmy Buffett? why is this an awesome, unbelievable guest star? he’s not an action star; he’s not a guy known for playing cops or military dudes. he’s not even an actor! and if you want to say his string of cameos make him an actor by default, FINE, he’s a shitty actor not worthy of Special Billing.

and look, a cameo is supposed to be a cute, “hey, look who’s in this film or television show” moment, not a major selling point. so if this is another cameo, who cares? and if it’s not… again, why is Jimmy Buffett a massive “get” for Hawaii 5-0? what audience that doesn’t watch Hawaii 5-0 already is going to be excited to see it? and what ridiculous “parrothead” who watches Hawaii 5-0 just to see their lord and master Jimmy Buffett is going to stick around as a regular viewer.

really, i shouldn’t find this so offensive, but GOD DAMN THIS SHIT.

Jack Abramoff
there’s a joke here about how even Jack Abramoff thinks Dan Snyder is kind of an asshole, but i don’t want to get sued for making it

janklow is totally enraged by fucking Jack Abramoff

and then i visited with my lovely grandmother and i happened to catch a glimpse of Jack Abramoff on her television, and maybe i was still keyed-up from all that Hawaii 5-0 nonsense that made me lose my damn mind… but, okay, i flipped out again. i’m fucking tense, okay?

so… Jack Abramoff. he’s a former lobbyist and businessman and, as far as i am concerned, a current scumbag. he was, according to the Internet’s most quoted encyclopedia, “at the heart of an extensive corruption investigation that led to the conviction of White House officials J. Steven Griles and David Safavian, U.S. Representative Bob Ney, and nine other lobbyists and Congressional aides” and ultimately he “served three years, six months of a six-year sentence in federal prison before being released early,” and, okay, that’s probably Wikipedia for the week.

now, look, i get that you can get convicted of a crime, do your time, realize the error of your ways, and come out a better man who’s living clean. i’m forgetting about the fact that men who don’t steal millions get slammed with years on years more time than Abramoff because their offense is somehow “worse” (i’m looking at you, drug laws). i’m forgetting about the fact that those will less money often do more of their time. so what’s the deal? it’s me watching Jack Abramoff sell a book while basically implying that he was only convicted because every so often the government needs to give us a show.

first off, even if true, that’s not the SOLE reason you were convicted. in fact, the selling point for Abramoff’s new book-writing, ratting-out-corruption persona is that he ADMITS he committed crimes and went to jail for them. so spare me the tone, okay?

second… a book? really? and maybe this isn’t about Abramoff so much as it is the fact that every asshole out there seems to be cranking out books in a world where quality authors probably see money that pales in comparison to said assholes, and in which a table full of adults can be overheard discussing the merits of the Twilight and Harry Potter “sagas.”

look, i don’t mean to come off like a pompous prick with an English degree, but those are fucking books for CHILDREN. and if i come across hard evidence that women whose qualifications for writing a book are ‘i was married to somehow who was involved in a massive financial scam’ or ‘a Congressman texted me photos of his penis’ are making more money than Cormac McCarthy, then i may just have to kill myself. because this is not necessarily a society i can be part of.

but actually, to be honest, what really made me flip out was when Mike Huckabee said that Abramoff had done bad things, but was not a bad person. so… what’s the bar for being a “bad person,” then, if stealing millions of dollars is not enough? do you HAVE to murder a series of prostitutes?

…maybe i should start smoking cigarettes. i hear that calms you down. also:

guns that let us pretend we wear a bodysuit and fight crime in Africa

CZ SP-01 Phantom

actually, it doesn’t let us do that at all, but it IS a CZ SP-01 Phantom, so it has a cool name going for it. now i just need to slap a bayonet on this thing and call it a day.

i want a girl with a short skirt… wait, i actually wanted an update with comedy in it, but we got this instead

sometimes, after a long day of work, i consider the advantages to chucking the 9-to-5 life into what the British call a “dustbin” and heading out to start a band that sings absurd lyrics and possibly has a fascination with horns. but then i remember that CAKE already beat me to that, and i’ve just probably been listening to their records all day. then i’m sad for a little while as my dream has just died, and then i go and tell the internet about it because, eh, i don’t have much else to discuss this week, and that’s how we wound up here.

anyway, one thing i have noticed is that these CAKE characters are singing about (or at least referring to) cars an awful lot. well, and “horrible relationships” as well, but we’ll just not worry about that 50% of their material. and given that i like to occasionally combine “random topics that don’t have anything to do with current events” and “that whole listicle thing,” well, without further ado, i bring you…

janklow’s 13 favorite CAKE songs that are about or clearly refer to cars

honorable mention: there were a couple of three songs that i was going to force onto this list when i was originally working it out, simply because they referred to cars at least once (“Dime,” off Pressure Chief, and “Bound Away”, off Showroom Of Compassion) or because they had a really, really loose connection to the concept (“Comanche,” off Motorcade Of Generosity, because of the whole “if you want to have cities, you’ve got to build roads” thing). so it goes!

Carbon Monoxide
this weird scream picture is probably a mirror of what you’re thinking right now going into this update

13. “Carbon Monoxide” (off Pressure Chief, 2004)

this one ranks at the bottom of our list for two reasons: one, it’s about cars and buses and trucks, i suppose, but what it’s REALLY about is an excessive amount of carbon monoxide, which has been produced by them and is killing the narrator, a sentiment that makes sense for a band from California… but makes a lot less sense for a ban that’s supposed to love cars. and two, it’s got a weird vocal rhythm that limits how much i can get into this song. but that’s my problem to deal with, i guess.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “too much carbon monoxide for me to bear/where’s the air? … after car after bus after car after truck/after this my lungs will be so fucked up.” see, that’s just negative.

12. “Short Skirt / Long Jacket” (off Comfort Eagle, 2001)

now, this is pretty much a classic CAKE-type song, or, if you don’t like me calling their work “classic,” then “the kind of song you remember CAKE playing.” John McCrea is rhapsodizing DRAMATICALLY about some idealized woman (who, admittedly, sounds pretty excellent, what with her uninterrupted prosperity and machete and all), and in the middle of it all, we get a breakdown about her taste in cars: apparently, the car has to be able to hold a drink, travel successfully and look classy. ultimately, though, as much as i dig the song (it’s very catchy), it’s getting downgraded because it was a successful single with mild-at-best car talk.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “she wants a car with a cupholder arm-rest/she wants a car that will get her there/she’s changing her name from Kitty to Karen/she’s trading her MG for a white Chrystler Le Baron.” so you see that i pretty much summed it up above there.

11. “The Distance” (off Fashion Nugget, 1996)

so here we go: THE big CAKE song you remember, clearly included because the song is almost entirely about a dramatic race (which appears to be mostly symbolic, despite its mention of “bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse”), with a small percentage left over for a woman for whom the narrator still has some affection (and the possible poetic description of a car as a horse). it’s a good track and all… but if you were seventeen in 1996 (and i was), then you know how played-the-fuck-out this song can sound, which plummets it all the way down to number 10. still, there’s a solid chance it’s the ONLY song by CAKE the average house of hate reader remembers.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “reluctantly crouched at the starting line, engines pumping and thumping in time.” again, if you listening to rock in the 1990s, that opening line will be all too familiar. plus, i already mentioned the “bowel-shaking earthquakes” thing earlier.

10. “Race Car Ya-Yas” (off Fashion Nugget, 1996)

have i mentioned that i think “Fashion Nugget” is a top-notch name for a record? anyway, so this is a short one, clocking in at only 1:21, but it’s 100% about race cars, changing lanes, and whatever the hell “ya-yas” are. i still haven’t figured that one out, and the album’s 15 years old AND i have access to the powers of the internet, making my failure all the more profound. still, it’s got an unnecessarily dramatic sound that makes me want to race people… until i remember that i drive an economy car. damn.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “the land of race car ya-yas/the land where you can’t change lanes/the land where large, fuzzy dice/still hang proudly/like testicles from rear-view mirrors.” i think that about sums the entire song up, not to mention its inclusion.

Short Skirt / Long Jacket
nothing like some sweet accordion music

09. “Stickshifts And Safetybelts” (off Fashion Nugget, 1996)

despite the fact that McCrea has apparently had a LOT of romantic problems (that were then turned into songs), he does seem to have some “good times with the lady in the car” moments, and that’s what happened here: his romantic problem is mainly that bucket seats keep his “baby” far away from him. and that’s what rock music is all about: describing mild inconvenience as if it’s the end of the world so that teenagers can relate.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “well, a lot of good cars are Japanese/but when we’re driving far/i need my baby next to me.” honestly, this line is 75% delivery, so maybe it doesn’t seem as excellent as it should, but it cracks me up every time.

08. “Got To Move” (off Showroom Of Compassion, 2011)

at this point, i’ll just address the fact that i think i might have been one of the few people actually excited that a new CAKE album was coming out after seven years (this kind of excitement seems common for me, sadly) and that i think the album was “damn fine.” anyway, this is more of a stretch than some on this list as it’s more about “constant movement” than “cars,” but let me be honest: it’s one of their more relaxing songs, and i rely on it when i’m at work and fighting through a headache. and to hell with you if you don’t like it!

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “you are mostly in your car/you always seem so far/no matter where you are/you’re thinking of your car.” actually, this makes it sound like a song someone wrote ABOUT CAKE, which takes this whole topic to another level. or not, but either way, it’s weird.

07. “Long Time” (off Showroom Of Compassion, 2011)

and we’re back with another incredible stretch-to-include-this selection, as my justification for this song is the drawn-out warbling of the word “Pontiac,” which always reminds me of this ridiculous old black Pontiac my father had when i was a kid, since he never drove it and it was always full of mice. and that’s certainly a random story to tell when we’re talking about CAKE! this song is, however, very much in the ridiculous style you’d expect: horns and shouts and references to “pillbox hats” and “drinking arsenic.” see, now THAT is topical.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “it’s been a long time/since we drove your Po-o-o-o-o-o-ontiac.” but like i implied, that’s pretty much it for car-related lyrics in the song.

06. “Long Line Of Cars” (off Comfort Eagle, 2001)

ah, now THAT is more like it: the title clearly tells us that the song is actually about a large quantity of cars, and the attitude towards California’s air pollution is much more relaxed. there remains a larger mystery in that the narrator claims the titular “long line of cars” is all because of SOMEONE (possibly you, the listener), but he never really clarifies why that is. unless he’s talking about California in a personified way, and the why is “because this state is terrible,” a ruling that i will accept.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “there’s no single explanation/there’s no central destination.” this vague confusion pretty much sums up a lot of these songs AND my reasoning for this week’s update.

The Distance
at this point and for no reason, let me just point out that this update was conceived and constructed while entirely sober

05. “Alpha Beta Parking Lot” (off Prolonging The Magic, 1998)

i know some people (and by that, i mean “no people”) were wondering when Prolonging The Magic would make an appearance, and the answer is this: it’s probably their best album, but it’s not as car-heavy as other albums are. anyway, this song isn’t even so much about “cars” as “being in a parking lot and sad about things,” but then again, there is a reference to “idling cars,” so that has to count for something. it’s also worth noting that this narrator has lady troubles, proving that the more problems McCrea has with the women, the better the songs get.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “breathing in the fumes from so many idling cars/right beneath the sign with the dusty yellow stars/watching the sun go down.” amen, brother.

04. “Wheels” (off Pressure Chief, 2004)

to be honest, i don’t know why this song didn’t take off as a single beyond the fact that “all people are stupid.” anyway, let me level with you: there is no mention of cars in this song, just a constant discussion of constantly moving wheels. but if you can overlook that fact, then we’re cool, because i am a MUCH bigger fan of this song than i am of that whole “The Distance” thing. let’s be honest, here: Pressure Chief is the time when people kind of sort of stopped caring very much about CAKE.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: uh… uh… “wheels keep on spinning round spinning round spinning round.” that’s all i’ve got. actually, i personally prefer the whole part about “by the banks of the mighty Bosphorus/is a Japanese man in a business suit singing ‘Smoke Gets in Your Eyes’,” but that clearly has NOTHING to do with cars.

03. “Satan Is My Motor” (off Prolonging The Magic, 1998)

the easiest song to explain a high ranking for. it has an awesome name (check), it’s all about cars, albeit in a metaphorically sense (check), it references Satan, who all the best bands are affiliated with (check), and it rocks in a general sense. but let’s address the downside: this is one of the songs i am prone to singing in the shower, a fact that assuredly freaks everyone out whether because of the accompanying mental image OR the fact that i most assuredly have no singing ability. neither of those things, however, is going to stop me.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “my intentions are good and earnest and true/but under my hood is internal combustion power/and Satan is my motor.” hear my motor purr!

02. “Easy To Crash” (off Showroom Of Compassion, 2011)

i think i already made the point about my high opinion of the newest record, so let me just say that at least this song IS about cars, be they “busy” and “little” or “luxury.” on the other hand, it seems to be largely about how easy it is to crash those cars, and people being generally oblivious to the crashes (or the conditions that make it easy to crash, one of those), so it might be a little more negative than a song about how Satan is the only one that seems to understand.

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “clouds hung hugely and oppressively/over our busy little cars
clouds hung hugely and oppressively/we didn’t notice/we didn’t care.” you know, with a line like “we didn’t care,” it might not be JUST obliviousness.

Pressure Chief
i find this album cover especially excellent in light of the fact that i like to take photos posed “like we’re shaking hands on a serious agreement”

01. “Take It All Away” (off Pressure Chief, 2004)

yeah, yeah, this one is actually about McCrea’s lady-sadness… but it does feature an extended car crash metaphor, references to a lady’s “economy car” and the use of the phrase “rubbernecker’s dream,” so i think it’s earned its spot on this list. and frankly, if you don’t like it, i don’t know how you made it this far into my list, since i don’t recall many jokes happening this week. go ahead, take your economy car and your suitcase and your psycho little dogs and get the fuck off my website!

lyrics that sum up this song’s inclusion: “you’ve been racing through my mind/you’re picking up in speed/you’re driving recklessly/it’s like a car crash happening on my street/broken bodies at my feet/and sirens on the way.” told you that metaphor was extended!

oh, and…

… maybe there is a new gun?

why, yes, internet, there is! again! as the Irishman says, “every time i see you, i assume you’ve bought a new gun.” in fact, it might even be time for…

guns that let us pretend we’re in exciting television shows redux

COUGAR

you may remember that i declared that the purchase of my S&W 4586 would allow me and J.Miles to play the Shield once i tracked down a Stoeger Cougar; as it turned out, i went even more official with the original Beretta Cougar. the fact that ladies love the ‘stache remains unchanged.

anyway, i guess it really DOES take the whole “current events” thing to get some jokes going, so i’ll try and do that next week. sorry about all this CAKE stuff.