“the babies, they disgust me” pretty much sums this week up

so my mildly frustrating week was capped off by a truck driver sent to deliver some large boxes to me driving them (with some kind of forklift-type device) out the back of his truck and crashing them violently to the ground. this in and of itself is probably not THE biggest outrage of the week, but when all the little frustrations add up… well, let’s just say that i thought it would be a good week to take to the internet to see if the world was possibly not as messed up as i feel that it is currently. so, let’s see where the internet takes us!

let’s start things off with one of the most classy events i happened upon:

Nadya Suleman
this picture does seem to sum up her dynamic with her children: her time seems to have been spent preparing herself for attention, while the children are unhappy for obvious reasons

octomom Nadya Suleman says she ‘hates’ her children, contemplates suicide: “they disgust me”

ah, well, a sentiment like that must surely be coming from someone who’s of consequence but who, for whatever reason, has decided that she does not need children in her life. oh… you say this was actually said by some no-talent sack of meat who’s best known for filling her womb with eight simultaneous babies thanks to science and then dropping them all at once to some degree of attention despite the fact that she already had another six children and lacked a job or any other means of support?

oh yeah… i think i remember that. in fact, i’m pretty sure she gave me grounds to go into a Bill Hicks bit about figuring out this “food/water/air deal,” which i really do enjoy, so i have to grant her that. but really, while i hate to quote some kind of tabloid (even second-hand), well, the outrage is just too tempting.

“Octomom Nadya Suleman isn’t winning any Mother of the Year awards any time soon.”

this is, to say the least, not exactly information i needed any news organization to develop for me. but i digress!

“The woman best known for having octuplets in 2009, in addition to her six other children, has given an interview in the new issue of In Touch Weekly, in which she admits some rather disturbing feelings toward her brood. Feeling overwhelmed by the burdens of caring for a large family, Suleman not only says she wishes she never had them, but admits to have contemplated suicide. “I hate the babies, they disgust me,” the 36-year-old single mother told the magazine.”

okay, so i have to consider the possibility that this is all a scam to get paid twice: once by In Touch for making outrageous remarks in print, and again once there’s a backlash that gets her some additional attention and hopefully a dollar or two along with it. still, the fact remains that a repugnant person like her seems perfectly likely to have said such remarks, so i am going to continue to assume the worse about her (and, by extension, all of humanity).

“She also unleashes some vile words for her older children. “My older six are animals,” she says, “[They are] getting more and more out of control, because I have no time to properly discipline them.””

ah, well, it’s good to see that such a well-balanced, responsible person is the one responsible for the care and upbringing of fourteen children. no, wait, what i meant was, “jesus christ, could the government just seize her children already?” although i guess the inability to see how taking care of fourteen children could be a massive burden only exists in the kind of person who goes to a doctor and says, “could you please stuff my uterus full of as many fetuses as is medically possible?”

“Though it was once her dream to have a big family, Suleman’s reality has turned into a nightmare now that she is broke and without hope. “The only way I can cope is to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes I sit there for hours and even eat my lunch sitting on the toilet floor. Anything to get peace and quiet,” she says.”

well, another solid coping method might be suicide. but also, so not only are you a) in possession of too many kids to take care of properly and b) not working, but c) you’re ALSO spending “hours” hiding in the bathroom instead of dealing with the children? no wonder they’re animals.

also, as an “i am totally an old man”-related note: why did the dream of having a big family not at all involve a) a husband/boyfriend/whatever with b) a job? isn’t the whole point of dreaming of a big family ALSO including the part where they are supported comfortably?

“Photos accompanying the interview are likely to raise concern with Child Protection Services. In addition to Suleman’s house being in run-down condition, one child is seen eating dry-wall.”

i’m not convinced that said photos WILL raise concern with Child Protection Services, as it strikes me that everything about this woman’s life should have raised concerns with them, and yet to date they seem to have seized exactly zero children from her home. or, as far as the public knows, done anything else.

“Suleman says she feels so defeated, she’s considered putting an end to it all. “Some days I have thought about killing myself,” she says. “I cannot cope.””

DO IT

“Though she insists she still has love for her children, Suleman looks back on the decisions she’s made and says she wishes she never got pregnant in the first place. “Obviously I love them – but I absolutely wish I had not had them,” she says.”

one, did you not look back on any decisions with regret after the first SIX children? two, ma’am, no, i do not think it is “obvious” that you love your kids. for one, i don’t think you brought them into a situation that bespeaks to someone loving their children. for another, people who love their children at least make an ATTEMPT to raise them properly, by doing things like “getting a job to support them” and “not hiding from them for hours in a bathroom” and “saying they disgust me to national tabloids.”

“Suleman has been vocal about her struggle to support herself and her children. The unemployed mom has been facing foreclosure on her La Hambra, Calif. house since last year, and is currently on welfare.”

ah, yes, in another case seemingly designed to make politicians cry about cutting it, Suleman is on welfare. sometimes i suspect that only ridiculous scenarios involving welfare are ever publicized, but then i think to myself, “oh, self, must you be so cynical about everything?”

“”My bank account is overdrawn by $300 and I have no money to pay for the children’s school, food or the mortgage,” she confesses. However, Suleman may soon get the chance to increase her income. She recently filmed an episode of a new HDNet celebrity dating show called “Celebridate,” in which cameras will follow her as three regular people try to win her heart.”

you know, i try to be sympathetic to people who have children they love but are struggling with financial hardships, because it’s a common situation. but somehow i suspect that the average person in that situation didn’t use frozen embryos to pop out fourteen kids. hell, i guess we should just be glad that she hasn’t sold any of them to Russian pornographers or something.

disgust for humanity: RISING. okay, well, let’s try another story.

Melvin L. Jackson
if he should happen to be sexually assaulted by a cellmate who ALSO claims that he thought he was having sex with a dead boy, that will officially qualify as ironic

man accused of sexually assaulting unconscious woman on KC sidewalk

okay, a pretty bad start, i know, but surely nothing spectacular, all things considered? well, don’t worry, this is about to get ridiculous directly.

“Jackson County prosecutors today accused a 48-year-old man of sexually assaulting an unconscious woman on a sidewalk in broad daylight Wednesday and later telling police, “I thought that lady was dead.””

so not only is it bad enough that this gentleman apparently thinks it’s okay to sexually violate a corpse (which is most assuredly NOT okay) … but this also raises a moral dilemma: does the fact that your victim is a corpse make it at all better that you’re out that sexually assaulting anything you can find to assault? it’s got to be better than assaulting a live person, of course, but it’s still pretty despicable.

“Prosecutors charged Melvin L. Jackson, of Kansas City, with a felony of sexual assault in connection with the 11:30 a.m. attack in the 3400 block of Troost Avenue. The victim told police she was walking Wednesday when she felt dizzy and light-headed, so she found a shady area and sat down. She later lost consciousness and said she awoke to a witness yelling, “Help her! Get up off of her!” The victim said she didn’t remember getting assaulted, but she noticed her underwear had been removed.”

one thing that this article will not resolve is the question of “what does this lady mean, dizzy and light-headed?” this description seems suspiciously like that of someone who’s gotten drunk and passed out somewhere, and from there we’d go to the “was this woman REALLY assaulted” question. but then again, this was at 1130 in the morning, which isn’t really the time when woman are passing out drunk in the shade. come on, investigative journalists, where are you?

“A witness flagged down a nearby police car, and the officer arrested Jackson, who was walking down the street with his pants unzipped, according to court records.”

i am also concerned about the implication that both a witness and a police officer were right nearby this sexual assault and only the former spotted this sexual assault going down. i don’t know, explain it away with some “line of sight” argument or something, i just don’t feel good about it.

“When the officer asked Jackson about his pants, Jackson allegedly said he touched “a lady’s leg,” and “I thought that lady was dead.””

Jackson continues with his string of the WORST possible excuses. why are you admitting to touching a lady’s leg when you could at least have claimed to have been checking on the woman? (unless that was what he meant by “touching a lady’s leg,” as if to see if she was conscious.) and again, why are you saying you thought she was dead as it it’s totally cool to fuck a random corpse you found lying around on the street?

“The witness told police she saw Jackson having sexual intercourse with the victim, who was in the fetal position, after another witness brought the assault to her attention, according to court records.”

also classy: a witness spotting a guy raping a woman (who he thinks is a sexy, sexy corpse) and rather than addressing the situation or getting the NEARBY police officer, just telling someone else about it. “hey, dude, i think i spotted a guy fucking a corpse. you might want to go check it out if you’re into that kind of thing.”

“When police tried to interview Jackson, he allegedly blurted, “Did that lady say I did something to her?” He later said, “I have the right to remain silent,” according to court records.”

man… when you’ve already admitted to trying to sex up what you thought was a dead body, you’ve already gone far too far to try and remain silent.

disgust for humanity: RISING. uh… well… what else do we have?

(Kevin) Bacon
somehow this was NOT the bacon everyone was fighting over, which just doesn’t make sense

grandmother assaults grandson with hose for eating too much bacon

and holy shit, it’s not even the kind of hose you might expect someone to use for “corporal punishment” or “torturing a man in a South American prison” or whatever.

“Angered that her grandson ate too much bacon at breakfast, a 63-year-old woman chased the boy out of her Pennsylvania home and pinned him down on the front lawn, where she blasted him in the face with a garden hose, police allege.”

i… i… i don’t know that i even have the words for this. except maybe to say brief ideas like “grandmothers are the best people” and “this is what you get when you eat bacon.” pinned him down on the front lawn? blasted him with a garden hose? FOR EATING TOO MUCH BACON? priceless.

“Marilee Ann Kolynych was busted Tuesday evening on endangering the welfare of children, simple assault, harassment, and disorderly conduct charges. Her grandson, 9, was not injured during the attack.”

now, i am not a lawyer, this is true, but i want to say that considering the fact that no one was injured by this incident, and considering the fact that this incident is completely hilarious, i submit to the court that all the charges should be dropped and this woman set free immediately.

“In a Clifton Heights Police Department report, Officer James Press noted that the child “stated that he had been getting tortured by his grandmother…all day for an incident that took place during breakfast.””

isn’t that kind of what grandmothers do? bust you doing something out of line (and possibly bacon-related) and then rake you over the coals for it (possibly involving torture) until you learn your lesson? i know i got punished by MY grandmother when i got out of line … although i was never one to gorge myself on bacon, so i guess i was destined for punishments that were comparatively light.

“According to Press, the matter involved the child consuming more bacon than anyone else, which angered Kolynych.”

THE BEST CRIME

“A witness told Press that Kolynych chased her grandson around the yard before throwing him to the ground and “sitting on top of him beating him on his legs and spraying water at very close range into [the boy’s] face.” The child told cops that “the nozzle setting was on full blast.””

one, the fact that a grandmother is throwing this child to the ground tells me that SOMEONE needs to get a little more exercise. two, i love the way the witness adds “at very close range” to this description, as if a person sitting on a child and beating that child’s legs could be said to be at any other range. three, i don’t believe that the nozzle setting was on full blast. children are liars! especially children that eat all the bacon!

“The child eventually broke free and “ran across the street, using a neighbor’s phone to call his mother, who was in the basement while the incident was taking place out front.”

also, i know that many people would be sad that the boy’s mother didn’t notice what was going on and step in, but i am mostly sad that this attention-whoring child had to run to a neighbor’s phone to call his mother instead of, you know, running into the basement past an old woman with a hose. pathetic.

“Even after the boy’s mother arrived outside, a witness reported, Kolynych continued to chase after the child.”

as well she should have, since it’s not like this kid has denied eating all the bacon… or apologized for eating all the bacon… or at the very least, presented ANY evidence showing that he did not, in fact, eat too much bacon.

“Kolynych, free on bail, is set for a July 7 preliminary hearing.”

at which time she damn well better be set free. NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE.

disgust for humanity: eh… low enough for this week. it’ll have to do, i guess. unless…

… maybe there is a new gun?

why, yes, internet, there is!

Radom P-64

luckily for me, a tiny little Polish C&R version of a Walther PPK or Makarov or whatever (i mean, it’s different than either in notable ways, but this is essentially the family of guns we’re talking about here, with this one being the Polish version of it) that arrives at my house in a little box will cheer me up regardless of who’s hating babies or fucking corpses or EATING ALL THE BACON. whew!

“meanwhile, dudes across the internet immediately assumed the paint and caulk were part of some additional sexual depravity”

to be honest, everyone dodged a pretty big bullet this week, because why i have been flirting with actually completing these updates on time these days (and i know that’s shocking), all this drama with the will-we-or-won’t-we matter of the government shutdown was forcing me to strongly delay the “attempt at humor” update you’re about to get and replace with a “janklow is SO fucking bitter” update. maybe that’s for the worse, as i suppose it might still have been funny AND containing something approaching serious commentary, but ultimately i suppose i should stay off my high horse and just make with the jokes, right?

so let’s get right on with those jokes which are, as usual, being made at the expense of current events. we start with a doozy.

ATF agent at work
see, this is the way i expect to see ATF agents (well, this or storming a compound somewhere), not… you know… committing unspeakable acts with a door

federal gun regulator accused of damaging Metairie hotel room

now, granted, this story is a LITTLE aged at this point (as in, “published: Tuesday, December 08, 2009” late), which really does go against my desire to rip on relatively-current news and events, but what happens sometimes is that you find out about an under-the-radar story well after the fact … and you can’t NOT make it part of your update. and i’m going to be honest with you about this: the title’s premise (“gun regulator damages hotel room”) may not do the events of this story justice.

“An employee of the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives was arrested on charges of disabling the fire alarm system and damaging property in his Metairie hotel room, according to a Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office arrest report.”

alright, pretty mundane stuff. either you can go with the generic “look at this, another federal worker up to no good on the taxpayer’s dime” spin that a lot of people probably will (and you can throw in “OVERPAID” if, you know, that kind of thing brings joy to you), or you can take the slightly less popular stance of “what else do you expect from those ATF guys?” the latter is probably a little more popular if you’re pro-gun and/or work for the federal government.

“Russell Vanderwerf, 44, of Houston was booked Dec. 1 with simple criminal damage valued at $500 to $5,000 and interfering with fire prevention after staffers at the Residence Inn, 3 Galleria Blvd., began investigating a malfunctioning fire alarm system, the arrest report said.”

now, what are you thinking at this point? “oh, just some smoker who was trying to get around the smoke detector in a non-smoking room who happened to be an ATF dude, and thus make the story slightly more ironic,” most likely, which is a reasonable position to take at this point.

“A technician who was summoned Nov. 30 tracked the alarm problem to the second-floor room registered to Vanderwerf, the arrest report said. Inside, staffers found the smoke detectors in the bedroom and kitchen-den had been removed and the horn that blares alarms was hanging out of the wall.”

well… he might still be a smoker, just one who’s not particularly adept at removing smoke detectors, or clever about the whole scheme, right? after all, you have to presume that the point of doing so would be to smoke undetected, but a massive bill for repairs to the room is going to defeat that purpose AND maybe get you slammed when your supervisor back at the ATF finds out about what got charged to your government card, right?

“But the staffers and a deputy sheriff also discovered that someone had removed the bedroom door from its hinges and replaced it with a 5-by-4-foot piece of plywood affixed to the frame and the drywall with hinges and screws, the arrest report said.”

so that’s weird. it certainly has nothing to do with smoking… and it’s not like you’d need to replace the bedroom door with random wood for any logical reason, right?

“The door had two locks attached from the bedroom side and a circular hole padded with duct tape. The deputy noted in the arrest report that the hole appeared to be used “in some sort of sexual act.””

what. the. fuck. so, two thoughts on this most ridiculous twist:

01. how stunned do you think this technician was when he went up to fix some smoke detectors and found a makeshift glory-hole (or, if you prefer, “sex-hole,” since its use is still vague at this point) installed where a door once was? further, here’s the question: if you’re this technician, do you just back out of the room slowly, or fucking run?

02. call me a glutton for punishment (or ridiculous stories, whichever), but what was the basis for the deputy saying the hole “appeared to be used “in some sort of sexual act?” semen all over the place? a sign written above the hole saying “insert penis in here?” the fact that a man built a goddamn glory-hole in the place of a door in his hotel room? wait, maybe it’s the last one.

“A front-desk staffer told authorities that she’d received a complaint from a hotel guest who said the door to that room had been propped open on the night of Nov. 30 and that she noticed several “young men” entering and exiting. The guest also complained of hearing “sex noises” coming from the room, the arrest report said.”

oh, this story just gets better and better, for at first i was thinking this guy was just engaging in some clandestine affair while out of town… but now it’s a string of young men? also, two more thoughts:

01. why is “young men” in quotes there when the rest isn’t? it’s not like those two words have to be some verbatim recital of the staffer’s words. are we implying they weren’t that young? that they weren’t men?

02. having stayed in a hotel once or twice in my life, i sort of have an idea of what “sex noises” COULD be. it may also be sad that i am basing this knowledge on that and not something more along the lines of “once i personally touched a naked girl and events transpired from there.” anyway… what the hell kind of “sex noises” come from a string of “young men” visiting an ATF dude’s homemade hotel glory-hole that don’t get immediately upgraded from “sex noises” to something much worse?

“Vanderwerf was taken into custody at ATF’s New Orleans area field office, located at 1 Galleria Blvd. across the street from the hotel, the report said. When questioned about the damage, Vanderwerf admitted to disabling the smoke detectors because he said they were repeatedly triggered by steam from his shower, the report said. He also admitted to putting up the plywood door but would give not other details.”

there’s the mistake right there: trying to claim some totally innocent reason for disabling the smoke detectors (“steam from his shower?” really?) … but then admitting to putting up a plywood door, something that there can be NO innocent reason for. “oh, i just like to use this personal door i bring with me everywhere, since it reminds me of home when i am on the road.” see how fake that kind of story sounds?

also, if you’re going to cop to the door, you might as well give SOME details, because now we’re just going to assume the worst possible details about you, Vanderwerf.

“The arrest report said hotel staffers found paint and caulk in the room, suggesting he might have intended to fix the damage himself.”

“meanwhile, dudes across the internet immediately assumed the paint and caulk were part of some additional sexual depravity that the police couldn’t even fathom at that point.” and really, that’s entirely possible. after all, we’re talking about a guy who travels with supplies needed to make a homemade hotel glory-hole.

also, here’s a final consideration to mull over: do you actually believe that he removed the smoke detectors for an innocent reason? and if not, given that this guy ALREADY has been busted making his homemade hotel glory-hole … what depraved reason could there be for the smoke detectors being removed?

alright, this is going to be hard to follow, so let’s see what else i have this week.

apparently legendary turtle and... friend
i don’t know a lot about rescuing turtles… but someone appears to be enjoying it far too much

Vietnam finally nets legendary turtle for treatment

one of the funny things about this story is that periodically, someone claims to have seen some mysterious animal that many people don’t believe exists (like, say, Bigfoot), and usually that someone turns out to be covered in alcohol and/or an inbred yokel. so whenever the opposite is true (like, say, in the case of this turtle, i guess), it’s funny because all the Bigfoot fanatics and the like think it proves THEIR case. it doesn’t, geniuses! there is no Bigfoot!

“Experts in Hanoi captured a legendary giant turtle for medical treatment on Sunday, a milestone in a case that has grabbed national attention and cast a spotlight on environmental degradation in Vietnam.”

now granted, at this point they HAD confirmed the turtle existed, so is it really necessary to use the term “legendary?” actually, it probably is. people care a lot more about turtles than are legendary. although i recently read an unrelated news article (which was serious and thus not funny) wherein a man was described as someone who loved to “play football, read and collect turtles,” so i guess SOME people really do think turtles are cool.

“Several dozen people including special forces soldiers swam and used boats to pull three rings of nets around the rare beast the size of a car door with a head as big as a human’s, in Hoan Kiem Lake in the heart of the Vietnamese capital.”

so this cuts right to the part of this article i find priceless: “including special forces soldiers.” because you know you’re a legendary beast (despite underwhelming descriptors like “the size of a CAR DOOR” and “a head as big as a HUMAN’S”) when special forces have to be scrambled to detain you. it’s like you’re a super-villain, and now S.H.I.E.L.D. (and maybe the Avengers, ooo) is going to take you into custody!

“Experts believe the turtle, weighing some 200 kg (440 lb), may be suffering the effects of pollution, snaggings by fish hooks, attacks from smaller red ear turtles that have proliferated in the lake, or all three.”

however, it’s a black mark against your record of legendariness (although i doubt that’s a word) when you’re getting your ass kicked by “smaller red ear turtles.” because you know hippos don’t get knocked around by pygmy hippos. and why are all these tiny turtles fucking around with the turtle THE SIZE OF A CAR DOOR? “oh, look, there’s a turtle that’s much, much larger than us! let’s all go bite its shell, neck and feet!”

“According to Vietnamese legend, a giant turtle in the same lake — some believe even the same animal — reclaimed a magic sword given to king Le Loi in the 15th century that he used to win independence from China’s Ming Dynasty. The lake was thereafter named ‘Ho Hoan Kiem’, or ‘Lake of the Returned Sword’, and Hanoi has been built up around it.”

so at least we proved that this mystical turtle of legend existed… but i think we can all agree that this turtle did not reclaim a magical sword. no turtle is that bad-ass. it’s almost like some Vietnamese guys heard the tale of King Arthur and said, “hey, pretty good story, we should steal it for Vietnam! but let’s Vietnam it up. instead of a lady in the lake… maybe a moistened turtle is lobbing scimitars at everyone?” and let’s be clear: strange turtles lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.

“Scientists have said they believe the turtle caught on Sunday may be more than 100 years old and a member of the critically endangered ‘Rafetus Swinhoei’ family of turtles, although others have dubbed it an independent sub species, ‘Rafetus Leloii’.”

WELL, WHY DON’T YOU ALL FIGHT ABOUT IT? actually, look, i get it, there’s serious debate about this kind of thing, but i cannot take it seriously. i just can’t.

“”Nobody wanted to take responsibility if it died,” said one Hanoi resident who lives near the local government office facing the lake and declined to give her name.”

i can’t imagine this woman’s decision to not give her name is that solid of a decision when you consider that she’s already revealed that she lives near the local government office facing the lake. ma’am, if you’re going to talk trash about the government’s lack of responsibility-taking, just be aware they’ve already got special forces on the scene. they’ll be by to visit you just as soon as they finish moving this turtle.

oh, and:

more guns arriving at- err, near my house in a box!

Star Model B

ah, the Star Model B: a 9mm version of the 1911 that was often found popping up in place of actual 1911s in movies and television programs before the advent of higher-quality .45 ACP blanks. (i give you several guns in the Untouchables and Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, for example; the latter gives us the trivia factoid that while his identification of his gun as “Mr. 9mm” is often see as a mistake, it is actually accurate.) also, as mine came from a Spanish-made, Bulgarian-purchase, Soviet-captured batch that the Soviets dipped, the extractor is now purple. this may be of interest to all the Baltimore Ravens fans with C&R licenses out there.

in which dogs acquire stolen feet and pastors… do things they should not do

back to the usual (if often delayed) routine of posting up some random events discovered on the internet and making light of them. hopefully people overlooked at least some of these things originally, because if they haven’t … well, this is going to seem old AND redundant. and probably unoriginal or any number of other insulting terms you can throw in there. so it goes.

Ashley Agerenza
keep it classy, Florida, keep it classy

mother shot twice with a Taser after she was arrested for leaving baby in car to go to tanning salon

so from the jump, all i could think of regarding this story is the fact that i know a couple of people who seem devoted to tanning (not obsessively, but enough that they would defend the practice of regular tanning), and thus i was forced to wonder if they had read this article and became outraged. “how dare those police Taser someone who was just trying to make her skin less pale! outrageous!” anyway, there’s also a story:

“A woman had to be shot with a Taser twice after she was arrested for leaving her seven-month-old daughter in her car while she went to a tanning salon. Ashley Agerenza, 19, has been charged with child abuse, resisting arrest and battery of a police officer after an incident outside Extreme Tan and Smoothies in St Petersburg, Florida.”

things that you could probably have guessed before you ever read a word of the article:

–the woman involved would be younger than 21. i don’t want to go off on some serious sociological tangent, but the fact of the matter is that whenever one of these stories pops with a woman whose child dies while she’s on Facebook or burns in the car while she’s tanning or whatever, the woman is always 16-24, presumably not married (not discussed in this article) and generally white trash. aside from the unconfirmed second point, that all looks accurate.

–the woman foolish enough to leave her child in her car while tanning ALSO would be the woman foolish enough to attack a police officer. i’m sure we all know that women LOVE to push the envelope because they feel they’re immune to male retaliation (and actually, i had a woman flat-out admit this to me, with the unspoken point being that it might actually be okay to call their bluff and hit them sometimes), but here’s the deal: when you’re assaulting a police officer, it’s officially too far, because they ARE allowed to retaliate.

–the tanning saloon would have some ridiculously stupid name like “Extreme Tan and Smoothies”

“Police said she first took the child inside the salon, but was told she could not leave the baby while she had a tanning session. She then took the child back out to her car, strapped her into the car seat and turned on the engine, before returning to the salon.”

so it’s absolutely ridiculous that a woman would place her child in her car to tan rather than, you know, simply NOT tanning that day. or at least dropping the child off with someone. you know, scheduling the appointment? but there’s also this being overlooked: she also felt it was responsible to leave her car running outside a tanning salon while she tanned. hello stolen automobile that comes complete with a free baby to sell!

“A witness called police after seeing the baby abandoned. The responding officer found the baby had almost pushed herself out of the seat and had been sick all over herself. When confronted, Agerenza attacked the officer and was shot twice with a Taser before being arrested.”

now, i don’t know if women fully appreciate this, but that’s not the way to respond to a situation involving the police. you’re a lady: cry, bat your eyes, apologize and claim you didn’t understand. you know men just want to avoid the tears and will probably say something like, “well, okay, your child seems fine and i know you’re young and don’t know better, so, uh, just take your kid home and we’ll forget this every happened.” don’t attack the damn officer!

“A post on Agerenza’s Facebook page read: ‘Wit my lil mama then i might go out for the first time yay! dk if I can leave her tho… So maybe just a drink wen she asleep. love my baby!'”

…jesus fucking christ. add this to the list of reasons i have disdain for humanity.

Reverend Grant Storms
i truly want to believe that some ingenious Budweiser employee parked that truck there to get some free advertising

Southern Decadence protest leader booked with masturbating at Metairie park

so is this one of those stories where i don’t NEED to mention anything else in order for it to be a fine joke for us all? perhaps, but i shall continue regardless.

“The Rev. Grant Storms, the Christian fundamentalist known for his bullhorn protests of the Southern Decadence festival in the French Quarter, was arrested on a charge of masturbating at a Metairie park Friday afternoon. Storms, 53, of 2304 Green Acres Road in Metairie, was taken into custody at Lafreniere Park after two women reported seeing him masturbating in the driver’s seat of his van, which was parked near the carousel and playground, a Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office report said.”

well, that’s certainly… something. let’s move past the “near the carousel and playground” part for a moment and just say that all jokes aside –and there have been MANY jokes about this topic– there really does seem to be something to the long-running comedian theme that these ultra-conservative preachers who flip out about people’s personal lives (and mostly their sex lives) are always into some dirt themselves. it’s a running joke, but i absolutely assume every preacher who’s flagrantly anti-gay or whatever else is into some ridiculous perversion themselves.

“The first woman told deputies she was taking her children to the playground and parked next to the van at about noon … she noticed the van windows were down and the occupant was “looking at the playground area that contained children playing, with his zipper down…,” the report said. The woman noted that he was masturbating … She told a second woman, who walked to the van and also spotted the man masturbating, the report said. The second witness told deputies that the driver saw her and tried to conceal the zipper area of his pants with his hand.”

so right from the jump someone’s either a) a pedophile (which is probably what we all assumed when he was roughing up the bishop near a PLAYGROUND), b) a weird peeping tom (who maybe has a thing for fully-dressed mothers or something, who knows) or c) furiously masturbating to out-of-sight pornography or something else while parked in a public place? i guess it’s possible, but certainly unlikely. note that i am not really willing to consider a fourth non-masturbatory option because, despite eyewitness testimony being notorious unreliable, i cannot think of one.

“The two women flagged down a park employee who notified the Sheriff’s Office. The employee detained the man, later identified as Storms, until deputies arrived. Storms told deputies he was having lunch at the park when he decided to urinate using a bottle instead of the restroom, the report said.”

ah, THERE we go. urinating using a bottle instead of the restroom! okay, so first off, i don’t understand why he didn’t use a restroom. maybe he explained to the police, but we don’t have that nugget. second, i really don’t think “urination” and “masturbation” look the same in the basic physical act, unless i have been WILDLY misled about one or the other of these activities). so that’s also a problem.

“A self-styled “Christian patriot,” Storms led a small West Bank congregation called The Reformer Church and for 10 years hosted “The Reformer Radio Show” on WSHO. Storms has railed against the Roman Catholic church, calling it “satanic” and “demonic.” He is especially known for arming followers with bullhorns, Bibles and picket signs to protest Southern Decadence, the three-day gay festival held in the French Quarter during Labor Day weekend. Storms grabbed national attention in 2003 with his failed attempts to shut down what Southern Decadence organizer Chuck Robinson called a peaceful festival that celebrates gay and alternative lifestyles.”

yeah, absolutely the kind of guy i expect to get busted masturbating in a parked car in a public place … near a playground with children. or, in the words of Bill Hicks (speaking on Jesse Helms), the kind of guy who is “gonna slash his wrists [and] gonna write in blood, “i been a bad boy.” but you know they’re gonna find the skins of young children drying in his attic. swarms of horse-flies going in and out of the eaves, and on CNN, over and over, his wife going, “i always wondered about Jesse’s collection of little shoes.”

…i miss Bill Hicks.

“”He’s, in my opinion, just repulsive,” Bernhardt said Monday. “I’m not surprised at all that he got caught doing that. Serves him right.”

well, i would probably go farther than “repulsive,” but that’s about right. although in fairness to Storms, he did at least man up and a) throw a press conference to comment wherein he b) admitted what he did, called himself a hypocrite and backed down from his anti-gay statements somewhat:

“Storms said in a news conference Tuesday that he was not watching the children, but he did have his hand in his pants. “That Friday I was reclined in the chair in the van, and I had opened my pants and I had my hand in my underwear,” Storms said. “I’m not a pedophile. I’m not a child molester, and I don’t go exposing myself to children.” He apologized to those he has hurt, and he said he was sorry for targeting Decadence, an annual gay festival in the French Quarter. “I understand the hypocrisy. I understand it clearly, and it deeply hurts me. And when I look back, there are a lot of things I would have done differently,” he said.””

so there’s that. i don’t know that i believe his “pornography problem” explanation, but i can give him a little credit for calling himself a hypocrite and apologizing to the Decadence people. it’s progress.

eating feet
cadaver dogs want what they want

lawyer: firefighter took amputated leg from crash scene

“Fire officials are investigating after a St. Lucie County firefighter allegedly took an amputated foot from a crash scene last week and used it to train her cadaver dogs.”

…there are no words. actually, there are words, but i’m going to save them for as i go point by point. still, this is, as always, a pretty ridiculous allegation from the jump, which also allows us to enjoy taglines like “St. Lucie Fire District Investigates Stolen Foot.”

“The attorney for Karl Lambert, 46, of Melbourne, told WPBF News 25 on Thursday his client’s leg had to be amputated after he was involved in a traffic crash Friday on Interstate 95 in Port St. Lucie. Lambert was airlifted to St. Mary’s Medical Center in West Palm Beach, but his leg was left behind. Attorney Raymond Christian told WPBF News 25’s Bob Kaple in a telephone interview that one of the firefighters at the scene took the severed body part because “she was some kind of training person for cadaver dogs, and she basically took the leg.””

so obviously this is sad because it involves someone in a serious traffic accident losing their leg. that’s just the start, like when you’re not just caught masturbating in public … but near a playground. however, here’s my first question: “basically took the leg?” i figure you either take it or you don’t.

“St. Lucie County Fire District Chief Ron Parrish said his department was told the firefighter only took the foot and not a leg.”

oh, well, it was only a foot? that can’t be a big deal. i don’t understand why anyone’s getting upset about this!

“It is alleged that [firefighter Cindy] Economu brought the amputated foot to fire station No. 10 and had a family member bring it home to use for training her cadaver dogs. “It’s not normal for remains or pieces or parts to be removed from an accident scene other than by the appropriate authorities,” fire district spokesman Buddy Emerson said.”

so i guess it can’t be easy to get the materials needed to train cadaver dogs, but did this woman really think that no one would notice what happened with the foot? that they’d think it got smashed in the car, or left on the road and a crow stole it? it’s also very helpful that the spokesman lets us know that stealing people’s severed body parts is “not normal,” but i’m pretty sure we established that fact when it was, you know, stated publicly.

“Standard procedure is to transport an amputated or severed body part with the patient to the hospital in case it can be reattached.”

whew! thanks for clearing that up!

“Lambert has not decided whether to file a lawsuit.”

so, look: i’m not a very litigious person. i think lawsuits are not necessarily “out of control” in the US, but are certainly excessively used for unnecessary reasons. but that being said, if someone stole my severed foot? possibly preventing me from having it reattached at the hospital? for BUSINESS reasons? yeah, lawsuit.

also, one last thing:

guns that let us pretend we’re in exciting television shows

so one thing that drives me a little nuts is that some of the C&R dealers who can sell me reasonably inexpensive C&R firearms ALSO tend to have a lot of bulk trade-in guns from police departments and the like for rock-bottom prices … but because they’re not C&R, i can’t buy them for those prices. and then they get marked up in my state, which removes a lot of the motivation for buying a decent, but used (and possibly “well-used”) firearm. recently, however, i was able to get something in that vein for essentially the same price:

Smith & Wesson

now, with the S&W 4586, i can bust out my sunglasses and leather jacket and pretend to be Vic Mackey from the Shield, only without, you know, the murders and drug-dealing and police brutality and all that. next stop: getting a Stoeger Cougar so J.Miles can pretend to be Ronnie Gardocki. because ladies love the ‘stache.

federal regulatory agencies: solving all of America’s problems since … uh … 1863?

oh, it’s another week here at the house of hate, with more hilarious relatings of random crimes, more sarcastic renditions of American crime worries, and maybe talk of new firearm purchases. we don’t like to break new ground here, or for that matter, make any clever new jokes about old ground; we just do what we do and hope our three readers think it all works out. so let’s get right to it.

Stephanie Six
obviously, this is the kind of woman you’d want to trust around your horse

Florida woman accused of slapping a police horse

we’ve once before discussed event wherein someone flipped out and took out their misplaced aggression on a horse, the most terrible of nature’s creatures, so why not go right back to that same well and dig up another person who’s gotten way out of control in the face of a horse?

“After spending nearly 12 hours behind bars, accused of slapping a police horse, a Florida woman was happy to be home Monday, but said she still doesn’t understand why she was arrested.”

granted, i know that’s her way of saying, “i didn’t do what they’re accusing me of and i should never have been arrested,” but i would think when someone accuses you of slapping a police horse, you should be able to understand why you’ve been arrested. oh, i’m so witty!

“”The horse had me pinned up against the wall,” Stephanie Six told CNN. “It scared me, so I put my hand up into his face as a reaction.””

…and now we apparently move right to a position of “well, i had to slap the horse because it was assaulting me.” which, to be honest, i would understand, as it’s in line with my long-standing position of “horses are total jerks.” but that said, it’s hard to understand why you’d be in close contact with a police horse… and then put your hand into its face to make it back off… and then be confused as to why the police officer riding it is arresting you for slapping it. speaking of which: why not speak to the OFFICER and ask him to move? ma’am, you slapped this horse.

“Six, 29, was arrested early Saturday morning outside a bar in downtown St. Petersburg. She said she was with a group of friends, waiting for others, when police approached them “aggressively,” and told them to leave.”

outside of a bar downtown early Saturday morning? ma’am, the horse didn’t have you pinned to a wall, the OFFICER riding it did. and it was probably necessary, not “aggressive.” ma’am, you slapped this horse!

“”They’re saying I slapped this horse when that’s not the case,” said Six. “It’s embarrasing!””

i shouldn’t really make this joke because i do this kind of thing all the time, but what the hell: not as embarrassing as it is for CNN to put this spelling mistake on their website! ahahahahaha! seriously, though, ma’am, they’re saying you slapped this horse because YOU SLAPPED THIS HORSE.

“Police were using mounted patrols to try to control crowds outside the bar when, they say, Six hit the horse, according to local news reports. Six, who says she was never read her rights, was charged with battery on a police horse and released with time served. “I’ve never been arrested before, now I have a record,” said Six, who was also not happy about being branded as an animal abuser.”

okay, so there are crowds outside this bar that need to be controlled by mounted officers. and frankly, given the kind of outside-the-bar(s) hijinks that go on that i watch police NOT need to control, i assume that they wouldn’t be there on horses if they didn’t need to be. anyway, so they’re controlling a drunken crowd… and this woman is part of that crowd… and yet she thinks she didn’t slap this horse or have her rights read? ma’am, you slapped this horse! and you didn’t hear your rights being read because you were drunk and being cuffed against, well, a horse and busy ranting at the officers for violating your rights. after you slapped their horse!

“CNN contacted St. Petersburg police and the state attorneys office, but officials were unavailable for comment because of the Martin Luther King Jr. holiday.”

well, that is weird, as i have never heard of a police department (which i generally assume operate 24/7 in some capacity) that couldn’t comment because of MLK’s birthday. but you know what they’d probably have said if they WERE open? “ma’am, you slapped our horse.”

Neil Brown
obviously, this is the kind of guy you’d want to turn to for sound advice on drug usage and/or the remainder of life’s problems

officials: “bath salts” are growing drug problem

well, if there’s two things i do know about this country (aside from lists of state capitals and the location of various national landmarks, of course), it’s that a) Americans love to put almost anything into their bodies in the name of getting high, and b) Americans love to freak out over supposed “drug fads” that are sweeping the nation. this is how we got an Anarchist-Cookbook-fueled situation where a) people tried to get high using banana peels and b) other people ACTUALLY BELIEVED this was possible. this week, we apparently have some new drug fad sweeping the nation:

“When Neil Brown got high on dangerous chemicals sold as bath salts, he took his skinning knife and slit his face and stomach repeatedly. Brown survived, but authorities say others haven’t been so lucky after snorting, injecting or smoking powders with such innocuous-sounding names as Ivory Wave, Red Dove and Vanilla Sky.”

and it even has a PCP-style colorful, violent freak-out! ridiculous! so at this point, i really don’t know what to believe: i find it hard to imagine legions getting high by snorting bath salts AND then chopping themselves up with knives … and yet i know Americans are definitely stupid enough to do such a thing. so we’re going to have to read on, obviously.

“Some say the effects of the powders are as powerful as abusing methamphetamine. Increasingly, law enforcement agents and poison control centers say the advertised bath salts with complex chemical names are an emerging menace in several U.S. states where authorities talk of banning their sale.”

comparison to the redneck crack that’s a legitimate, confirmed drug wave? check. talk by authorities of banning this “emerging menace” (possibly because they’re “thinking of the children,” although this is not stated)? check. unfortunately, while this is all very serious, and might even one day lead to someone getting killed in a military-style drug raid in Prince George’s County over it, it’s still not anything that’s going to confirm this for me.

“From the Deep South to California, emergency calls are being reported over-exposure to the stimulants the powders often contain: mephedrone and methylenedioxypyrovalerone, also known as MDPV. … The chemicals are in products sold legally at convenience stores and on the Internet as bath salts and even plant foods. However, they aren’t necessarily being used for the purposes on the label.”

okay, that’s better, if only because i have neither the patience nor the chemistry degree to look at those massive string-of-letters names up there and try to deduce whether or not mephedrone is something you can (and would) stuff into your body to get high. plus, it’s completely true that Americans will absolutely ingest anything that MIGHT get them high, even if the “used for the purposes on the label” thing sounds overblown. also, i lied earlier, because i at least looked up mephedrone and found out that it’s a stimulant. so there’s that as well.

“Mississippi lawmakers this week began considering a proposal to ban the sale of the powders, and a similar step is being sought in Kentucky. In Louisiana, the bath salts were outlawed by an emergency order after the state’s poison center received more than 125 calls in the last three months of 2010 involving exposure to the chemicals.”

and you know, while i am sympathetic to the notion that the thought of people dying after consuming these salts is a legitimate public health concern, i’m not sure how effective banning drugs has proven to be. someone out to ban cocaine and see if that’s effective.

“In Brown’s case, he said he had tried every drug from heroin to crack and was so shaken by terrifying hallucinations that he wrote one Mississippi paper urging people to stay away from the advertised bath salts. “I couldn’t tell you why I did it,” Brown said, pointing to his scars. “The psychological effects are still there.””

well, okay, here’s two things:
01. i can tell you why you did it, Brown: because you’re the kind of guy that’s tried every drug from heroin to crack. there’s maybe better drugs to represent running the gamut of all drugs ever (i’d use “from ketamine to peyote” if it was my article), but i still think his motivation is clear.
02. also, here’s another reason to heed Brown’s recommendation to stay away from bath salts: because the kind of person who snorts bath salts is the kind of guy that’s tried every drug from heroin to crack. funny how much sense that makes!

“”It causes intense cravings for it. They’ll binge on it three or four days before they show up in an ER. Even though it’s a horrible trip, they want to do it again and again,” Ryan said.”

what i love about this notion is that it’s SO TRUE. people are taking the bath salts (presumably), having a HORRIBLE time doing so… and then feeling compelled to do so again. but the thing is, i don’t believe the drug forces them to do so through intense cravings; i think they’re just stupid and think it’ll be awesome the NEXT time they do some bath salts.

“Dr. Rick Gellar, medical director for the California Poison Control System, said the first call about the substances came in Oct. 5, and a handful of calls have followed since. But he warned: “The only way this won’t become a problem in California is if federal regulatory agencies get ahead of the curve. This is a brand new thing.””

finally, though, we come back to one of my areas of concern, because we have been hearing these kinds of freak-outs for years. yeah, kids do drugs. yeah, kids will do ridiculous, crazy bullshit in the name of getting high. but kids will also huff fucking spray paint, so i’m not sure this is the kind of thing we can prevent if only federal regulatory agencies will get involved. oh, why won’t they just get involved! someone think of the children!

“Dr. Richard Sanders, a general practitioner working in Covington, La., said his son, Dickie, snorted some of the chemicals and endured three days of intermittent delirium. Dickie Sanders missed major arteries when he cut his throat. As he continued to have visions, his physician father tried to calm him. But the elder Sanders said that as he slept, his son went into another room and shot himself.”

this is going to sound cold, but all i could think of was “even his physician father couldn’t point out the idiocy of trying to get high by ingesting bath salts to him.” but surely federal regulatory agencies can succeed where fathers and physicians have failed!

“A small packet of the chemicals typically costs as little as $20.”

they better if we’re talking about goddamn bath salts that aren’t even illegal!

“In northern Mississippi’s Itawamba County, Sheriff Chris Dickinson said his office has handled about 30 encounters with users of the advertised bath salts in the past two months alone. He said the problem grew last year in his rural area after a Mississippi law began restricting the sale of pseudoephedrine, a key ingredient in making methamphetamine.”

follow along with me, if you would, Mississippians: guys in your state were getting high-as-hell on methamphetamine, so you made it more difficult for them to make meth. mysteriously, this was followed by them simply trying to get high on something else that they could get their hands on. huh. let’s talk about how legal restrictions on pseudoephedrine have been a boon to meth-making Mexican drug cartels another time.

“Dickinson said most of the bath salt users there have been meth addicts and can be dangerous when using them. “We had a deputy injured a week ago. They were fighting with a guy who thought they were two devils. That’s what makes this drug so dangerous,” he said.”

i love crazy-ass hallucination stories, but i’m going to be honest here: i would consider it at least somewhat dangerous to be apprehending a bunch of redneck meth addicts who could at the very least be filled with meth at the time. and i’m pretty sure some yokel dumbass filled with a powerful stimulant could put up a good fight, even if it’s not- wait, the bath salts are also a stimulant. so this is sounding a little familiar.

“Kentucky state lawmaker John Tilley said he’s moving to block the drug’s sale there, preparing a bill for consideration when his legislature convenes shortly. Angry that the powders can be bought legally, he said: “If my 12-year-old can go in a store and buy it, that concerns me.””

“Tilley did not comment on his plans to ban glue and aerosols, both of which is 12-year-old can go into a store and buy.”

but enough ranting; let’s get on to the good times.

guns arriving at- err, near my house in a box!

Walther P1

it’s a C&R Walther P1, which is like a P38, but with more aluminum, unless it’s true that later P38s are filled with aluminum, in which case it’s like a P38, but for the military instead of the cops. and it comes with a somewhat-related saga!

so here’s the saga part of this purchase: UPS tries to deliver this gun crazy-early in the day, foiling my plans to be there and sign for it. i then try to get them to hold it for me to pick up, and that gets worked out: so far, so good.

but it turns out that when you go to their depot, everything looks locked up and dark, and there’s a sign saying “customer pick-up across street.” fair enough; i cross the street to THAT depot, and i wait in a line for 30-40 minutes while a lady sorts out who’s a DC address and who’s an MD address. when asked if she could look up anything specific by another customer, she answers that she’s “just trying to help.” it turns out, though, that this help was limited to NOT telling people like me, of whom it turned out there were many, that certain zip codes had to go BACK across the street, as the small, printed-out sign saying this was behind a long line of people waiting for packages.

so i go back across the street, which is locked up and dark, and it turns out that pick-up is located outside the building, around the side, in the wind and cold, by a razor-wire fence. which is awesome. and which takes ANOTHER 30 minutes to work out. the moral of the story, though, is that if i’m picking up a new gun, it makes up for all that bullshit. hooray!

if only this title could be a picture of a co-worker’s “Four Loko dance”…

considering that there’s a holiday coming up, i’m going to latch onto that as an excuse for why my update is late and not very long or good or anything. this is what i do! now, allow me to make up for my lateness with a late, but free, update that contains upwards of one (1) joke.

Four Loko
clearly now that we’ve conquered that REEFER MADNESS, it’s time to focus on… oh, let’s say caffeinated alcoholic beverages? sure

Gansler asks health department to pull caffeine-infused alcoholic drinks from shelves

now, you might have heard that we recently had an election here in the state of Maryland, where voters tossed out all the old… wait, no, i must be thinking of some other state. here in Maryland, we just re-elect the same old Democratic politicians from the same old Democratic machine so that we don’t get distracted and forget our representatives’ names, i guess. anyway, the short time line of things basically goes like this:

pre-election: O’Malley tells us that we should vote for him because he’s done so much for Maryland
election: O’Malley wins because he’s good at… uh, because he brings to the table… uh, because he has boyish charm? sure, that one
post-election: officials announce a $1.6 billion budget deficit faces Maryland in January. fine work, O’Malley! i mean, while running for office, officials were “hopeful that better-than-expected receipts from taxes and fees would boost the state’s budget outlook,” and yet somehow…

anyway, this isn’t really about me being bitter. i think we can all agree, whatever the cause, whoever the blame lies with, this is a serious situation that needs to be dealt with. luckily, our administration’s attorney general is hard at work on confronting the biggest challenge that confronts Maryland, even though it’s nothing anyone asked for… by asking the state health department to remove all caffeine-infused alcoholic drinks from the state’s liquor stores and taverns.

wait… this is fucking pointless. no, okay, negativity is spreading, so maybe i should hear this out.

“”I ask you to exercise your authority … to take all steps available to you to prevent any further distribution or sale of these unsafe, unadulterated, and mislabeled products wherever found in Maryland,” Gansler wrote-“

now, here’s one issue i have already: unadulterated? i mean, isn’t that usually a GOOD concept when talking about a product? anyway, i generally happen to think that it’s a slippery slope when you go after an ALCOHOL product for being unsafe when you, you know, are otherwise all ALCOHOL products to be sold responsibly to adults.

“The move comes two days after Maryland Comptroller Peter Franchot extracted an agreement from the state’s alcohol wholesalers and retailers associations to stop selling the drinks, which are marketed as Four Loko and other brands.”

so not only is this a questionable stance… and not only is it probably not the highest priority thing on the table in Maryland right now (i’d think maybe the attorney general could focus on something like the legal cases arising over videotaping police officers while they’re on the job)… but it’s also completely unnecessary, since the comptroller already worked out an agreement to stop their sale. does Gansler just not want to be see as less powerful than Franchot?

“Gansler says those actions still leave cases of the drinks on Maryland shelves, and he is concerned after reading news reports of young people hoarding the product with plans to binge drink.”

oh… okay. well, it turns out my four-packs of Sparks might just be worth their weight in gold!

“The drink makers have a week and a half left to respond to the FDA, after which the federal agency can seize the products.”

you know, aside from Gansler’s political calculation, i think i see what’s REALLY going on here: a scheme by a bunch of dudes at the FDA to get themselves totally hammered once the search and seizure goes down. maybe i underestimated that agency…

but let’s not be so ridiculously negative. there’s more to life than that!

Bristol Palin ... dancing, i guess
i’m not saying he should have shot his television… but i understand

Bristol Palin’s dancing on TV set off man in standoff

lately we’re specializing in the kind of articles that allow us to just post the title and say “our work here is done. make your own jokes.” but, as always, this is fundamentally lazy (something we really DO specialize in around here), and so let’s make with the comedy stylings.

“Allegedly set off by Bristol Palin’s appearance on “Dancing with the Stars,” a rural Black Earth man kept police at bay outside his home for 15 hours Monday and Tuesday before he surrendered to police. Steven N. Cowan, 66, railed at the television as the daughter of former Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin appeared on the ABC program-“

see, i’m really torn about my reaction to the basics of this case. on the one hand, there’s really no reason to get SO MAD about anything that it results in keeping the police at bay outside your home. at best, a standoff situation always ends in suicide or arrest, even if you’re completely innocent, and these guys never are COMPLETELY innocent. on the other hand, i really DO want to be the kind of old man that can be said to have “railed at the television.” hell, there’s a solid chance i do that right now.

“Cowan had also been under stress because of a financial situation and was receiving care for a mental health problem, the complaint states. Cowan’s wife … told police that her husband had been drinking, but she did not think he was intoxicated.”

and while i understand the help you can theoretically get from a drink when stressed, i have to ask why his wife was allowing him to drink when he was receiving care for a mental health problem. that seems tailor-made to lead events down the road towards “…and then he kept police at bay outside his home for 15 hours.”

According to the complaint, Cowan and his wife were watching “Dancing with the Stars” when Cowan jumped up and swore as Bristol Palin appeared, saying something about “the (expletive) politics.”

you know, i hate when they blank out a generic expletive like in this situation, because now i am going to go nuts trying to deduce exactly what expletive it was. the damn politics? the FUCKING politics? the motherfucking cocksucking politics? seriously, it’s such a tease. anyhow, this is probably crazy old man behavior so far: start by muttering angrily about the situation… and then slowly, delicately escalate things:

“Cowan was upset that a political figure’s daughter was on the show when he didn’t think she was a good dancer, the complaint states.”

i LOVE that this complaint charging Cowan gets so into the motivation for these actions. i can picture this Vermont police officer sitting there, gently grilling Cowan’s wife.
“so what did he say before he caused the standoff?”
“well, we were watching Dancing With The Stars, and he started yelling some nonsense.”
“…what EXACTLY was Mr. Cowan’s problem with the Dancing With The Stars cast, ma’am? please be specific; this is very important.”

“Cowan went upstairs for about 20 minutes and returned, demanding his pistols, which had been taken by his daughter about a month ago for safety reasons. He was carrying a single-shot shotgun, which he loaded and fired into the television.”

okay… so they took his pistols for safety reasons… but they didn’t take his single-shot shotgun?

“Cowan continued to yell, demanding his pistols. He re-loaded the shotgun and pointed it toward his wife. She left the house and drove to Black Earth, where she called 911. She told police she was afraid for her safety.”

you know, while i DO respect the right to bear arms, i’m not sure you have the best case for getting your pistols back when you’re actively using a shotgun to shoot up your own television set. this is, at the least, going to hurt your case.

“On Tuesday night’s results show of “Dancing with the Stars,” Bristol Palin advanced to next week’s finals of the competition.”

and then, awesomely, they throw this in there to either rub salt in this guy’s wounds, or because they simply think the status of Dancing With The Stars is really important news. either way, that’s really well-played Wisconsin State Journal.

and speaking of shooting televisions…

and certainly not of fiscal restraint, because i kind of sort of picked up not one, but two firearms at roughly the same time. although in neither case are they going to be used to shoot any televisions. well, unless i find some used old television i can drag out into the middle of the woods somewhere… anyway, two more recent entries onto the team:

Vz.61 'Skorpion'

it’s not Thanksgiving unless you have a mass quantity of pies and, for good measure, a semi-automatic clone of a Skorpion sub-machine gun. the moral we learned with this gun, though, is a combination of “anything this ridiculous must be purchased by janklow as close to immediately as possible” and “there’s nothing quite so infuriating as when a Maryland-mandated chamber lock gets stuck in your gun, and ultimately results in someone other than myself cracking the safety while trying to get it out.” but it’s all fixed up now, so hooray! also:

MAS Modele 36

this is why i need a chaperon when out buying firearms: in case i fuck around and buy another firearm –in this case, the bolt-actioned, zany-spike-bayoneted wonder of a Frenchman’s MAS Modele 36– at the same time. oh well, these things happen around here.

“as a karate expert, i will not talk about anyone up here.”

this week, as it happens, there’s apparently been a theme of “things that are basically about New York” and “things that are basically about firearms,” and sometimes these things overlap. the latter’s probably not a surprising topic around these parts, since janklow’s love of firearms is amongst his most renowned traits (beyond being a master of close-up magic, of course); the former… well, i’m not a huge fan of New York City, but i do often listen to a lot of New York hip-hop, so let’s pretend that i have some emotional feeling for the metropolis in question because i happen to think Pharoahe Monch rocks (err…. Organized Konfusion and/or Internal Affairs-era Pharoahe Monch, not Desire-era Pharoahe Monch, anyway) and get on with the update!

Jimmy McMillan
you might as well relax, because this picture is only the tip of the ridiculousness iceberg

Jimmy McMillan, the founder and “CEO” of the “Rent Is Too Damn High” Party

so maybe you don’t follow the electoral news in New York City -lord knows i can’t follow anything else- but you probably saw on the internet something about this “Jimmy McMillan” character. but let’s pretend, however, for the sake of allowing me to discuss this topic as content for the week that you have not.

now, i was recently debating with someone about how, in his opinion, the US elects “people” over “party” and that this is a mistake because you just get politicians who refuse to support the platform of the party they’re elected on the strength of; a good example of this, if you don’t follow, is the way conservative Democrats ran as Democrats and took advantage of their popularity/the Republicans lack thereof, and then turned around and refused to back things like universal health care that Democrats as a whole were theoretically running to promote. i see his point, but what he seems to forget is that allowing random, personable people into the mix gives us stuff like this:

since there’s all that video (and longer ones out there), let me limit myself to simply giving you my 13 most favorite things about Jimmy McMillan, in no particular order:

01. most obvious, his AWESOME facial hair. i truly do miss the era in which men rocked elaborate and fantastic mustaches and beards, and McMillan brings that back. he also attributes his raised profile to his mustache and the saucy name of his party.

02. he has a speaking style that’s not a traditional political one, but i love it because it’s much more in the style of a random showman, or possibly the style of “crazy dudes in Baltimore who wear leather “Darth Vader suits” and yell about the Bible on public access television.” it’s not politics as usual!

03. choice comment #1 from the debate: “listen! someone’s child’s stomach just growled. do you hear that? gotta listen like me.” because if you’re going to be a man of the people and address their very real concerns, it’s best to present it in terms of your supernatural powers.

04. choice comment #2 from the debate: “as a karate expert, i will not talk about anyone up here.” now, this was in regard to negative campaigning and, to be honest, it’s a legitimately solid, refreshing position. but you’re basing it on … being a karate expert? the result is that i am seriously working karate references into everything now; i tried earlier today to get my “moderate skill at karate” listed as a collateral duty on my performance review. i was, sadly, unsuccessful.

05. choice comment #3 from the debate: on the topic of gay marriage, McMillan’s position is basically “if you want to marry a shoe, i’ll marry you.” as in you and the shoe, of course, he’s not personally getting married to you. the position isn’t crazy, it’s just the fact that no politician would ever say this, even if they felt that way. they would HAVE to weasel their way around the issue..

06. choice comment #4 from the debate: McMillan declared that the deficit was like a cancer, and thus “it will heal itself.” i’m not trying to make fun of his medical experience in this regard, but let’s be honest: i don’t think that’s what happens with cancer. but note this: if a “real” candidate said that, it would be a huge mistake broadcast on the internet.

07. choice comment #5 from the debate: McMillan threw out there that “we plan to bulldoze some of those mountains in Upstate to make New York an independent state. i want my own cable company; i want my own telephone company.” i don’t know where this was going, although i am assuming by “my,” he meant for the city or state. i think.

08. that he had a dispute with the NYC Board Of Elections over the name of his party, “Rent Is Too Damn High”; they claimed the name was too long, he claimed they hated his language, and now he operates officially as “Rent Is 2 Damn High.” but what i mainly care about is the awesomeness of swearing!

09. let’s make this an additional point: McMillan himself ALSO knows how awesome it is that there are swears in the party’s name: “The ‘damn’ is what gives the party the hype it has … But once you take the ‘damn’ out, you lose the power.” he went so far as to say, regarding the Board Of Elections, that he would:
“love to put on my website that the Board of Elections can suck my dick, I would love to do that, but I got little children going to my website, I can’t do it, the motherfuckers. I would love to, before every one of them go to bed at night, suckin’ my damn dick. That’s what I’d love to put on my website. Every fuckin’ one of them, you know.”
to which i say, “hell yes.”

10. so, the gloves. so apparently McMillan served in Vietnam (cool), earned a couple of Bronze Stars (very cool) and was exposed to Agent Orange (not cool). so now he feels that if he doesn’t wear the gloves, he’ll get sick. this is either a tragic medical condition or a ridiculous medical concept, and i’d lean toward the latter with a guy who thinks cancer heals itself … but actually, he goes so far as to acknowledge this: “It could be psychological, I don’t know, but I just put em on and wear them anyway.” i totally respect that.

11. apparently his hero is Ronald Reagan? so that’s cool. everyone loves Reagan, right? even Democrats (which is what McMillan is apparently registered as, but i can forgive him that indiscretion).

12. his website. remember when every website looked like this, and it was considered awesome? well, some guys i know HATE these outdated sites -this is common with old dudes that run gun and gun-related supplies business on the internet, but who don’t know much about the internet- but i find them endearing and priceless. i’m weird, whatever, don’t judge me.

13. the fact that, even though his personal rent isn’t too damn high, he’s really motivated about this topic on behalf of the people. now, okay, sometimes this concept seems calculated, but he’s clearly not a calculating politician; one thing i DON’T think is in debate regarding McMillan is his sincerity on the issues he weighs in on. god bless this man!

anyway, i don’t live in NYC, i can’t vote for the guy, i know no one will vote for him because they’ll have to go for an “electable” candidate … but whatever, let’s just enjoy Jimmy McMillan while we can, because he’s awesome.

Michael Bloomberg
yes, i am making an effort to find unflattering pictures of Bloomberg

Bloomberg supports two-term limit for mayors who aren’t him

now, it’s probably a fairly expected thing for me to hate on NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg: on the most obvious level, i love guns, he hates guns, and i generally get disgusted by not just his stance on the issue, but his methodology when attacking guns. this is a guy who’s trashy little anti-gun group (Mayors Against Illegal Guns) claimed an inaccurately high number of guns used in crime in Mexico were traced back to the US, had that number contradicted by the GAO and the ATF, who were the SOURCE of the number… and then used the same number again as if it was new information without acknowledging the contradiction. it’s fucking ridiculously intellectually dishonest from a guy who claims to be the smartest guy in the room, and that makes me sick.

i further challenge any group like MAIG that claims they’re not anti-gun, just anti-illegal-gun, to show me what concrete thing they have done to benefit legal gun owners in ANY way, even a limited one. i’ll wait right here while they fail to do so.

ANYWAY, let’s focus on today’s outrage: this fucking nonsense position he’s taking on the issue of mayoral term limits in New York City. you may remember that prior to the last mayoral election, Bloomberg got the law changed so that he could run for a third term, a move TOTALLY not practiced by Latin America dictators. so now i see this article in the news:

“New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he supports a ballot measure to restore the city’s term-limit law to two terms. Bloomberg is responsible for changing the law in 2008 to three terms. He persuaded the City Council to extend it so he could run again.”

so let me get this straight: he’s responsible for changing the law (in that he pushed for it, not that he enacted it himself)… and now he wants to support a measure to restore it? that’s weird, because you’d think if he was in favor of a measure he’d continue to support it, unless there was a good reason. well, let’s read on!

“A spokesman says Bloomberg only supported three terms for himself, because the situation was extraordinary. At the time, Bloomberg said the city needed him to get through the financial crisis. He promised he’d convene a charter commission to put the question before voters again.”

ah, so THAT’s the good reason: he only supports it for himself; for anyone else, there’s no reason for them to need three terms! now, there’s basically a couple of problems i have with this:

01. this is such a classic example of an asshole politician supporting a move that blatantly creates a special circumstance that benefits him.

02. i’m not sure what Bloomberg has done to prove he DID get the city through the financial crisis. now, maybe he did, because i don’t live in NYC or scrutinize his every move. the gun stuff i hear about because he tries to stay active with it on a national level, but as for actually being the mayor… well, what the fuck do i know about that? but you’d think he could give SOME example, right?

03. this is a longer term issue, but here goes: so Bloomberg is saying that a third term was needed for him because NYC was in a crisis situation. could that NEVER happen again? do voters HAVE to elect the next mayor for three terms because they can? i remember when, before FDR, presidents COULD run for more than two terms… and they just didn’t.

anyway, fuck Bloomberg and his self-congratulating bullshit. that’s all.

and another final shout-out to Bloomberg

despite the fact that every time i purchase a handgun chambered in .40 S&W i immediately think “why didn’t i just get another 9mm?” … i have once again gone out and purchased a handgun chambered in .40 S&W: a SIG P229. this is the way i live my life.

SIG P229

it’s a nicely-sized pistol, but i happen to think calling it a “compact” version of the P226 is stretching the use of that term, even if it IS smaller than a P226. but i love pistols that are metal, metal and more metal, so that’s nice.

this is literally the only blog post to reference “Mambo Italiano” in 2010

DISCLAIMER: we’re going to get into some high-speed, low-drag conversation about rap albums here, so J.Miles, you may want to come back next week. frankly, i admit it’s poor business for me to alienate 50% of my readership here, but it is what it is. if i don’t occasionally do this, it becomes difficult to produce the 52 updates i manage to in a year.

periodically some new rap artist comes out and releases an album or a mixtape or whatever, and it’s a big deal because they’re white, and thus possessed of an evil nature and inability to rap, or so the internet would lead me to believe. and then, for years/months/days to come, we’ll debate their merits in a manner that always references this context, and overrate or underrate them accordingly. frankly, this is inefficient, so i think what i’ll do to save you, the internet, time is to simply tell you who the best 13 white rappers of all time are, and then we won’t have to worry about the debate. if they’re not on the list, they’re not on the list!

also, i’m going to try and add some feedback from some non-white guys i know who love rap music, because they tend to vary from the usual white guy analysis of “this other white guy that looks like me is the best ever at rapping.”

13 GREATEST WHITE RAPPERS OF ALL TIME

dishonorable mention: Snow (if only for “Informer” supposedly being a hit song); all the random white guy celebrities who decide at some point they’re rappers now and trick someone into releasing an album based on their whiteness (Kevin Federline, Brian Austin Green, and so on).

Paul Wall
he’s got the internet goin’ nuts

13. Paul Wall (also of the Color Changin’ Click, Expensive Taste)
Paul Wall is, shall we say, not the most talented guy on this list; we could make any number of jokes about non-lyrical southern rappers (and man, do i love to do that), but the fact of the matter is that he’s not America’s finest lyricist. but he knows how to work his strong suits: his likability, his region’s desire to keep their local stars successful and well-fed, and not constantly referencing his skin color as a selling point. the latter’s refreshing, and ultimately i can’t hate on the guy.
best album/mixtape: well, i suppose it has to be the album The People’s Champ, which was the most successful and features some catchy tunes.
random non-white guy opinion: “what’s Paul Wall posted up on the block like in this song? he’s always posted up on the block like SOMETHING.”

12. Everlast (also of House Of Pain, La Coka Nostra)
Everlast has to show up as a representative of the Everlast/Kid Rock school of thought wherein a guy raps for a while and then just becomes a rock guy; i grant that Everlast always kind of rapped (but then again, Kid Rock did the same even after he stopped being a rapper) and that he still does with La Coka Nostra… but still, you know how you remember him. he’s the guy that made “Jump Around” way back in the day and then started playing the acoustic guitar or some shit like that.
best album/mixtape: well, “Jump Around” was on House Of Pain’s eponymous album, so i guess it’s that one.
random non-white guy opinion: “white people really do love “Jump Around,” i guess that song’s alright.”

11. Bubba Sparxxx
you may remember Bubba from that time when it seemed like since Dr. Dre had his token white protege, Timbaland was going to have to get one himself… and he got Bubba Sparxxx. (i’m not saying this isn’t a bit of revisionist history, but it’s the way many dudes i know recall it) anyway, Sparxxx was alright and that video for “Ugly” is about the most ridiculous celebration of white trash ever filmed, so he’s got to get a bit of a mention here, and, after all, he didn’t choose to rhyme, rhyming chose him. given his post-success output, i also have to acknowledge he’s a more serious devotee of his music than he probably gets credit for.
best album/mixtape: well, Dark Days, Bright Nights was the album with the hits that did well and it’s probably the best, but critics often want to argue that Deliverance (which just missed going gold like DDBN) is a much better album; they’re probably tied.
random non-white guy opinion: “Bubba Sparxxx! i liked that guy! wait, he still makes records?”

10. Hush (also of Da Ruckus)
so i sort of didn’t include Hispanic rappers (who are essentially white) on this list because they don’t get SEEN as white rappers, and i wanted to focus the list on the perception rather than have a semantic battle about Hispanics (who are essentially white). that said, i’m including Hush (who’s of Lebanese/Italian descent and thus occasionally is called non-white), because he’s white AND from Detroit and i guarantee that’s why he briefly had a record deal. it’s a shame because he’s a quality rapper, but no one knows who the guy is.
best album/mixtape: it would probably have to be his sole major label, Bulletproof, which is a solid record and you should check it out.
random non-white guy opinion: “who the fuck are we talking about? that comic book Batman villain shit?”

Necro
that Necro needs drugs will never be in debate

09. Brother Ali
long story short: Brother Ali is an albino white guy who was rumored to be an albino black guy (because he raps, you see) but who is actually an albino white guy who just relates to black guys more because white people were mean as hell to him as a child. regardless, the guy can rap (that song with Jake One, “The Truth,” remains undisputedly awesome) and he’s confirmed to be white, so, guess who’s now appearing on this list?
best album/mixtape: white dudes probably most remember him from appearing on the Madden 2008 soundtrack with “Whatcha Got,” but actually, that works out because the song rules and the album it’s featured on, The Undisputed Truth, is his best.
random non-white guy opinion: “so he’s NOT a black guy? huh.”

08. JoJo Pellegrino
this may be the highest-ranked guy on the list it’s possible no one reading this will ever have heard of; there’s some other semi-obscure entries below, but i’m guessing JoJo wins that prize. he’s a salty Italian guy from Staten Island who kind of sort of seems like a cliche (if black guys can reference mob movies, it’s even more logical for Italian guys, right?)… but who can actually rap. he’s Wu-affiliated as well, but it still hasn’t done much for him at this point. seriously, though, listen to “Mambo Italiano” and tell me you don’t like it.
best album/mixtape: well, JoJo never had his album released (Violator and Loud slept on this guy), so let’s go with his Hitman For Hire mixtape.
random non-white guy opinion: “JoJo Pellegrino? i fucking love that guy! it’s fucking ridiculous they never put his album out!” (note: i think i know the only guy –white, black or otherwise– who is an actual JoJo Pellegrino fan)

07. Non Phixion/Necro (also of La Coka Nostra)
this entry is meant to encompass everyone that fits under the above headings, because they’re so interconnected: Non Phixion’s Ill Bill is Necro’s brother, and they both spit the same kind of ridiculously over-the-top death rap; this can also serve as a placeholder for Slaine (who you may remember from such films as Gone Baby Gone) and who might actually be the same exact guy as Ill Bill and Necro. i think they’re ALL the same guy, actually; attempts to prove otherwise have been unsuccessful so far. anyway, they’re like the extreme end of all that horrorcore shit, so enjoy!
best album/mixtape: Non Phixion’s The Future Is Now is probably the best; it has some songs (“Rock Stars,” “The C.I.A. Is Trying To Kill Me”) that are clearly awesome. Necro’s solo shit is not really my cup of tea, although i will forever give him credit for producing “Gihad” on OB4CL2.
random non-white guy opinion: “seriously, i cannot listen to this shit in my car driving around. it’s ridiculous.”

06. Shawn Wigz (also of Theodore Unit)
Shawn Wigz fills several functions on this list: he’s Ghostface’s protege (hence his placement in Theodore Unit), he’s Wu-affiliated (JoJo is too, but Shawn Wigz seems to have more defined credentials in that regard), and he’s got the most ridiculous name of all time. also, he’s filling the spot for every random white dude a black rap crew/label picks up as a status symbol (like, say, Lil’ Whyte). Remedy would also be located here based on his Wu-affiliation, but Shawn Wigz beats him… and come on, he’s co-signed by Ghostface! okay, maybe i ranked him too high.
best album/mixtape: i suppose it has to be the Theodore Unit album 718, because i highly doubt anyone’s giving Shawn Wigz the opportunity to front an album all by himself.
random non-white guy opinion: “what the fuck is a Shawn Wigz?”

Beastie Boys
if i was an evil genius with minions, this is what they would dress like

05. Beastie Boys
they’re also at the point where they’re not really seen as a rap group (some guys are going to claim they NEVER were, but that’s just being difficult), but that’s a bit unfair; the Beasties have always been rapping with various degrees of success, Licensed To Ill is legitimately a landmark in the history of rap albums (despite it not being very good, but that’s neither here nor there), and album’s like Paul’s Boutique are much-adored from a production standpoint. plus, there’s that over-the-top Sabotage video and their appearance on Futurama to think of! none of this will stop me from saying “fuck Mike D” to reference an ancient inside joke, however.
best album/mixtape: the Beastie Boys have always had some good songs on every release, but i have to admit i’m partial to Ill Communication, which is just a cool-sounding album. when an album opens with a dog barking “i love you,” what’s not to like?
random non-white guy opinion: “why does ever frat boy think Licensed To Ill is cool? that shit was terrible!”

04. Vinnie Paz (also of Jedi Mind Tricks, Army Of The Pharoahs)
so if you ever heard of the group Jedi Mind Tricks, you know it features this hilariously furious Muslim convert Italian who basically raps about killing people, killing people and killing additional people. but like some on this list (say, Paul Wall), he knows what he does well (angry rap), he sticks to that successfully and he makes eclectic friends (see also: the guest appearances on his solo work). and i’ll admit it: i love angry rap, always have, always will. so he’s got to place well.
best album/mixtape: well, he’s only got one solo album, Season Of The Assassin, and it’s crazy but crazy good, so let’s go with that one.
random non-white guy opinion: “this guy is so angry. this is the angriest album of all time”

03. Yelawolf
so Yelawolf is this country-fried white kid from Alabama; at first i wrote him off as a bit of a gimmick (this is how i handled that whole Asher Roth nonsense), but on closer inspection, the kid’s got a random but cool flow and can rap, and hopefully by being signed to Interscope he won’t end up being another label’s “answer to Eminem” or some shit like that. and like other Southerners before him, he’s got a nice regional sound and can probably continue to make local dollars once the machine is down with him. wow, that came out sort of depressing.
best album/mixtape: the Trunk Muzik mixtape, which a colleague of mine is a huge supporter of “Box Chevy Pt. 3” from; it’s not my favorite track, but it’s the best of his mixtapes.
random non-white guy opinion: “at first, when i listened to this, i was thinking “this is some bullshit,” but then i realized this white kid can, like, really rap!”

02. Eminem
Eminem is, of course, the lyrically-gifted white guy who’s probably the only white guy in contention for “greatest of all time”; given this fact, his race is probably more divisive than anyone else on the list (white guys defend poor-quality Eminem work because of it, black guys that are jealous of him being better than their favorite rapper downgrade him because of it) and has always been a big part of the conversation about him… which is a shame, because he’s just a straight-up excellent rapper, and at his best, there’s probably no one that can touch him. he’s just prone to taking it easy and using lame accents, that’s all.
best album/mixtape: people always claim one of his first two major label releases as his best work (sometimes saying “Eminem hasn’t made a good album since MMLP), so i like to be difficult and claim The Eminem Show has his best.
random non-white guy opinion: “yeah, okay, Eminem is top 5 of all time.”

R.A. The Rugged Man
not pictured: him ripping your cunt out with spoons

01. R.A. The Rugged Man
and this is why i said “probably” above, because R.A. is possibly the illest MC ever; no less than the Notorious B.I.G. alluded to this fact. of course, he’s had the misfortune to suffer ridiculous label politics (fuck those crackers at Jive), personal problems (R.A.’s fucking insane as hell) and seems to have gotten pegged as just another underground white guy. but the guy’s lyrical as hell, has a foul sense of humor (see also: “Cunt Renaissance” featuring the Notorious B.I.G.) and can claim to have spit the greatest verse of all time: his appearance on the Jedi Mind Tricks track “Uncommon Valor.” seriously, listen to that and NOT say “well, damn.” i rest my case.
best album/mixtape: well, Die, Rugged Man, Die is probably his best ALBUM, but his best-of collection Legendary Classics Vol.1 is wonderful and probably even better … and features the aforementioned “Uncommon Valor” track.
random non-white guy opinion: “R.A. The Rugged Man? who the fuck…” (i explain his appearance in the “Old Man” video, which is my usual “this is what R.A. looks like” go-to) “oh, THAT fucking guy! he raps?”

so that’s the list. anyone else not on it sucks. that’s all there is to it!

going with the rap theme, i should entitle this section “pump it up” or “riot starter”

as always, it’s that time of the year (and by that, i mean a time of the year that happens often) when i pick up a new friend:

Norinco Model 97

it’s not, you know, a REAL Winchester 1897, because i’m not one of the richest five kings of Europe, but instead, a mere Norinco copy of the riot gun model of that gun (like the kind that Josh Brolin chopped up delightfully in No Country For Old Men), albeit a fine-looking one that should still have the slam-fire feature … a feature i hope to test out on a whole pile of L. Ron Hubbard books.

“we have more important business to handle. we can’t afford a circus.”

i’ve got some relatives in from out of town visiting (and it’s really very unfortunate that i don’t have anything cool like a toilet or a Microsoft game console for them to shoot), so i’m going to attribute me being very distracted and late with the update to that (like i’m going to let a perfectly good excuse like that go to waste? exactly), and maybe we’ll just do the ranting thing this week?

Joran van der Sloot
really rivaling Sean Penn for the title of “the most punchable face in America” … only i guess he’s not in America, so he’d be “the most punchable face in Peru”

something something Joran van der Sloot something something

let me tell you who i am REALLY tired of seeing in the news: this guy Joran van der Sloot. he’s like the gift that keeps on giving… giving me an ulcer, am i right? anyone? well, whatever; i think we all know he’s back in the news because he a) probably killed some girl in Peru or something and b) was and/or is playing games about information regarding the death of Natalee Holloway. and this going to sound harsh (it’s always bad when i admit this in advance)… but who fucking cares?

now, i get why Natalee Holloway’s family cares, although given that they’re basically in the “we know she’s dead, we just want to know what happened” phase, i really think they need to look into getting past this event, since van der Sloot is obviously not going to be giving them useful information. that said, the case was always a clear example of the “if a white girl goes missing, it’s news” rule of thumb. but since van der Sloot is clearly fucking with everyone, why are we continuing to give him the attention he wants? can we just let this shit go already? lock his ass up in Peru and let some hardened Peruvian inmates murder him beyond belief, and then he’ll get what he deserves for all of the above crimes, and the Holloway family can get some satisfaction when they hear about it, and i can stop seeing his bleary, drunk-looking face in the fucking news every day.

Otis Mathis
there doesn’t seem to be a good picture of this guy on the internet… which, given his habits, is probably actually a good thing

Detroit school board president accused of sex act in meeting

and the best part is, neither that title OR the url’s implied title (“Education official admits inappropriate actions”) really does this justice. in short, Detroit school board President Otis Mathis was caught masturbating “during a meeting with the schools superintendent,” after which he resigned (obviously), but then tried to rescind his resignation. what the fuck? now THIS is the gift that keeps on giving:

“As you know, I have made inappropriate actions toward a professional employee of the board. I deeply regret my actions. I have apologized to the employee involved,” he wrote. He said medical issues may have contributed to the incident. “I need to pursue treatment … I want to make sure what happened doesn’t ever happen again.”

alright… what exactly are these “medical issues?” because if this is going to become some sort of “sex addiction” defense, well, that shit does not count as a medical issue. and that’s not me trying to be funny, that’s just a fact. there’s really no valid excuse for this, which is why he resigning made sense and the rest of this does not.

“The allegations set off a furor today. “It’s over. He’s done. We have more important business to handle,” Carla Scott, a member of the Detroit Board of Education, said. “We can’t afford a circus.”

AMEN.

“DPS police were investigating allegations by schools Superintendent Teresa Gueyser that during a meeting at about 5 p.m. Wednesday, Mathis touched himself for 20 minutes, then unzipped his pants. Gueyser, in a memorandum to the board, said she ended the meeting. “I told him that there was no reason for us to continue the meeting with that behavior,” she said.

she’s right, and this is ridiculous… but where exactly did that “20 minutes” figure come from? did these board members sit there and watch him touch himself for 20 minutes and make a note of the time, and THEN get outraged when he unzipped? i mean, okay, i’m sure some of this is people saying “maybe i’m misunderstanding what he’s doing” or “maybe this will all be over soon” or “ugh… i don’t want to deal with THAT” … but 20 minutes?

“Mathis resigned following the incident, effective immediately. In his resignation letter, he cited health issues as the reason for his resignation. However, he is seeking to rescind his resignation.”

Mathis, you are officially fucking terrible.

guns arriving at my house in a box!

i don’t know what took me so long to do some of the “03 FFL” and “regulated collector” paperwork regarding my mission to get every gun ever made, but now that we’ve done those things, we’ve moved to a new phase in firearm purchasing: that of gathering unto our hero janklow C&R firearms, including this CZ Vz.82:

CZ Vz.82

it’s like a Makarov (and we all know how awesome those are, even if they don’t always fully penetrate All bottles) if Czechs thought “let’s not use a Makarov, but just make basically the same gun, only with a different hammer and a different look and maybe more rounds in the magazine.” and it’s 100% awesome. well, maybe just 95%, since it might not shoot through All bottles either.

oh, also, this:

Snoop’s fame always kind of annoys me because he’s clearly got less musically hungry since hitting it big (which i can’t blame, but still) and the guy really only has one GOOD album (or, maybe, to be fair, one GREAT album and no more than another 1-2 good ones)… but it never fails to crack me up when he does these shamelessly ridiculous songs. i can’t hate on that.

things are getting even more redundant and/or emotional this week

to quote a certain dude who occasionally posts something up on the internet, “i think i’m about to do this “pull random stuff off the internet and make light of it” thing for a couple of weeks in a row now, and i don’t even have any shame about it.” but hey, look, i know how lazy that looks, so what i’ll do here is post the link and THEN post a brief synopsis of the emotion i am feeling so that you can get a jump on how YOU should be feeling before the rambling starts, okay? okay.

Bloomberg and some of his best friends: guns
Bloomberg needs to stay as far away from the illegal handguns as possible, lest one of them leap into his hand and make him COMMIT MURDERS

NYC Mayor Takes Aim at ‘Terror Gap’ in US Gun Law
emotion to feel: disgust (and maybe a little anger)

now, look, here’s the deal: i love guns, i love guns a lot, and since Bloomberg seems to always want to fuck with my ability to purchase and love them, i hate Bloomberg and his little games. granted, this is the deal with rich people: concepts that poorer people have to deal with (self-defense, let’s say) never apply to them, so why the fuck should they matter? but i’ll spare you my general anti-rich-dudes rant and just get into my beefing with this article.

“Bloomberg is leading a national coalition of mayors backing legislation that would use the FBI’s computerized record check system to flag and then stop gun purchase attempts by anyone on the [federal watch list of potential terrorists]. More than 1,200 people on the list have bought guns from federally licensed dealers since 2004, the Government Accountability Office reported today.”

so my question is basically two questions: what the hell is the standard to make it onto this list, and how many of those 1200 people have committed a crime with those guns? because while i know Shahzad bought a gun, i also know he didn’t use it in the crime he’s been arrested in connection with. and ultimately, this is a big thing i hate about these anti-gun guys: they can’t just make an argument against guns, it HAS to be IMMEDIATELY tied to whatever knee-jerk reaction people are having about something, even when that something hasn’t involved a gun at all.

“While the investigation into the bombing attempt continues, New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said Shahzad’s gun purchase may have been a signal that he was preparing an attack.”

or, considering the fact that he didn’t use the firearm in the attack, and considering that no one seems to want to comment as to the timing of the purchase, maybe it wasn’t a signal at all? and further, here’s where we’re going with this: a guy on the watch list who’s not a terrorist can buy a firearm and thus be considered to be preparing an attack. fucking ridiculous. Raymond Kelly, fuck you.

“[Sen. Lindsay Graham, R-S.C.] added, “Some of the people pushing this idea are also pushing the idea of banning handguns.”
“No one is trying to ban handguns here. … This is far from that,” retorted committee Chairman Joe Lieberman, I-Conn. The bill would permit anyone barred from buying a gun because of placement on the list to challenge that action in court, he said.”

this is where i point out that Lieberman’s response is evasive. Graham doesn’t say this bill is a push to ban handguns, he says guys supporting this (Bloomberg, at least) are also in favor of banning handguns (again, Bloomberg, at least). and Lieberman knows this. so if you want to defend this bill, at least man up and acknowledge that it’s ACCURATE to label Bloomberg in that manner.

i’ve also heard this defended with “well, you have the right to go to court and dispute the watch list placement.” seriously, no one who’s innocent and has to spend time and money in court confirming that fact is ever going to see that as a boon that’s been tossed their way. and speaking of me getting overly worked up over stuff…


i really don’t have any words to go along with this. well, except for the massive influx of them coming directly…

SWAT Raid on Missouri Family
emotion to feel: anger (and maybe a little disgust)

now, i must admit i love to clown on Missouri (and if you know me, you know why, but we don’t have to get into that here) and i personally feel that the drug war could be prosecuted in a better fashion and/or the resources used to do it spent in better ways. legalize that shit, tax the hell out of that shit, and use the DEA to step on people evading the law and prisons for the kind of guys i don’t want out in society. i don’t give a fuck if you sell marijuana, i care if you commit violent crimes in the process and/or use the massive illegal proceeds to corrupt governments around the world.

i should also add that, generally, i try and have respect for police, given that they often do a shitty, dangerous job… and yet every time i say this, someone has to go and fuck it up for the rest of them. enter these Missouri cops. here’s a basic synopsis of that raid from the link:

“SWAT team breaks into home, fires seven rounds at family’s pit bull and corgi (?!) as a seven-year-old looks on. They found a “small amount” of marijuana, enough for a misdemeanor charge. The parents were then charged with child endangerment. So smoking pot = “child endangerment.” Storming a home with guns, then firing bullets into the family pets as a child looks on = necessary police procedures to ensure everyone’s safety. Just so we’re clear.”

to start, i’ll tell you what: i’ll grant the argument that having a child in a home with drugs that COULD get raided could be the basis for a “child endangerment” charge, although something tells me that was tossed in as something the police could bargain away in return for the arrested not pressing the other issues at stake, such as the shooting of the dogs.

now, i think everyone knows how partial i am to dogs; there’s a reason why this site remains adorned with a visual reminder of the greatest dog ever to live (and who i name all my fictional video game dogs after). and in this case we have the officers shooting dogs from two breeds i fervently defend: a pit bull, which was apparently CAGED when it was shot to death, and a corgi, which survived. a fucking CORGI. look, maybe you see an angry caged pit bull and you shoot it without thinking; you might be a dickhead when the details come out (i say this mainly as we hear no indication that the officers were shocked or threatened by either dog), but hey, you can make an argument for it, because we’re talking about a sizable, intimidating dog. but a fucking CORGI? has no one ever seen one of these dogs? and you fucking SHOT it, officer? really?

you know, the basically drill here is that i am going to get fucking infuriated by this video, and then J.Miles will make the case in defense of these officers (well, maybe not, but he usually does) and then i’ll calm down. so J.Miles, get working on this one.

JaMarcus Russell, ex-Oakland Raider
fuck you, man, fuck you

JaMarcus Russell cut by Raiders
emotion to feel: UNBRIDLED JOY

so earlier in the off-season, i was a little sad: the Raiders had a shockingly good draft (seriously), but it resulted in them trading away my favorite Raider (Kirk Morrison) for next to nothing (what the fuck, Raiders, a little LB depth never hurt anyone), and so i had mixed feelings. then the Raiders picked up Jason Campbell from the Redskins (cool, even if he’s not been GREAT yet) for a mild pick next year (cool) and gave him an extension, thus implying that he’d be the starter going into this season and the next. or if not him, then Gradkowski, because surely this was a sign they’d cut Russell before he got hurt in training camp and we owed him the whole $9.45 million?

then they let JaMarcus into the training camp, and my heart sunk. at this point, i asked myself, what further indignity must i accept? what more must i do to convince Al Davis to have mercy on me? and then this:

“Three years after being selected with the No. 1 pick in the NFL draft, JaMarcus Russell is out of a job. The Oakland Raiders cut the quarterback on Thursday after a disappointing tenure-“

well, “disappointing tenure” doesn’t even begin to describe it… but who cares? JaMarcus has been cut! WE’RE FREE! seriously, this is the kind of time when i have to run out into the yard, tear off my shirt as if i’m celebrating some kind of ladies’ soccer game victory, and then start dancing furiously on everything. actually, strike all that, because that’s just weird. the more appropriate way to celebrate this is to run out into the yard (this part of the reaction will never change) and then up and down through my neighborhood questioning people about their reactions to this news, as if we’re in some weird version of A Christmas Carol. i promise to sound at least as insane as Patrick Stewart did in his rendition of Scrooge.

and one final shout-out to Bloomberg

Springfield XD-9 and S&W M&P

i’m usually much more on the ball about noting the new guns that appear around here, but both of these came in in quick succession, both used and generally brought in to have another fun 9mm (the XD) and .45 (the M&P) to fuck around with. fun fact: i almost bought an XD instead of my FNP due to the latter’s color scheme before i was told to “man up” and get the FNP (which i really love, so that all worked out). and now i have the XD as well.

and here we thought that “one gun for every year i’ve been alive” thing would be a challenge to achieve!

“because they still believe there’s respect in dying”

this weekend has been a confusing ride of ups and downs involving firearms and out-of-nowhere car repairs (i could have sworn i was told i might end up paying for a part IF my mechanic broke it, which made total sense when i was answering the phone in bed at 8 AM, but which makes no sense at all now) and random Japanese swords and dogs with severe injuries to their tendons and financial reimbursement and, not to omit it, your hero janklow chasing a skunk around in the yard. some of this was obviously good and some of this was obviously bad (but not the skunk thing in the way you’d expect, you negative people). that all being said, none of that made me have such mixed feelings as this:

some bullet points to make this discussion easy to follow:
–janklow is (obviously) a huge fan of zombie movies and comics and all that;
–this trailer is for the upcoming George Romero film Survival Of The Dead;
–janklow can’t really seem to get excited about this, and it makes me feel… odd.

now, it’s pretty much a given that we give Romero his due for what he brought to zombie genre. Night Of The Living Dead kicked off the whole mess (undead zombies, of course; no one has real beef with I Walked With A Zombie, but i also don’t know anyone under the age of 50 who gives a shit about it either); Dawn Of The Dead is still the greatest zombie movie of all time (“he used to tell us, ‘when there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth'”); and Day Of The Dead was still completely awesome. everyone likes Bub, there’s the whole “i hope you choke on them” thing, and so on.

and as far as Romero outside of the zombie genre goes, it’s a wash:
–the Crazies was good, but also well before Dawn Of The Dead;
–Knightriders wasn’t watched by a single person i know, and possibly for good reason;
–Creepshow is not memorable, not really, and more cute than scary, anyway;
–Monkey Shines is … weird;
–the Dark Half is yet another Stephen King book that didn’t adapt well;
–Bruiser seems like Knightriders 2.0
…but then again, we care about zombie stuff with him. that’s the deal. after Day Of The Dead he took 20 years (wow, 20 years?) off from making zombie films until Land Of The Dead came out, and that’s where things get… questionable.

Asia Argento
certainly Asia Argento has NOTHING to do with our approval of this movie…

Land Of The Dead (2005): now, i liked Land Of The Dead. myself and the Irish sidekick went out excitedly to the theater to see it, and we enjoyed it. does this should like i’m making excuses for Romero? maybe, as the film isn’t GREAT and a lot of people take issue with it (as if people don’t do stupid things in ALL zombie movies or Romero is the only guy giving John Leguizamo work), but it still had great effects and you should have seen the “smart” zombie thing coming, as Romero loves that nonsense. it’s not a great film, but it was well-produced and competently directed and i think most of the bashing was simple disappointment. and yes, i will still claim this to anyone’s face even after i’ve got a few drinks in me (maybe ESPECIALLY in that case). still, there were questions.

Diary Of The Dead
there’s a solid chance that this poster is actually the best thing about this movie

Diary Of The Dead (2007): Romero was kicking around some crazy ideas (look into that ridiculous Diamond Dead concept sometime) before this film came out, so maybe –just maybe– i went into it with too much optimism. i liked Land Of The Dead, this concept wasn’t insane… and yet the execution of Diary Of The Dead seems poor. the moral in Land was weak, but i’m not even sure what it was here, and the cast and direction were of poor quality (the latter maybe only relatively, but still), and the ending was terrible. frankly, i shouldn’t be watching a George Romero movie and thinking “with enough financing, myself and the Irishman could make a better movie out of this.” we’ve had no formal training, no informal training, and no ability to focus long enough to design a good zombie movie plot. i’m not sure how i explained this film away mentally (it didn’t have a real theatrical release? the budget only allowed for so much?), but i can tell you that i don’t own it and don’t really feel like defending it.

Survival Of The Dead
tell me about it, movie poster… tell me about it

Survival Of The Dead (2009): so watch the above trailer. should i get excited about this movie? like, i should, because it’s a Romero zombie movie? yet, at this point, can i? i mean… look at that stupid fork thing: how excited can i possibly get for this? so much conflict. luckily, to improve my mood, i watched this today:

oh, Wanderlei, you are the third best Brazilian ever! crazy Schick commercials! the “8-ball” pre-fight gesture-and-glare combination! brutal, brutal stomps and knees! fantastic!

we’re pretty sure this new gun came out of a movie about space

so this time i had to go all out and get a really crazy gun, one as old as myself and with a crazy 1970s box, a plastic ray-gun look from originally being designed for select-fire, and the HK brand name:

Survival Of The Dead

seriously, how insane looking is that thing? and that’s the story of why i bought it immediately!