seriously, i would fly the “TWO BAD NEIGHBORS” flag or banner or whatever, it’s not a joke at all

yeah, so, i have been diligently grinding away on that promised update that won’t be worth the effort BUT was forced to spend some time doing things like “wrangling a house full of hooligan dogs” and “rescuing cats that some people don’t even think exist at all, but we’re show them, because a-ha, they DO exist” … so it’s back to the old stand-by method of update creation. and i am okay with that! mostly! sort of! whatever!

Joseph Sincavage, you kind of suck
Joseph Sincavage’s Douchebaggery HQ: it’s sort of like the UN, only it just represents Americans, Nazis and the Vatican, apparently

Nazi flag is anti-Obama, not anti-Jew, says homeowner

you know… i’m going to admit there are stances you can take that sound negative (say, opposing the Civil Rights Act of 1964) but which technically, you can justify based on some inoffensive (or maybe just “less offensive”) reason(s), (say, making an argument against the Civil Rights Act based strictly on federal overreach while stressing your anti-racist credentials)… but then there is hanging a Nazi flag up in your yard and/or on your house, something that is never cool and, frankly, which we should all know is not cool. but there is an exception!

“”I respect your First Amendment rights,” a Connors Lane neighbor told Joseph Sincavage about the Nazi swastika flag hanging off the front of Sincavage’s house. “I don’t respect Nazism, but I respect your First Amendment rights,” said the neighbor.”

tangent: this neighbor is being way too nice regarding someone flying a Nazi flag. either they’re a Nazi, in which case, fuck them and their feelings, or they’re so stupid they don’t understand what it implies when they’re flying a Nazi flag off their house. and frankly, i would almost prefer if they were just straight-up Nazis (but not really, because again, fuck them).

“That episode, which took place as a reporter was suggesting that passersby could conclude that the flag flyer was anti-Jew, seemed to help Sincavage understand the suggestion.”

hooray! now this man, after having it carefully explained to him by a reporter and RANDOM NEIGHBORS, finally understands that flying a NAZI FLAG might give the impression of some degree of antisemitism. actually, though, it might be more effective to not waste the time explaining all this to Sincavage when someone could just do us all a favor and suffocate him with a pillow or something.

“”At that moment, late morning Thursday June 27, Sincavage decided to fly an Israeli flag also, “so Jewish people won’t think I’m mad at them or anything like that.” He immediately ordered one and said, “It’s on the way.””

okay, Sincavage, but here are my questions:
01. are you going to take the Nazi flag down until the Israeli flag arrives?
02. have you considered that the Nazi flag is offensive to people OTHER than Jews, even if we’re strictly speaking about “people who the Nazis actively tried to wipe out during WWII?

“The flag of Nazi Germany, which symbolizes for many race supremacy, hatred, violence and murder of Jewish people, is being flown not to convey those messages, said Sincavage, a 73-year-old U.S. Marine. He said he is flying the flag as a symbol of a totalitarian state, which he said Germany became, and which he feels the United States is becoming under President Barack Obama.”

okay, let’s say –for the sake of arguments– that i accept your sarcastic flag-flying intention: is this REALLY an effective way to make your point if you have to keep explaining it to people? it would probably be better to do some Obama-themed variation on that “TWO BAD NEIGHBORS” flag that Bush flew on that one episode of the Simpsons:

“look, just never mind. i thought the banner was pretty straightforward, but i’ll just take it down.”

…come to think of it, i would legitimately fly that flag if i had one. anyway, anyway, the point is that a flag with a shitty cartoon picture of Obama and the legend “ONE BAD PRESIDENT” would actually get your point across BETTER than flying the Nazi flag. because whatever they thought of you, people would at least know you were more about hating the president and less about wanting to see the mass murder of Jews and other minorities.

“He said he is flying the symbol of totalitarianism next to the American flag, a symbol of the U.S. Constitution, to show the contrast. Also flying on Sincavage’s house is a flag of the U.S. Marines and a flag of the Vatican.”

left unexplained: why the fuck the flag of the Vatican is flying there.

“I am going to keep flying (the Nazi flag) until Obama changes his policies, resigns or gets impeached,” Sincavage said. “I am going to stay with it on the basis of my First Amendment rights.”

look, people always go right back to that “on the basis of my First Amendment rights” thing, and that’s great, except i don’t think anyone’s saying “you don’t have the right to fly your Nazi flag.” what they’re PROBABLY saying is more along the lines of “why would you want to fly a Nazi flag if you’re not a weirdo racist creep?”

“The Stratfordite said he “didn’t realize people would take it as offensive,” and he is not a member of any type of group associated with the flag. “I have no animosity toward Jewish people,” he told The Star. “They too are being given an unfair deal by President Obama. The founder of my religion was a Jew.”


i do, however, give this guy one bonus point for the “founder of my religion” remark, as it’s better than the obligatory “some of my best friends are Jews.”

“He said that Obama told the Israelis not to attack Iran while he was running for election. Sincavage added that Iran is building nuclear weapons and has threatened to annihilate Israel, so Obama in interfering with Israel’s ability to defend itself. Sincavage does not approve of those Obama policies either. Other policies of the Obama administration that Sincavage cites as moving the U.S. toward totalitarianism include what he refers to as having regulators write laws and bypassing Congress with Executive Orders, refusing to use the word terrorists when we have terrorists here, and a general “disregard for the U.S. Constitution.””

so a lot of the usual which, to be honest, isn’t always specific enough to sound like a real argument. look, Obama may have a “general disregard for the Constitution.” but if THAT is the way you frame your argument, it’s going to sound weak every time. and if you’re the guy flying the NAZI FLAG on your house? well, you make everyone with a legitimate gripe about Obama look like a raging jackass. and since that partially includes me … damn it, Nazi flag man, knock it the fuck off.

Otávio Jordão da Silva
so it seems a LITTLE mean to make a joke like “maybe that shirt was why they killed him and defiled his remains” … and yet here we are

Brazilian soccer fans decapitate ref after he stabs, kills player

one thing i like about this story? the continual ramping-up of pure insanity. one thing i DON’T like about this story? eh, sort of a redundant headline. “after he kills player” wouldn’t have covered it? i think it might have been more interesting in a mysterious way, like, “how did he manage to kill a player? was it accidental?” anyway, there’s a story here:

“Last Sunday, an amateur soccer match in Brazil came to an unbelievably gruesome end when a referee was murdered by outraged fans. His head was then cut off and placed on a spike. The beheading was retaliation; the ref initially stabbed a player to death.”

the sad part is that until you get to the “beheading was retaliation” part, all these Americans are PROBABLY thinking, “yeah, they beheaded the guy because their team lost because that’s how they are down there!” although, in fairness, it IS in retaliation if you decapitate a guy because he called a penalty or something against your team and thus cost you the game, right? we’re just not saying what it is in retaliation FOR in this scenario, that’s all, right?

“It happened in the Maranhão region of northeastern Brazil. Thirty-year-old Josenir dos Santos Abreu approached the referee, 20-year-old Otávio Jordão da Silva (pictured above) during a match to argue a call. Abreu reportedly threw a punch at da Silva, who then took out a knife he was carrying with him during the match, and stabbed the player. Abreu died of his wounds en route to the hospital.”

now, i am not going to say it wasn’t called for to stab this player (and subsequently kill him), since i wasn’t there for the punch and, let’s be honest, a referee can definitely get killed by catching a random punch to the head while refereeing a soccer game. let’s go ahead and say there was a threat you’d be justified in responding to. still, i’m thinking i take the knife and say, “let’s cool it, okay?” instead of just going right into the murder stabs.

“Meanwhile, the player’s friends and family invaded the pitch and attacked da Silva. They reportedly tied up the referee, beat him, stoned him, lynched him, and then quartered him. When they finished, they cut off his head and placed it on a stake in the center of the field.”

so i am thinking this is one of those scenarios that the whole Anchorman-based “well, that escalated quickly” meme would come in handy for, although since i didn’t actually watch that movie, i can’t fully embrace it. but let’s note something here: Abreu (the player) died EN ROUTE TO THE HOSPITAL. which means the friends and family stormed the field, and proceeded to beat, stone and ultimately dismember the corpse of the referee only knowing that he’d merely STABBED their friend/family member. they didn’t have knowledge of his death at this point. this is so excessive!

“So far, just one man, 27-year-old Luis Moraes Souza, has been arrested for the crime, and authorities are searching for two more. Valter Costa, the chief of police in Maranhão’s town of Santa Ines, spoke in a statement. “Reports of witnesses have indicated some people that were in place at the time of the fact,” he said. “We will identify and hold accountable all those involved. A crime will never justify another. Actions like this do not collaborate with the legality of a state law.””

you think, Costa? “yeah, well, we looked it up and as it turns out, eviscerated a soccer referee is only in compliance with state law IF he’s deflowered an underage relative of yours. otherwise, we resort back to the normal judicial system we use for people who live in the real world.” OBVIOUSLY YOU DON’T JUST DISMEMBER A REFEREE JESUS CHRIST

then again, it’s Brazil and a different culture and all that, so what do i know?

…and i think that’ll do it for this week. one of these days this long-pending update will get finished, i swear.

“in the movie!” because sometimes you need to be REALLY clear about that

so here at the house of hate we try –really, really try– to not get too focused on politics and current events, although in fairness, i think we violate this all the time. ALL THE TIME. but anyway, i had this article from months ago (“Published: November 28, 2012,” as it turns out) that was pretty ridiculous, but was never actually used in an update at the time. i’m not actually sure why; i’m guessing it didn’t ever work out that it paired up with something, and so it got left behind. but given the Actual Current Events going on in Egypt right now, i think we should go ahead and make fun of it, as this may be our last time to do so.

…or, at least, before a bunch of horrible shit happens in Egypt and we’d feel really bad about continuing to make jokes about anything related to it. same difference, i suppose.

Mohamed Morsi
perhaps this update will keep things light-hearted in lieu of Morsi’s recent drama

(former) Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi holds forth on ‘Planet of the Apes

Mohamed Morsi, the engineer and Muslim Brotherhood ally who became Egypt’s first-ever democratically elected president this year and who last week sent his country’s political system into chaos by granting himself sweeping new powers, appears to hold strong views on the 1968 science fiction film “Planet of the Apes.”

so obviously, while this predates the current drama, since it happened during the whole “granting himself new powers” thing that caused a fair amount of the consternation that would lead to him getting overthrown, it’s clear that either a) Morsi legitimately believed this discussion/analogy/whatever had serious bearing on matters even during serious times, or b) Morsi was always a little bit crazy. or maybe both!

“Morsi, in a lengthy interview with Time magazine, the transcript of which Time just posted online, abruptly transitioned from discussing the U.S.-Egypt relationship to the “Planet of the Apes” movie franchise. Morsi’s point seems to be about Egypt’s need to take responsibility for its own problems. Or maybe it’s about economic self-sufficiency. Or “the role of the art.” It’s really not clear. Here’s the leader of the Arab world’s most populous nation:”

now, in fairness to Morsi, Fisher notes that “English is not Morsi’s first language, and though he studied in California for several years in the 1980s, he presumably has more important things to do right now than brush up on a foreign language. So try to give him a sympathetic reading in that regard.” and i think that’s fair. but i WOULD argue that if his point is not clear, it’s not necessarily a language problem, because this goes off the rails into some “what the fuck is this dude talking about” territory ASAP.

…also, i have to ask about the wisdom of a guy trying to make a complicated and weird analogy if there IS a language barrier he’s fighting through. wouldn’t it make more sense to keep it as simple as possible? anyway, let’s dig right into Morsi’s quote:

“I remember a movie. Which one? Planet of the Apes. The old version, not the new one. There is new one. Which is different. Not so good.”

on the one hand, as an interviewer, i would IMMEDIATELY be asking myself what the scenario is where Planet of the Fucking Apes is a good analogy for ANYTHING. admittedly, though, i am partial to Beneath the Planet of the Apes, which has the best ending of any movie, ever:

The film ends with a voice-over saying, “In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe, lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead.”

ANYWAY, on the other hand, Morsi makes sure to take a shot at the remake of the Planet of the Apes, which, while i think is rated a LITTLE worse than it deserves, is no critical darling and popular to bash. so that’s a wish move on Morsi’s part.

“It’s not expressing the reality as it was the first one.”

i think i know what he means by this remark (as in, the first film was more realistic to how a “Planet of the Apes” scenario should have been, let’s say), but it’s hilariously worded since we’re talking about a science-fiction film in which Charlton Heston does battle with rifle-toting apes. or maybe that’s just me being petty, i don’t know.

“But at the end, I still remember, this is the conclusion: When the big monkey, he was head of the supreme court, I think — in the movie! — and there was a big scientist working for him, cleaning things, has been chained there.”

i do appreciate his clarifying outburst of “in the movie!” in that it’s probably meant, as Fisher notes, “perhaps he feared we might believe he was describing real-life judges – such as the Egyptian judges on strike this week to protest Morsi’s decree granting himself sweeping new powers,” so there’s kind intent there … but was anyone actually confused as to what he was talking about? he started with “the big monkey.”

“And it was the planet of the apes after the destructive act of a big war, and atomic bombs and whatever in the movie.”

let me tell you something: if you find yourself saying “atomic bombs and whatever,” it’s possible you don’t remember the movie well enough for it to serve as the basis for your anecdotes. granted, when you get through the whole thing, that’s very apparent, but i think that’s where i might have said, “ah, you know what? my English is not great and i better not keep running with this. it’s hard to phrase it like i want to.”

“And the scientist was asking him to do something, this was 30 years ago: “Don’t forget you are a monkey.” He tells him, “Don’t ask me about this dirty work.” What did the big ape, the monkey say? He said, “You’re human, you did it [to] yourself.” That’s the conclusion. Can we do something better for ourselves?”

uh… Morsi, what the fuck are you talking about?

okay, let’s parse this out: i guess the “scientist” is Charlton Heston (who’s really an astronaut, but would probably be close to a scientist on SOME level), although he never really is “cleaning things,” at least not as i recall. Heston DOES seem anti-ape (or anti-monkey, if you will; Morsi seems unclear on the distinction between apes and monkeys, or at least there’s an additional language issue there), but i don’t recall him specifically disputing knowledge about the atomic war… since, you know, it’s not clear until the end of the movie that this planet is Earth. that’s the whole surprise reveal, Morsi! also, i am guessing “the big ape, the monkey” (even more confusion of the terms now) is Doctor Xaius? maybe?

the conclusion that, as i read it, “humans are to blame for their own fuck-ups, so let’s make an effort to do better,” does seem valid, though. i give him that.

“I saw it 30 years ago.”

i’ll say this: if there’s one thing we DO know for sure about what Morsi’s saying, it’s that he saw this film 30 years ago. the fact that it’s been decades since he saw what he’s basing a currently anecdote on could NOT be more clear.

“That is the role of the art. This is the very important role of art. Gone with the Wind has been treating social problems.”

you know… this is funny, in that i think Gone With The Wind is more indicative of social problems than working to solve them, but maybe Morsi sees it differently? or is thinking of a different movie? because the book about slavery that i personally see as “treating social problems” is more Uncle Tom’s Cabin than Gone With The Wind.

“Five in Hell. That was the Arabic title. Five Americans working behind German lines and they were using primitive military devices. I think it was Charles Bronson or something like that. My hard disk still carries a few things!”

Fisher suspects that “the president of Egypt may have bit-torrented “The Dirty Dozen,” based on his description of “Five in Hell” on his hard drive,” but i am pretty sure he didn’t Google this one, because he might have found a connection to “Five For Hell,” a film in which “a bunch of oddball G.I.s whose mission is to steal the German’s secret attack plans from a villa behind enemy lines.” although, in defense of Fisher, Morsi does mention Bronson (who is clearly in the Dirty Dozen and NOT Five For Hell) and that this was an Egyptian title for an American film. so i guess we can go either way on this.

but seriously, did Morsi just admit to having an illicit copy of the film on his computer? because i seriously think he did.

anyway, Morsi’s been deposed and, while i am not sure how this is all going to work out for Egypt, it’s unlikely to be something funny which, as an ostenably humor website, is what we really care about. so we’ll see what the future holds.

and now, a token “retirement party” placeholder

this weekend, i am sad to admit, has been devoted to the celebration of old(er) people i know retiring. specifically, this means things like “janklow must dust off his alcohol awareness training certification and work as a bartender for no money at all because of familial bonds or some shit like that” and “janklow is too old not to be exhausted from these shenanigans in a way that prevents him from working on this website.” i mean… we’re winding this thing down, i think we all know. but whatever, nothing happening here this week.

male genitalia: after these articles, i am convinced they cause nothing but financial hardship and medical shame

let me be honest: so what happened here was that i was (and have been) grinding away on one or two updates that just take time to finish, and that i think will be worth it (in the sense that while no one else actually gives a shit, i feel some sense of accomplishment), i also made some notes on articles i wanted to rip on because, let’s face it, this is what i do. and then i spent a bunch of time fussing over the time-demanding updates and never actually wrapped up the ones that were meant to be quick. so in order to get us a little caught up, let’s skip ahead/back/whatever and knock these cheap jokes out. here we go! no shame at all!

Orlando Shaw
well, with 22 children under his belt, Orlando Shaw must have SOMETHING going for him. not exactly sure what that is, but it must be something

deadbeat dad fathers 22 children by 14 women

“It is one of Metro’s most expensive child support cases and the father in question considers himself to be quite the ladies man. “I was young and ambitious and I love women. You can’t knock no man for loving women,” said Orlando Shaw whose relationships have led to several children.”

oh Orlando Shaw, where to begin, where to begin… well, for starters, i don’t think you’re being knocked for loving women, sir, i THINK you’re being knocked up for impregnating many of them an excessive amount of times. i mean, look, if you accidentally knock up your wife or girlfriend, this is much more understandable and/or socially acceptable. and i think, to be generous, we get the situations where a man gets his wife or girlfriend pregnant RIGHT before they break up and moves on to knock up someone else (we call this the “Tom Brady maneuver,” i think). but 22 children? by 14 women? this is not just about loving women. there’s a Bill Hicks quote about figuring out the “food/water/air deal” brewing here

also… “ambitious?” what does that even mean? what was the ambition?

ALSO… seriously, look, i can knock anyone for anything i don’t agree with. in fact, i choose to knock Shaw for telling me what i cannot knock. jerk!

anyway, let’s focus up, because this is a serious situation that involves children:

“The 33-year-old Shaw admitted to fathering 22 kids by 14 different women. Those mothers -through Child Support Services – took Shaw to court for tens of thousands of dollars in unpaid child support over the years.”

honestly, what i really want to know is at what point does a woman getting involved with this guy not realize what she’s in for and back away, because this can’t be some kind of globe-trotting thing where he’s knocking up 14 women in 14 countries. is lady #11 not saying to herself, “well, he’s already knocked up 10 girls 16 times, so if he knocks me up, it’s not going to end up well for me financially?” ladies, you’re not getting those tens of thousands of dollars. i know you have to sue on principle –really, i do– but don’t hold your collective breath.

“It is estimated the state pays more than $7,000 each month in assistance to help support all of Shaw’s children.”

THIS IS WHY YOU ARE BEING KNOCKED, MR SHAW. fundamentally, no one cares about morality; they care about the almighty dollar. and frankly, it’s a little unfair that the average tax payer is shelling out any money for these kids when they’re probably getting a LOT less female attention than Shaw. i mean, it’s the Right Thing To Do because those poor kids are going to need all the help they can get, but unfair in some weird karmic sense that i haven’t fully puzzled out yet. we’re working on that.

“”How do we apply our child support guidelines to this many children in this many households,” said magistrate Scott Rosenberg. Rosenburg said Shaw would have to take three or four full-time jobs to even come close to paying the child support he owes. Shaw said his prior criminal history makes it hard for him to find a job.”

…and yet it does not make him less attractive to these women? to be honest, i am starting to blame Shaw less and these women more. because the fact of the matter is that dudes like Shaw are always, always going to be out there trying to score, and given Shaw’s background, you’d think the women would have all the justification they need to say, “miss me with that delinquent father shit” … and yet they don’t. i don’t really know who to blame. maybe this is where i throw my hands in the air and yell “AMERICA” in exasperation?

“Shaw said he’s proud of all his children. “I love my kids and I can care less about what anyone thinks about it,” said Shaw. He said by having all these children it helps his Shaw family legacy live on. “I’ll be sure we’ll be here for years and years to come.””

alright, NOW the ambition thing makes sense. although i have to say that if there’s a guy out there who CANNOT afford to feed and clothe his children bragging up his ability to perpetuate his legacy, then this is a guy we need to find a way to sterilize legally.

“Shaw will likely go to trial on the child support case. The magistrate could send him to jail, yet again. He’s been there several times before. The court has also been working to help Shaw get more involved with his children’s lives even if he can’t do so financially.”

first off, i really don’t like the concept of debtors being imprisoned just because they cannot pay their bills… but if anyone deserves it, Shaw does (and apparently i am not the only one who thinks so, because he’s apparently been jailed for this reason before). but second, i actually DON’T think Shaw should be allowed to be more involved in his children’s lives: the city and/or state are paying for the children and the only parents who are really there for them are the mothers (and possibly other relatives). don’t reward this guy further! oh fine, fine, i know, IT’S BETTER FOR THE CHILDREN. damn loopholes!

“Metro handles literally thousands of child support payment cases every year and Shaw’s ranks near the top involving the number of children who are receiving little or no support.”

ranks NEAR the top? NEAR the top? what the fuck is going on in Nashville, Tennessee, guys. seriously, if 22 unsupported children from 14 women is NOT the worst, we might just be better off napalming the whole metro area and starting over.

and speaking of penises leading to complicated situations…

Kwong Wah Hospital
Kwong Wah Hospital: we might not find your ovaries and/or testicles in the first 60 years, but we guarantee to find them before you’re 70!

man, 66, goes to doctor and finds he’s a woman

…yeah, that’s pretty much the definition of a bad day. seriously? seriously:

“A 66-year-old apparently male patient made a stunning discovery when he sought treatment for swelling in his abdomen. The swelling was a cyst on his ovary and he was in fact a woman.”

you know when you’re getting identified as “apparently male,” it’s not going to end well. it’s also pretty bad when the scenario is “hey, i am 66 years old and only just finding out my actual gender NOW for some reason.” i mean, look, medical care is not the same everywhere and at every time, but damn, no one noticed this guy had OVARIES in almost seven decades? i get that they’re tucked away in there, but still.

“The condition was caused by a very rare combination of two genetic disorders. One, Turner syndrome, causes women to lack some female features, including the ability to get pregnant. Sufferers usually look like women, but in this case the patient also had congenital adrenal hyperplasia (CAH), which boosted the male hormones and made the patient look like a man.”

let’s be honest: this is the kind of thing a very rare combination of genetic disorders does: it sucks, but there’s just nothing to be done about it. i think the REAL concern would be if it was something mundane, like “the condition was caused by the patient eating a lot of fish when they were a small child,” or something like that.

…and now i may have inadvertently given myself a phobia regarding the eating of fish.

“The patient, by definition, is a woman who cannot get pregnant. But she also has CAH, which gave her the appearance of a man,” Chinese University paediatrics professor Ellis Hon Kam-lun said. “It’s an interesting and very rare case of having the two combinations. It probably won’t be seen again in the near future.”


“The 66-year-old Vietnam-born Chinese man is an orphan. He has a beard, small penis and no testes. Just 1.37 metres tall, he has decided to continue perceiving himself as a male and may receive male hormone treatment, the report said.”

so basically, this just gets worse and worse.

“hey, sir, you’re actually a woman. but not a normal woman, a woman who looks like a man thanks to a combination of incredibly rare genetic disorders. only when we said “looks like a man,” we forgot to mention that this description involves you being short as hell and having a micropenis and no testicles. oh, and also, you’re an orphan because, apparently, god fucking hates you.”

also, was the lack of testicles not a clue that something was going on prior to year 66? because i would have probably gone to the doctor a lot sooner and asked if they could have found my testicles on the grounds that i couldn’t.

“When pressed, he disclosed a long history of urinary leakage and arrest of growth after puberty at the age of 10.”

you know, i know it’s important to investigate this stuff and all, but at this point, let’s just not press this guy about ANYTHING. leave the poor man alone. or whatever we’re calling him/her, because it seems weird to not call him a man, since that’s how he’s lived his life for 66 years, except, you know, he’s not actually a man? i don’t know what to say here.

“Only six cases of a patient with both conditions have been reported in medical literature. This patient was diagnosed later in life than any of the others. Turner’s syndrome has an estimated prevalence of one in 2,500 to 3,000 females. … Private gynaecologist Dr Kun Ka-yan said Turner syndrome was rarer now as most sufferers were identified in prenatal tests. Women would usually choose an abortion as the disease can bring other health problems, including mental disability.”

i will be honest: if this was me, i would probably have preferred to be aborted. because goddamn, this cannot have been a good 66 years. then again, sometimes i wake up exhausted, thinking “boy, life sure would be a lot more restful if my mother had aborted me” as is, so it’s fair to say that i am not likely to have been built for THAT level of a rough level.

…and i think that will do it for this week. next week (or two weeks from now, whatever), we’ll try to have less sadness-caused-by-penises material. cross your fingers!

between dog pounds and passed-out women, there’s nothing that won’t get sexually assaulted by America’s men

ah… when in doubt, go back to the standard of ripping on the sad and sordid events in the lives of those around us. it’s certain a lot more time-efficient than when we’re trying to develop “legitimate updates” or things like that; you know, the stuff that FEELS more satisfying, but seldom gets better results. although i have to admit that we got active props for a legitimate update in the semi-recent past, so maybe i am totally off-base on that last claim. anyway, anyway, here we go with the awful news:

Gerardo Perez
i would like to quote Biohazard here to say “these eyes have seen inhuman things,” but that might add too much levity to the life of this dogfucker

man charged with having sex with pit bull at city pound

so, beyond the fact that i find the whole “guy decided to have sex with a pit bull” thing wrong, there’s definitely a higher level of problem at work here. again, yes, to be redundant, that in and of itself is a pretty high level of “you’ve really made some mistakes in your life,” but let’s move past that and get into ripping on this specific situation:

“A 50-year-old man who had been on a tour at the city pound was charged with having sex with a pit bull, prosecutors said in court today. Gerardo Perez, of the 2500 block of West 38th Street, was charged with having sexual conduct with an animal, a felony, and burglary, according to police.”

slight tangent: why does it matter that this Gerardo Perez character is 50 years old? okay, i would guess that this is just an attempt to describe the gentleman further, but it still seems a little weird to me, as if it’s going to make a huge difference regarding his crime (whether in the sense of “why did this happen” or “how can we penalize this dogfucker” or whatever else) what his specific age is. eh, whatever, let’s focus on the actual story again:

“Perez was arrested after he and a group took a tour of the Chicago Animal Care and Control Facility at 2741 S. Western Ave. on May 29, prosecutors said. After the man broke off from the tour group, an employee of the facility spotted him going into a restricted area, prosecutors said. After the employee told the man to leave the restricted area, the man left but returned a short time later.”

now, at THIS point, if you didn’t know what this guy Perez was getting charged with, you’d probably think (or at least HOPE) that it was going to prove to be something like “the world’s most obvious attempt to steal cat tranquilizers to get high” or something along those lines. although i suppose it’s a sad commentary on modern society when the thought of some poor man stealing animal medication to get high is the GOOD scenario.

“When the employee returned, he found the man inside the restricted area again and inside a cage with a white and grey pit bull, prosecutors said. The employee found the man on his hands and knees on the side of the dog, and it appeared the man had just had sexual contact with the animal, prosecutors said. The man made “inculpatory statements regarding sexual conduct with the dog” to several employees of the facility, police said.”

but no, he didn’t want to get high, he wanted to fuck a dog. and for some reason, he wanted to go about his animal sex crime in the MOST complicated way possible: secure a tour of an animal care facility, sneak away from this tour and find a dog, and then fuck this dog INSIDE the goddamn animal care facility. you know, where he’s surrounded by personnel who could presumably catch him in the act and get him arrested. i guess this is the animal rapist equivalent of fucking in public to make it more exciting?

also… i have to wonder why the writer of the average story in the Chicago Tribune is dropping “inculpatory” into his article (although i SUPPOSE we could accuse this random unnamed police spokesman of it) instead of, say, running with something like “incriminating.” is “inculpatory” really the 100% best word for this situation? that can be our debate for today.

“After the man gave his license to a security guard at the facility, the police arrested him at his home on Friday, police said. The burglary charge involved his being in the restricted area of the facility, according to court officials. His bail was set at $80,000.”

and you know what has to suck? getting caught FUCKING A DOG, then being allowed to go home after providing your identification and waiting there to get slammed with the charges for it. like, seriously, just immediately put the dogfucker in jail and get it over with, you know? anything else is just cruel. although possibly not as cruel as the rape inflicted on a dog, so maybe it all averages out to a wash.

Rodger William Kelly
Rodger William Kelly: saving women’s lives through rape since 20- WAIT, YOU CAN’T SAVE LIVES THAT WAY

man, 50, allegedly raped his unconscious neighbor to keep her warm

well… there isn’t much else to say about that title, so perhaps we should just dive into it.

“A suspected Utah rapist claims he only had sex with his unconscious neighbor to try to keep her warm.”

so i suppose if you’re busted for raping someone, there’s a limited number of explanations you can give for it… although usually i would think it would be more along the lines of “the sexual was consensual and now she is lying after the fact,” as this veers into the realm of possibility. rape to save someone’s life, on the other hand, i admit i have a harder time believing.

“Rodger William Kelly allegedly told cops he was “trying to save her life” as he inserted his penis into the knocked-out 29-year-old.”

also, i don’t want to be seen as making light of a rape victim, but GODDAMNIT is this a hilarious way to phrase the situation.

“The 50-year-old said he found the woman passed out May 19 on her porch on returning to his St. George home. He reportedly carried her into his apartment, laid her on his bed, hugged her and then had sex with her to “warm her up.” Paramedics were called to find Kelly giving his alleged victim CPR.”

truthfully, the part that makes this REALLY weird –i mean, beyond the part where Kelly attempted to save someone’s life through the liberal use of his penis– is that paramedics arrived (and, to be fair, it’s completely unclear who called them and why) to find Kelly trying to give her CPR, something traditional done strictly for life-saving reasons. so the question is, did Kelly legitimately find her passed out, get concerned, and then run through his methodology of hugs, then sex, then CPR in a sincere attempt to save this woman’s life?

“On waking up, she suspected she’d been raped and called cops. They found bruises on her pelvis and upper thighs.”

“…in addition to the fact that she was in a strange man’s house where he was giving her CPR.”

“But a rape kit was reportedly inconclusive because her genital area had been cleaned up as she was passed out, The Salt Lake Tribune reports. Court documents stated: “He said he did place it [his penis] inside of her to try and get her temperature up.””

also, considering that this woman was unconscious and the rape kit was inconclusive, should we be giving this man any credit for owning up to his sex crime? because i really don’t think we should, but this is such a WEIRD case, you know? it has completely disrupted my thought process. and frankly, if Kelly was right all along and he DID save this woman’s life, is it right that he be jailed for his medical aid?

“Kelly was arrested Monday and charged with one count of first-degree felony rape.”

yeah, it’s right.

also, i think we had this happen…

stripped RRA lower

in keeping with the current MD insanity, this fine little stripped lower (to be treated as a regulated firearm even though, clearly, it is powerless on its own) took not the expected 7-day waiting period… nor the 9 weeks, 2 days total of the prior transaction… but an all-around excellent ELEVEN WEEKS. frankly, this is getting a little ridiculous, especially considering the whole “i guess this legally qualifies as a firearm despite the fact that by itself, it can’t do much” thing. still… it’s home and that’s excellent. hooray!

apparently, we’re proving the “taking a knife to a gunfight” maxim wrong in 2013

in order to save a little time so that i can MAYBE get around to finishing up a pending post (this is what happens when you consciously put more effort into the internet than you probably should), it might be time to go back to our standard modus operandi: finding random things on the internet and ripping on them furiously! or, in some case, just being completely befuddled; it might not seem like much of a possibility given the ridiculousness of the internet, but it DOES occasionally happen. case in point:

Fresno, CA
Fresno: home of the samurai-sword-caused bodybag

Fresno homeowner kills robbery suspect with samurai sword

what this article lacks in length it makes up for with its “HOLY SHIT” factor. let’s not waste any additional time!

“Authorities say a central California homeowner killed a robbery suspect with a samurai sword during a home invasion.”

now, this in and of itself does not present that ridiculous of a scenario; i can even think of a case here in scenic Maryland where an intruder was killed with a samurai sword (or, i guess, “samurai sword,” since i imagine not a lot of swords out there can legitimately claim that title WITHOUT adding quotes): Hopkins Student With Samurai Sword Kills Theft Suspect. but to be 100% fair, in THAT scenario, the homeowner heard a noise, got his sword (this is already ridiculous), crept toward the noise, and almost cut the hand off a man who lunged at him. this case… was a little different.

“The Fresno County Sheriff’s Office says two suspects armed with a handgun and an axe invaded a house in Firebaugh near Fresno in the middle of the night Saturday intending to rob the home.”

so it’s not like he heard a noise and leaped from his La-Z-Boy recliner while drawing his samurai sword fluidly, thus leaving him immediately at the ready to defend his domicile; THIS gentleman was confronted by a handgun (which generally tends to one-up a sword) and was, we’ll presume, taken unawares when the home invasion went down, although i suppose it’s fair to say we don’t really know the exact circumstances.

“The suspects, 34-year-old Aaron Baeza and 30-year-old Christopher Rupe, tied up the homeowner and his girlfriend and demanded money. They later freed the man to allow him to look for the cash.”

now, far be it from me to criticize the thinking of two intellectual home invaders here, but this is my question: if you’ve got the homeowner and his girlfriend tied up AND you’re armed… why are you freeing anyone to look for cash? couldn’t you demand he tell you where the cash is, go look for it, and then either claim your ill-gotten gains or demand the gentleman you’re robbing clarify where the cash actually is? because it seems like releasing him to “go look for it” is asking for some kind of surprise twist to occur during the whole robbery.

that said, they ARE packing at least one gun and they MIGHT have already searched for cash (and been disappointing), and most importantly, i am not sure they could have predicted the next twist:

“The homeowner then stabbed and killed Baeza with his samurai sword.”

so basically, when released to go look for cash, the homeowner returned to the men who were holding his girlfriend tied up and who had a handgun (and an axe) and ATTACKED THEM WITH A SAMURAI SWORD? this is where i make a reference to Bill Hicks’ bit about the cops that beat Rodney King and how their testimony indicated they had exceptional large balls that were difficult to transport. i mean, i don’t consider myself a coward, exactly, and maybe this guy LOVES his girlfriend… but i suspect i would be sorely tempted to bail out of a window to get the police if my only other options were “return with cash” or “burst into the room and go on a SAMURAI RAMPAGE.”

something tells me SOMEONE might have watched Pulp Fiction too many times. or any number of samurai movies, i guess.

this also raises another question: what kind of “samurai sword” was produced? because all jokes aside, this term gets applied to all kinds of stuff, from finely-crafted Japanese swords an actual samurai might have handed down over the years to cheap pot-metal wall hangers. and while i can’t really even see rushing at a handgun with the former, i really, REALLY wouldn’t trust the latter in a life-or-death si

“Rupe escaped, remains at large, and is considered armed and dangerous. Investigators say he may be traveling with an unidentified Caucasian woman in a dark green Ford F-150 pickup, with a California license plate of 6T04402.”

i am not even going to call Rupe a coward because if the guy i was robbing burst back into the room and slayed my crime partner with a samurai sword, i too would likely declare that it was, in fact, time to hit the old dusty trail. but i think we’ve established that not many of us are men on the level of this unidentified Fresno homeowner. who even is?
wait, why do the father and daughter from the American Gothic painting need a dating site to meet? City folks just don’t get it! (TM)

so i don’t mean to pile on this dating website on any kind of “haha, look at those lonely people” concept; that would just be petty and mean and i’d like to think that i am the better person in this regard. however, i was attempting to watch what i shall refer to as “gay skinhead fighting” (terminology thanks to the hooligans of a particular internet forum) when an ad for this website came on, and to be honest, whenever i see it, i find it hilariously ridiculous:

maybe this is one of those weird things where occasionally you see what looks like a low-budget ad for a local business pop up on your cable channel… except that, supposedly, this FarmersOnly thing is a legitimate business. i tried to find some proof of it on the internet, but Time was the best that i could do:

“Finding love can be tough for farmers, who often live miles from neighbors and have limited options for entertainment. But one rural entrepreneur, Jerry Miller, saw a business opportunity in the dearth of dating. Aiming to help kindred souls find each other (and make some money), Miller launched in 2005.

Since then, it has grown to host hundreds of thousands of members, Business Insider reports. Miller says one reason his site has been so successful is because farmers can relate to one another in a way that they can’t with “city folks.” Miller says those who live in rural communities share a certain mentality foreign to urbanites, who tend to be materialistic and caught up “in the corporate rat race.””

i mean, i can understand the concept here –living miles from neighbors, having limited entertainment options, still needing to find love– but ultimately i find it VERY hard to believe that:
–this site hosts “hundreds of thousands of members” (although i guess some of them might not be farmers);
–this site qualifies as “so successful” (i have no metrics one way or another, but JUST LOOK AT THAT ADVERTISEMENT);
–farmers are not “materialistic.” i mean, yeah, they have tossed aside the corporate rat race to… grow sorghum, i guess, but does that make them automatically not materialistic? isn’t farming a business?

the moral of the story, though, is that if you don’t make laughable awkward ads, i won’t really be able to mock your well-meaning business on the internet. and on that note… until next time.

janklow stars in… Florida, which we’re currently calling “the Gunshine State”

so recently, our hero janklow headed out of state to the land of Florida (or, as we are calling it this week, the Gunshine State, a moniker that i cannot take credit for) and as always, i try to come up with some observations for the purposes of joke-making. it’s actually been quite some time since i busted out a travelogue update on this site (a short search indicates that it was apparently janklow stars in … Ohio: where everyone is way too nice, which we published on 11.02.2007, which just makes me say, “wow, i guess i DON’T ever go anywhere”), so i figured it might be a great time to have another one happen thanks to Florida. here we go!

moving walkway

chapter I: flying out of scenic Maryland

so perhaps the fact that i have spent a lot of time in airports makes me susceptible to being outraged by the things that people do in them, but i have to come back to something that i have not bitched about in some time: people’s inability to correctly use moving walkways. look, guys, they’re not rides, they’re meant to help you travel through the airport FASTER. and sometimes people are very impressed with seemingly mundane things –see also the number of people who seem to travel to Maryland and then return with massive amounts of scrapple, which i SUPPOSE isn’t freely available everywhere, but which i thought we all recognized was “spiced trash meat”– but a moving walkway, being such a ubiquitous part of airports, shouldn’t be one of them.

further… it seems like everyone hanging out on moving walkways without moving is doing their best to be as annoying about it as possible: they don’t leave for anyone to walk PAST them, they take one step onto the walkway and IMMEDIATELY stand still, regardless of whoever’s right behind them, and so on. and you know, there has simply GOT to be social commentary to make about the poor physical condition of the average American and how it relates to peoples’ refusals to walk on moving walkways and escalators and all that.

also, when did neck tattoos get so popular? i don’t want to bash everyone that has one since some of these people seem like decent-enough folk, but i have long operated under the assumption that tattoos above the shoulder were indicating that you wanted out of society and/or into the judicial system to some extent. still, it seems like whether or not you make the worst assumptions about people, they shouldn’t be so popular.

yeah, i know, i haven’t even escaped the state at this point in the narrative and i am already LOSING MY DAMN MIND. attribute it to the fact that i hate, hate, hate flying and i will try to make some Florida-based remarks.

Maryland Fried Chicken
“hey, let’s fly from Maryland to Florida and then sample their native cuisine of Maryland Fried Chicken!”

chapter II: surviving Florida, probably in part because it is devoid of alligators

so mostly what i did in Florida was some equally non-exciting stuff (hello, little cousin’s graduation, an event which was bound to make me feel absolutely old as hell, and it did), but i wanted to attempt to make some observations from my travels anyways:

–once there, i and some relatives found a local eatery called “Maryland Fried Chicken,” which, in case you thought this was maybe just a coincidental name based on it being owned by Russell Maryland or something, declares that it makes fried chicken in the traditional Maryland way. now, being a native Marylander, i declare, “obviously we have to eat at this place.” in turn, i then realize something: i don’t even know what traditional Maryland fried chicken is supposed to taste like. Wikipedia tells me that this is a real thing, so i can’t outright declare that this is a clever marketing scam (as everyone wants to eat chicken from … Maryland), and supposedly the chain was started by a Delaware guy who wanted to appeal to guys from Baltimore and the rest of Maryland moving down to Florida for jobs at the time … so i guess what this REALLY means is that i am so used to just eating a bucket of chicken from KFC that i don’t even know what my native cuisine is supposed to taste like. sad.

…and then i was scalded by an INCREDIBLE hot container of beans exploding onto my legs. when you add this to the fact that i was also burned by an iron being wielded by my grandmother and injured in some kind of inflatable bounce house-type scenario (we’ll come back to this), i have to say, this was a surprisingly rough trip for me.

–at this graduation, the dean (at least, i think it was the dean) seemed to focus his remarks on the recent Boston Marathon bombing and a large pre-paid credit card scam. frankly, it seemed to me like a bit of a downer, what with this being a graduation and all, but i believe an aunt of mine pointed out that this might simply have been an attempt by said dean (if it was the dean) to let the new graduates know that with the current weakness of the economy, they should still be aware that they had options for their futures if they thought outside the box. i immediately had to agree this was the best possible way to take it.

–in the aftermath of graduation, we had a little shindig for my cousin wherein my aunt (because this is the kind of thing she does) got some ridiculous inflatable stuff for a party because there’d be little kids there, including this one that we’ll call an “inflatable sports challenge.” it’s a little hard to describe it: there’s an inflatable column in the middle and two kids are harnessed on either side of it, and they pull against each other as they try to dunk a ball. basically, let’s just look at a picture:

inflatable sports challenge

only the one in question had little raised walls.

now, for kids, this is clearly a sporting challenge, but HYPOTHETICALLY, adults could also use this in a fashion where they’re basically competing to smash each other into the center. not that this is what happened. it’s also possibly that in a competition against one of my female cousins, i won (thus showing off my mad dunking skills)… and was subsequently drug across the thing into the column on the grounds that, on balance, my little female cousin in question is much more of an athlete than i am and could PROBABLY beat me up. and that’s where the abrasive injury i mentioned earlier came from!

–so near where my aunt lives in central Florida, there is a small nature preserve that i wanted to search through for alligators, because i feel no trip to Florida is complete until you’ve seen a gator, and, with any luck, wrestled it into submission. however, the first time i went to this preserve, it was apparently on fire, at which point my family banned me from going to play in said fire (a decision that, given all my small injuries, may have been for the best). the second time, there was no fire, but also absolutely no gators, and i have to say, this was an INCREDIBLE disappointment. especially when you consider that while visiting that aunt, both someone’s stray dachshund AND someone’s stray (and very friendly) cockatiel wandered into her yard to hang out indefinitely… and yet not one gator did. i flew out of that state SO SAD about the gator situation.

–also, that preserve has signs that invite you to eat from plants in the preserve. it was admittedly stated in reference to citrus trees, but i still think it sent a weird message. that said, my immediate reaction was, “you know, there would NEVER be a “just eat stuff you find in here” sign in a nature preserve in Maryland.” you make of THAT what you will.

chapter III: the conclusion

so i survived all that, flew home, and was returned to my shack in the woods thanks to a timely assist from my Irish sidekick. no gators, light injuries, but on the balance, a solid trip. this place really COULD use a couple more travelogues, i suppose, so there it is, although i don’t know what the likelihood of having any additional ones is at this point…

and now, an “out of state” placeholder

looks like our hero (still janklow) is going to be out of commission again due to his decision to travel out of state for a variety of reasons, mainly familial. i admit this means, as i have not actually wrapped up a post between THIS placeholder and the last one, that the site looks like a bit of a ghost town right about how. well… it happens.

and now, a token “holiday” placeholder

okay, so, it’s not a HOLIDAY, but this upcoming weekend is going to see my fragile body get killed by three-or-so days of working the Celtic Society of Southern Maryland‘s annual festival (warning, that link is INCREDIBLY slow). so you know what this means: an excuse to not have an update for the week. please, please, try and control yourselves; it’s not THAT bleak of a fate.

and to be honest, i am kind of enjoying this schedule of just saying “fuck it” to trying to update EVERY week: i am enjoying the relaxed demands, and i struggle to think of anyone who actually minds. thanks, loyal readers!

“and i don’t need no jokes for this shit…”

yeah, not really an update that’s going to be packed with jokes, i admit. it happens sometimes when you’re hammering this stuff out. so bear with me; i know with all the gun stuff, it’s been a little lean on the humor around here.

so anyways, recently my mother and i were talking about that whole Boston Marathon bombing (so you can see how long it took me to get this update polished off, ha) and her contention was that this wasn’t about religion or politics or the flashy stuff like that, but more simply, about the fact that these Tsarnaev kids couldn’t relate to Americans, American society whatever. this might be partially because of all her employment as a teacher –somehow i figure watching kids succeed or fail at socializing plays a big role in all that– but either way, i think i agree. i made the point over the last couple of weeks in between the gun rants, but if you want my opinion, it’s all part of the same problem: in the aftermath of events like Newtown’s shooting or Boston’s bombing, we immediately starting hearing “BAN CERTAIN GUNS” or “BAN ALL GUNS” or “BAN BLACK POWDER” instead of addressing the underlying problems with the drug war or proper mental health care or, hell, just assimilating the people who feel disenfranchised into society. the latter guys can ALWAYS crash an SUV into a crowd of people even if they can’t get a gun or a bomb, because they have a fundamental problem that no one gives a shit about.

and this is what reminded me of the movie Falling Down.

Falling Down
“the adventures of an ordinary man at war with the everyday world”; frankly, i think this tagline describes an entirely different movie

ah… Falling Down. it’s not a great movie; it might be a fun movie, but not a great one. but this was 1992 (right before our AWB came into effect, oddly enough), and we had a different set of things to be furiously outraged by. immigrant shopkeepers overcharging us! the menace of gang members! pushy panhandlers! disappointing fast food restaurants! it’s one of those films that tries really hard to mean well –they take great pains for the hero, Michael Douglas’ Foster, who shoots it out with minority gang members, to distinguish himself from a Nazi shop owner, and clearly by the end, he realizes his spree is NOT heroic and all– but which probably can only be kind of a fun mess.

anyway, the part of this film that i personally best recall is unrelated to a lot of this: to steal Wikipedia’s description of this, “Foster passes a bank where a black man is protesting being rejected for a loan application. The man exchanges a glance with Foster and says “don’t forget me” as he is escorted away by police.” and that’s about it; Vondie Curtis-Hall is protesting outside a bank in a much more socially-appropriate fashion because the bank’s deemed him “not economically viable,” passersby (and the average viewer who’s wanting to watch Michael Douglas blow up things that make him unhappy) could not care less, and he’s ultimately taken away by the police, during which point he asks Douglas not to forget him.

Not Economically Viable Man
obviously his statement worked, because 21 years later, i STILL have this bit stuck in my head

now, okay, this is a throwaway bit in a film (and thus the kind of thing i LOVE to obsess over) and Curtis-Hall’s character has specific beefs and motivations and all that. i get it. but on some level it comes across to me in a different way: Curtis-Hall’s part of society, he’s worked for years, he’s seeking a loan. this is not the actions of a criminal or malcontent (as far as we know), yet for some reason he finds himself impersonally rejected as “not economically viable.” and what do you do with the resultant anger, something which is not unique to this particular circumstance? you could stand outside the bank and protest, you could blow up a construction site, whatever. but what you REALLY want is for people to just give a shit. to NOTICE you when you’re outside the bank protesting, whether or not they agree with your situation. you know what happens when they don’t? more disaffection with society. tell me where this leads.

and this is what reminded me of the show OZ.

“a series chronicling the daily activities of an unusual prison facility and its criminal inhabitants”

ah… OZ. maybe not a great show, maybe more of a soap opera for men, provided you like a lot of murder and ass-rape in your soap opera. still, it had a lot of moments beyond merely being an edgy, envelope-pushing drama for HBO to run with back in the day before they really hit it big with that impeccable the Wire/the Sopranos/Deadwood triumvirate (which may still be the best ever trio of actively-running shows on a single network). those of you that DO fondly recall it (presuming that list is not restricted to just me) may specifically recall the little opening/between act/closing monologues from Augustus Hill (played by Harold Perrineau Jr.). he had some good ones –i specifically enjoy the one about Jesus spending time in jail, which is a supremely great close-out to an episode– but all this does make me think of the one from the season two episode, “Great Men.”

Augustus Hill
“Yo, imagine being remembered for a thousand years. The things you did when you was alive reaching across time and touching the lives of people not yet born. That’s a dream. That’s why people write books, start religions, find cures, run for President. But me? I don’t wanna be a great man. I don’t care if I’m remembered for the next thousand years. All I ask is, if we pass on the street, notice me.”

yeah, i can’t remember the number of times i have felt personally slighted by something someone has done, with it not being 100% the act itself, but also the fact that it implies someone could just not be bothered to give the slightest fuck about my existence. and frankly, i feel well-integrated in society, so i can only imagine how much further THAT goes when you’re talking about someone who’s not.

but whatever. maybe we’ll be more upbeat next time around these parts. 2013 is kind of a downer of a year, to be honest.

but on the other hand…


so, the rundown: Maryland’s passing this new assault weapon ban, so your hero is trying desperate to score a couple of things on that list before time runs out that, otherwise, he’ll be missing out on FOREVER (or until i leave this state, but as Coolio once said, “as much as i hate this motherfucker… i love this motherfucker). anyway, i decided to throw mega-dollars at this domestically-produced FN FAL, which is a DSA SA58, to be specific, and it’s very, very nice; a FAL/SA58/whatever model is just a gun i have spurned before because of price. but not anymore! now to find some additional rifles…

anyway, the process is supposed to take 3 days to run, with a 7-day waiting period being mandatory, but due to all the furious gun-buying going on between the election, the post-Newtown threats of federal bans, and my state stuff, i was told it would take 5 WEEKS… and it took 9 weeks and 2 days total. fuck this state. but, anyway, it’s here! it’s like bringing a newborn baby home! success!